Remember You This Way

by C. R. Jane

  “Jensen, no.” I twist so we’re nose to nose and tears well, one escaping in a hot race down my cheek.

  “Someone as good as you can’t love someone like me,” he continues as he comes to stand next to me.

  My heart sinks. “I’m not sure things like that matter,” I murmur and glance over as he searches the horizon, maybe looking for the same things as me—peace, acceptance, and a place to belong. He sinks to his knees, burying his face in my stomach as he clenches his hands in my rain-soaked dress.

  I take in his grief because he needs me to. Together we heal, because there is no other way for us but into the silence where there is love. I love him.

  “Baby,” he murmurs into me. “I was hanging out in the shade for too long. Where have you been?” I peel away far enough to look into his turbulent, shining, green eyes and place my hand over his racing heart. “Right here, Jensen Reid. I’ll always be right here with you.”

  10

  Now

  I climb into the bus, exhausted and exhilarated from the show. New York City was amazing tonight. I’ll be glad that we have a two-day break after this set of shows though. I’ve realized that the rockstar life is not for the faint of heart. While the parties are fun, it’s the quiet moments that I treasure. The moments when I’m cuddling with Tanner, writing songs with Jesse, or with Jensen watching one of our favorite movies on the bus. Or when I listen in on the band’s practice sessions when they’re trying out new songs. Those are the moments that I will remember most about this experience.

  I sigh when I see a gigantic spray of roses on the kitchen counter. They’re violet colored and immediately eye-catching. There’s a note next to the flowers which says, “You looked beautiful tonight.”

  They’re beautiful, but I can’t smile. Gentry always used to buy me violet colored roses. It was something he did for every occasion and after every time he hurt me so bad that I blacked out. I start to shiver, feeling like I want to throw up or run at the same time. There’s no way that these are from Gentry though. It’s just a fluke. One of the guys thought they were pretty, or one of their assistants picked them out on their behalf. I mean the security team never leaves my side, and the bus is always locked up, right?

  Gentry had been surprisingly silent. There had been no objections to my divorce petition and since I hadn’t asked for anything and I had nothing in the way of worldly possessions that Gentry could possibly want, it was moving along quickly. A part of me couldn’t help but think that everything had been too easy to this point after three years of having to battle with him every day. But maybe for once in my life I had lucked out.

  Feeling creeped out despite my pep talk to myself, I exit the bus to go wait for the guys in one of their dressing rooms while they finish some interviews and a few more VIP meet and greets. Dan and Jake, two of my security team, are waiting right outside the bus as I exit. After carefully punching the button that locks up the bus, we walk back to the venue.

  Jesse gives me a huge grin when he sees me even though it’s just been five minutes since I left. “Everything okay?” he mouths over a fan’s head. I nod and smile, not wanting to interrupt their flow.

  “You know this isn’t going to last forever,” says the cold, British voice that I’ve come to dread from beside me.

  “What are you talking about, Miranda?” I ask, too exhausted to want to get into a battle of wits with her tonight.

  “You and I both know that they’re going to get tired of you riding their coattails eventually,” she says, flicking an imaginary piece of lint off her pristine pantsuit. “The public and the label like your boys a little bad, and with you in the picture they don’t get that.”

  I look at her incredulously. “The label wants them to be partying every night, getting fucked up out of their minds, and sleeping with every woman available?” I ask angrily. “That image does nothing but distract from the fact that they are one of the most talented bands on the planet.”

  She gives me a grin. “I could have a band in their place within a week and no one would even miss them,” she says striding away on her four-inch heels. “I suggest that you think long and hard about how much you love those men or if your selfish enough to destroy them.”

  It feels like there’s a rock in the pit of my stomach as I watch her walk away. I look back over and see Jensen looking at me, a frown on his face showing he clearly saw Miranda talking to me. They’ve tried their best to keep her away from me since she obviously hates me, but they can’t be with me every second.

