Being Not Good

by Elizabeth Stevens

“Don’t forget Avery’s beer,” he said, pointing at Vinny.

  Avery bounced on her toes. “Yes, please. No more Miss Goody-Two-Shoes. I’m getting drunk.”

  Ash laughed. “I think I like her, Dav.”

  “Avery?” I heard Nova and I looked up to see her walking in from the hallway.

  “Hi!” Avery said with her trademark wide smile.

  “Hey!” Nate cried, totally oblivious to the glare Nova was sending him. “You know her?”

  Nova looked around with a derision that made me jealous. “Of course I know her. She’s best friends with my sister.”

  “It’s Grace,” Avery said like it made total sense. “Remember. She’s into the whole Goth thing.”

  “Wait. What?” I blinked. “Grace? Wait. Grace, Grace?”

  “Say my name one more time, Davin,” Nova dared me, her eyes narrowing.

  “I thought you were Nova?”

  “Nova comes from Donovan,” she said nonchalantly, looking around.

  “Donovan’s her last name,” Avery said helpfully.

  I looked at Nova. “But your real name is…Grace?”

  Nova looked at me and shrugged. “Yeah. What of it?”

  I shrugged, knowing better than to cross Nova. Something Nate could learn a thing or two about if he didn’t want to lose her for good. “No. Nothing.”

  “You’re right nothing.” Nova turned to Avery. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m…” Avery pointed at me as she finished swallowing her mouthful of beer, “Davin’s girlfriend. I thought it would be nice to meet his friends.”

  Avery seemed not at all concerned that her best friend’s older sister was at my cousin’s party. But I suppose she thought it made sense since she’d know they were in the same year at school.

  Nova scoffed. “Dav doesn’t do friends, Ave. And he doesn’t do girlfriends.” There was a touch of sympathy in her voice and she frowned at me. “It runs in the family. Behave. You get me if these arseholes give you trouble.”

  “Nova, come on!” I said as she walked away.

  “What did she mean by it runs in the family?”

  I took Avery’s arms and made her look at me. “Yes. I didn’t used to…do girlfriends. But for you I’ll do girlfriends, babe.” I paused and winced at my choice of words “A girlfriend. I’ll do a girlfriend. You. I’ll do you…”

  I stopped because she was giggling at me. I still didn’t care for it in the traditional sense, but I was getting used to it. I actually wasn’t sure what was worse, that I was becoming used to her inanity through mere exposure or that it tried to distract me with other things we could be doing.

  “What?” I asked, focussing on the fact she was laughing at me to take my mind off the idea of other things.

  She shook her head. “Um… I was actually more thinking…” She bit her lip like she was trying to get her laughter under control. “Is Grace sweet on Nate?”

  I looked over her head to where Nate had his arm around Ash and sighed. “I think Nova’s as…sweet on Nate as she could be sweet on anyone.” Who called it being sweet on someone anymore?

  “And he doesn’t like her back or he’s just a butthead?”

  I looked back at her. “Pretty sure it’s the butthead one.”

  Avery was smiling at me, full warm and open. Those blue eyes shone brightly as they looked at me carefully. It was as though it wasn’t just our conversation that made her smile but something else she was looking at. Given she was looking at me, I couldn’t have begun to imagine what that was.

  Finally she sighed. “No wonder she’s in such a bad mood all the time.”

  “Nova?” I scoffed and she nodded. “You think Nova’s…Nova because Nate’s a fucking idiot?”

  Avery nodded as she turned to look at Nate. “If I really liked someone and he didn’t notice, I think I’d want to wear black and yell at everyone too.”

  I actually didn’t believe it. I refused to believe that there was a situation in all of the world where Avery would choose to wear black and yell at anyone. Even after whatever we were doing here, I couldn’t see any future where that happened. For fuck’s sake, her first real boyfriend had cheated on then dumped her and the gnat of positivity had put her singular focus to exceptional use by inducing me to date her to trash her image. Whether she saw it or not, she was the kind of person who thrived to spite adversity. She wasn’t the sort to wallow with us at the bottom of the muck. I just had to find some way to show her that.

