Josh glanced away toward Genie, and Steve pictured the hurt look on his face, the one Josh got anytime the curse came up. When she touched Josh’s hand on the couch, Josh’s chin dropped to his chest. From Steve’s experience, this wasn’t good. Steve knew he was in trouble.
She shifted her attention away from Josh toward him. That made Steve’s back squirm. He prepared for incoming.
Genie grimaced at him. “Don’t be such a baby. It’s not a big deal. If you can’t wait a week…” She pointed to her extended stomach. “…you should try carrying this around for a few months. Love isn’t only about sex, you know. It’s about the one you love.”
He tried to change the subject. “I’m missing my movie.”
“Then you shouldn’t have brought it up.” She seemed so angry lately and ready for a fight.
Steve turned up the sound. He never learned. If he and Josh were talking about getting engaged, he had to accept the thing about the curse. Let it go. Steve thought he could, but…Was it really such a big deal? It shouldn’t be. It’s not like he had no faults of his own. But still, sometimes he complained. He couldn’t help it.
He didn’t like the way she made fun of him with that virginity crack. Steve knew it was all just kidding. It didn’t feel like it though. Maybe he’d taken it too seriously. Josh never complained about him anymore, not to his face anyway. “I’m sorry.” He covered Josh’s hand with his.
Genie got up with more effort than usual and went to the kitchen. Things rattled in there. Steve would offer to help but didn’t want to push his luck.
Josh got those doe eyes. He turned them on when his feelings were hurt, too often lately. They’d gotten familiar to Steve. Josh was going to say something now. It was obvious that it was coming.
“Do you love me?”
Josh said it so simple, like he sincerely wanted to know, whatever the answer. Steve’s own ears heard his very own lips mouth it many times, casually, though not without feeling. Now it was different. They were discussing getting married. Oh my God, they might get married, but first Josh talked him into something else, deleting the Cruisre app. He had to do it before the party. That would be Josh’s announcement, a surprise even Genie didn’t know. She might not understand, but some of their gay friends would get a laugh. Baby steps, baby steps. He was going to miss his Cruisre, not that he used it anymore, except for the trivia game on Wednesday. This week the clue was: Who said I want to get arrested?
Chris’ ringtone also had to go, because it pissed Josh off every time that he heard it, even though Josh didn’t know it was Chris. Josh knew it was Steve’s ex but never asked his name. That was weird. Guess he didn’t care. When they met at the pool party, he didn’t even know who Chris was. At least Josh wasn’t the jealous type who had to hear all the details.
“I think I have my answer,” Josh said, head downturned.
“I love you.” He waited too long, didn’t he? Distracted by those doe eyes looking up at him, it was Friday. Three more days to go, he could do this. “I love you. You know that.”
“I love you, too.” Josh’s eyes brightened.
Chapter 39
Asleep and on the edge of waking, noises stirred Steve. The breeze from the fan brushed him head to toe, naked and uncovered. In summer he found no point in cranking up the air conditioner just to bundle up. Besides, he liked to air things out.
Next to him, Josh’s bare chest heaved. His breath made sighing sounds in sleep, and his cock stood up. Steve watched on an elbow.
Josh must have met him in a dream, or someone like him. There, but not with him, Steve wanted more. Left out, he wanted in. He lay down and tried to sleep but couldn’t. If only he hadn’t woken. Too late now, he had to see this.
Jealous of the dream and of Josh for having it without him, Steve made his own party. As Josh’s cock twitched and stomach rose and fell with heavy breaths, Steve’s body responded in kind.
His hand reached out to Josh but held back. Should he wake him? It would be too cruel. Josh might panic. Better wait until after.
Alone, together but alone, the emptiness scared him. If this were Chris, he would wake him. They’d make the dream come true.
Guilty for the time he’d spent with Chris that Sunday afternoon, Steve wished he hadn’t wanted him, but he did. Nothing happened, though he needed something. Too lonely otherwise, together but alone. If only everyday he had someone, Josh or Chris. One was his everything but not enough, the other enough but no more. Both were out of reach.
