by Jerilee Kaye
He offered his arm to me, and I took it. He led me to his Bentley and opened the passenger door for me.
We drove toward the hotel in silence. I felt my hands, they were cold and shaking. I was nervous as hell. Travis looked…devilishly handsome! And if I were any other girl, I would think that there was no better man to go to bed with for the first time! But I wasn’t any other girl! I was Brianne…his best friend’s little sister. He wasn’t any other guy. He was my…safety guy.
“What was the word you were aiming for?” I asked as we neared the hotel where prom was held. I wasn’t sure if he understood what I meant. When I said I preferred the word nice, he had been about to say something else. I wanted to know what that was.
He looked at me for a second, but he didn’t answer. He parked his car at the front of the hotel and rounded it to open my door.
He stared at me for a long moment. I raised my chin to him, determined to let him know that he needed to answer. I had to know what he really thought about the way I looked tonight.
He dropped his eyes to his shoes, as if in defeat. When he raised them to me again, they were full of mixed emotions.
“I was aiming for the word…ravishing.” And as if he were ashamed of his own thoughts, he turned away from me. He held his arm to me but refused to meet my eyes. I guess I wasn’t the only one who was uncomfortable about the whole thing. More than being uncomfortable, I think Travis felt…guilty…embarrassed…ashamed.
Is he ashamed of being with me tonight?
My thoughts were interrupted by Cindy, who met us at the entrance. She was with Allan. Allan nodded at me and extended his hand to shake Travis’s.
I knew people were looking, people were talking. It was not like Travis to show up at school dances. He didn’t have any friends. People barely knew that we knew each other.
We hung out with Cindy and Allan. Travis and I were barely talking, barely touching. It was getting awkward.
“Nervous?” Cindy whispered to me.
I shrugged. “Yes. And scared half to death!”
Cindy laughed. “You won’t be if you didn’t want him in the first place, you know.”
I asked myself if that was true. Did I really want him?
Yes! But God, this is Travis I’m talking about. Our relationship might change forever after this.
And then I realized who Travis really was to me. Yes, I cannot deny that he is devilishly handsome and that I long to feel his kisses once again. But, on the other hand, he was supposed to be the most comfortable guy on earth for me. That’s why he was my safety guy. Maybe…I shouldn’t have asked him to…be something else. To do something that he wasn’t supposed to do. This task was not meant for him. Maybe I shouldn’t force it. Maybe now, it’s best if we just enjoy prom the way it should be enjoyed.
I felt him tug at my hand. “Let’s dance,” he said.
I nodded and let him pull me toward the dance floor.
Slow music played. Travis stared down at me, and my heart pounded in my chest.
He pulled me to him and massaged one of my hands. It was cold and sweaty. He narrowed his eyes. “You’re nervous.”
I took a deep breath. “Travis… maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.”
He raised a brow. “Don’t hurt my feelings. I always thought I was a graceful dancer.”
I glared at him. “You know very well that wasn’t what I was talking about!”
“What were you talking about?” he asked innocently.
“Travis!” I could not believe he was making me say it out loud.
He chuckled. “But didn’t you say…better me than some random guy or some boyfriend who would cheat on you?”
“I know…but…you’re my safety guy! You’re not supposed to make me feel as nervous as I am now!”
He smiled as if he had triumphantly gained something. “Good. Then we’re off to a good start!”
“I’m not…sure I am doing the right thing now.”
“You are,” he said. “I’m the one going to hell for this.”
“Why?” I asked.
He shook his head and didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled me toward him. He wound his arm around my waist tightly, his other hand kept massaging my hand.
“You need to relax,” he said. “You’re too tense.”
I had no idea how I could get rid of that weird feeling. There was electricity, there was thrill…but I was too scared, too nervous to feel anything else. I was sure I didn’t want to feel ashamed of myself the first time I was going to do it. And not only that, I remembered the look of shame in Travis’s eyes.
“You don’t want to do this, either,” I whispered to him. “Don’t lie to me, Travis. I could see it in your eyes. And I don’t think I want my first time to be with a guy who…didn’t want me. Even for just tonight. Maybe it isn’t right. Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”
“I think you’re reading me all wrong,” he said. “And it’s too late to back out now.”
“No, it’s not,” I protested. “We haven’t done it yet. I’m still a virgin!”
He stared at me for a moment and then he leaned forward so he could whisper in my ear. “You won’t be by the end of tonight,”
My heart pounded in my chest. I felt his hand slowly massage my back until it rested at the top of my bodice, the part that was bare. The touch of his skin was electrifying. I almost forgot to breathe. “Travis…”
“Sshhh…”
His other hand crept on my neck, and I felt his breath on my ear. He massaged my neck very gently, and then I felt him nip at my earlobe. An unfamiliar emotion crept through me. I let out a moan.
“Travis…” I whispered again.
“Don’t say my name…” he said.
“Why?”
He took a deep breath. “Because I promised to protect you and take care of you for as long as I live.” He pulled away from me and stared down at me. I saw confusion and shame in his eyes. “I’m not supposed to do this.”
