You and Your Gender Identity

by Dara Hoffman-Fox

  Remember to give your Thinking Self a break: Use what you’ve learned in Giving Your Thinking Self a Break (page 165) whenever you need to do this for yourself. The chaotic, swirling, circling thoughts and feelings that the questions can bring up are just what this exercise was meant to help with. You can always go back to examining your questions when you have returned to a more grounded state.

  Stop and reflect: While you continue to work through each of your questions, pay attention as well to what is coming up for you concerning your gender identity. Ask yourself, “How often is this coming up? How intense are these feelings? Over how much time have these been coming up?” Start to keep track of the answers to these questions. Revisit them often as you need to and pay attention to any patterns that are revealed.

  Un-become what really isn’t you: There was a quote in Stage Three: Exploration that gave the advice of focusing on “un-becoming everything that really isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” What you are doing in this exercise is figuring out how many of your questions really aren’t you and, even if some of them are, if there is still room for your questions about your gender identity to have a spot at the table as well.

  BREAKING YOUR QUESTIONS DOWN INTO CLUSTERS

  Breaking some of these questions down into clusters will make it easier to give advice as to how to approach them. We’ll define these issues layer by layer to help simplify the process.

  1. The Assumption That You Must Be Either Male or Female

  “ … maybe I’m just androgynous?”

  “ … maybe I just need to release pent up feminine/masculine energy?”

  “ … can I just act less stereotypically like my gender assigned at birth?”

  If you have these types questions and aren’t aware of the existence of nonbinary gender identities, then you are in for a useful surprise. Discovering nonbinary identities can enable you to conduct tests and experiments with this in mind, resulting in the discovery of answers that can make more sense to you. If you think this might be useful for you to explore be sure to go back and read Nonbinary Identities (page 132).

  2. Having an Unexpressed Inner Persona

  “ … am I really a cross-dresser?”

  “ … can I just be a drag queen/king?”

  “ … maybe I just have a girl side/guy side that needs to come out?”

  “ … maybe I can just release this feeling in other ways?”

  The first step to take with this cluster of questions involves asking yourself if you have been repressing any feminine energy (for those assigned male at birth) or masculine energy (for those assigned female at birth). You can bring this energy to light through tests and experiments (which we will look at in Chapter 13).

  Accepting and incorporating this energy into who you are as a whole can help to relieve some of your gender identity stress. An example of this is how many present-day assigned-male-at-birth children are expressing their feminine energy through their clothing, interests, behavior, etc. while still feeling comfortable identifying as “boys.” You may end up successfully releasing this pent-up energy, and yet a feeling will remain that it still isn’t enough. Again, you’ll be able to use Chapter 13 as a way to conduct tests and experiments to see where you might fall on this continuum.

  3. The Intersection of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

  “ … am I really just gay/lesbian?”

  One of the first bits of information taught in “Transgender 101” courses is that sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same. However, it doesn’t mean there can’t be a blurring of the lines between these two layers of one’s self. If someone assigned male at birth senses they have more feminine energy than a stereotypical male, they might come to the conclusion they are gay. The same thing can happen to someone assigned female at birth who embodies more masculine energy than a stereotypical female. When you come to a conclusion about your sexual orientation using your feminine/masculine energy as the main determinant, it means you aren’t basing your sexual orientation on what it’s actually supposed to be based, which is whom you are or aren’t sexually attracted to.

  Which brings us to another important key piece of information: Your blend of feminine and masculine energy is not only separate from your gender identity, but also from your sexual orientation.

  It is fairly common to have questions about your sexual orientation while trying to understand your gender identity. They are both significant parts of who you are as a person. As with the other examples, take time to conduct tests and experiments in regard to this question. Keep in mind this could be a question that will remain unanswered until you are able to fully express your gender identity. The goal for now is to answer the question, “Am I really gay/lesbian?” to see if there is something more to it.

  4. The Influence of Trauma and/or Mental Illness

  “ … is it just a reaction to having experienced trauma during my childhood?”

  “ … is it really just a symptom of my [fill in a mental health diagnosis]?”

  “ … am I just desperate to find any answer as to why I feel so depressed/hopeless?”

  “ … is this really just an escape from reality?”

  In an article entitled, “Trauma and Transness: Why I Didn’t ‘Always Know’ I Was Transgender,” Sam Dylan Finch says about his lifelong struggle with mental illness, “There was no room to consider gender for a long time. It was deemed ‘non-essential’ by the part of my brain that determined what I could and could not handle.”65

  For you to give gender room to be considered, you need to understand what else might be affecting your overall mental and emotional health. The effects of past traumas and symptoms of any current diagnosed mental illness, as well as undiagnosed mental illness, can all be present at the same time as gender confusion.