He’d almost cheated with Chris on Sunday, and didn’t Josh cheat with someone in a dream? With him, but not with him. Steve had to watch and died a little doing it.
Josh’s hips arched a bit. He gasped in soft tones. Breath quickened. Head jerked, and semen spread across his chest. The cock bobbed and fell. Then stillness, silence, Steve didn’t wake him. So soundly Josh slept.
If Steve picked anyone for once a week, he would choose Josh. It wasn’t the same with Chris, though Chris he could touch at least. He needed someone and tired of handling himself. Maybe neither Josh nor Chris held the answer.
At risk of startling him, he might wake Josh, who might help, nothing to fear so soon after. The last time like this, Steve did. He’d made one-sided love with Josh, who was half asleep and spent from a dream on a work night.
He couldn’t disturb Josh. Reservations held Steve back. Should he ignore them? If they became a self-fulfilling prophecy, this would be a shame. But not tonight, he fell off his elbow and onto his back. He and his cock lay down as sleep summoned him.
He wondered if he would ever find someone, the right one. All his friends his age had married. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be for him, despite what Genie and his parents said. Maybe he would always be alone, unlucky in love. He liked it that way, free.
No one lived happily ever after. Look at his friend Bruce from the title company. Thirty years together with James, and one day gone, heart attack, quick. He didn’t know who to feel sorrier for, James for dying or Bruce for being left behind.
Maybe a wise man hoped for a happy ending such as theirs. They made it one, for as long as they could. Maybe he should too, a scary thought.
“I would do it all over again,” Bruce had said, though his face betrayed his true feelings. Steve questioned his friend’s conviction. Those words, I’d do it all again, belied Bruce’s shattered expression.
One thing for certain, happy ever after or not, Steve couldn’t go on like this. Too hard, and he wasn’t getting any younger. Before long, it might be too late. He had to live while he still had a chance. Before he lost it, he had to escape. He reached out a hand to Josh but pulled it back.
“Not like this, I can’t.”
Chapter 40
Genie looked forward to this. She didn’t get out much lately and was seeing Josh’s place for the first time. It was cute, sparsely furnished, in that retro sort of way, and cozy.
Latecomers sat on multicolored folding chairs, but she and Dan had arrived early. Along with Josh’s neighbor, they got the couch. Orange and boxy, it stood high off the ground on skinny little legs. Steve sat on Josh’s bike, parked in the corner. That was odd.
She found gay men intriguing. Many of the guests were. Dancers and clowns from Dan’s show, she’d met some of them before, a colorful crowd. They filled the room with ardent gestures and jovial screams.
Not everyone was. That man with the woman in the corner, they held hands. “Who’s that?” She pointed discretely. “Do I know them?” she asked Dan.
Dan did. “The prop manager, Pete, and his wife, Sarah. You might have met.”
He knew the whole cast and crew in his show and had introduced many of them to her at one time or another. As production manager, Dan made it a point to memorize everyone’s name and helped her with that.
The baby kicked. Her hand went to where it struck. She contemplated telling Dan, but then someone might overhear and everyone notice. There was nothing wrong with attention. She shouldn’
t feel out of place. It was mostly her size that made her self-conscious. That was silly. Her body had changed so much and in such a relatively short amount of time, she’d found it difficult to adjust. Soon her whole life would change. Now that she and Dan had a child, nothing would ever be the same, though amazing she expected.
Josh breezed through the room with a bowl of pretzels and put one in Steve’s mouth. It was his strangeness that intrigued her, the fluid motion and exquisite look. Gay guys were different, though not all in the same way. She was drawn to them. While others might stand back, she always liked unusual things and people. It was just her temperament. Some did, and some didn’t.
Happily, Dan was open-minded, despite his limited vocabulary. All he talked about with Steve was football. They were doing it again and ignored her. She hated that. Those two were so boring compared to Josh who greeted everyone along the way as he swept out of the room.