Guilt crept through me again. “But you are doing it because I asked you to. Because you protected me from Alex…and Trip…because, you knew I was better off spending this night with you.”
“Those…and some other reasons,” he said. He held me by the neck and gently pulled me to him. “I think you’re ready now, Brianne.”
It took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t trembling in fear anymore. I could feel thrill more than fear. How could he know that?
He pulled away from me and led me toward the exit.
I wondered where we were going. I certainly hoped he didn’t plan to do this at the back of his car, although the backseat of the car he brought was pretty spacey.
Was that why he didn’t bring his sports car? If he’d planned for the backseat, I would strongly protest and tell him to just take me home. My room was a lot better, and if he didn’t agree, I was better off not spending the night with him at all.
We entered the elevator. Instead of pressing the ground floor, Travis pressed P.
He rented a Penthouse room?
It seemed like it took forever to get there. When the elevator opened, he took my hand in his.
“You rented a room for us?” I asked.
He raised a brow. “Since your brother is going to kick my ass in hell for this anyway, I thought I should at least do this with class.”
I rolled my eyes. Of course! He was Travis Cross, anyway.
He swiped his access card at the last door on the floor. It opened into a spacious room. The living room was lit just right, setting a mood in the room. He led me toward the couch. There was an ice bucket with a bottle of wine in the center of the table. Travis picked it up and poured each of us a glass.
Chardonnay. The one wine I actually liked. Did he remember?
“We shouldn’t be drinking, but I know you only like Chardonnay,” he said.
I smiled. He remembered!
“You know me too well, I guess.”
He gave me a rueful smile and said, “Not
yet.” And somehow, I knew what he meant by that.
I was still uncomfortable. Still nervous.
I looked up at him. “Thank you…for doing me all these…weird favors.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Don’t thank me just yet,” he said. “This may destroy us, you know.”
“Destroy us?”
“You’re…my friend…a dear one. And you know I don’t love that easily,” he said quietly. “Now, you see what you’re making me do?”
“We won’t let it destroy us then,” I said. Maybe this was a mistake and maybe I wasn’t entirely sure why I asked him to do this. But I’m sure of one thing. I won’t let this destroy what we have… what we are.
He shook his head. “Don’t speak too soon,” he said. “You may choose to stay away from me after the night is through.”
“I won’t,” I said. “I’m not going to lose you, too, Travis.” And I knew I meant that.
He reached out for my hand. “I pray…that you can still say the same thing later.” He pulled me toward him. He stared at my face for a long moment. Then he said, “What a silly little girl…”
“I’m not a girl anymore.”
He shook his head. “After tonight, you won’t be.”
My heart pounded in my chest. Travis led me toward the bedroom. When he opened it, my heart dropped to my chest. The room was lit by candles everywhere. The floor was covered in rose petals. There was a California king bed in the middle. The room looked familiar…somehow. It was…like the room I painted…the painting I threw out.
“How did you…” I started to ask.
“I found your painting,” he said. “Doesn’t take a genius to know what’s going on in your mind when you were painting that…considering you threw it away after…” He didn’t continue. “Anyway, I thought you deserved this. More than anyone.”
I stared back at the room again and almost gasped. “I thought you said you were no angel in bed.”
“I’m breaking all the rules for you, can’t you see?”
It was absolutely perfect. The candles were situated almost in the same places as in my painting. It was like that portrait came to life.
I felt Travis’s hand on my shoulder as he eased me into the room. Then I heard him whisper in my ear, “Do you like it?”
I nodded slowly because I couldn’t speak. I felt more nervous than I was when I went into the room with him.
“You’re trembling,” Travis said.
“I have every right to be.”
He chuckled. “Now you realize what you asked of me?”
I shook my head. “I still mean it. Better you than anybody else. And I will not lose you after this, Travis.”
He fell quiet for a while. Then he pulled me gently so I could face him. He searched my face. Then he said, “Close your eyes, Brianne.” Reluctantly, I closed my eyes. I felt his breath on my face. “Don’t look… just feel,” he said.
Then I felt his lips on mine as he kissed me. Gently at first, his mouth guiding mine until I started kissing him back. My arms went around his neck and I let him kiss me. It was nerve-wracking. My world started spinning, I felt my knees weaken, and I clung to Travis as if I were clinging to life itself.
He stopped kissing me and leaned his forehead against mine. “This isn’t right…” I heard him whisper, more to himself.
My eyes flew open and I looked back at him. His face was torn, full of emotions I couldn’t read. His look was dark and he was flushed, out of breath.
“What did I do?” I asked nervously. “What’s…wrong?”
He stared back at me but didn’t reply.
I felt like crying. I didn’t know what was going on. I felt silly. I felt stupid. And even Travis, who was supposed to be the most honest person in the world to me, felt something was wrong.
“Tell me what’s wrong?” I asked, unaware that a tear had escaped my eye.
He smiled ruefully, as if in defeat. He reached forward and wiped my cheek with his thumb.
“What’s wrong, Travis?”
He took a deep breath. He held my face between his palms and pulled me to him again. And just as his lips were an inch away from mine, he said, “The way I feel right!”
