by V. T. Do
But her fear of abandonment probably went beyond what was reasonable. And I didn’t know how to help her.
Or whether I should.
If she knew my sins, she wouldn’t welcome my help.
If she knew, she wouldn’t be looking at me like I hung the moon.
My gut clenched as an uncomfortable feeling took hold.
I didn’t think I would ever regret my past decision more than I did back then, but that regret was back, and it was tenfold what I had been feeling before. It was the consequences of my actions staring back at me in the form of a tiny brown-eyed girl who barely reached my shoulders.
My hands closed into a fist by my side and, letting out a sigh, I moved back into my room, even though I knew how pointless it would be.
Sleep evaded me for the rest of the night.
15
Olivia
After the barbeque, Lorenzo hung out at my house more and more often. Max didn’t say anything about it, and he would always smile when I asked him if it was okay for Lorenzo to be here, but I got the distinct feeling that Max didn’t like Lorenzo all that much.
It could have been my imagination, or it could have been that because Max had played my protector for so long, he didn’t think anyone was good enough for me.
Whatever it was, I was just thankful Lorenzo seemed oblivious to it all.
I liked that Lorenzo was able to spend so much time with me, and there were so many things I was learning about relationships just by being in this first one. For starters, I found it to be easier to talk to Lorenzo like I would Lizzie. I didn’t need to feel shy in front of him anymore, mainly because he had his tongue shoved down my throat most days, so shyness was out of the question.
It was like having another friend, but one who you made out with. And after my talk with Max, I made sure to always communicate clearly with Lorenzo so that he wouldn’t confuse what I deemed was okay to do, and what wasn’t.
However, the downside to spending so much time with Lorenzo was that I was quickly finding things out about him that I didn’t like. Like the fact that he had a temper—though he was quick to hide it in front of me. There were times when I didn’t feel comfortable being alone with him. He was cocky and wasn’t used to hearing the word no.
He was also a spoiled brat, completely oblivious to the struggles of others who had less money than him. It was a very off-putting quality, particularly when we went out and he would look down at the people serving us as if they were below him, simply because they worked for living.
He didn’t understand why I was still working at the grocery store. This was a common hot-button topic between us, especially when I had to cut our date short because I had an evening shift.
“I don’t get why you’re still working there,” he said from his seat on the side of the bathtub while I readied myself for work in my bathroom.
“Uh, because books aren’t cheap.”
Of course, I spent my money on more than just books. But I didn’t want to explain my entire list of expenses to Lorenzo.
He rolled his eyes, and I felt a flash of anger running up my spine and near my heart. “Yeah, but you do realize Max brings home close to a seven-figure salary annually, right?”
I didn’t want to know how he knew how much Max made. I only knew how much because I was researching on how to apply for financial aid for college, and I needed my guardian’s income. Obviously, I didn’t qualify for financial aid now that I was living with Max. “Yeah, so?”
“So?” He had the nerve to look incredulous. “If you asked him, he could buy you a whole library of books. Why are you still working at that grocery store? They’re not even a chain. Their products are probably subpar at best.”
Ooh, big words for a future ivy-league student, I thought snidely. Obviously, I didn’t say that out loud.
“Joe & Family Grocers is a very good grocery store. Their products are carefully vetted before they’re put out to sell. And Joe, the owner, is nothing but a nice and generous man. He had donated to his fair share of charities, despite not being a chain.”
“Good for him,” he said sarcastically. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re working there.”
I let out a tired sigh. “Get out, Lorenzo. You’re going to make me late for work. I’ll talk to you later after you get your head out of your ass. Cool?”
“What?” he asked, his eyes widening in disbelief. I met his stare in the mirror, and raised an eyebrow, my expression serious, so that he knew I wasn’t playing around. After a tense minute, he got up, grumbled something under his breath, and left. I leaned forward until my hips touched the sink.
Lorenzo wasn’t all that bad. There were times when he could be sweet and charming. There were reasons I still liked him, but lately, I’d been wondering what I was still doing with him, when he didn’t make me feel the same butterflies I felt when I first had a crush on him.
Was my admiration of him so superficial to begin with? But then I thought of Mason’s blue eyes—blue eyes that had been haunting me in sleep and wakefulness—and I knew I couldn’t break up with Lorenzo just yet.
There was something very dangerous about being single while crushing so hard on Mason. It would make me hope on a hopeless thing.
So, yeah, I was admitting to using Lorenzo on some level, and I should have felt bad about it, but the more time I spent with him, the more I felt bad for myself.
I hated that I was doing everything I said I wouldn’t do when Lorenzo first asked me out on a date. I hated that I was becoming more and more like my mom the longer I stayed with him, but here’s the thing about doing something wrong: It was easy and tempting to just keep on doing it.
I walked downstairs in my work uniform and Max was sitting on the recliner in the living room, reading a book. “Hey, kiddo. Are you going to work?”
“Yeah. Can you drive me? I know I said Lorenzo was going to drive me, but he had to leave, and I already missed the bus.”
“Of course. Let me grab my keys.”