He appeared again with more snacks and lifted the photo album from the coffee table. The platter of crudité filled the empty place, and he handed her the book. “Pictures,” he said with a flourish and disappeared again.
Genie’s pals at work were like him, strange and intriguing. She figured it out before any of them had told her. Michael still hadn’t, come to think of it, unnecessary really. He was a lot of fun. She liked Jason too, though he could be so serious sometimes. Sam was sweet despite his grumpiness, and Luca lit up the place. Too bad they weren’t here with her now. She opened the album.
Lord have mercy, Steve just lit a cigarette, and that man over there. Josh shouldn’t allow it. She’d never known so many smokers, not until moving to Las Vegas. In all these years, it hadn’t gotten any better. Thank God Dan stopped. Such a filthy habit and so unhealthy. You’d think they’d have more courtesy than that. She was pregnant, after all, and breathing for two.
Josh’s neighbor, Mike, leaned over the album. “Have you seen it?” he asked. “It’s just lovely.”
He was sitting right next to her. She didn’t understand why he had to hover. “Not yet, Josh just gave it to me. Oh my, look at that.” Two men, across from each other, swung from their knees on trapezes, while a third spun in mid-air between them. A little boy on the ground looked up.
“That’s him.” Mike pointed to the child in the picture.
“No!” Genie couldn’t believe it. “That’s Josh? How cute. He was so little. Steve, did you see this? Dan, look.”
“Yeah, I saw it.” Steve blew smoke and shifted on the Diavel. “I don’t know about those Raiders.”
“Wow. Look at that,” Dan said. “It’s all about the wideouts this year. They’ll pull it off.”
Genie smirked at Mike. “Those two, they never stop with the football.” She flipped the page.
The doorbell rang. Steve got up to answer it and gestured in an older gentleman, who dressed quite smart and distinguished. “Bruce! Glad you made it.” Steve patted Bruce on the back and walked him to the bike, where Steve’s cigarette waited in an empty cup. “I was just going for a beer. What can I get you?”
Bruce looked around awkwardly. Maybe he wondered where he might sit. The couch had room for one more if she and Dan and Mike scrunched together. Before she could say anything, Bruce followed Steve to the kitchen. Thankfully, Steve took the cigarette with him.
She leaned over to Mike and whispered. “Last fall, that man lost his husband after thirty years. Steve told me about it the other day.”
“Oh!” Mike gasped. “That’s terrible.”
“Steve’s been worried about him. It’s good he’s here.” She nudged Dan. “Move over a little. Make room for Steve’s friend.” Dan scooched away from her, and she followed. “Mike, sit closer. Bruce can have the end next to you.”
Mike scooched beside her and guarded the empty place with an outstretched hand.
“Oh, look at this.” She pointed to a picture, a younger Josh on a sailboat. “Is that in Canada?”
“Who’s he with?” Mike asked.
Steve and Bruce came back with mugs and plates.
“Sit there.” She pointed to the spot next to Mike.
Bruce obeyed, and Steve returned to the bike.
“I’m Genie, and this is my husband, Dan, old friends of Steve. This is Mike, Josh’s neighbor.”
“I’m Bruce. Nice to meet you.”
His eyes caught her attention. They lingered on Mike for a moment before darting away. Mike didn’t seem to notice. He was busy looking at the next page in the album, some dunes by the shore and a deserted beach.
Bruce spilled his beer on the coffee table and jumped up. “I’ll get a towel.”
When he left for the kitchen, she leaned toward Mike with a coy expression. “Are you married?”
“Me?” Mike asked. “No.” He shook his head.
“Bruce is nice. Isn’t he?”
“Yes, seems so.”
The puzzlement on Mike’s face didn’t discourage her. “I think you should chat with him. Steve’s been so worried.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” He looked at her sideways.
Bruce returned with a towel, and Mike picked up the half-spilled mug of beer out of its puddle. The towel did its work, and Bruce brought it back to the kitchen.
“Isn’t he cute?” she asked.
Mike’s eyes scrunched and mouth pursed. “I suppose so.”
