by C. R. Jane
A few hours later we’re in Virginia and I see for the first time the machine that is the Sounds of Us. As soon as the bus parks, workers swarm from the other vans and from within the venue to start setting up for the show tonight. It’s a smaller venue than the last stadium so there’s not as much involved. This is a college town so the band wants to be able to connect with the audience more even though I’m sure a lot of the students were also at the sold out concerts this weekend.
The boys start to get antsy as we get closer to the show. I stay on the bus for sound check since the security company the guys hired can’t come until later tonight. I don’t blame them for the precaution. I’ve been checking the news and the story about me missing has completely disappeared. It can’t be that easy that one phone call could convince Gentry to let me go when running away a million times didn’t do a thing. Of course, it would be the answer to all of my prayers if it did work, and my divorce proceeded smoothly. But I’ve learned that I just wasn’t that lucky in life.
Jensen stalks onto the bus first after soundcheck. He doesn’t say a word to me, just pushes past into the back bedroom and slams the door. I cleaned the sheets while they were gone, it seemed the least I could do. The other two come back a little later, both amped up and ready for the show to start.
What’s been evident to me from the very beginning is that the fame, the girls, the money...all of that came second to the guys’ love of music. They pour their soul into their performances. It’s almost as if they leave pieces of themselves behind every time they play. I’ve always been desperate to find those pieces.
I’m scratching random lyrics onto a notebook when Jesse plops down beside me. “How did soundcheck go?” I ask, getting a bit breathless when he starts to kiss down my neck.
“I missed you. As soon as that security team gets here, you’re coming to everything. Now that I’ve found you, I don’t want you anywhere but by my side.”
I melt at his words. It helps to calm the insecurity that’s always lying near about the fact that they’re rockstars and I’m a nobody housewife from their hometown.
He puts his chin on my shoulder and reads what I’ve been writing down. “What are you working on?” he asks. I blush and shrug, moving his head off my shoulder with the movement.
“Just jotting down some lyrics,” I tell him softly. Out of the three of them, he’s the only one who has seen me sing. It’s something that connects us, something that will always be special about our relationship.
He pulls the notebook from my hands before I can say anything else. He starts to pour over the pages, getting more and more energized as he goes through them. “These are fucking amazing,” he yells, making Tanner pop his head out of his bunk where he had been “getting in the zone” before the show.
“What’s amazing?” he asks, his eyes pouring over me, a glint in his eye. I nudge Jesse, not ready to share them yet. I’ve never shared them with anyone before, but Jesse doesn’t heed my signal.
“Get over here and look at these lyrics she wrote,” he says. Tanner rolls from his bunk and stalks over to us.
“Lyrics? I didn’t know you were a songwriter, princess,” Tanner says as he plops down next to me, getting so close to me that he’s almost on top of me. He yanks the notebook out of Jesse’s hand and starts to look over it. At first, I can tell that he’s just humoring us, looking because he’s interested in anything to do with me rather than really expecting anything.
As he reads though, I can tell he’s shocked. He flips through the pages, repeating some of the lines out loud, already attaching melodies to some of them. When he gets halfway, he finally looks at me. “I don’t even know what to say, princess. This is some of the best stuff that I’ve ever seen.”
“Really?” I ask.
“You didn’t believe me?” asks Jesse, faking that he’s hurt. I elbow him with a smile. He knows why it means so much for Tanner to like something. As charming as Tanner is, he’s very opinionated about music and has no problem telling anyone when he thinks something sucks. Tanner is incapable of sparing feelings when it comes to music, while Jesse manages to be a sweetheart no matter the situation.
“We need to sing this,” he says, jumping up with my notebook and going to one of the closets where he keeps his favorite guitar. He doesn’t trust the crew with it so he stores it himself wherever he’s at.
He flips to a song I wrote about that first night when I met Tanner’s eyes from the shadows just beyond the campfire. It’s a song that’s all about falling in love at first sight and how there’s no going back. Tanner starts to strum a tune and sing some of the lyrics.
