by C. R. Jane
There’s a moment when our eyes connect that I can almost feel the weight of her desperation and the misery she’s experiencing. It’s suffocating.
And then the moment is over when she’s ripped away from me by an irate Jensen who pushes her to where two security guards are waiting to escort her out. He doesn’t watch her leave and I suddenly feel much better about beautiful Cassidy and her role in Jensen’s life.
“Are you okay?” he asks in a gruff, concerned voice as he reaches out to touch the cheek she slapped.
“I’ve had much worse,” I try to joke, but it’s the wrong thing to say as a haze of anger and guilt passes over Jensen’s face. He pulls his hand back before it can touch my skin.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out as he walks away once again. I go to pick up my dropped food and I realize that a worker has already swooped in to clean it up. I look at the food still on the table, but I can’t muster up enough of an appetite to refill a plate. Instead I just walk into Jesse’s dressing room knowing exactly what I need.
Jesse’s on me the second that the door closes, obviously not realizing what has just happened out there since he somehow managed to slip inside before me. I sigh involuntarily as his lips brush across my neck, my eyes closing. Each kiss is like lighting a match to my skin. His lips move down to my neck before my head falls back. His lips truly feel like a drug, pulling me under in a haze. He moves up the column of my throat, his hands cradling my head. When his lips meet mine once again, he kisses me softly, slowly. Then pulling away just so our lips barely touch he whispers. “Ari, I am completely, madly in love with you.”
I feel my legs go a little weak at his pronouncement and I wrap my arms around him in an effort to be closer and to steady myself.
“I,” he says before brushing my lips with his. “Love,” he adds, brushing yet another kiss to my lips. “You.” He pushes his lips to mine fully. I know I’m trembling. I’ll never get tired of hearing those words from him. I’ll never take them for granted. I swallow; my tongue feels as if it weighs a hundred pounds. I exhale out a breath. His words fill up some of the empty space inside of me that may take a lifetime to fill. I want to laugh, with relief, with gratitude. Instead my hands move to hold his face. “I love you, Jesse.” The words aren’t as hard to say as I’d expect now that I’ve said them a few times. The laugh I’ve been suppressing bubbles up and releases itself from my lips. I feel his smile stretch his cheeks beneath my hands and we both laugh a little before Jesse picks me up and spins me around in a quick turn.
“I know,” he says as he smacks another kiss to my lips before walking and putting me on the counter by the large makeup mirror in his room. My shirts about to come off when there’s a banging on the door followed by an accent that I’m beginning to detest.
“I expect you out here in one minute,” she orders as she tries to open the door. Jesse moans and lays his head on my shoulder.
“You should have come five minutes earlier,” he moans, still slightly out of breath from what had been starting to happen.
“Five minutes is all you needed, huh?” I tease him, kissing his cheek. “I’ll have to remember that.”
He glares at me before kissing me so fiercely that I lose my breath briefly. “Let’s go, pretty girl. The others might want a good luck kiss as well.”
A girl can only hope.
6
Then
We’re dancing. Jensen and me. It’s prom and the only thought I have in my head is how alone I’m going to be next year. The boys don’t usually go to prom, but they wanted to give tonight to me since Jesse had caught me looking at prom dresses online a few weeks ago.
He sings in my ear as I dance in the white dress I found at the second hand store that perfectly shows off my golden skin.
“You can be every little thing you want nobody to know…you can call it love if you want.”
It’s one of my favorite songs and he knows it. I’ve been obsessed with it ever since the band covered it in a concert a few weeks ago. That’s what a perfect relationship would be for me, that I could be anything, even all the things that you normally would hide from the world. With the perfect love all the ugly dirty parts of you would be treasured just as much as all the rest of you. And I have so many ugly, dirty parts about me.
The thing about Jensen, about all of them really, is that they also have ugly dirty parts underneath their beautiful exteriors, and it gives me hope that maybe someday I could find the type of love sung about in this song with them.
