How to Speak Boy

by Tiana Smith

  “You have to promise not to laugh.”

  I guessed if we were going to give friendship a shot, then it could start here.

  Grayson smiled a blinding smile and I couldn’t turn back now. I pursed my lips together and thought of the best way to tell him without looking like a fool.

  Grayson held up his fingers in what I guessed was the scout oath. “I won’t laugh,” he said.

  I still didn’t say anything, and Grayson exhaled. “You still don’t believe me? Fine, I pinkie promise.” He caught my hand in his and intertwined our pinkie fingers. My skin burned at the contact and I stared down at our fingers. How could he be so casual about touching me when I overanalyzed every single thing I did in his presence to replay in my mind later?

  “I won’t laugh, and I won’t tell a soul. I promise I won’t judge either.”

  He certainly seemed sure of himself. He always did. But how could he know it wasn’t something he’d laugh at?

  He still hadn’t dropped my hand, and I tried not to read anything into it. It was getting harder and harder to remember why crushing on Grayson was a bad idea. Not so long ago it’d been so easy to hate him. I hadn’t even realized my own feelings. Then he kissed me, and my world shifted. Adding that to the fact that I still had no idea what was going on with him and Zara, or what had gone down. Plus, he’d said things were going well with some other girl, so really, I didn’t know which way was up right now.

  “Okay, I’ll tell you, but not here, surrounded by all these strangers.”

  He pulled me up, still holding my hand as he towed me after him.

  “Wait,” I said. “I need to watch this main lobby.” I wasn’t about to miss meeting 15211 because I couldn’t keep my head on straight. But it wasn’t like I wanted 15211 to come and find me talking to some other guy either, so maybe it was for the best that we go somewhere else. Grayson nodded, but still kept pulling me along.

  The lobby was an enormous circular room, with pillars reaching up several floors surrounding it. Each floor looked down on the red-and-black marble star on the bottom floor, a short guardrail going around the pillars on every level. We went all the way to the fourth floor, the dome above us filling the space with its fancy filigree ornamentation. The star was actually below the main level, but when you walked in, there was a circular overlook and chairs that looked down on it. That main waiting area was where I was supposed to meet 15211, but from here on the top floor, I could clearly see everyone milling around below, so my shoulders relaxed.

  Grayson leaned back against the railing and crossed his arms, looking at me intently. I avoided his gaze and scanned the people below. 15211 would be here any minute. I was running out of time to explain things to Grayson without leaving him here to find out for himself. Then who knew what he’d do. If he learned about 15211 without me explaining it first, he might … I don’t know. Say something to him or something. I didn’t want to wait to find out.

  “So I’m supposed to meet someone here,” I said, drumming my fingers lightly against the marble railing and looking down.

  “I figured.” Grayson turned so we were facing the same way, our shoulders touching. “Who?”

  I sucked in a breath. “I don’t know.” It was freeing to finally say it aloud. Here on the top floor, we were all alone. Just Grayson, and me, and the secret I’d been holding on to all school year. Well, that and the Winged Victory replica and creepy horseback dude statues.

  “You don’t know,” he repeated.

  I nodded.

  “Like a blind date? Because the state capitol building is so romantic.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm. We were speaking in kind of hushed tones since the marble made everything echo, and Grayson gestured around us. “All these politicians making shady deals and getting hyped up over their own importance. I know I’m feeling the love.”

  He elbowed me lightly in the side and I scoffed.

  “Not like a date. Well, I don’t know, but I don’t think so.”

  “Shouldn’t that be something you know?” Grayson was outright smirking now, and I punched him in the arm.

  “You promised not to make fun of me.”

  He held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, I’ll be good. So, you’re meeting someone you don’t know, for what could maybe be a date, but could also be a regular traipse through the Idaho state capitol building. As one does.”

  I rolled my eyes and he continued.

  “I mean, I come here all the time to hang out. All the cool kids are doing it. It’s the place to be these days.”