“I think it needs to be a chord lower,” says Jesse, and Tanner immediately tries a lower chord out.
It’s surreal hearing a song I wrote put to music. It makes me feel proud, like I’m actually capable of achieving at least a little of the dream I’ve always had for myself. We work on the song together for a little bit until I hear the back-bedroom door open. Immediately I grab the notebook and stuff it under the couch cushion before Jensen can come to the lounge area.
Tanner looks at me questioningly but doesn’t tell Jensen about my songs when he asks what’s going on.
“Just having a little jam session,” Tanner says casually as I grip his hand tightly.
“Well save your voice for tonight,” Jensen snaps before storming out of the bus. That’s all he seems to do lately around me, storm around in a cloud of anger about my presence.
“He’ll come around, princess, but you should really tell him about this. Why did you never tell us about this? This song had to have been written in high school,” says Tanner, a note of hurt in his voice.
I struggle to put my insecurity into words. “You guys have always been these larger than life figures. It was a bit intimidating to even think of trying to show any of my songs to you. The first time I mentioned that I wanted to be a singer when I got older, Jensen totally looked at me like I was just dreaming, that there was no way that he believed I was capable of that. It just never really seemed like the right time after that.”
I can feel Tanner and Jesse exchanging looks over my head. Jesse clears his throat. “Maybe we needed to grow up a little bit. There were a lot of things that we should have done better back then. Things will be different now though. No more secrets.”
I nod, thinking that I’ve made that promise a lot in my life and this time I really have to keep it. Jesse’s phone buzzes and he looks at the text that had just come in.
“Shit, we have a few interviews before the show starts and they were supposed to start ten minutes ago,” he says, springing up from the couch and grabbing my hand.
I’m still wearing a pair of sweats and a tank top since I haven’t been able to get any clothes yet. “I can’t go with you,” I tell him, thinking I look about as far from rock and roll as possible.
“We’ll send someone to get you clothes for tonight, but since security isn’t here and I don’t want to leave you alone for the rest of the night, you’re coming with us,” says Tanner, pushing me gently towards the door of the bus.
We walk through the backlot to the tunnel that leads to the greenroom and the dressing rooms. An attractive woman in her 40s, in a perfectly fitted black skirt suit comes striding up to us as soon as we get to the greenroom.
“You’re late,” she snaps, scratching something on the clipboard she’s holding. “Thank goodness Jensen arrived on time so that he could start the interviews.” She has a charming British accent that somehow makes her seem even more authoritative and proper. I feel like a little girl in her presence.
“Hello to you too, Miranda,” says Tanner sarcastically as he brushes his hair back. He looks camera ready like always as he strides to the empty chair that’s waiting for him by Jensen and the interviewer.
Miranda ignores Tanner’s sarcasm. It takes a minute, but when Jesse hasn’t let go of my hand and starts to lead me towards where the cameras and the interviewer are set up, she fina
lly seems to notice me.
“Jesse, we don’t have time for your groupie right now,” she says in an annoyed voice while she casts me a disdainful look that says she sees my sweatpants, and she’s not impressed. “I was told by the label I could expect a little bit more professionalism from all of you after the last incident.”
“I would suggest you not use that word to describe her ever again,” says Jesse, and even though he says it in a charming tone, I can see that aura of anger in his eyes and so does Miranda. This makes her take a second look at me.
“What should I call this charming urchin then,” she says, gesturing to my clothes.
“Her name is Ariana, and she happens to be the love of our lives. We expect her to be treated as such,” he snaps, finally letting some of the anger seep into his voice.
Her eyes widen at his remark, as do mine. I was expecting to be introduced to people, but I wasn’t expecting that introduction. I love it.