“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?” Jensen says, and I can’t help but blush because Jensen doesn’t give out compliments freely. He’s careful with his words, it’s what makes him an excellent songwriter. There’s almost never a time when he says something not on purpose.
I feel shy all of a sudden.
“Thanks,” I whisper. “You look beautiful as well.” I immediately feel stupid after the statement, even though he does look beautiful. He’s wearing a black suit that’s fitted to perfection with a shiny black shirt underneath that only someone who looks like a model could pull off. His eyes get warm and lazy after my comment, and it’s a look that I want to remember for the rest of my life.
We dance the night away, and there’s not one thing that goes wrong, there’s not one person that’s rude. It’s all just perfect.
We stay until the last song. The DJ fittingly plays “We are Young” by Fun and the whole ballroom at the hotel the school booked for prom is loud as everyone sings. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt connected to my classmates and I love that it’s with Jensen, the person who holds himself away from everyone else at school and always has. We’re both like that. Jesse has his easy charm that reels everyone in, and Tanner has his mysterious playboy persona that makes him a challenge for everyone. But Jensen, Jensen has created the perception that he’s untouchable, that no one besides the three of us can get close to him. Tonight, he’s someone who smiles quickly and often, someone who actually says hi to the nerd that sits in the back of one of our classes.
I can’t help but think that this is who Jensen was before his parents tried to destroy him. I want to make it my mission to bring him to life like this permanently. I want to make him happy forever.
(Ari)
The band had released a song called “Girl in the White Dress,” on their second album. On its face it had seemed like a light, joyful song about teenage love and the girl of your dreams. But a closer look at the lyrics, written by Jensen I might add, told a different story. There’s one part of the song that talks about all the secrets hiding underneath that innocent dress, that you might think your future lies behind that smile but it’s all just a dream. And I know he was talking about that night, how I looked in that white dress, and what that night had meant to him. What he thought that night had meant to me.
After that phone call five years ago, when I told the guys I wouldn’t be joining them, that I had changed my mind, that I had met someone else, none of the guys tried to communicate with me except for Jensen. He sent me one letter. It was short and to the point, but it included the line from that song he had sung to me that one night when we danced under the sparkling lights. The lyrics he chose were ones that carried all the weight of the wrongness of what I had done. It said, “I thought we believed in an endless love.” And all I could think after reading it was, I thought I had believed in that too.
7
Now
Jesse leads me out of his dressing room, and he doesn’t stop holding my hand until he’s by the other band members who are hovering close to the entrance of the stage. Tanner’s bouncing up and down with nervousness and Jensen’s pouring over the set list. Jesse gestures to the chest that’s been set up just outside of the entrance. It gives a perfect view of the stage. “This is your seat tonight if that works, pretty girl,” he says, gesturing to the chest. “We don’t want you out in the crowd again until security arrives for you. It gets crazy out there.”
I nod, not making a fuss since I love watching them however I can. A face swoops in for a kiss, but it’s not Jesse, it’s Tanner. “Sorry, I needed a good luck kiss,” he says with a wink after pulling back from our kiss. I look over at Jensen who is pointedly ignoring us. He was always the one who needed a good luck kiss before every performance. I wonder who he’s been getting his good luck kisses from lately.
The crowd starts to cheer as the lights dim, signaling that the band needs to go on. “Don’t go anywhere, or I’ll come find you,” says Jesse, a thread of seriousness in his voice. I just nod. I don’t plan on going anywhere. I watch as they begin to walk out. Jesse and Tanner walk out first, and the crowd begins to scream even louder. Suddenly Jensen appears in front of me, a determined look on his face. He kisses me and it’s not just a brush of his lips against mine. It’s a kiss that suggests that he needs me to breathe, like I’m his. I’m so shocked, it takes me a second to start to kiss back and by the time I do, Jensen’s already walking away onto the stage. I stand there shocked about what just happened. The crowd roars even louder as the band is completed on stage.