  Additionally, if there have been times during your life when you have had to focus mainly on your survival, your brain is going to ask something like gender identity confusion to take a back seat until things have stabilized. You may have looked for ways to mentally escape from your traumas, with one of these outlets being daydreaming. Some of these daydreams might have been fueled by the clues you were picking up on about your gender identity. This can result in your accidentally making connections between having gender confusion as a child and thinking you are using it as escapism in adulthood.

  It can be overwhelmingly difficult to distinguish between all of these thoughts and feelings (as well as their origins) without help. If you don’t have pertinent information about your overall mental and emotional state you might unintentionally negate, minimize, and dismiss the feelings you are having. Your feelings are completely valid and need to be expressed and explored.

  If these are questions you are struggling with, I strongly recommend you begin to work with a trans-friendly therapist and possibly a psychiatrist, to look at the big picture of your mental and emotional health.

  5. Doubts around Your Sanity

  “ … am I just delusional or ‘crazy’?”

  For some, this cluster of questions can be the ultimate distractor that ends up overruling everything else. In other words, you could make plenty of discoveries on your gender identity journey that continue to point you in a direction that feels right to you. You may even notice that the more you move in that direction, the better you feel.

  Then it happens—the appearance of that dreaded thought: “Maybe there is actually something wrong with my sanity?” This leads you to a belief that you can’t trust what you are thinking and feeling, bringing you back to what you fear is the actual answer: you actually are “crazy.”

  You may be wondering why this cluster is separate from “the influence of mental illness and trauma” cluster. Far too often, the terms delusional and crazy are used to describe the confusing state of mind that occurs when someone is trying to determine their gender identity. Other terms that are misused are “I feel bipolar” and “I think I have multipl
e personalities.”

  This isn’t to say that struggling with or questioning your gender identity doesn’t bring about significant mental challenges and confusion. It’s normal to have thoughts like “I’m losing my mind!” or “I’m all over the place with my emotions!” This is different from actually being diagnosed with these conditions.

  The best way to examine this layer is to conduct tests and experiments, which we will discuss in Chapter 13 (page 205). For example, if you truly suspect you might have one of these mental health conditions, get a thorough mental health evaluation from a trans-knowledgeable psychologist or psychiatrist. Otherwise, be very careful about using terms such as delusional or crazy if they don’t actually apply to you, for they create and perpetuate negative connotations for those who actually do suffer from these mental illnesses.

  6. Questions around This Being a Fetish or a Kink

  “ … is it just a fetish?”

  “ … is this just a ‘kink’?”

  “ … is this really just autogynephilia?”

  First, let’s be clear that having fetishes or kinks is not indicative of having any sort of disorder. The rule of thumb is as long as it is sane, safe, and involves full consent from everyone involved, kinks and fetishes can be a healthy part of a person’s life.

  Confusion can come into play because the layer of who you are as a sexual being is closely intertwined with who you are as an entire being, including your gender identity. Therefore it is important to take the time to face the questions you have about your gender identity and your sexual self. Explore them separately and then bring them back together to see what results.

  Questions you can focus on exploring are:

  • “Is it sexually arousing to be myself?”

  • “Is it easier for me to become sexually aroused when I feel more connected to myself … more comfortable … more ‘me’?”

  • “How does my gender identity come into play with my kink life? In what ways is it separate?”

  Although this cluster of questions can arise in anyone who is exploring their gender identity, I’ve seen a significant number of individuals struggle with this who were assigned male at birth and are questioning whether or not they are actually female. One of the reasons for this can be traced back to the 1980s with the creation of a dangerous and deceptive model called “autogynephilia.”

  Created by a sexologist named Ray Blanchard, autogynephilia is defined as “male-to-female (MtF) transsexuals who are not exclusively attracted toward men but are instead sexually oriented toward the thought or image of themselves as a woman.”66 In other words, “misdirected heterosexual sex drive.”

  Although this theory has been professionally disputed and debunked for being “misleading and stigmatizing”67 its negative effect and impact has caused a tragic degree of confusion, shame, and self-hatred in many individuals who are on their gender identity journey.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  63 World Professional Association for Transgender Health, 8.

  64 Zinnia Jones, “That Was Dysphoria? 8 Signs and Symptoms of Indirect Gender Dysphoria,” Gender Analysis, n.d., http://genderanalysis.net/articles/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/.

  65 Sam Dylan Finch, “Trauma and Transness: Why I Didn’t ‘Always Know’ I Was Transgender,” Let’s Queer Things Up!, January 16, 2016, http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2016/01/16/trauma-and-transness-why-i-didnt-always-know-i-was-transgender/.