She flipped the page and pretended to look at the pictures. “He likes you. I saw that look in his eye.”
“Well! What’s not to like?” Okay, he was catching on and fluffed his hair. Though scant and white, it was nicely quaffed.
When Bruce returned, Mike started a conversation. On her other side, Dan and Steve talked football. Totally left out of both discussions, she eavesdropped on the more interesting one, though Mike and Bruce got off to a slow start. Her mind wandered.
Maybe Josh would make the secret announcement soon. It had taken her forever to get it out of him, and she still didn’t understand it. For God’s sake, they had dating apps on their phones. After all this time and talk of marriage, you would think they’d be done with that. Weren’t they embarrassed that they still had Cruisre accounts? She understood why they planned to delete it but not why they still had it in the first place nor why they wanted to publicize that they did. Josh was going to announce that as of this morning they’d gotten rid of it. Well, finally!
And for goodness sake, why didn’t Steve delete that ringtone already. It was stupid even when he and Chris were dating. Now it was absurd, but he still hung on to it. Josh was right for putting his foot down. “Nobody Does it Better” was history, like Steve’s Cruisre.
Bruce got up to get another sandwich. She’d had the grilled chicken breast, but the andouille sausage looked good too. “He’s not very talkative. Is he?” she asked Mike.
“No. Very nice though. As it turns out, we’ve met before.”
“I heard.” Unfortunately, that was the only thing Genie had found interesting in Mike and Bruce’s conversation.
“It took a while to figure it out.”
“Small world. It’s nice you offered to show him your garden.”
“Yes, after the party. I’m so pleased Josh finally blossomed. He’s been so solitary for so long.”
She nodded. “You can see how happy he is.” Josh darted in the room and laughed with a clown until some distraction on the patio drew him away. “See what I mean?” she said. “He was a little nervous about this, you know.”
“He told me,” Mike said. “The party is just lovely. This was a big step for him.”
Mike’s tone had alluded to something more. Maybe he knew about the announcement ahead of time. “Not as big as the announcement’s going to be,” Genie said.
Mike gasped and clutched at her arm. “You know what it is? I couldn’t get it out of him for the life of me.”
She looked askance at his fingers. “I thought they were getting married, but that’s not it. I shouldn’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
“You have to!” His grip on her wrist tightened.
Gays were so clingy sometimes. She pulled her arm away. “What about the surprise? If I tell, it will ruin it. I was sorry I found out.”
“I don’t care. Tell me!”
Now he had both hands on her shoulder. He obviously wouldn’t leave her alone. She had to do it. “They’ve closed their Cruisre accounts.”
“It’s about time. What about that ringtone?” he asked. “Josh is always complaining about it.”
“It’s gone too. I thought the same thing.” She huffed. “It was way overdue.”
He dropped his hands from her shoulder, finally.
“Things are so different these days,” he said. “When I was young, we didn’t have computers. People met the old-fashioned way, and if they got serious, they talked about going steady, not going offline.”
She could only imagine. So much must be different. Some of the older nurses at the hospital had told her stories about the AIDS crisis before the drugs. Mike must have lived through that and all the changes in the law and attitudes.
The baby kicked. She startled. Her mother had told her that boys kick the most, and sure enough the sonogram confirmed it was a son.
“When are you due?” Mike asked. “I hope you don’t mind me asking.”
She did in a way, and on the other hand it relieved her to talk about the elephant in the room. “In four weeks, but it feels like any day. It’s a boy.”
“That’s wonderful. Health and happiness to you both. It’s people like you who make the world a better place.”
That was a nice thing to say, especially that last part. It was kind of out of the blue. There might be more to it than appeared. She hesitated to ask. “Thank you. What do you mean by better place?”
The question might have surprised him. He flustered. There was something on his mind. Maybe she shouldn’t have asked.
“I just can’t stop thinking about something I saw in the paper today,” he said. “A picture of two boys hanging in a town square somewhere in Iran. I can’t get it out of my mind.” He rubbed his hands.
The Curse of Flight Page 18
