When Rivals Lose

by Beck, J. L.

  She didn’t just loose her sister, but her entire family all in one swoop. Where I had lost the love of my life, she lost it all.

  Ha. Pathetic. Here I was whining over something as superficial as spilt milk when the person who should really be hurting was smiling as if the world hadn’t done her wrong.

  Selfish asshole. I was going through my own shit yes, but she was just a kid. This is dumb, ridiculous. Why the fuck do I even care? The past is the past. It’s not like I can go back and change what I did, or what happened.

  Nothing can, because if I could I would find a way for Amy to be here with me.

  Fuck, I need to get out of my head. Stop thinking about her. About all of it. It was easier when I pretended that part of my life never happened. I thought I was over this, over Amy but one look at Lily and the flood gates opened.

  Lily was a reminder of everything I had lost, and everything I would never have.

  There was no moving on from someone you loved, someone you never got the chance to say goodbye too. All there was, was learning to deal with the absence that they left in your heart.

  Nothing will bring Amy back. It’s now a reminder I’ll have to repeat back to myself often.

  But Lily… she is still here and as badly as her presence made me feel it also brought me a sliver of excitement, a zing of pleasure so foreign I nearly forgot what it felt like to be even a little joyful. I feel like an even bigger ass thinking about it. I shouldn't feel this way about anyone, especially not about Amy’s sister.

  Betrayal. I know the feeling all too well. It burns through me like a hot knife slicing through butter. Every time I would fuck another woman, look at another woman it would sneak up on me and sink it’s razor teeth into my back. It was always there, in the back of my mind, eating away at my subconscious. Gnawing on me.

  I was good, but I wasn’t good enough to get Amy back.

  I wasn’t good enough to let go of her memory and now I was thinking about her sister and how much they looked alike. Making a fist I slammed it against the side of my head over and over again. The fucking thing inside my head had better start working or else…

  Finally the whiskey I all but guzzled down starts to work and my brain slows, a fog settling over my thoughts, and lifting the elephant sitting on my chest just enough for me to suck in a full breath. Everything inside of me screams for me to leave Lily alone to forget about her. To forget about Amy.

  Forget, forget, forget.

  She’s happy, going to college, finding her way. She has her whole life in front of her, a promising, happy life. If she hasn’t already she’ll find love a life worth living for.

  Falling back against the couch I tilt my head back and stare up at the ceiling. I don’t know where the thought comes from but something inside my head says…

  Do what Amy would want you to do. Be there, but only if you need to be.

  The voice inside my head calms me enough for me to rationalize with myself. Yes, I’ll only be there if I need to be. Only help if I’m needed.

  A little of the guilt in my gut fades away, but I still feel it deeply, like a crater of an asteroid impact it remains, the gaping hole refusing to ever heal. Lily already left her mark on me and it’s going to take an epic amount of effort to forget that she fucking existed again.

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