  “He was going to help me with AP Government and Politics,” I said, laughing. “So yes, this is the place to do that.”

  “Like a tutor?”

  I took a deep breath before nodding. Admitting there was one more thing Grayson beat me at wasn’t easy. But it wasn’t like it was a fair fight. His mom was in politics. He had politics in his DNA. “Our assignments got swapped in our cubbies way back in the beginning of the school year, so we started exchanging letters. He’s really good in that class and I’m pretty much failing, so I finally agreed to meet him under the condition that he share some of his knowledge.”

  Grayson drew back and looked at me.

  “And you didn’t ask me for help? I’m offended. I happen to know a lot about government stuff, you know.”

  “I know.” I looked at the floor. My worn-out shoes were so out of place among all the grandeur. “But it’s not exactly easy for me to admit that I suck at something. To say I’m stupid.”

  He tilted his head. “You are the furthest thing from stupid. You don’t understand something. There’s a big difference.” He then peered over the railing. “So what time is your mystery man supposed to meet you?”

  Grayson hadn’t mocked me. An unfamiliar emotion bloomed in my chest and I struggled to make sense of it. Grayson had once accused me of always making him into the bad guy. It was easy to do when you constantly competed with someone. But now I wondered how many of my interactions of him were colored by my expecting him to play the villain, because right now he was acting downright heroic.

  I looked back over the foyer. Still no one under the age of forty. The time to meet had come and gone and I didn’t quite know what to make of it. My palms were sticky with sweat and I wiped them on my jeans, but that didn’t stop them from shaking. What if 15211 had seen me waiting in the foyer, figured out who I was, and then left? What if he was one of those people who cared about popularity, or what if he simply didn’t care enough to show up in the first place? I could have built this whole thing out of nothing when, to him, it was something he did to pass the time.

  Grayson took my silence for his answer and he turned away from the balcony to look at me. His scrutiny made me self-conscious and I bit my lip.

  “You’re really upset by this, aren’t you?” he asked. I sighed and moved to walk away, but he put his hand on my arm. “Why?”

  “Why?” I folded my arms. “Why do you think? I’ve been stood up.” I turned away from him to look back out again. He joined me at the railing, placing his forearms on the marble and leaning out.

  “Well, he’s the stupid one for letting you go when he had the opportunity.” He said it so certainly, looking deep into my eyes until I had to look away. “Really stupid.”

  I gave him a sad smile, my chest feeling tight and stiff. “You want to know why I care so much?”

  “I already said I did.”

  I sighed. “Remember how I told you I liked someone?” I turned around so I was facing Grayson. His eyes were wide with surprise.

  “You were talking about him.” He didn’t say it as a question, so I didn’t bother replying. I simply stood there, willing the tears not to come. I could feel them on the corners of my vision, stinging as I blinked. That’d now been two guys to reject me. I really knew how to pick them.

  “Maybe you wouldn’t have liked him,” Grayson said. “Maybe you would have been disappointed and it’s better that you don’t know.”


  I shrugged. “It’s kind of hard to imagine. He was pretty perfect on paper.”

  Grayson’s cheek twitched.

  “Perfect is overrated. You turned me down at least.”

  I scoffed and pushed his shoulder. If I was being honest with myself, though, well, sometimes I regretted that decision.

  But that was a secret I was prepared to take to my grave.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “You know what we should do? We should write this guy a letter.” Grayson started leading me away from the overlook.

  “We?” I asked. “There is no we.”

  I didn’t mean for that to sound as harsh as it came out. What I meant was that I was pretty sure 15211 wouldn’t appreciate a letter from some random person I’d invited into our little secret relationship. But Grayson winced and I hurried to explain.

  “What I mean is—”

  “No, I get it. You already told me you don’t trust me. I’m going to prove to you that you can. But now, what I meant is that you should write him a letter and I’ll help you.”

