How to Speak Boy

by Tiana Smith

  “Nice try,” Grayson said. “But there’s no way I’m going to let our fellow classmates miss out on your best performances.”

  “In that case, I wouldn’t want to deprive them of yours either,” I said.

  Grayson barely gave a hint of a smile before replying, “Fine. We’re both doing it. What about the Thanksgiving party?”

  “I’m not doing it by myself if you’re not doing the cheers alone,” I said in warning.

  “Guess we’re stuck doing that together too,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

  Great. I tried not to let my dismay show on my face, but Grayson was laughing at me when Coach Bates came over to where we were sitting.

  “Hey, you two, I’ve been gathering the new team members over in that corner of the room.” She pointed. “It’d be great if you could give them a run-down of the different speech and debate events so they can pick what they want to compete in.”

  Coach left to help someone else and Grayson started gathering his things.

  “I’ll grab the handouts,” I said, already heading to the file cabinet. Grayson went to introduce himself to the freshmen and I pulled out enough flyers so everyone could have their own copy. By the time I made it to the group, three of the freshman girls were already staring dreamily at Grayson like he was some kind of Greek god. I dropped the papers on the table with a thump and everyone jumped.

  “All right. So, there’s different events you can compete in, and you’ll need to decide whether you want to do things on the speech side or debate side,” I said.

  “Aren’t they the same thing?” a boy asked, not even bothering to pick up a handout. “Like, you stand up in front of people and talk about something and then it looks good on your college applications?”

  I grabbed a paper and placed it in front of him. “No. Speech and debate are two separate things, and they each have at least five different events. You’ll see them listed out here.” I pointed to the location on the handout. “I’m not going to go through them all since I’m pretty sure you all can read.”

  Grayson must have thought I wasn’t handling things well, because he jumped in. “What Quinn means to say is, read through the options, and then if you have questions about anything, we’re here for you. Quinn and I both compete in Original Oratory, which means we write our own speeches, hoping to persuade listeners to adopt our point of view on a particular topic. It’s one of the solo events for speech. But there’s also pair events that you can do with a partner on both the speech side and debate.”

  “But Oratory is clearly the best,” I said. “Except that then you have to spend more time with Grayson, and I can’t recommend that for your health.”

  “All events are equally great,” Grayson said, shooting me a look that was practically begging me to behave already. “So no matter what you pick, you’ll have fun. Though, obviously we’re biased toward Oratory. Even if the downside means practices with Quinn.”

  “Does that mean you compete against each other?” one of the girls asked.

  I wanted to say, “Only in everything,” but I held my tongue and simply nodded.

  “Which one of you is better?” she asked.

  I coughed uncomfortably.

  “Duh,” one of the boys answered. “They’re both team captains, aren’t they? They’re probably about the same, right?”

  “Sure,” Grayson said.

  The word was innocent enough. But his tone and the way he said it sounded so … so … condescending. Like he was patting a grumpy toddler on the head and trying to appease them.

  It didn’t matter that he was right. Sure, I’d been playing the part of the underdog lately, but it wasn’t always like that. This year it was my turn. State was going to prove that, when I came home with the first-place trophy.

  Actually, it didn’t matter what place I got, so long as it was better than Grayson.

  “Read over the events,” I said, careful to keep my tone even. “I need to leave by five to catch the city bus, so make sure you find me before then if you have any questions.” I stood up from the table and turned away, prepared to leave them to it.

  “Real team captains stay late, though.” Grayson’s voice was taunting, the way it was when he was being purposefully obtuse. “I’ll be here as long as it takes.”

  I turned back around and addressed the group. “Practice is usually over by then anyway, so don’t worry, you shouldn’t have to resort to second best.”

  “You know, Quinn, I could give you a ride after practices. Consider it my gift to you.” Grayson’s signature half smile was firmly in place, his dimple pronounced.

  “I’d rather have food poisoning for a week,” I said politely, smiling the whole time. Grayson leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

  “You’re always so uptight. Relax. It’s not like anyone wants to ride the bus.”

  Fun fact: When someone tells you to “relax,” the opposite actually happens.

  Grayson went back to looking at the handout, but I was bristling. I knew it was all a game to him, but his comments always got under my skin.

  “Better the bus than your company,” I replied, flipping my hair over my shoulder. Then I turned and walked back to my own desk, fuming the whole time.

  I knew working with Grayson would be difficult. But did he have to be so … so … Grayson-y? With that smile that he knew was cute, and his too-witty comments that I never knew how to answer?

  I pulled out my notebook and started working on my first speech of the season. There was only one solution to the Grayson problem. I’d have to crush him in the competition. No matter what it took, I’d make sure that happened.

  Chapter Four

  There was a note waiting for me in my cubby the next day. And it was there before lunch, which meant 15211 either had AP Government sometime in the morning, or whoever it was had realized the mistake too and had gone to return my assignment first thing. There had to be at least four or five classes of AP Government throughout the day, so really, 15211 could be anyone.

  I’d checked as I walked to English because it was on the way. Seeing the letter in my cubby, I was glad I’d decided to come early.

