The Right to Surrender

by H M Thomas

  “You want me to leave.” Was it a question or simply a statement? Shock and hurt had her too confused to make sense of anything.

  Finn didn’t answer as he took her bag from the counter and escorted her to the door. “We can talk later.” He shrugged absently. “I’m busy.”

  Gretchen stopped walking, no longer letting him guide her out. “You’re kicking me out so you can fuck her?” Her voice cracked despite her every prayer that she sounded strong.

  “Lilah.” His voice was a low warning.

  “Of course you are.” The very last threads to him were snapping, and hysteria clawed its way up her chest. “That’s all you know how to do, right?”

  “Stop it,” he hissed. He threw a look over his shoulder to make sure Ronnie couldn’t hear him. “You know good and goddamn well, that’s not all I do. Don’t act like I’m not different with you, that I’m not different for you.”

  She stared back at him, searching his gray eyes without finding any of the answers she needed.

  “Don’t do that.” His voice dipped to a caress.

  “No.” She pulled herself together. “After the things you said to me, after the way you claimed to feel about me, and then you’re with her after what she had them do to me.” Her jaw trembled and Finn stepped toward her. She couldn’t let him touch her. She pushed away and rushed past the elevator to the immediate escape of the staircase.

  ~ ~ ~

  Finn didn’t go after Gretchen, though God knew he wanted to. Every damn cell in his body cried out for him to go to her and tell her the truth. He couldn’t do that. If he wanted this to work, if he wanted to make Ronnie pay for what she’d done, he had to stick to the rules of the game he and Benjamin Carpenter had laid out.

  He sighed and turned back toward his apartment. If only he could wave a magic wand that would have Ronnie gone when he returned. Unfortunately, she still lounged on his couch in silent invitation.

  He tried unsuccessfully to push back visions of Gretchen on that same couch, naked underneath him. “You should go.”

  “Or what?” She rose from the couch and sashayed across the open space to him. “Is she going to cut off your privileges?”

  Finn shook his head. He had to keep his feelings for Gretchen in check. He couldn’t afford to let anyone know how much he cared about her, especially potential enemies. It had already cost her too much, and he hadn’t even been sure of his feelings for her then. Ronnie would kill her now if she guessed the truth.

  “She’s just a girl,” he lied. It had only been a few weeks since Gretchen had made that same claim while lying in his bed, and he’d tried to convince her it could never be true.

  Ronnie nodded. “I warned her not to fall in love, especially with you.”

  He looked up and met her eyes, if he hadn’t believed Ronnie had ordered the attack on Gretchen before, he knew it now. “She’s young. She’ll get over it.” He played along.

  Ronnie smirked as if what he said changed anything between the two of them.

  “Either way, I’m not in the mood tonight. You were about to leave anyway.” If only Gretchen had shown up five minutes later, she could’ve told him about the case, and they could’ve spent one last night together.

  “Fine.” Ronnie huffed, turning on her heel and heading toward the door. She stopped when she reached him. “Think of me tonight while you lie all alone, Jay.” She pressed her lips to the corner of his mouth.

  He controlled the disgusted shiver that slithered through him and instead offered a weak smile. She kissed his cheek and walked out of the apartment. He shut the door behind her and locked it, then hurried to his bedroom to snatch his private phone from his bedside table. He dialed Gretchen’s number, surprised by her distracted greeting.

  “Where are you?” he asked.

  “What do you want?”

  “I want to know where you are.” He fought for composure. He wanted her back in his arms, not farther away.

  “On my way to my real home.”

  “Come back,” he ordered.

  “Hell no.” Her voice cracked, but she pushed forward. “You won’t ever have to worry about me darkening your doorstep, Finn James.”

  The break in her voice, eroded his resolve to keep her in the dark about his plans.

  “Come back, Gretchen.”

  “You must have me mistaken for someone else,” she told him coldly. “I informed you I’ll never be coming back. Unlike Ronnie, I’m not interested in your sick fucking games.”

  She ended the call and Finn stood staring at the phone in his hand. He wished her pride wasn’t one of the things he loved so much about her and hoped his wouldn’t be the reason he lost her.

  ~ ~ ~

  Finn paced back and forth across the small stoop of Gretchen’s apartment and waited for her to answer the door. He shouldn’t have come to her like this, but he couldn’t let her believe he didn’t care about her. He turned with a hand raised to knock again when she appeared through the glass.

  He stopped, sure his heart had as well when he spotted her in the doorway with only a towel on. Her wet hair fell in curls on her shoulders, one tendril even snaked down to disappear between her breasts. Tears clogged his throat, but he fought them back and met her glare. Her sadness had somehow deepened her green eyes.

  “Let me in.” He stepped forward.

  She shook her head. “You can’t come in. Please don’t come back.” She choked, moving back to close the door.

  He threw out a hand and held it open. “At least let me explain.” Though it would only be another lie until he could tell her the truth.

  Her eyes narrowed. She expected a lie. “No. This has gone far enough, Finn. I’m sorry for my reaction tonight. I only came by to tell you Lilah won’t be back. I’ve been taken off the case.”