“I’m not sure that she can be classified as the love of all of your lives since I know that Tanner was caught with three girls backstage just two weekends ago,” she retorts. And I know what she’s thinking. Artists are known to be passionate. There’re books filled with all of the short-lived flings that rockstars have had in the past. I think back to the look in Tanner’s eyes when we made love, and the emotion in Jesse’s voice when he told me that he loved me. We’re different. I know we are.
“I don’t think you’re being paid to give us opinions on our love lives, Miranda,” comes the unexpected voice of Jensen. He isn’t looking at me, but I’m staring at him shocked that he’s standing up for me. “It’s your turn, Jesse. I’ll stay with Ari,” he says. Jesse squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring wink before heading to where the interviewer is now talking to Tanner.
“If she’s going to be around, she’s going to have to dress better than that,” Miranda says, once she’s gotten over the shock of Jensen putting his arm around me. I’m still in shock at his move and I’m trying not to move just in case I scare him away.
“Be a good manager and go tell our stylist we need a bunch of clothes fit for a rockstar’s girlfriend,” says Jensen.
Miranda turns red but she wisely says nothing more as she stalks away, yelling at staff as she passes them by. It’s a great start to my relationship with the band’s freaking manager, and I’m sure she’s going to be fun to deal with in the future.
Jensen drops his arm as soon as she’s gone from the room, and I immediately miss the feel of it.
“Go get something to eat,” he says in an exasperated voice as he once again stalks away from me to what I’m guessing is his dressing room and slams the door behind him. Somehow the moment feels like progress even if it ended the same as all of our other encounters.
An hour before the show starts an assistant arrives with some clothes and the news that I will have a whole new wardrobe arriving over the next few days. I’m not sure what game Miranda is playing when I pull out the clothes for tonight. There’s a light pink dress and a pearl necklace in the bag along with a pair of black wedges. It looks suspiciously like something that I would have worn with Gentry, and I wonder how Miranda would have known that already.
I reluctantly pull on the dress and wedges since I can’t exactly wear oversized sweatpants for the rest of the night. But I draw the line at the pearls. Not wearing pearls ever again is a vow that I’m not going to go back on.
I get appreciative looks from Tanner and Jesse when I get to the greenroom and glares from everyone else. Apparently, there’s another meet and greet at tonight’s show and a bunch of gorgeous co-eds have dressed to impress the guys tonight. Many of them look the part of a rockstar’s girlfriend and I want to go hide in the dressing room until the event is over. I turn to leave but Jesse grabs my hand simultaneously to him signing an autograph for a swooning blonde.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he says out of the side of his mouth as he smiles charmingly at the next fan in line. “What better way to control the groupies than to have our girlfriend by our side,” he continues, greeting another fan who looks like she’s about to faint from shock at actually meeting her idols.
We get past the first few sweet fans and then the groupies start to arrive. They don’t care that Jesse has one arm around me. They don’t care that I’m standing there. Their sights are set on one thing. Getting in my men’s pants. They whisper things in the guys’ ears, and they ask them to sign various body parts, which the guys politely refuse. The looks on the crew’s faces watching the guys interact with fans make clear that this is a new development for them. It makes my stomach curdle to think about any of these girls touching what I feel so strongly is mine.
I see several pairs of boobs, and I’m shocked at the girls’ desperation. The insecure part of me worries that the guys will miss the easy buffet that’s available to worship them every night. I’m only one girl, and not a superhuman girl at that with infinite stamina. Can you really go from three-ways to waiting your turn for a girl?
Just as soon as the thoughts pass through my head, I work to push them out. There’s no room for insecurity when you’re dating rockstars. These girls are beautiful, but they're a dime a dozen. The four of us share a past that can’t be replicated. I know these men, and they know me in a way that no one else does. They are mine.
With that mindset I move to the other side of Jesse. I kiss Tanner’s cheek and I wrap my arm around Jesse’s waist, laying my head on his shoulder. It’s possessive and I can tell that it surprises both of them. I can also tell that they like it.