  I analyzed the handwriting, trying to figure out if it looked feminine or masculine. It didn’t really matter, but it was strange not to know. The writing was slanted and bold, sure of itself, but somehow elegant at the same time. It was better than my own, but not as bubbly. I flipped it over, but they hadn’t signed their name. I turned it back and began reading.

  Dear 15511,

  Believe it or not, I hate politics more than I hate cherry-flavored cough medicine, so no, my “AP Government–loving heart” didn’t have some kind of an attack, thank you very much.

  Sorry you bombed this assignment. If it’s any consolation, I’ll probably fail the next one since I’m writing to some girl (a guess from your handwriting) instead of paying attention to Ms. Navarrete talk about the role of social media in the latest presidential elections. Have fun with that today. She seems to think everyone’s still on Myspace. I think that died like a century ago.

  I’m second-guessing whether I’ll leave you this note. Maybe I’ll just return your paper with a quick “Here you go, enjoy!” Then you wouldn’t think I’m a creepy guy. I promise I’m not. Just bored.

  15211

  By the time I’d finished reading it, I’d made it to English class. I wove through the desks until I made it to the back row, where Naomi, Carter, and I usually sat. I was pretty early and they weren’t there yet, so I pulled out my notebook and debated whether to write 15211 back.

  I didn’t have to. He’d returned my assignment, so really, what more was there to talk about? He’d probably think I was the creepy one if I kept this going.

  That was when Naomi dropped her book on the desk next to mine, folding her long legs into the space that was clearly meant for a much shorter person.

  “Ooh, a note that isn’t from me?” she asked, leaning over to grab the paper on my d
esk. “Look at you, expanding your circle of friends.”

  “Ha,” I deadpanned. “Don’t get your hopes up. I don’t even know the guy. He somehow ended up with my assignment in AP Government, so I asked him to return it and it came with this.”

  “He sounds cute,” she replied, looking over the letter.

  “How could you possibly know that?” I asked. “Do you have a superpower you never told me about?”

  She placed the note back on my desk.

  “Well, he’s funny. So.”

  “Comedians are usually funny because they aren’t attractive,” I replied. “They have to develop other talents in order to stand a chance.”

  “You’re going to write him back, right?” Naomi dug through her bag until she found her English book, which she placed on her desk.

  “What’s the point?” I fingered the edge of my notebook, unsure whether I wanted her to convince me.

  “The point?” She leaned forward. “The point is, you need more people in your life besides me and Carter. You’re too happy in your antisocial bubble. It’s great that you’re so techie, and helping your mom in your free time and all that, but you’re like a grandma in teenager skin. Besides, a little flirting never hurt anyone. You could use the practice.”

  “Oh, so not only do I have to write him back, but now I have to flirt with him?”

  She tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and handed it to me, as if I didn’t have my own right in front of me.

  “I could use the entertainment.” Naomi didn’t say anything else after that. She just raised her eyebrows and motioned for me to continue while she used her phone’s front-facing camera to reapply her lipstick.

  I sighed as I picked up my pen. I had no idea what to write, despite Naomi’s meddling.

  Somehow, I’d have to confirm he was right that I was a girl. He’d been nice enough to clue me in, and I wasn’t about to share anything more personal. No way was I going to tell him anything that might name me as the person who “bombed the assignment,” as he’d so politely put it. I started writing.

  You know “I’m not creepy” is exactly what a creeper would say, right? I’m not holding my breath. Besides, who gets that many answers right on an AP Government assignment? Either you study way too much, or you’re too smart for your own good. Either way, I think I’ve decided not to like you. It’s not good for my fragile girl ego to be friends with someone like that.

  I smiled as I wrote that. Would he get my sarcasm? I debated starting over. But Naomi was looking over my shoulder and nodding in approval. Besides, if he couldn’t get my sense of humor, then it’d be better to know now. Especially if I was going to be forced to exchange notes with a stranger.

  I glanced up to check the clock. Only a few more minutes until English started. Naomi was talking to the girl to her right, so I returned my attention to the note.

  Anyway. I just saw Mr. Williams pick his nose, and I had to tell someone. There you go.

  It didn’t mean I had English class right now, even though I did. I could have seen my teacher in the hall or between classes. And it wasn’t like I was delivering this letter before eighth period, so 15211 would have no idea what time I’d written this. I hadn’t given too much away. It was strange, how easy it was to talk to a perfect stranger. Like, by not knowing who he was, I could tell him anything. I was like those trolls who felt empowered on the internet. Anonymity made me bold.

  I tried to think of anything else to say, but I was all out. My English teacher finished picking his nose, which meant he was probably going to start class soon. I signed my student ID number and put it back in my bag so I could place the note in 15211’s cubby when I had AP Government.

  Carter walked in, saw us, and smiled so big, I knew he was up to something. The smile stayed there the whole time as he walked to the back.

  “I have news,” he said, sliding into the chair to my left. His sandy hair stuck out from under his hoodie and he leaned toward me. “I’m switching events.”