  “You’ll help me,” I repeated, still not sure what he was talking about, or where we were going. I followed Grayson toward the stairwell. I reached out to stop him, and my hand lingered on his arm against my will. “Where are we going?”

  “My mom’s office. We need paper.”

  My feet were now planted on the ground. I wasn’t about to keep walking even if there was a hurricane on the way.

  Grayson walked a few more steps before realizing I wasn’t following. He turned, then came back and grabbed my hand to tow me along. He had to pull, because I wasn’t coming easy.

  “What? She doesn’t bite.”

  “I know,” I said, still not moving. “But she’s so … intimidating. She’s scary.”

  This made him chuckle. “Don’t I know it. I have to live with her. But don’t worry. She’s not there right now.”

  “I thought she asked you to bring her some paperwork?” I said.

  “Oh, yeah, well, she had to leave right after I brought it to her,” he said. “That’s why I know she’s not there.”

  “And they allow anyone to go into the governor’s office?” I took one step. “I mean, I guess you’re her son, but what about state secrets or something?”

  “We’ll get the paper from her assistant. Her desk is outside.”

  He’d thought of answers for everything, and I found my resolve weakening.

  “Okay, but why are we writing a letter right now?” I took another step.

  “Because you need to tell him what you’re really feeling while your emotions are fresh from him ghosting you.”

  “I can do that on my own, thank you very much.”

  I was running out of reasons. Once again, Grayson was winning an argument despite my best efforts. I shook my head, but this time somehow found myself smiling.

  “That’s not as much fun,” Grayson said.

  We made it to the stairwell and started walking down. He was in front, me still a step behind.

  “Besides, I’m a guy and can tell you what will make him feel the worst about it.”

  “But I don’t want to make him feel bad,” I said.

  “Why not?” Grayson stopped and looked at me. “He stood you up and you don’t want to make him even a little uncomfortable?”

  “Because I like the guy.” I chewed my lower lip. “If I tell him off for today, that might be the end of it. Besides, I’m not that mean. Well, not to most people at least. Just you.”

  Grayson smiled and it was like the sun was there with us in that stairwell.

  “All the more reason to ream him out then,” Grayson said, resuming our walk down the stairs. “If you really like the guy, he should treat you right and you shouldn’t let him get away with stuff like this. As your friend, I have to make sure he’s good enough for you.”

  “I’m really more concerned about my grade in AP Government than anything,” I said. That was a half lie. I was probably fifty-fifty on my reasons for wanting to meet 15211.

  “Don’t be. I’ll tutor you.” He said it like it was a done deal. Like he totally didn’t mind all the extra time it’d take or the fact that I really had no idea what I was doing in that class.

  “I think you’re underestimating how bad I am at AP Government,” I said, trailing my fingers along the stair railing. “I can’t ask you to do that for me. I mean, it could take up a lot of your time. My grades are really that low.”

  “That’s what friends are for, right? Besides, maybe then you’ll see I’m not such a bad guy after all and I can prove it to you. Your grades will prove it.” Grayson led me down a hall, then turned right. “As for time…” He turned to face me. “I’m counting on it.”

  Butterflies the size of elephants were having a dance party in my stomach. How could he act all flirty like that and use the word friends in the same breath? Was he doing this on purpose? To build my hopes up only to crush them before state, like Carter implied? I tried to imagine what Naomi would tell me to do since she was much better with guys. But she’d been the one to encourage things with 15211 and that hadn’t exactly worked out, so I had no clue what she’d think now. Trying to imagine what Carter would say wasn’t any better, because I knew he had definite opinions and I increasingly wasn’t sure I agreed with them.

  We reached our destination. Or so I was guessing, because the lady at the desk looked up and smiled when she saw Grayson. We were in some kind of a foyer, the large desk taking more than its fair share of space. There was a door to the side, and I stared at it in awe. I was 90 percent sure that was his mom’s office, and I could still feel the glimmer of her presence, like even the door was affected by her aura.

