by V. T. Do
I wondered if he was going to bed soon. Then, finally, he turned off the light, bathing the room in darkness, saved for a sliver of light coming in from the window, through the small crack in the curtain.
I could see enough of him moving about in the room. Then he climbed into bed with me, under the covers. He was close enough that I felt his body heat, but far enough away that we weren’t touching.
“Was it because of the makeup? Did I push you too hard?” He sounded regretful.
I shook my head, but I wasn’t sure if he could see me or not. “No, it’s not that… Or maybe it was that. But it’s not your fault. You didn’t push too hard, and I was having a good time when we did it.”
“Then what is this about?”
“I guess me being in my room alone just brought everything to the surface. I haven’t felt his touch on my body in a long time, yet tonight, it felt like he was right there again, grabbing onto me, and no matter what I did, he wouldn’t let go.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wish I could tell you that this feeling will be gone soon and you would never have to feel like this ever again, but that would be a lie.”
“Do you… do you still think about it?”
He hesitated, before answering, “I try not to. Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes not.”
“Oh.”
I felt him move onto his side so he was facing me. And even though it was dark, I didn’t want to face him. I felt too exposed. So I turned away, with my back to him.
“Will you hold me?” I asked.
He didn’t say anything for a moment or two. He didn’t even move, and I thought he wasn’t breathing. But then, on a small inhale, he slowly wrapped his arms around my middle and pulled me in closer to him. Our legs tangled, and I was very aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and pink panties.
I wiggled a little closer to him, trying to get comfortable.
Mason grabbed my hips to still me. “You’re killing me, Olivia.”
“Oh, sorry. Did I hurt you?” I didn’t think I was moving too much, but I could have accidentally hit him and not know it.
He let out a choked laughed. “Why don’t we just go to sleep? You’re safe here with me, I promise.”
“I know,” I said on a yawn. And I did know that. There was just something about Mason…
He made me feel as safe as only Max ever did, but there was something more about him. Something I couldn’t get enough of. It was addicting.
He was addicting. I moved in a little closer to him, trying to eliminate even the smallest amount of space between our bodies, and fell into one of the best sleeps of my night.
31
Olivia
When I woke up in the morning, I was no longer facing away from Mason. I was lying on top of him.
How did I get into this position?
His arms were still wrapped around me, and he was in a deep sleep. I looked up and watched him. He looked younger than he was, and I realized Mason spent most of his waking hours wearing a mask around other people. I had never seen him look so unguarded before.
I reached up and traced his jawline, which had fascinated me since day one. I smiled to myself. If I was being honest, everything about Mason fascinated me. I was fascinated with how much bigger he was than me, how hard he was where I was soft. How much… hairier he was than me. I could even see a few chest hairs coming out at the neckline of his shirt.
He made me feel feminine and fragile. Tiny. Something I was beginning to see as not such a bad thing.
His eyes twitched and I quickly moved my hand away. Then he woke, and I watched, riveted, as awareness begin to slowly seep into his blue irises, which were dimmer than normal. He was still no less beautiful.
“Morning,” he said, his voice hoarse from sleep.
“Good morning,” I said shyly, looking down to his chest. He tightened his arms around me a fraction, and my eyes jumped up to meet his. His smile was soft, and it helped ease away whatever awkwardness I was feeling then.
“I should probably go,” I said. It was still early yet, but Max was an early riser by nature, and it wouldn’t be long until he was up and ready for day.
Mason nodded. I wiggled a little on top of him, and when my thigh made contact with something hard, I let out a small gasp of surprise, and I pulled away quickly. Mason sucked in a sharp breath.
I wasn’t naïve. I knew what it was I had brushed up on. Unfortunately, the only hard-on I had ever come in contact with was Lorenzo’s, and I was trying to do everything in my power to forget about him.
“Sorry,” I said.
He nodded but didn’t say anything. I avoided his eyes when I moved out of the bed, and sneaked back to my room, still reliving my time with him last night. We didn’t do anything more than sleep, yet the whole thing felt scandalous.
I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to be with him every day and every night and, it could just be my imagination, but I swear Mason felt the same way, too.
I was excited when October finally rolled around.
It was my favorite month of the year. It was autumn and Halloween and happiness. When I was little, Max would take me trick-or-treating, and when I got older, Lizzie and I would do a scary-movie marathon at either her house or mine. I was happy to be meeting her for coffee before school this morning.
I didn’t let the fact that I dreamt of Lorenzo the night before get to me. I didn’t want it to. It had been a while since I dreamt of him. So, I pretended that dream never happened, snuggled in closer to Mason’s sleeping body, and pretended it was enough.
I had been sleeping with Mason every night for the past three weeks.
His apartment was taking longer to fix then we had thought. As it turned out, his apartment wasn’t the only one in the building with busted pipes.
Now, two whole floors were inhabitable, and the landlord and his team were doing everything they could to make sure no other rooms and floors would be affected.