  He pretended to be surprised, disappointed when she bought his act. “So why come by? Why not just disappear?”

  “To warn you.” She pulled her towel tighter around her. “I can’t protect you anymore. Stay away from there, please.”

  “Why?” He pushed closer, and she shuffled back, though she still didn’t leave enough room for him to slip inside.

  “I don’t want to see you hurt,” she confessed.

  “Because you love me?”

  “Because my brother does. You and I were merely part of the job.”

  Even knowing it was the first lie she’d ever told him didn’t ease the pain of her words. He understood now why she’d been chosen for undercover work, turned out Gretchen Christensen was a great fucking con artist too.

  “I thought you said you weren’t a liar,” he challenged.

  She didn’t even blink. “Good luck.” She stepped back and forced the door closed.

  Finn stood on the other side. Maybe by pure will he could get her to open the door to him, instead he listened as her footsteps grew fainter and then her lights went out one by one. He nodded to himself, uneasy with the sense of pride surging inside him. He walked away, vowing that in the end she’d be his, and he’d finally start loving her the way she deserved.

  Chapter 15

  Inexplicably, Gretchen had managed to go back to the life she’d led before she fell irrevocably in love with Finn James. Somehow, she got up every day and pretended her entire world hadn’t been turned on its axis. She tried to tell herself he felt the same way, but as reports came back of him spending more and more time with Ronnie Sinclair, it became increasingly difficult to convince herself he’d ever cared for her at all.

  She sat now, leaning back in her chair, her feet propped on the edge of the table, as Carpenter shared a similar report of the activities from the previous night. She laid her head back and stared at the ceiling. Every time they spoke of Jay Finley, she told herself they talked about someone she didn�
�t know, because truthfully, she hadn’t known Finn at all.

  “Any thoughts, Chris?” the captain snapped her to attention.

  “I’m sorry, what?” She dropped her feet and sat up.

  Carpenter rolled his eyes and beside her Neil suppressed a laugh.

  “We’re going in next Thursday,” Carpenter repeated for her benefit. “Any thoughts?”

  She had plenty of thoughts. None of which she would voice to her superior. She needed to get Finn out of the club without anyone knowing she’d tipped him off, and more importantly, without him telling Ronnie and blowing the whole case to shit.

  “They’ll have all their muscle there Thursday,” she mused. Carlisle planned to entertain his biggest supplier that night, which meant Ronnie would provide her girls’ services.

  “So will we,” Carpenter assured her. “So far everything we’ve received from our source and our inside guy’s proven true, I’m willing to go with this.” He paused for a moment before adding, “Unless there’s something you know.”

  She held his gaze for a moment before she shook her head. “Let me at Ronnie Sinclair and I’ll do whatever you want.”

  She didn’t realize how venomous she sounded until she heard the sharp gasps of a few of her fellow agents. She turned her glare to them now in a dare.

  One raised his chin. “She do that to your face a few weeks ago?”

  She shook her head. “She didn’t have the balls, just the bank account.”

  “Tell me who she hired, and I’ll take care of them,” another agent spoke up.

  She couldn’t help her smile, despite the anger inside her. These men wouldn’t turn on her the way Finn had. “Already handled,” she answered quietly.

  “From inside?” The same agent let out a low whistle. “They did that for you?”

  She didn’t answer. Had anything Finn did actually been for her?

  “Why?”

  This time she let a slow smile spread across her lips. “What can I say? I’m pretty good on a pole.”

  “Yeah she is,” shouted Jackson. He could always be counted on to break the tension.

  She rolled her eyes as the men laughed. Although she tried to laugh it off, it was the truth. Finn had only retaliated against the men who’d almost raped her because he didn’t share. Since he didn’t seem to have any problems with the woman who’d ordered them to do it.

  “Damn, Neil,” another agent laughed, “you better get a leash on her.”

  “How many times . . . It’s not like that.” Neil shook his head and glanced at her. Poor guy. Being paired with the only female agent had to suck.

  “That’s enough.” Carpenter brought them all back to the job, before turning to her. “We’ll see what we can do about you and Sinclair.”

  She nodded and settled back into her seat to let her mind wander as they began to discuss the layout of the club and the best way to enter. She’d let them work on that problem. She needed to figure out how to get to Finn.

  ~ ~ ~

  Finn drummed his fingers impatiently on the table, as a new dancer spun around the pole on stage. Watching the dancer only made him wish she were Gretchen, until he physically ached for her touch. Everything in this damn club made him think of her now.

  The private phone in his pocket buzzed, and his gaze darted around the room before he pulled it out and checked the display.

  Brock.

  He hadn’t talked to his best friend in weeks, admittedly avoiding his calls, because he wouldn’t be able to hide his feelings for Gretchen. Ironically, he answered now to hear anything Brock would say to assure him he’d made the right decision.

  “Hey,” he greeted his friend. “How’s it going, married man?”

  Brock paused slightly on the other end of the line before he finally spoke. “My sister asked me to call you.”

  Finn’s stomach dropped, and he took a deep breath. It wouldn’t do him any good to seem over eager. “Yeah, what’s she want you to give me hell about?”