  But Vinny’s party wasn’t going to be the place for that. As much as I was supposed to be teaching her how to be not good, the only thing I succeeded in doing was getting us both drunk. Although it took me a hell of a lot more imbibing that it took her – thank fuck she drank slower than me.

  I’ll give you the basic rundown of the majority of the night and let you fill in the blanks with your imagination.

  “After all, I’m sure you’ll be far better at it than me.”

  Avery was noticeable no matter where she was the whole night. She was somehow one of the shortest people in the room and yet you couldn’t miss her. It was like she’d become a literal beacon so I could always find her and keep an eye on her.

  She talked to almost everyone and, despite the fact that I had known all these people to laugh at Avery’s kind in the school yard, they all took to her. Some of them took longer than others. But when she hit a bit of a roadblock, she just had some more to drink and persevered. She made people smile I’d never seen smile before. Half the time I lost sight of her, I heard her laughing with someone else before I had time to worry about what she’d got herself into.

  I watched her listen avidly to stories that Beau and Zac told about the time they’d ‘borrowed’ the Coles trolley and ridden it down the hill to race the wheelie bin Nate was riding. She asked Ash and Liv where they got their clothes from as though she was legitimately looking for fashion advice and I saw Freya actually send her something I later found out to be a link to whatever makeup tutorial they’d been discussing.

  Everything Avery did, everyone she talked to, she looked a half a heartbeat away from clapping her hands in pure joy. It did not suit the dim, grungy feel of the place whatsoever and still she seemed to be having the time of her life. I didn’t understand it. There wasn’t even a muttering of mockery behind her back. No one called me out on the great joke I’d sprung on her like the time Vinny had brought a similar girl to one of these. It made no fucking sense.

  It was typical Avery, but on steroids. She talked at twice her normal rate, laughed at least twice as loud, and she whirled around the room with more optimistic outlook than I think I’d ever seen on her. Except for the few times I caught her eye and there was something else there.

  “I’m starting to think she’s definitely overcompensating for something.”

  As these things inevitably unfold, we get to sometime later which finds a few of us sitting down, drinking beer and just talking.

  “So,” Lara said as she dropped beside Avery on the couch and I kept a watchful eye on them. “Riddle me this, Goody-Two-Shoes? Why is it guys get weirded out if you touch yourself when the girls in pornos are doing it like all the time?”

  I nearly choked on my beer as Avery replied completely innocently and thoughtfully, “I actually couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t aware of either of those things.”

  “Really?” Lara asked, throwing a look to me and I glared at her.

  “Davin?” Avery said as she looked over at me.

  The innocence on her face hit me. Until I saw that look in her eyes. “Yes, Avery?” I asked warily.

  “What do you think?”

  “About what?” I asked her, very aware that there were a fuck tonne of eyes on me all of a sudden.

  Avery leant forward, leaning her elbows on her knees as her eyes ran over me questioningly. “If I touched myself, would you get weirded out?”

  Well that all depended, didn’t it. That
all depended on us having sex in the first place. And that depended on whether I walked away after or not. I wasn’t nearly energetic enough to be a one and done type – all that meeting new people and needing to be charming all the time just seemed like too much effort. But it wasn’t like I usually hung around after the deed was complete.

  With Avery I wouldn’t be able to walk away.

  I was just yet to determine if that’s because she wouldn’t let me or I wouldn’t let myself.

  “You know what, babe?” I said smoothly, flicking my hair out of my eyes. “Either I’m not getting the job done or you just want to? Have at it.” I gave her a wink as I drained the rest of my beer.

  Lara looked at me pointedly. “It wouldn’t bother you? You wouldn’t feel inferior?”

  I shrugged, knowing exactly the game Lara was playing and wishing I’d never set Avery or myself up for it. “No. Why would it?” I put my empty bottle on the table next to me and stood up. “I’m into whatever gets her off.” I walked over and held my hand out to Avery. “And you know that, Lara.”