  I watch Jesse and Tanner sign autographs while Jensen gives an interview, Miranda’s words heavy on my mind. She was wrong. She had to be. Their fans liked their music, not just their reputation. They were born to be the stars they are, nothing could change that. And besides, wasn’t it all a little bit rock n roll that they were sharing me if and when the public found out? I watch as an attractive blonde who I had seen at a few other shows places her hand on Jesse’s chest. He looks uncomfortable at her familiarity, but a part of me knew that she had been one of his hookups in the past. I want to go over there and rip her hand off his chest. Jesse is mine. He loves me. She has no chance. But unfortunately, the best I could do today was turn around and strike up a conversation with the security team so I didn’t have to watch.

  Five minutes later I felt an arm around me. “Baby, let’s go back to the bus,” says Jensen in my ear. I immediately melt into him, glad that I can get away and that I don’t have to do it alone. Sneaking a look behind me I see that the blonde fan is still lurking around Jesse even though he has succeeded in getting her to stop touching him. Yep, I need to go back to the bus before I went over there.

  “So the interviewer asked me about my love life. He said that rumor was that the band were changed men,” says Jensen as we walk.

  “Oh,” I try to say casually. “And what did you say?”

  He stops me and gently pulls me into his body. “What did you want me to say?” he asks, dragging his lips down my neck to that place in between my neck and my shoulder that drives me crazy.

  “That your’re with someone that makes you deliriously happy and that your crazy in love with.” I try to say it as a joke, but I can’t help but wish that the whole world could know that they are mine.

  He pulls his head up so he’s looking me in the eyes. His eyes are that warm, gentle green right now that I only see when he’s happy and relaxed. I love that they look that way right now.

  “Would you believe me if I said those exact words in the interview?” he says to me, getting so close to my lips that we breathe each other’s breaths.

  My eyes widen and my heart feels like it’s going to explode with hope. “You didn’t!” I tell him, thinking he has to be joking.

  “I didn’t give names since we’re still trying to protect you from the public eye as much as possible, but that’s what I said. I’m tired of hiding the fact that I’m happy for the first time in five years. I want everyone to know that I’m taken, that we’re all taken. And that’s never going to change.” He swings me around and every worry about the flowers, about Miranda...they all disappear in the light I see in his eyes.

  We walk into the bus and I stop as soon as I see that every surface is covered in pink and white peonies. They’re my favorite flower, and definitely not in season right now. It’s more flowers than I’ve ever seen in one place. I also notice that there’s no sign of any violet roses.

  “This is amazing,” I tell him, turning around to jump into his arms. “Thanks for putting up with us. I know it’s been a long few weeks. I promise we will spoil you and romance you more in the future,” he says, leaning in for a long kiss that leaves me breathless.

  Hopping off of him, I go and examine all the flowers, touching the petals softly. I also try and see if the violet roses are under any of the other flowers, but there’s still no sign of them.

  “Did you happen to order a bouquet of violet roses?” I ask in a choked voice. Jensen looks confused. “
No,” he says slowly. “Are those your favorite flowers now. Should we have?”

  “No... But I could have sworn I saw them when I first came in. There was even a note that said that I looked beautiful tonight.” I pause before continuing. “They were the kind of roses that Gentry always gave me after he beat me,” I admit with a pained whisper. I had gone out of my way not to talk about my marriage to Gentry with the guys. I didn’t want him tainting this new life of mine, and it seemed like any mention of Gentry was destined to do that.

  “You think they were from Gentry?” Jensen says in a too calm voice, a voice that seemed like he was doing everything he could to control it.

  I try to laugh. “I’m sure it was nothing. They were probably meant for Miranda or something and delivered to the wrong place.”

  “Ya, I’m sure that’s it,” he says, in that same casual voice that seems so wrong. “I’m going to see where our food is. Stay here.”

  He’s gone before I can even answer. The beeping sounding off as he leaves telling me that he locked the bus behind him.