Peeking out from the side of the stage I have a great view of the guys, but a more limited view of the crowd. This is a smaller venue. They’re playing at the college basketball arena rather than the football stadium, but there’s still a lot of people out there. A lot of screaming women as a matter of fact.
A rush of unease passes over me, but it has nothing to do with the women, it has to do with Gentry. There’s no way he knows, I think to myself. I can’t convince myself all the way however since Gentry has always had the eerie ability to find me no matter what the circumstances.
My nervousness slips away when the band begins to play. It’s impossible to concentrate on anything else. I expected Jensen to have chosen another night of playing all the songs that show how angry he is about me, but tonight turns out to be a more normal show. Or at least it starts that way.
“We’ve got a special surprise for you tonight,” Jensen suddenly says to the crowd about halfway through the show, walking to the side of the stage where I’ve been watching the performance. I watch in disbelief as he walks all the way to me and grabs my hand, dragging me out on stage behind him. Tanner and Jesse look furious and shocked, but they make no move to stop him. I’m sure because it would be an even bigger spectacle for them to drag me back off stage.
I flip my hair and try to cover my face as much as possible. It’s unlikely that Gentry is at this show or will even hear about a random girl playing a song with the Sounds of Us, but it feels in this moment as if the whole world is looking at me.
“This is Olivia Monroe everyone, and she’s going to play us a song tonight.” He says the pseudonym with a mean smile and all of a sudden, I’m not nervous anymore. I’m angry. Jensen thinks he can embarrass me. Kill my dream of being a singer once and for all by embarrassing me in front of thousands of people.
“What song are you going to grace us with?” asks Jensen, sounding charming despite the malignant glint in his eyes. I peek over at Jesse whose quick to offer me an encouraging nod and smile. Out of the three of them, he’s the only one who has ever heard me sing. Seems like a bit of a jump to go from one person to a whole arena of people, but what can I do…Jensen is an asshole.
Suddenly the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s Wonderland float through my mind and it seems the perfect song to sing. The lyrics seem to encompass this dark and twisted journey that Jensen and I have found ourselves on. I grab Jensen’s guitar out of his hands, shocking him, and I begin to strum the first chords.
The acoustic version of the song is much different than how it’s usually performed, but I want Jensen to hear me in the words. As I open my mouth and begin to sing, Jensen’s eyes widen in surprise...and then anger.
I sing the words with every part of me until I get to what’s always been the most poignant part of the song. I have to take a deep breath before I can go on and finish:
I reach for you
But you were gone
I knew I had to go back home
You searched the world for something else
To make you feel like what we had
And in the end in wonderland we both went mad...
I can see that the words have struck true in Jensen’s heart as well. Isn’t that what he’s been doing, searching the world for someone who could make him feel like what we had? The countless women, the drinking, the anger. Isn’t that what we had all been doing, just trying to find temporary placeholders to fill the void our separation had left in us? The problem with reuniting, however, was that our pieces didn’t quite fit like they did before… and I didn’t know if they ever would again.
The last chords fade into the night and the crowd goes wild over the unknown phenom Jensen has brought on to the stage...but I can barely hear them. The only thing I see is Jensen’s face. The mixture of emotions; confusion...lust...hate. I can read his emotions clearly because they’re the same emotions that I’m feeling. Waving at the crowd, I hurry off the stage unable to deal with what just happened. I should be worried about if Gentry was out in the crowd tonight, but all I can think about is the terrible look in Jensen’s eyes.
I had lost him. Even with that kiss before the show, whatever had been between us all those years ago was gone. He hated me and he was never going to get over it. I had to leave. I was torturing both of us by sticking around, clinging to a future that would never happen. I had done this to us. I had ruined everything.
Suddenly, someone grabs both of my arms and spins me around. It’s Jensen. I look beyond him, sure that it wasn’t time for the show to end. I can see Jesse and Tanner starting on the next song without him.