  “For speech and debate?” Naomi asked. She’d stopped talking to the person to her right when Carter joined us. She had this wild theory that Carter had a crush on me, and sometimes, I believed it. He’d randomly say things that made me wonder if he was flirting. Or trying to. Usually, I ignored it, because that would just be awkward. When you grew up with someone as a friend, it was impossible to see them any other way. But mostly, I thought Naomi was full of it. She wasn’t super close to him, so she didn’t know him like I did.

  “What other event would I be talking about?” He shoved his backpack under his desk and looked back toward us.

  “But you’ve always done Impromptu,” I said. “You’re good at it.” I tried to think of why Coach would have him switch, but came up empty. Carter was quick with witty responses and made up facts with such confidence that he could fool an expert in the field. It was like he was handmade for Impromptu.

  Honestly, I’d always been a bit jealous, because Impromptu seemed like so much less work than my event. He didn’t have to research facts or memorize a ten-minute speech. He didn’t rewrite the same line five different ways to get the pacing and cadence perfect. He just showed up.

  “Why, thank you,” he said, bowing slightly from the waist. So humble. I couldn’t help but laugh and Carter joined in. Naomi rolled her eyes and started talking to the other girl again, obviously bored with our speech and debate conversation.

  “I wanted something different,” he said. “And this way, I’ll get to spend more time with you. Win-win.” He grinned and reached over to slug me lightly in the arm.

  “Wait, you’re doing Oratory now?” I sat back and tried not to let my shock show on my face. It was bad enough I had to compete against Grayson, but now Carter, one of my best friends? The guy who always gave me his brownie from the lunch line because he knew I liked them?

  “Yeah, so since you’re team captain, you have to give me pointers.”

  Oh, and then there was that. Not only would I have to compete against him, I’d have to help him. I’d have to coach him in my own event, reveal all my secrets and tips, and hope it didn’t come back to bite me.

  I already knew it would. If Carter could channel his natural talent into a memorized speech, then he’d have the perfect one-liners every single time.

  This was supposed to be my year. The year I’d win state, and beat Grayson, and actually have things work in my favor for once.

  Sure, I’d known I’d need to compete for it, but now even my friends were conspiring against me. Why couldn’t Carter have stayed doing Impromptu? Just to “spend more time with me”?

  Making things worse, I couldn’t even tell Carter how I really felt. Only a week ago, we’d been talking about how hard it was to find time for friends our senior year. This was obviously his solution to the problem. I’d meant it was hard to find time to hang out with Carter and Naomi together when everyone had different schedules, but it wasn’t like I could clarify now. How could I be so harsh to express my displeasure when Carter was only trying to do something nice?

  I plastered a smile on my face. “That’s great news,” I said, hoping Mr. Williams would start class soon and end my misery.

  Such great news.

  Chapter Five

  The next day, I got another note.

  Dear 15511,

  You say you don’t want to be my friend. Here are all the reasons why you should be so lucky:

  1. I’m a pro at keeping secrets.

  2. I’d tell you if you had something stuck in your teeth.

  3. I’d never make you sing karaoke.

  4. I can beatbox. Okay, not really, but that’d be pretty cool, right?

  5. I’m a silent chewer.

  6. I know how to pronounce “Worcestershire.”

  7. I never wear socks with sandals.

  8. I always text back.

  I’m running out of reasons, and I haven’t even gotten to ten, which makes me worried I might not actually be good friend ma
terial, so if you wanted to crush my ego, then mission accomplished. With that happy thought, it’s probably best if I stop writing now.

  15211

  I honestly hadn’t expected him to write back. This was getting a little ridiculous. How long did he expect me to keep this up? I wasn’t planning on responding, but then Naomi found the letter in my backpack and threatened to show everyone on the speech team pictures from when I stuffed my bra during a sleepover if I didn’t write back right away. That was more ammo than I wanted my competition to have, so I pulled out a pen and wrote 15211 back. I kept it short.

  You know how to pronounce “Worcestershire”? If you tell me you can draw stick figures too, you’re hired.

  His next note had been a stick figure drawing of two people. One had a regular circle for its head while the other had an elongated oval. He’d captioned it, Why the long face? Despite myself, I laughed.

  I wrote back.

  My best stick figures happen when I play hangman. So here’s a word for you to guess. It also happens to be my favorite food.

  It’d taken almost a week of back and forth for him to figure out I liked mint Oreos. The following day, a whole pack of them showed up in my cubby.

  I’ll admit, that went a long way toward making me like the guy. Anyone who bought me chocolate was okay by me.

  When he told me it was physically impossible for him to watch a movie without popcorn, I bought him a bag from the vending machine to return the favor.

  The white cheddar kind. Because it’s hands-down the best. Don’t argue. You know I’m right.

  Somehow I found myself falling into this new rhythm where I exchanged notes with a stranger almost every day. Sometimes it was one line, sometimes a full page, but it always made me smile. After enough time had passed, Naomi didn’t even have to pressure me into it. It became something I looked forward to, rather than a weird social experiment.