The apartment building was one of the older buildings in downtown Chicago and had been purchased by Mason’s landlord only five years previous. When the landlord hired a contracting company to come in and renovate it, he gave them a ridiculous timeline to get the job done. By trying to hit the deadline, they cut a lot of corners. Mason said the pipes bursting and damaging his floor and the floor above him were the results of that. Now, there was a big lawsuit coming, on top of disgruntle tenants. There was a possibility that everyone in the entire building would have to evacuate and find some other living arrangements.
So, Mason was staying with us indefinitely, and I was ecstatic.
The truth was that I slept better with Mason’s arms wrapped around me than I did by myself. We didn’t talk about it. It was an unspoken rule between us that Mason left his room unlocked so I could get in at night. There I would sleep in his arms, and he would protect me from the demons running rampant in my head during the daytime. He’d set me free at night.
We’d wake up early, and I would move back to my room.
We also didn’t talk about Max. There was no way in hell he would ever approve of me spending the night with Mason, even if all we were doing was sleeping. Not that I didn’t want to do more, because I did, but I didn’t know how Mason would react if I kissed him again.
When I found Lizzie in our favorite coffee shop at school that first Monday in October, she wasn’t doing anything. Just sat there, coffee cup in hand, and so lost in thought, she didn’t even see me coming.
I tapped her shoulder and she startled back.
I frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Me? Yeah. Sorry, you just surprised me is all.”
“Are you sure? You’ve been really quiet lately. Is there something you want to talk about?”
She shot me a look “Me? You’ve been just as quiet as me. Is there something you want to talk to me about?”
I’d been quiet because I didn’t know how to tell Lizzie that I had been spending my nights with Mason. But Lizzi
e was different. She seemed sad this past week, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Her and Sam were still going strong. He still worshiped the ground she walked on, and she was still in love with Max. Nothing had changed, but Lizzie felt different to me somehow.
I shook my head. “There’s nothing new to report about me. What about you? Are you sure you’re okay? You just seem a little down lately.”
I was surprised when bottom lip started trembling slightly, and her eyes watering.
“Lizzie?”
She blinked furiously and looked away. “I’m fine. I promise.”
“Of course, you’re fine. Whatever it is that’s got you so down, we’ll get through it together. And I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me.”
She shot me a watery smile. “Thanks, Olivia.”
I pulled her into a tight hug, noting how much weight she’d lost. Lizzie had always been thin. But it had more to do with the way her body was built than her eating habits. This was something else entirely. She felt so fragile in my arms that I didn’t want to let her go. I was afraid she might disappear before my very eyes.
Lizzie pulled out her phone to check the time. We only had ten minutes before class started. She shot me small smile she obviously didn’t mean and walked away.
I hated the sadness I saw in her eyes. Lizzie was definitely dealing with something. Something big, otherwise she would have told me already. I could try and guess what was going on with her, but anything I came up with might be worse than it actually was, and I didn’t want to freak myself out.
I should probably get to class, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to ditch. But where would I go?
I shook my head. Some days it was harder to find the motivation to continue on with my daily routine than others.
I ended up doing what I usually did. I went on about my day and pretended my shoulders weren’t weighed down by everything.
The day ended up being shit.
I walked around campus in daze, going through the motion without really being present. If any of my professors were to give me a test on what was taught today, I would fail, no doubt about it.
I missed the point of the assignment that was assigned to us in biochemistry, and when Dr Martin called on me, the only thing I could do was stare at him, my face burning in embarrassment.
To top off an already shitty day, I spilled coffee on myself, staining my white sweater. It was currently soaking in the washer, though I doubted I would be able to get the stain out, considering it had been setting a few hours before I could get home to soak it.
I thought about why I had been feeling off all day. My dream about Lorenzo certainly didn’t help. I dreamt about all that went down in my house that Sunday afternoon, only this time, I couldn’t fight back. It was one of those dreams in which I had absolutely no control over my limbs, and no matter how much I wanted to move, all I could do was lay there, helpless, while he had his way with me.
Lizzie’s mood didn’t help at one bit. I still didn’t know what was bothering her.
I didn’t have the energy to pry.
I just didn’t want to be broken anymore.
I wanted to be back to normal. I wanted to worry about nothing more but what to wear to impress Mason, not how to make sure Lorenzo no longer haunted my every waking thought.
I just wanted to get better.
It was just a little after five-thirty when I heard the garage door opening.
Max walked through the door first. He smiled when he saw me, but I could barely muster a small one for him. He walked over to me and tugged on my hair playfully. Instead of feeling happy that he was home, I felt annoyance, and I was sure that annoyance showed on my face.
Max pulled back, a small frown marring his all-too-perfect face. I was even annoyed at the fact that he looked put together. Which was ridiculous, I knew it.
“Something wrong, kiddo?”
I shook my head and looked away. I didn’t think I could speak in a way that would convince him otherwise.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “I ordered us some takeout on the way home. It should be here in about fifteen minutes.”