“What are you…?” I begin to ask, but my words are cut off as he crashes his lips against mine. It’s not a romantic kiss. It’s an “I hate you” kiss filled with all the bitterness of a love gone astray.
His hands slide down and grab my ass. I can’t help but think what it would be like to hate-fuck this man. He’d hold me down, pin me to a wall, to a bed, to the floor, all of his power humming beneath my fingers and zeroed in on me. It would be so good.
He strides back on the stage leaving me breathless. And the show goes on. Brilliant as always, they stay away from their heavier songs for the rest of the concert as if adding any more emotion to the show would tip it over the edge after my forced performance.
By the time the show’s over I’m on my way to hide in Jesse’s dressing room like the coward that I am. Before I can get there, I begin to get surrounded by roadies and other staff members who are all eager to talk to me about my performance. One good looking guy, Clark, who I find out is the band’s agent, sits down next to me. He’s good looking with his unkempt black hair and warm brown eyes, but he doesn’t hold a candle to my guys.
“You were amazing out there,” he says, ignoring the fact that ten other people are trying to talk to me.
“Thanks,” I say with a blush. “It was a very impromptu performance. I’m sure I would have been better with practice or even a little warning,” I continue, thinking again of the surprise on Jensen’s face after I sang that first note.
“It helps that you’re beautiful too,” he says, placing a hand on my knee. “You could be the whole package.”
I’m just about to respond to what I can’t decide is a compliment or he’s hitting on me, when I’m suddenly yanked off the couch by who I see is an angry Jensen. “Don’t you have phone calls to make or something?” he spits out at Clark who looks alarmed at the large man in front of him who is practically foaming out of his mouth with rage.
Without another word I’m yanked towards Jensen’s dressing room this time.
“You would think you would be smart enough not to flirt with every guy on the planet when we’re the ones who brought you on the tour,” he spits out once we’re inside the room and he’s locked the door.
My eyes fly open in shock. He’s actually jealous. “He was talking to me about my perf
ormance, you asshole,” I snap at him, getting up in his face.
“I should-” he begins, grabbing my shoulders like he can’t decide if he wants to grab me or push me away.
“What? What, Mister Jealous? Or should I say, Master of denial of said jealousy - what should you do?”
He growls at me this time, stopping to look me straight in the eye. “I certainly know what I’d like to do,” he spits.
“Yeah, what’s that?” I bite back.
“Fuck some sense into you. That’s what.”
Holy shit. I’ve never been one to imagine sex in a moment of anger. Never before felt the rage and lust cocktail. But right now, it’s burning through me like moonshine in my veins. For several seconds, minutes even, as though the earth has stopped on its axis, we stare at each other amid panting anger and craving. We’re trapped beneath a ferocious tidal wave of desire; frozen, looming above us, around us, and we both know it’s about to come crashing down to drown us in its lustful fury.
I sense the moment Jensen is about to pounce, the moment my eyes secretly, silently, whisper so much more than any words ever could. I want him now. As much as I know he wants me. He reaches for me, his attack viciously laced with dominant desire, his wide grip spanning my waist to pull me into his arms. Our lips meet in a ravenous kiss, pent up anger fueling our lustful want for each other as he grips the back of my thighs to lift me, my legs wrapping tightly around him. Winding my fingers through his hair, I pull and tug in desperation, his hands mirroring my actions in my long tresses hanging down my back. I feel possessed, moaning into his mouth, sucking on his tongue.
There’s no concept of our surroundings as we ravage each other, completely engrossed in our deep, anger-fueled need to fuck each other senseless. Turning towards the counter that each dressing room has, Jensen swipes his hand abruptly along the top of it with a fluid glide of his muscled arm, the articles crashing to the carpeted floor with a clatter as he secures me in his grip, his hand at my backside. The erotic display of dominance has me biting his lip in hunger, driving us higher.