  Avery’s beer-saturated brain seemed to be trying to piece things together, but she took my hand and I pulled her away before Lara could say anything more. As I found us a quiet corner – all right, bathroom – and closed the door, Avery burst into giggles. It was obvious I’d succeeded in the date’s lesson because those giggles were a lot less put together and more spluttery than her usual.

  “You okay?” I asked her. “You’ve been acting like you’re on speed all night.”

  She nodded, but nothing about that made me change my diagnosis. “Yeah. No. I’m fine.” She giggled but it didn’t sound quite as jovial as usual. “No. I’m good. Why?”

  “I just… Something’s off.”

  She frowned a little like she was having trouble thinking. “No. I just… I want your friends to like me.”

  My breath caught and I coughed to cover that. “I appreciate that, babe. But remember how we talked about some reflection time?”

  “I’ve been trying that whole quiet time thing. I’ve been running and…I’m not really sure it’s working though.”

  I had no idea what she was talking about. “What? Running? Why?”

  She shrugged. “I kind of like it. I mean I only did it once. But I wasn’t sure how else to have quiet time.”

  I still didn’t know what she was talking about. “Is this the thing we talked about the other day?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. You said I needed less talking.”

  I was feeling like maybe I hadn’t been as articulate as I’d intended. “I only meant that maybe take a breath before you open your mouth, babe. Like just give yourself a second to think about what you’re saying instead of just blurting it out…”

  “Huh?” she looked up at me in confusion.

  “Well…” I thought how best to explain it since I’d obviously done a piss-poor job before. “You don’t have to fill every silence. Silence is okay. I was just saying you should take a breath before you open your mouth. I didn’t mean… Running?”

  She pursed her lips and wrinkled her nose while she thought. “But I kind of like it. I think.”

  “Jesus. Why?” I huffed.

  She shrugged again. “I dunno. Being quiet is kinda nice. Even if it’s not what you meant.”

  “Okay. Well mindfulness is a great skill. But no. That wasn’t what I was trying to get you to do.”

  “So…you want me to take a breath before I talk?”

  I nodded. “Yes. If you have a thought, just take a deep breath and see if you still feel like blurting it out.”

  “And if I do?”

  “Then go for it, babe.”

  She smiled. “Awesome.”

  I coughed to cover the laugh I didn’t almost huff. “So… Uh, sorry about Lara before…”

  She looked at me for a second, her eyes calculating. Until…

  “Ohmigod!” she squealed as her hands flew to her mouth. “You and Lara?”

  I gently tugged her hands from her mouth and rolled my eyes. “Yes.”

  Avery looked at me closely, almost like she was having trouble seeing. But surely she wasn’t that drunk? It was her first time drunk, but I didn’t think she’d had that many…

  “She’s jealous. Of me.” Avery pulled back and blinked. “No one’s ever been jealous of me before.”

  “You don’t know that,” I told her. I also found that very hard to believe.

  She nodded in that very sure way that drunk people have. “I do know that. Even Cindy Porter wasn’t jealous of me. She just took Miles out from under me.”

  I felt a niggling twinge in my chest and I swallowed. “Babe…I’m sure–”

  She huffed and waved a hand. “You know, I thought I cared. Then I thought I didn’t care. But then…then I just realised that I cared the way you do when someone else gets the last pair of neon green pumps in your size at the Myers sale. It wasn’t Miles I felt bad about losing. I can’t actually remember a single real thing about him I liked. I just felt stupid I’d wasted my time on him and especially after I’d let him get away with cheating on me! Why did I do that?”

  She looked up at me and I felt it in a place I didn’t know I had. She wasn’t upset, she wasn’t angry, she was just confused and annoyed. I ran my fingers along her hairline and a small smile lit her face, utterly transforming it.

  “I don’t know,” I told her. “But you deserved better.”

  She nodded. “I did, didn’t I?” Her smile became more crooked and she seemed to search my face for something. “But you…”

  Oh fuck. “But me, what?”