I looked up, nodded, then looked away again.
I felt like crying. And I hated how emotional I was getting.
Max patted my shoulder. “I’m going to get out of these work clothes. Why don’t you stay here and wait for the food to come?”
I let out a small “Okay,” then went back to staring at my hands on my lap. Max hesitated for a moment or two, then quietly made his way upstairs. My lips trembled as I looked outside. The sun had set long ago. The further away from summer we moved, the quicker the days ended, and something about that depressed the hell out of me.
It was like I no longer had the energy to do anything as soon as the sun disappeared from the sky.
Was this the part of the seven stages of grief?
I was mostly in shock for the majority of summer. I didn’t go through any of the grief at the loss of my innocence. I couldn’t even remember all the stages, but I knew there was anger, bargaining, depression… and that was all. I didn’t bargain. I knew what happened to me. I knew there was no way to undo it, though, given the chance to redo everything, I would have rejected Lorenzo from the very beginning and not give in just because he did something nice for me.
As for anger, I had my moments, but those never lasted. They happened in bursts and dissipated just as quickly as they had come.
Was I now entering into depression?
Was that the explanation for my dark mood?
Dinner was a quiet affair.
Mason and Max held the conversation for most of it, as I sat quietly, trying to make sense of my emotions.
Aside from asking me how my day was, they left me alone with my thoughts, and I was pretty grateful for it. I finished my meal quickly, and excused myself, ignoring the looks of concern shared between the two of them. I made my way upstairs and into my room, where I got ready for bed, despite the early hour.
I just wanted to crawl into bed and not get up for a long time.
Yet I quickly realized I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned for hours and was still wide awake by the time midnight came around.
I was debating on whether or not I should go see Mason, like I had done the night before, and the night before that. But I wasn’t sure if he wanted me there, especially with the way I acted at dinner.
Truth be told, I was a little embarrassed now that I looked back on it. I didn’t have a good enough reason for my bad mood. Only that it was there.
I knew Max had retired for the night, though. I heard him coming near my room at around ten-thirty. I held my breath while he stood outside, and exhaled softly when he walked away, back to his room. He closed his door with a soft click.
I let out a frustrated groan. I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight; I was sure of it. I laid on my back and stared up at the ceiling, like I had done so many nights ago when I called Mason.
I stilled when I heard a noise outside. Was Max coming in to check up on me again? Was he thinking that I would sneak out in the middle of the night?
But then my door softly opened, and a large figure stood there, taking me in. And I knew right away that it wasn’t Max.
We stared at each other in the dark for a long time before he closed my door and walked further into my room.
I moved over to make room for him on my bed, and Mason climbed in. He hesitated for a long second before he wrapped his arms around my middle and pulled me in closer to him. I sagged against him.
I hadn’t realized how tense I was until he held me.
“I didn’t think you wanted to see me tonight,” I whispered against his neck.
He tightened his arms around me a little more, keeping me grounded. “I was waiting for you,” he said, just as softly. “Then I got tired of waiting. Are you okay, sweetheart?”
I let out a deep sigh. “With what?”
“With everything. With how you’re feeling ri
ght now. I know it takes time before those emotions catch up to you.”
I shrugged, because I didn’t what to say to that.
He let out a small sigh, his breath moving my hair a little. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. But when you do, I’m right here. Okay?”
I moved my arms around his middle, loving the way his muscles tensed beneath my touch. Loving how solid he felt.
He kissed the top of my head, and I moved in closer to him, seeking out his warmth. “You’re going to be okay,” he whispered.
I nodded.
I was going to be okay. I had to be. I wasn’t going to let this one small thing set me back entirely. I needed to get better. And perhaps it was today’s event, or even the fact that he came to me, but I was feeling especially brave then.
“Can you kiss me, Mason?” I asked.
“Olivia.” His voice was barely audible. He traced my lips with his finger, and I closed my eyes, savoring his touch. “It’s not a good idea.”
I grabbed his hand to keep it on my face when I felt him pull away. I turned to it and kissed the inside of his palm. He sucked in a sharp breath. “How could you think a kiss is a bad idea when I feel like this with you?”
When he didn’t say anything, I brought his hand down to my chest. “Can you feel that?” I asked.
“Your heart?”
I nodded.
“It’s beating so fast,” he said.
“That’s for you. My heart has been beating like that since the moment I met you. How could this be a bad idea?” I asked again.
And I could feel his resolve thinning, so I leaned forward and kissed his chest, his neck… his jawline. Anywhere I could reach, really. And Mason didn’t push me away.
His hand stayed on my chest, and I was sure he could feel my nipples hardening. There was no way to disguise that, not with the thin camisole I was wearing.
“Kiss me, Mason.”
I couldn’t be the one to make the first move. I just couldn’t. I thought it might kill me if I ended up being the one to initiate everything. I needed him to take over. To take control. To tell me how to feel, how to breathe, and how to move.