  They know something they aren’t telling me, and I hate it. But I guess we’re all entitled to our secrets. Aren’t I keeping a huge one from them? Something tells me that our new lease on a life together depends on us keeping a few things for ourselves.

  I feel a chilling apprehension that I chide myself for, a fear I’ll lose him, that I will lose all of them, or maybe more accurately that I’ve never had any of them.

  It’s fifteen minutes before he comes back, looking harried, and also empty handed. “They didn’t have our food ready?” I ask, gesturing to his empty hands.

  His face slides into the unreadable look that he’s perfected over the course of his life so well. “Pack up a few things. We have a surprise for you,” he says, not answering my question.

  “We only have two days off, right?” I ask, feeling excited despite the strange circumstances surrounding this surprise.

  “Yep, but besides the interview we have to do tomorrow, we’re going to make the most of it,” he says, walking towards me and slapping my butt. “Now hurry up, you’ve got five minutes.”

  I grin at him, feeling like a little girl on Christmas morning at the prospect of the next two days. I race to the back bedroom and stuff every outfit I see into a bag. It’s nice to actually like my clothes again, and I want to pack extra stuff since I don’t know what we’re doing.

  Five minutes later I’ve grabbed my toothbrush and makeup, and I’m ready to go.

  Jensen’s on the phone speaking softly when I come out. When he sees me, he abruptly ends the call, making me a little sick inside. Gentry did that a lot in the early part of our marriage when he was still pretending he was a dutiful husband after it became clear that I wasn’t keen on spreading my legs to someone who was beating me.

  I try to shake away the feeling. Jensen isn’t Gentry. Jesse and Tanner aren’t Gentry. I won’t ever have to worry about that again. It’s a chant I have to keep telling myself as all my insecurities rear their ugly head.

  “Who was that?” I ask, trying to keep my voice nonchalant.

  “It was just Jesse. He’s ready for us,” he says in a way that doesn’t seem like he’s lying.

  I hate that my mistakes are making me now doubt the best thing I’ve ever had. If they didn’t want me, I wouldn’t be here.

  He holds out his hand to me, and I hate how hard it is for me to take it.

  There’s a black Escalade waiting for us right outside the bus, and I smile at the reminder of our past. Jensen must be thinking the same thing because he squeezes my hand when he sees it. We’re quiet as we drive to whatever secret destination we’re going to. I can’t help but gape at the sprawling city around me. Pictures of New York didn’t prepare me for the sheer enormity of the city. There’s so much to see and do. I wish that we had two months to explore instead of two days.

  We finally pull up in front of what looks like a very fancy hotel. Jensen tells me that it’s a Ritz Carlton. He gestures out the other window where I can see the start of what I’m very much hoping is Central Park. “Are we staying here?” I ask excitedly.

  “We thought it would be good to get a break from the bus,” Jensen says, smiling at the excitement that’s leaking out of me. As I step into the lobby of the hotel, I can’t help but gasp in amazement. Gentry had money, his parents oozed it. But the wealth of our little town in the south was very different from how money was displayed here and in the rockstar world.

  The lobby oozes luxury, and I’m trying to not look like the fish out of water that I am as Jensen leads me directly to the elevators. I can hear whispers as we walk, I’m sure news spreading quickly of the rockstar that’s in residence. We’re both silent on the elevator. Jensen leads me to what I presume is our room. He opens it and steps back, gesturing for me to step inside.

  My eyes are as wide as dinner plates as I take in the opulent suite. There are floor to ceiling windows that I immediately walk to. I gasp in amazement at the view of what has to be Central Park and the city around it. It’s incredible. Looking back at Jensen I see that he’s watching me with an inscrutable look. “This is amazing,” I tell him softly as he walks to stand behind me, gathering me in his arms with his chin resting on my head.

  “We want to give you everything, baby,” he says. And it’s such a sweet sentiment coming from my gruff caveman that I turn around in his arms and give him a soft kiss.