I smiled, grateful Max was home today. I should really stop depending on Lorenzo to drive me to work, although he had been the one to insist, weeks prior. Or perhaps I should think about buying a car? I had enough money saved up to put a down payment on a used one, and Max could help negotiate a deal for me. The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of getting a car of my own.
Before, I was pretty frugal with my money because Mom wasn’t. And it made me feel better that we could have something to fall back on, should we run into an emergency. But I didn’t need to be as cautious with my spending now.
It was a sound plan. I thought about it more on the short drive to work.
By the end of my shift, I had a headache the size of a boulder pressing in on the back of my head. It could have been stress from my fight with Lorenzo, I didn’t know. But when Joe came out and told me to start on my closing duties, I had to stop myself from jumping up and down with joy.
Joe was in his mid-fifties, with salt and pepper hair neatly trimmed close to his scalp, wrinkles, tan leathery skin from his many excursions outdoors, and a world of kindness in his bright green eyes.
Two years ago, he gave me a job and trusted me with many responsibilities around the store when I had only just turned sixteen, with no work experience whatsoever. And he did it simply because my mom was working there. If there was one thing Joe was known for, it was his considerate treatment of his employees.
My mom left him high and dry and short staffed for a few weeks when she left without notice. Yet, he had been nothing but nice to me. The fact that Lorenzo was making fun of his grocery store, of his life’s work, his pride and joy, grated on my nerves more than he would ever know.
I was sweeping the canned goods aisle when Joe came over to me with a strange look on his face. “Hey, Olivia. There’s a boy here to see you.”
“A boy?” Only one boy would come and see me, and I thought for sure he would ignore me for the next two days or so.
“Yeah. Is he your boyfriend?”
“Yeah.”
He made a tsk, tsk noise with his lips. “You’re too young to have a boyfriend.”
I laughed. “Oh, come on. Seventeen is not that young.”
His eyes widened comically. “Not that young? Why, you’re practically a baby! I remember when I first met you. You were the smallest six-year-old I had ever met in my entire life.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve grown a lot taller since then,” I replied drily.
He exaggerated his frown, and my smiled widened a fraction. “Not by much.”
Joe patted my head, and with a playful wink he walked away, a slight limp to his gait. I stared at his retreating back. His bad hip must be acting up again.
So focused on my boss, I completely missed the fact that someone was standing right beside me, until a large shadow fell over me.
I moved back in surprise, and looked up to meet devastating blue eyes, crinkling a little in the corners from amusement. “Mason? What are you doing here?”
“Sorry. I called your name, but you didn’t answer. You daydream a lot, don’t you?”
I bit my lip. “Maybe.”
He chuckled. “Well, I’m here to pick you up. Max is holed up at home because something came up at work and he couldn’t come and get you.”
Oh, he was the boy Joe was referring to. Old age must be affecting Joe’s eyesight, because Mason wasn’t a boy. He was all man. “You didn’t have to come all the over here to pick me up. I could have taken the bus home.”
“Not at this hour. Are you almost finished here?” He pointed to the broomstick I was still holding.
“Oh, yeah. I just need to clock out. Give me a few minutes?”
“Of course. Take your time.” I smiled and walked to the backroom, feeling his gaze on me. My walk turned awkward, and I hated how my limbs felt just knowing Mason was looking at me.
“Can I leave, Joe?” I asked, when I found him talking to Sandy, another employee.
“Of, course, sweetie. You don’t need a ride home, do you?”
I shook my head, smiling. Joe sometimes drove me home, but that hadn’t happened since I came to live with Max. “I’m good. Mason’s taking me home.”
“Oh, is he your boyfriend?”
Ha. I wished. “No, Mason is Max’s brother.”
“Oh, you mean that unbelievably sexy man out there?” Sandy asked. Joe frowned at her, and she blushed a little. “Sorry. It’s just, I saw him out there asking for you, and I almost fainted when he looked at me.”
I bit my lip to keep from smiling. Mason was that and so much more. “Yeah.”
“Lucky, lucky girl. Obviously, incredible good looks run in that family. I have never met two brothers that beautiful.”
“Hey, let’s not talk about Olivia and hot men,” Joe said, his frown intensifying.
I almost choked on my own spit when I heard the words “hot men” coming out of Joe’s mouth. Thankfully, I controlled myself. Sandy wasn’t so lucky. I walked out the door with her laughter and Joe’s admonishment behind me.
I was still grinning when I met Mason at the front of the small store. “All good?” he asked, his hand splayed at the small of my back. I nearly hyperventilated from such an innocent touch.
“Y-yeah. All good.”
Outside, Chicago’s summer let itself be known with the high, humid temperature clinging to us like a second skin, despite it being close to ten o’clock at night. Mason stopped me from going any further when he turned to me. “Give me your phone, Livie.”
I handed it to him without question. “Why do you need it?”
“I’m going to put my phone number in it. Any time Max can’t pick you up from work, you call me, okay? I don’t like the idea of you taking the bus at this time of night.”