  “I think she’s worried about you.”

  Finn snickered. “Gretchen’s not worried about me.” Anger, hatred, hurt, possibly embarrassment. No doubt Gretchen felt all those emotions when it came to him. He doubted she’d wasted any time with worry.

  Brock again took his time before he asked, “How do you know it’s Gretchen? I have three sisters, Finn. How do you know it’s her? What the hell’s going on?”

  Finn swallowed hard. He’d finally managed to slip up, not surprising since his mind had been torn between his work at the club and thoughts of Gretchen for months now. “What did she say?”

  Brock sighed loudly. “She says I should invite you to dinner next Thursday. Any reason for that?”

  Finn’s chest grew tight. Relief and happiness swept through him. He hadn’t lost her yet, if she’d found a way to warn him about the raid he’d helped set up. “Not that I know of,” he lied.

  There were several moments of silence before Brock spoke again. “Is she in trouble?”

  Of course, Brock would expect that. Trouble always followed Finn. “Not anymore,” he admitted. “I took care of her, man.”

  Brock cursed under his breath. “I trust you,” he finally told Finn. “Because I love you like a brother.”

  “And you know I’ve always cared about Gretchen.”

  “Like a sister?” Brock challenged.

  Finn didn’t answer. He wouldn’t lie, but he wasn’t in the mood for confessions.

  “Dammit, Finn, if anything happens to her.”

  “It won’t,” he assured his friend. It couldn’t, he wouldn’t survive if it did. “She’s safe, she’s good.” He hoped he spoke the truth.

  “And you?”

  Finn hesitated. Was he safe? Was he good? He’d fallen in love with Gretchen Christensen, his best friend’s little sister, an actual fucking debutante turned federal agent. His heart would never be the same again, but he’d survive.

  “I’m sure I will be.” He prayed he was right.

  ~ ~ ~

  Gretchen stood in the locker room and fastened her vest. Tonight, she and her team would storm Raymond Carlisle’s club while he met with his top drug supplier. Ronnie Sinclair already had her girls set up in the private rooms for entertaining, every room except the one Gretchen had used, the room where she’d first had sex with Finn. Ronnie had saved that room for herself, and so far, she’d only invited Finn inside.

  Gretchen closed her eyes and pulled a deep breath in through her nose. She smelled Neil’s cologne before she felt him beside her. The man was a damn ninja.

  Opening her eyes, she met his assessing stare.

  “You ready for this?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” She gave a swift nod. She vibrated with the need to face Ronnie Sinclair. She hoped to God Finn wouldn’t get caught in the crosshairs.

  “What about Finley?” As if he read her mind, Neil leaned against a locker and studied her.

  She shifted. “What about him?”

  “Jesus, Gretchen.” He pushed away from the locker and came to stand in front of her. “Don’t play cool with me. He took out his own guys for you. They’re still in the fucking hospital. He didn’t do that because you’re good on a pole, and you know it.”

  Wrong. As much as she wanted to believe it, she didn’t know it. “He had to,” she explained. “He’d staked a claim on a piece of meat and someone dared to poach. If he hadn’t done anything, he would’ve lost credibility, respect.” Her voice didn’t waver, she’d told herself the same thing so many times it had become a simple recitation.

  “So, if he’s there tonight?” Neil pushed.

  “I’d prefer he stay out of my way.” She shrugged as if she’d do what she had to, but she’d never be able to hurt Finn. She feared he�
�d stand between her and Ronnie, and she’d be forced to let the other woman go to save him. She refused to allow herself to consider the implications of such a scenario.

  “We roll in five,” a voice called from the door of the locker room. She met Neil’s glare stoically.

  “Kick ass in there.” He extended his fist.

  She bumped it with her own. “Take names,” she finished, holding his gaze for a moment before they made their way out.

  ~ ~ ~

  Finn downed his drink. A terrible idea since Gretchen and her group were scheduled to burst through the doors within the hour, but he needed something to calm his nerves. Tonight would make or break his entire world. He was giving up the life he’d known for the last ten years, so he could start a new life with Gretchen.

  Hopefully. He had no guarantee she’d give him a chance in hell when this case ended.

  The stripper in front of him slid onto his lap and rubbed her core against his thigh. A few months ago, he might’ve been able to work up some interest in her. Tonight he met her vacant stare and felt nothing. Now that he’d had Gretchen, he’d never want another woman.

  “You like this one.” Ronnie’s hot breath crawled over his neck as she slid onto the bench beside him. She reached out and ran an acrylic nail down the other woman’s chest and over her hard nipple.

  “She tastes even better than she looks,” Ronnie slid her hand across his lap and cupped his balls before she squeezed lightly. “We should try her later.”

  He swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat. That last drink had definitely been a mistake. “Why don’t you go back and get ready for me?”

  Her eyes went wide. He’d constantly pushed her away since she’d arrived in town weeks ago, giving her just enough attention to keep her from being suspicious. He hadn’t had sex with her though. Despite what Gretchen probably believed, he couldn’t touch another woman while she held his heart.