  66 Madeline H. Wyndzen, PhD, “Autogynephilia & Ray Blanchard’s Mis-Directed Sex-Drive Model of Transsexuality,” Autogynephilia & Ray Blanchard, n.d., 2003, http://www.genderpsychology.org/autogynephilia/ray_blanchard/.

  67 Julia M. Serano, “The Case Against Autogynephilia,” International Journal of Transgenderism 12, no. 3 (2010): 176–87.

  Chapter 13

  Actively Exploring Your Gender Identity

  Whether you’ve known it or not, you have been slowly building toward this chapter of Stage Three: Exploration. It’s been saved for the end because it reflects one of the final stages of the Hero’s Journey: the Dark Night of the Soul.68 Throughout this Dark Night of the Soul, the hero discards old beliefs and illusions about who they are in order to make room for the truth. This process continues through what’s known as the Ordeal,69 during which the hero faces their greatest challenges and fears in the form of adversaries (those who are external as well as those which lie within).

  An example of the Ordeal can be seen in one of the final scenes of the film Inception.70 The hero faces a humongous fortress in the middle of an insane blizzard with heavily armed guards surrounding every entrance. He has one goal: to get into the fortress to discover the truth of how his now-deceased father really felt about him. He has come a long way to get here and is stunned by the impossible nature of this final step. You can see the doubt settle in. “Should I keep going? The obstacles are so tremendous! Yet I’ve come so far already … ”

  This scene actually takes place in the hero’s subconscious—he is in a dream within a dream. This metaphor depicts the conflict we have within our own subconscious when we get to what feels to be the final stage of a self-discovery journey. There you are, this close to finding out the truth, when you suddenly encounter your very own version of fortresses, blizzards, and armed guards.

  This stage is not for the faint of heart. This is a time when, as the hero of your own journey, you will be pushing yourself further outside your comfort zone than ever. That’s why care has been taken throughout this book to prepare you for this.

  Don’t lose sight of the fact that there is a good reason you are putting yourself through this Hero’s Journey: to make it through the Dark Night of the Soul and to Return with the Elixir. The Return with the Elixir is when you come back from your journey with an awareness of self that was previously missing. You are able to live with more freedom after having discovered these missing pieces and can share this more authentic YOU with others. Exploring your gender identity through actual experience will be the catalyst that moves you closer to the Elixir and newfound self-awareness.

  In this chapter, you will follow through with this exploration by:

  • Creating a list of Exploration Ideas.

  • Managing your exploration-related fear and stress.

  • Conducting your own tests and experiments.

  Creating a List of Exploration Ideas

  Before jumping right into actively exploring your gender identity, you’ll need to create a list of Exploration Ideas. An Exploration Idea is something you would consider trying out with the hope that it will give you insight into your gender identity. It can be something you do privately, semi-publicly (with select persons), and/or publicly. It can also be something you explore through internal methods, external methods, or a combination of both.

  At the end of this section, there are several blank pages for you to keep track of these Exploration Ideas, as well as any reactions you have as you try out these ideas.

  CREATING CATEGORIES OF EXPLORATION IDEAS

  Breaking your Exploration Ideas down into categories can make it easier to decide which ones you are most interested in pursuing. Here are ideas as to how they can be broken down (you can also create your own categories as well).

  Altering your appearance can help you …

  • Get a sense of how it feels, emotionally, to change how you look.

  • Have something visual you can look at (e.g., using mirror, taking selfie pictures).

  • Experiment with different ideas about your look.

  • See if you experience any physical relief by changing your appearance.

  • Notice if you are treated differently by others when you change your appearance.

  Interacting with others online (chat rooms, gaming, etc.) can help
you …

  • See how it feels to express sides of yourself you haven’t been able to share publicly.

  • Experience what it is like to been seen and treated as yourself.

  • Explore how you feel before making any changes that others will notice.

  • Be selective about who you want to explore your gender identity with.

  Using writing, art, music, and other creative methods can help you …

  • Get to know yourself better in private before making any changes that others will notice.

  • Open up to aspects of yourself that you hadn’t realized were waiting to be discovered.

  • Decide how you want to explore outwardly what you have been exploring inwardly.

  • Privately play out certain ideas and scenarios so you can see how it feels.

  Do any of these categories sound of interest to you? Are there others you would like to include? Record them in the Exploration Ideas section.

  SEEKING OUT EXPLORATION IDEAS

  Some of your Exploration Ideas will feel like they have just popped into your head, having a more internal birth. Other times you will see something outside of yourself and will respond with, “Hmm, now that looks like something I’d like to try.”

  Here are ways you can seek out Exploration Ideas, both internally and externally.

  1. Pay attention to what doesn’t feel accurate to you.

  Sometimes you’re going to know what isn’t you before you know what is you. Use this approach to help you use your Exploration Ideas to experience less of what isn’t you. Eventually this will reveal more of what is you.