I rolled my eyes, though my heart was beating frantically in my chest at the prospect of having Mason’s number saved in my phone. “You sound just like Max.”
“Yeah, well, we’re both trying to look out for you.” He handed me back my phone, and I fought against the compulsion to hug it to my chest. “Come on. Let’s get you home. I know you’re tired from a long day at work.”
Just as we turned the corner of the parking lot to Mason’s car, I caught sight of a silver Mazda lurking nearby. Lorenzo.
He was here. What was he doing here, in the parking lot, not coming into the store to see me? Should I wave him over? But that would mean Mason had come all the way over here to pick me up for nothing. Because if I acknowledge Lorenzo, then he would likely be the one to drive me home. That was how it should be. But I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity of having Mason all to myself for the next twenty minutes.
I knew nothing could come of this, yet I wanted to spend time with him more than I did Lorenzo. And not for the first time, I wondered what the hell I was doing with Lorenzo in the first place, and if I was on my way to being just like my mom.
I pretended to not see the Mazda.
I was a terrible, terrible girlfriend.
We stopped for ice cream on the way and ate slowly in the parking lot of the Dairy Queen.
I was glad Mason agreed to my suggestion for a late-night dessert run, because I didn’t want our time to end so quickly, but I also didn’t want to seem so overly eager to hang out with him.
I ate my brownie and ice cream, savoring the taste and pretending that I wasn’t distracted as hell by the way Mason was eating his. Who knew watching someone eat something as simple as ice cream could be so… hot?
I squirmed in my seat as a foreign feeling in the depth of my belly took hold.
“How are you feeling?” Mason asked, turning to me. The streetlamp provided just enough light for me to make out his face, his white teeth gleaming in the darkness.
Mason had nice teeth. And he just asked me a question. How long as it been since he asked it? Crap.
I cleared my throat. “I’m doing good.”
“Do you still have any late-night visits?” And I knew he was asking if I still go to Max’s room at night.
I looked down at the ice cream bowl on my lap, feeling ashamed. I wished I could tell him that after my talk with him, I no longer felt the urge to check and make sure Max was still at home, but that wasn’t the case. But it wasn’t every night, so that was an improvement.
When I took too long to answer, Mason placed his nearly empty bowl on the dashboard before reaching for me. I held my breath, thinking he wanted to hug me, but all he did was tuck my hair behind my ear so that he could see my face. “Hey, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Look at me, Livie.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. Mason cupped my jaw and gently tilted my head up until I met his eyes. I didn’t realize I was crying until he frowned and wiped away the tears with his thumb. God, this was so embarrassing.
“We all have our own little ways to cope. Who am I to tell you what you’re doing is wrong?”
I frowned. “I doubt you ever have to cope with anything.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you’re so put together.”
“Who’s to say I’m not mess-up.”
I shook my head. “No way. I mean, look at you.” He radiated light from his every pore. He was calm and collected, charming and sincere, and there was just something about him that made me want to let him carry my burdens for me. Surely he could carry them without breaking a sweat with those strong, broad shoulders of his.
“Yes, look at me. I’ve sent more people to prison than I've saved. I’ve torn families apart without a hint of remorse, justifying my actions with the law. I have nightmares from a past I can’t escape, despite it happening over a decade ago. And there are times when I couldn’t even be near my brother because of the guilt pressing down on me.”
I looked at him in surprise. Feeling guilt would mean he did something to Max. What did he do? “I’m sure Max forgives you for whatever it was that you did.”
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br /> “Oh, he didn’t just forgive me. He was never mad in the first place.”
I moved my hand to his shoulder, because he looked like he could use a comforting touch. He looked down at my hand, and I debated whether or not I should remove it. Was it even appropriate to touch him like this? But before I could remove it, Mason covered my hand with his own, and I had never felt as small and fragile as I did then, when I looked at how his large, warm hand covered mine whole.
“I’m sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, you should know I’ve been told on several occasion that I’m a good listener.”
Mason’s lips curled upward in a small smile. “I believe it. But this isn’t why I told you all of these things tonight. I just want to let you know, it’s okay to feel a little lost, and there’s no shame in what you’re doing to cope with your fear of abandonment. No one is getting hurt over the way you’re coping. I may not know exactly what you’re going through, but I do know what’s it like to feel so… heavy.” Heavy was one way to describe it, I supposed.
“And if you ever feel like you want to do something different, you can always call me. I don’t care what time it is. We can talk about it until you don’t feel like checking up on Max.”
“Thanks, Mason.” I leaned over and did something daring. I kissed his cheek. And he didn’t move away. Electricity sparked where my lips touched his skin, and I wondered if he felt it. I moved back and couldn’t quite meet his eyes.
There were moments of silence after, and I wished I was able to read minds then, just to listen in on Mason’s thoughts. When I finished my dessert, Mason got out of his car and threw the garbage in a trash bin nearby before we took off for home in silence.
16
Olivia
I went to sleep that night with Mason’s words ringing in my ears. I was mostly curious about what Mason had done to Max that he still felt guilty about. They were obviously still very close to each other.