  “I know why I like you.”

  That was unexpected. “I’m sure you knew why you liked Miles at the time as well,” I replied stiltedly.

  She scrunched her face up like she was thinking. “I’ll tell you what I would have told you a few months ago if you’d asked me why I liked Miles.”

  “Be still my beating heart,” I droned. “I can’t wait.”

  She giggled. “No–”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to try that big breath before speaking thing now?”

  Her smile did not warm me up inside. “I would have told you because he was hot, he was popular, he was good at sport, and we were going to be voted best couple again this year.”

  “Aren’t you pleased we got ourselves into this?” I ask you.

  “Sh.” She batted me gently. “You, though. I like you. I like you because you make me laugh. You actually listen to me even though I know you hate it. You’re interesting in one of those fascinatingly morbid sort of ways. You don’t pretend…anything with me. You don’t pretend I look nice. You don’t pretend to like my friends. You don’t pretend to be someone you’re not so my parents will like you. But then they like you anyway…”

  Maybe having her blurt out what was on her mind wasn’t the worst thing in the world?

  “I think we should get you some water,” I told her softly, refusing to acknowledge my heart fluttered a little in my chest or that my stomach flip-flopped a bit.

  She shook her head. “No. I’m okay. I think. I just feel chatty. Is that normal? I’m meant to be doing the breathing thing. Or is this just drunk? Is that what drunk does?”

  I was not just about to smile. “Yeah. That’s what drunk does, babe.”

  She grinned up at me. “So we should get you drunk!”

  I coughed and it wasn’t to hide a laugh. “I think you’ll find I’m adequately south of sober.”

  “So why aren’t you chatty?” Her frown was actually sort of cute.

  “Eleven years of denying I have emotions,” I said, then realised maybe I was a little chattier than usual.

  She blinked at me. “What?”

  I lifted her up onto the vanity behind her and shook my head once. “Nothing.”

  And this time I didn’t just kiss her to shut her up. Even I couldn’t pretend I did. I didn’t know why
else I’d kiss her. I just knew that I wanted – needed – to be close to her.

  Nothing had changed from our first date. All her colour and happiness still annoyed me to no end. But I was done telling you or me that I hated being around her. There was still that same weirdly addictive thing about her that I still hadn’t put my finger on. I was in no way going to start enjoying or appreciating life – you couldn’t pay me with all the first editions in the world to do that – but I didn’t want her to stop wanting me.

  And even if I had any idea how to tell her that, I wouldn’t. So I just kissed her instead.

  Fifteen: Avery

  “How big even are your feet?” I giggled.

  “What?” he asked as he opened the front door and shushed me inside.

  “You shoes are huge. I could totally use one as a ski.”

  “You could not use one as a ski.”

  “I could.”

  “Even your feet aren’t that tiny.”

  “They’re pretty tiny. I can buy kid’s shoes you–”

  “Davin?” came a voice I didn’t know.

  I pulled up short and Davin walked into the back of me. There was someone standing in the semi-dark hallway in what looked like a dressing gown.

  “Dad.” Davin cleared his throat. “I didn’t think you’d still be up. Did we wake you?”

  He shook his head. “No. I’m just on my way back to bed. Have a good night?”

  I felt like there was a very obvious elephant in the room and that elephant was me.

  “Yeah…” Davin started. “Yeah, it was… Uh. This is Avery.” Davin put his hand on my arm.

  “Hi, Mr Ambrose. It’s lovely to meet you,” I said, pretty sure I’d nailed the whole sounding totally sober thing.

  “Please call me Don,” he said and I heard the smile in his voice that suggested maybe I didn’t sound as sober as I thought I did. “It’s very nice to meet you too, Avery. You kids have a good rest of your night. But not too good.”

  “Oh, no,” I laughed. “I’m trying to not be too good.”

  “Avery,” Davin hissed as Don chuckled.

  “All right then. Well I’ll see you both tomorrow sometime.”