Then he kissed me again. Hungrily. As if he were letting go of all his shields, all his reservations. I felt wonderful. His kisses were making me feel emotions I hadn’t felt in my life at all. Without breaking our kiss, he gently guided me toward the bed until the backs of my knees hit the edge.
He took off his coat and then he leaned toward me again. He kissed me again as he gently unzipped my gown. When it fell to the floor, I let out a moan. It seemed like Travis was sending all my senses of reason and sanity flying out the window.
How could I feel like this about Travis? How could he undo me this way?
When he pulled away from me, the look on this face was dark and unfathomable. It was like he was fighting all the demons inside of him.
“Travis...”
“Sshhh...” he whispered. “Don't say my name,” he said.
“Why?”
He shook his head. “I'm not supposed to do this. This is not supposed to be me.” He took a deep breath. He took something from the bed, and I saw that it was a piece of black scarf. He placed over my eyes like a blindfold. “I don't want you to see me like this.”
“Like what?”
It took a moment for him to answer, and when he did, he answered very carefully. “Like a predator.”
My heart stopped beating in my chest. I almost lost my breath. Then I said, “Then you can't look at me, either. You can't see me… like a prey.”
He chuckled softly. “Then we have a deal. Don't look...just feel.” His breath was warm against my cheek. “Let's...you and I...forget who we are...for a moment.”
I nodded, and I couldn't agree with him more.
I felt him on top of me. He kissed me again, gently at first...and then as if he had finally unleashed the ‘predator’ inside him, he kissed me like it was the last time he would ever kiss a woman in his life.
***
When I opened my eyes again, it was already dark in the room. The candles had burned out, and I could only hear a quiet snore beside me. I was not resting on soft pillows, but on a hard, firm chest. I could feel strong arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe and warm.
I looked back at the events that had transpired only a couple of hours before. I remembered the gentle tearing pain. He tried as much as he could not to make it hurt. But it was inevitable.
In those few moments of pain, he held me in his arms and allowed me to whimper. And after that...I remembered warmth, I remembered pleasure. When it was over, I remembered being held. Aside from his quiet moans, I never heard him speak again. As if he was trying to conceal his identity from me. He didn't want me to remember who he was. I would be allowed to remember only the moment.
He shifted beside me. I felt him caress my arms gently. Then I felt him tilt my chin gently and he kissed me again...passionately. He lit the fire in me again. He never uttered a word. But he touched me in places I longed to be touched without knowing I’d wanted it. I let out moans of pleasure. And when I reached the gates of heaven, I wanted to scream his name, but I stopped myself. I couldn't know him like that. And he couldn't know me like this. He wanted me to keep my promise...that I wouldn't lose him. Because I couldn’t afford to lose him.
He was my safety guy, my protector. But that didn't stop me from feeling right! From wanting to stay like that with him forever...at least, in those few moments of heaven. I didn't see him. It was too dark. He had turned off all the lights in the room. The drapes were shut. He too, didn't want to see me this way...a wanton...woman.
When I opened my eyes again, it was already morning. I was tucked comfortably in bed but unlike an hour ago, I was alone. There was a little light coming from the window. I reached out for the lamp on the bedside table and turned it on. I realized that it was already almost noon.
I found Travis s
itting at the edge of the bed, his back to me. He was already dressed. He was quietly waiting for me to wake up.
“Trav...” I started. I still wasn’t sure if I was allowed to call him by his name.
He inclined his head gently, acknowledging me.
“Good morning,” he whispered. “I need to go. I just didn't want you to wake up and find me gone. You deserve better than that.”
I felt warm. Even in a situation like this one, Travis found a way to be a gentleman.
“Where are you going?”
He took a deep breath. “Far away from you.”
Instantly, panic gripped me. “What? But you said...you promised I wouldn't lose you.”
He shook his head. “And you won't. But I hope you understand that I need to do this. I need to...stay away for a while. I have made arrangements to send you home safely.”
He stood up from the bed and picked up his coat from the couch. He still refused to look at me.
“Why are you going away?” I asked quietly. A deep pain was threatening to shred me to pieces, and I didn't understand why.
“I promised to look out for you. I promised to keep you safe at all times. I do not want to break those promises.”
“Why?” I asked. “Am I in danger?” I was trying to control the anger inside me.
He took a deep breath and then finally he turned to me. His face was torn, pained…almost broken. But he still looked as handsome as hell.
“Yes, Brianne,” he whispered. “I underestimated some things. I'm a few seconds away from breaking those promises. You are in danger…grave danger…of me.” And he turned toward the door and left quietly.
I wanted to cry. But I knew I couldn’t. I had done this. I made Travis do it. I knew I had to do what I could to help him keep his promises. I had to give him his space. I could not remember…
Chapter Ten
I was excited to start my new life. For once, I would live in a house where I did not have to wonder when my parents were coming home, or if they were coming home at all.
The last time I’d seen them was graduation day. They decided we would be a family once more. It was also the first time I’d seen Travis since…since he started staying away from me. He didn't go to the stage to take his diploma. But he appeared out of nowhere just as I was posing with my parents for a photo.