  The receptionist’s eyes crinkled at the corners. “Grayson! How nice to see you.”

  Grayson returned her smile. “We wondered if you had some paper we could borrow. And a pen too, please.”

  “Of course.” She handed him a notebook with the instruction that he could keep it. Grayson took it with a smile and then passed over the sticky note he’d had in his pocket from earlier.

  “Oh, I’m supposed to give this to you too,” he said. “I wasn’t sure I’d have time today, but here you go.”

  I remembered that Grayson had been walking toward the main doors when he’d seen me and I wondered where he’d been going, and what I was keeping him from.

  Grayson walked me over to one of the benches surrounding the star in the floor, giving me the notebook. He sat close to me, and even though I promised I wouldn’t read into those kinds of things anymore, I couldn’t help it.

  “Okay, so how do you usually start your letters?” Grayson asked.

  I wrote Dear 15211 at the top of the paper.

  “Well, that’s no good,” he said, reading over my shoulder. “You need to start with ‘Hey, dirtbag,’ or something so he knows you’re mad at him.”

  I laughed, which seemed impossible in this situation. He was right. I should have been mad. But with Grayson here to soften the blow, I’d almost forgotten all those negative emotions.

  He reached over and scratched out my words, leaving the notepad in my hands.

  “Try again. Hey, Loser,” he said, motioning for me to start writing.

  “Don’t call me a loser,” I retorted with a laugh. He rolled his eyes.

  “I’m dictating. Write Hey, Loser already.”

  I sighed, but started writing as Grayson kept talking. Might as well get this out of my system, because it was obvious Grayson wasn’t going to give up.

  “You have no idea what you’re missing because I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you,” Grayson dictated.

  I smacked his arm, but Grayson talked over me. “Seriously. I’m witty, gorgeous, talented, and smart, so it’s your loss.”

  I stopped writing, swallowed the lump in my throat, and bit my lip. Grayson wasn’t saying he believed all those things about me. He was trying to be funny. To take my mind off things, to p
rove he was a real friend. But I couldn’t stop my pulse from reacting, speeding up and taking flight in a fit of happiness. I wrote the words slowly, shaking my head the whole time. Grayson waited for me to finish before continuing.

  “You probably smell bad and cheat on all your AP Government tests anyway, so I’ve found myself a better tutor who showers regularly and also happens to be a really good kisser.”

  By now I was laughing so hard I couldn’t write if I tried.

  “Here, I’ll write it if you won’t,” he responded, capturing the notebook from me despite my best attempts to hold on to it. “He needs to know I kissed you first.” He scribbled the words on the page, his handwriting a mess from the way I pulled on his arm.

  “You sure think a lot of yourself, don’t you?” I said, tugging on the page. Grayson didn’t let go, and held it away from me so I had to practically drape myself over his lap to even reach it.

  “Watch it,” Grayson said, laughing with me. “Remember, I still know where you’re ticklish.”

  That was all the warning he gave me. My side was unguarded as I reached across him, and Grayson took the opportunity to lightly squeeze my waist. I yipped and backed off, but not before several adults walking in the area turned to stare. My face heated up and I scooted to the far other side of the bench, keeping a good two feet between us. Grayson was laughing hard, hardly caring at all what everyone around us thought.

  I, on the other hand, hid my face behind my hands, trying to stop from laughing because I knew this was the kind of place where people would get disproportionately upset over this type of thing. I wasn’t overly successful at curbing my laughter, though, so eventually I dropped my hands.

  That was when I saw Grayson’s mom striding toward us. Grayson must have seen her too, because he stopped laughing and sat up straight.

  “I thought you said she wasn’t here,” I hissed. I’d planned on meeting 15211 and then sneaking away to some dusty corner where Nasha Hawks couldn’t see my insignificance. I wouldn’t have hung out in the main lobby, essentially with a sign above my head that said, Here I am flirting with your son even though I know it can only end badly. Come get me!