Jensen joins us after a little while. He refuses to look at me, but he manages to turn on some semblance of charm for his adoring fans. A half hour in I can feel Tanner and Jesse stiffen beside me. I look up to see a beautiful redhead approaching Jensen. She’s more than beautiful really, she looks like a supermodel. The smile on her face is genuine, not meant to entice but instead signifying that she knows Jensen, and she knows him well.
I can’t go over and just try and claim Jensen. We’re not anywhere close to that, but I feel physically ill when she comes up to him and throws her arms around him, pressing her ample chest against him. She tries to kiss his lips, and he turns at the last second, leaving a trail of red lipstick behind on his cheek. It feels like she marked him. It feels dangerous to everything I’m trying to work through with him.
I see him look at me out of the corner of his eye, and then he slides off his stool, whispering something in her ear and gesturing for her to follow him. He leads her to a quiet corner that is shielded from most of the room, except it’s not shielded from me.
“Who is that girl?” I ask in a somewhat strangled voice. I’m gripping Jesse’s hand too tight as I ask the question.
“Cassidy,” Tanner says reluctantly, shooting Jesse a look. “An old friend?” I try to joke even as I can’t take my eyes from Jensen.
He’s explaining something to the girl and she’s beginning to get upset. Her eyes are filling up with tears and she tries to lean in to kiss him again, but he again evades her reach.
“You can’t be serious,” she says to him desolately, her voice rising in volume the more upset she gets.
“She’s been a steady fling for Jensen,” says Tanner. “At one point I thought that she would be more, but Jensen never let it get to the next level. She’s a good girl.”
I know he’s not trying to be cruel, but his words hit me hard. It’s hard enough to push past the fact that they’ve all probably slept with hundreds of girls...maybe thousands in Tanner’s case...if that’s even possible. But to think of them actually having feelings for another girl, when I’ve loved only them since I’ve met them. It’s heart-wrenching. It sucks.
I turn my head when she flings herself at him again, burying her head into his chest as she softly sobs. He catches my eye while he strokes her hair and I know he can see everything I’m feeling. I see yearning and anguish and that bottomless darkness in his eyes, and something in my chest
feels like it’s melting. Is the yearning for her? Is he sad because this is goodbye, because he doesn’t think I’m worth it? What if I’m not worth it?
I turn my attention back to Jesse and Tanner who are still signing autographs and greeting VIPs. “I’m going to grab something to eat,” I tell Jesse warily, and this time he doesn’t object. He kisses me, not caring at all about the jealous looks or the sighs from his fans. It’s a kiss just for me. “Meet me in my dressing room after you eat?” he asks.
It seems like an innocent question, but there’s a fire in his eyes that makes me know that it’s far from that. “You can count on it,” I whisper as I walk away aware of Jesse and Tanner’s eyes on my ass as I do so.
Like the two concerts before this, there’s a spread of food laid out that happens to feature all of the guy’s favorites food. But this time I notice that there’s a sprinkling of my favorite foods: Fried pickles, teriyaki chicken and rice...brownies with pecans. I almost cry as I look at the food because I know somehow, they had those brought in for me. Even after all these years they haven’t forgotten what I like. And I know it’s not some random thing because I happen to know that each of the guys hates one of those foods. Hates them to the point where they were probably on their riders that they couldn’t be within a hundred feet of them. This is just for me, and it’s just another way that shows me we’re in this deep.
I fill my plate and am about to sneak into Jesse’s dressing room when a resounding slap sounds across my face. I drop my food in shock, my face stinging from the slap. It takes me a second to realize that Cassidy is standing in front of me.
“You bitch,” she whispers. Large tears stream down her face and her mascara is everywhere from her tears. “He almost loved me.” I don’t have the heart to strike her back or even yell at her. I know how she feels. Losing them, any of them is unbearable. She very well might spend the rest of her life loving Jensen Reid. I know that I will.