  “This is wonderful, but all I want is all of you,” I tell him. “You know that right? None of this is what makes me want you.”

  He looks at me and his eyes get that warm and lazy look that I love so much. “You’re the only woman in the world that wants me for me and not what I can give them.”

  I was pretty sure that Cassidy, or whatever her name was, was head over heels in love with Jensen in whatever form she could get him, but I decided not to mention that.

  Jensen orders what seems like every item on the room service menu and as soon as the feast arrives, we dig in. I haven’t seen the other guys, but Jensen says they will be here soon. They have some band business to attend to apparently. I wasn’t sure what band business they needed to do at midnight, but it did seem like the guys got busier and busier with obligations as the tour went on.

  After eating, we decide to watch movies in bed despite the fact that I feel like I could be rolled out of the hotel room from being so full of so many delicious things. I take a shower alone, which I wasn’t expecting, but Jensen is waiting for me in bed when I get out eating some of the gourmet chocolate bar from a gift basket the hotel had left as a courtesy for the guys.

  I must have a pouty look on my face because Jensen laughs, and I lose myself for a minute in the way his smile transforms his entire face. His green eyes crinkle at the edges and his full lips stretch to his cheeks. He’s so fucking beautiful that I can’t help but toss aside the towel I’m wearing and climb into his lap. His arms come around me, anchoring me to his body.

  “Kiss me,” I demand, straddling him. He looks up at me and smiles, that secret smile of his that I love so much. He lifts up a piece of chocolate and motions for me to open my lips. I do and he pops a piece in. I chew it slowly, wondering what he was doing. The second after I swallow his lips are on mine.

  He kisses me slowly at first, not budging my lips open at all. His hands are around my back, his fingertips running over my skin. and I tremble slightly in his arms. He opens my lips with his own, and I fall under the magic that is Jensen’s mouth. His teeth nip my lips and I sigh into the kiss, my heart beating erratically in my chest. Jensen pulls back and slides his hands up to cup my jaw.

  “Ari.” I open my eyes slowly.

  “Jensen,” I say back. His eyes trace my face, and his hands push my hair away. “My everything.”

  I start to ask him what he means, but he pulls me to him again and kisses me until I have to pull away to catch my breath. I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. His arms tighten around me. Safe. T
hat was the word that I thought whenever I was in Jensen’s arms. I knew I should strive to be a more independent woman, I knew that. But it was nice to have someone so dedicated to myself and my happiness for once in my life. Or three someones…

  I press a kiss to his neck, reveling in this feeling of contentment. Outside of the bubble that was us, my mind was in a hundred places. Frustrated with feeling like I’m not contributing to anything and feeling like a prisoner from all the safety precautions. But being in Jensen’s arms wasn’t a prison. It was a home.

  “When all of this is over, where do you want to go?” he asks.

  I think about his question for a minute. “Paris.”

  “Then we’ll go.”

  That was it – that was Jensen, always making sure things happened that I wanted. I knew I wouldn’t go to Paris without Jensen, nor would he go without me. And while that was comforting, a blanket of contentment, I still felt a tug. I couldn’t name the emotion that tugged me, but it was there. A nagging in the back of my mind. Reminding me that things could change in an instant.

  11

  Now

  It was 1:00pm and daylight was wasting. Jensen had woken me up at 6:00am saying that the guys had interviews with a few radio stations this morning, but as soon as they got back, we would go out. That was seven hours ago, and I had just gotten a text that Miranda had booked a few more surprise things for them and it was going to be later than they thought by the time they got back.

  Despite the lavishness of the suite, it felt like a prison. I was desperate to get out, to explore the city. Despite all the places we had been so far up and down the eastern seaboard, we were never in one place for long enough to actually see anything. I knew I shouldn’t complain, after all I could be scheduled for lunch at the country club or getting beat by Gentry, but I still found myself wanting more.