by Ford, Mia
But what the hell else am I supposed to do with my musical talents? This is the pinnacle of a music career; I don’t have anything else. I have to keep going with this until it ends and I need to find a way to be grateful as well. Many people would kill to be in my shoes, including teenage me, so I need to make myself happy. That shouldn’t be hard. I mean, I have enough money to last forever, enough people around me to always have company, enough thrills in my life to keep me going… I should be over joyed.
I will be, I tell myself determinedly. I was once before and I will be again.
“Morning you.” The redhead flicks her hair out of the way and she smirks at me. Even with her make up smeared and a look of a hangover that matches mine, she has a sultry look. I’m sure she was a sex goddess last night which is how she ended up in my hotel bed, but today I’m not in the mood. There isn’t any stirring in any part of my body. I just need her gone. “Why don’t you come over here?”
“I erm… I just need to… you know…”
I scuttle out of the bed quickly and move over to the window. She reaches for her phone and my instincts snap into place. She wants a picture of me, a memento of our night together, and a naked one will earn her notoriety online. She might even make money from it if she’s lucky. I’ve had that done to me before. So, I grab my sweat pants and I slip backwards into the bathroom before she can get what she wants.
She’s insatiable, but they usually are. Our fans have to be the craziest women in the world.
“Fucking hell.” I shake my head sadly. “What am I doing?”
As I dress in the sloppiest outfit, I can find which will stop any pictures from looking good, I wonder why I’m so trapped. It doesn’t matter which way I look there isn’t a way out. I’m stuck here. Stuck in this emotionally draining shit show.
I grab my cell phone off the side of the bathroom sink, where thankfully I must have left it, and I fire off a text to Billy, my manager, who is great at getting me out of this sort of situation. He should be by now, he’s been doing it for me and the rest of us for six long years.
Jace: Billy, I need the call. Thanks!
Only a split second later, the call comes through. I step out of the bathroom so the maximum effect can be heard. The redhead is on top of the sheets now, her naked body fully on display. She is gorgeous, there’s no denying that, but still I don’t feel a damn thing.
“Hello, Billy, what’s going on?”
“Jace, where the fuck are you?” he barks angrily. “We need you, you’re supposed to be here…”
“Oh shit, of course.” I clap my palm to my forehead hard. “I forgot. I’m coming.”
“We need you here now. This isn’t a game; you know?”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, Billy.”
I hang up the phone and give the redhead an apologetic look. She is already grabbing her clothes, knowing that I’m needed somewhere else. I start on with my excuse, but she nods understandingly. She gets it, she knows who I am, that I’m needed, that she has to share me with the rest of the world.
She kisses me lightly and slips me a piece of paper with her phone number on, as if I’m ever going to call her, and exits the room quickly and quietly, thankfully leaving me all by myself.
I breathe out a sigh of relief and lean my back against the door so no one else can come inside. I am needed for band stuff, but not until later on so I have all the morning to do whatever the hell I want. I could go out, go for coffee, eat some cake, shop, do whatever the fuck normal people do on a daily basis when they have some free time, or I could hide out here and head back to sleep in a bed in a locked anonymous room where I can’t be mobbed.
The answer is obvious; I don’t know why I’m acting like I have a choice. I’m stuck here until the tour bus is here to pick us all up and to take us to the next city. So, I flop onto the bed with my cell phone still clutched between my fingers. I alternate between staring at the screen and that damn crack in the ceiling until I know what I have to do. I don’t have any choice anymore; I have to go back to her.
This isn’t healthy, I scold myself as I type in her name. This isn’t right.
The problem is it’s been six years and I cannot let her go. I blame the Internet for that. I can’t escape her. If this had happened a few years ago, I would have been able to move on and forget about her easily, but she’s always there at a touch of a button. I just have to type in her name and I can find out what she’s up to these days, who she’s spending time with, what became of her. It’s a nightmare, but I’m addicted.
“Oh, Addie.” I stroke my finger down her face on my screen, my heart shattering all over again. She’s changed a little in the last six years, she’s grown more into herself, she somehow manages to look even more beautiful than ever before. There’s a confidence to her that wasn’t there in college, she’s more of an adult. I wish I knew more about the person she’s become. I bet she’s amazing. “I miss you too much.”
I click onto her page and run my eyes quickly over everything. It seems that she’s still a managing editor for a newspaper, which isn’t much of a surprise, she’s smart and ambitious, I always knew that she’d go far, and there still isn’t any mention of a boyfriend, which is more of a relief than it should be.
“There might be a man in her life,” I mutter to myself. “She just might not plaster it over the Internet.”
But I can’t imagine her with a man, or more I don’t want to. It’s selfish, I know, since I have been with lots of women, but I want her to remain pure for me. Even though it’s been six years and I can’t see us ever finding a way back to one another. It just isn’t possible. Especially since I don’t even know why it ended. One day, things were amazing, the best they could have been, I was happy and I thought that she was too. I assumed that we would last forever, making it through thick and thin and everything in between.
But then she was gone, and I had nothing left. I was an empty void who would do anything to fill it… I guess a part of that is more true than I care to ever admit.
Luci Emery tagged Addison Laing in a status.
I nearly drop my phone in shock. It’s almost as if Luci can see me looking at her page and this is her way of reminding me to keep the hell away. Addie’s best friend never took much of a shine to me and I don’t suppose that has changed now. I’m sure she still despises me.
Curiosity gets the better of me. I need to see the status. It doesn’t matter how much Luci hates me or even that she’s onto me. I just need to know what the hell is going on with Addie.
‘What a crazy day! Things are looking up @ Hayley Spraggon’s Dating Agency - with Addison Laing’
“A dating agency?” I exclaim in shock. “For who? For Luci or Addie? Who is dating?”
My heart races at the speed of light, it pounds heavily in my throat, I can barely breathe under the pressure of it. The idea of Addie with anyone is killing me, and actively looking for someone is worse. I can’t stand it. I want to scream. The moment that I know she’s moved on is the second that everything is lost.
I tug my fingers through my hair and pace the room, the urge to get out from these four walls is now crushing me. Killing me. I need to do something, to take action, to cling on to this feeling that’s nothing like the numbness I’ve been feeling for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what yet, but there has to be something that I can do, isn’t there?
Panic almost consumes me; I haven’t ever felt so deeply before. This is sheer, it’s intense, it’s boundless. I clutch my stomach, then my head, trying to locate the source of the anxiety to shut it off.
I stare at the status again, then at Addie’s face, and all I want to do is to be by her side. That would feel so much better than this, I know it. I just know that any sort of life with her would be more fulfilling than being a famous rock star where everyone knows my fucking name.
But there isn’t any way to get back to her. Is there?
Is there?
* * *
&nbs
p; Chapter 3: Addison
“Hayley Spraggon’s Dating Agency,” I say with a shaky voice. “Really, Luci? Do I have to do this?”
I stare up at the bright white building with lights shining off it, inviting people inside, a strong sense of intimidation overcoming me. I don’t belong here, this isn’t right. This is a place for people actively looking for love, those who are ready for it, not messy people like me who don’t know what they want. Or perhaps I do know, but it’s something I shouldn’t want and that I definitely cannot have.
“Come on.” Luci grabs onto my arm and laughs at my fear. “Let’s go in. You’ll love this.”
I try to resist but even my body is against me. It’s so conditioned to fall in line with whatever Luci tells me to do because it knows that she’s bold where I’m not. She makes me be the person who I want to be… usually. Not now though, this is the opposite to what I want. I don’t want to date anyone.
She pulls me inside the office and makes me take my seat in the reception area. I think Luci can tell that I’m a flight risk because she heads over to the reception desk and signs me in. Internally, I curse her, I want to wring her neck and make her see sense, but outwardly I’m as cool and collected as can be.
Luckily, my job needs me to be calm under pressure. I’m used to this. Well, not this but pressure.
I twist my fingers around and around as Luci takes her seat. She sits so close to me I know that she’ll grab me if I chose to run. Not that I will. I’m a grown ass woman, I’m not actually about to race out of here… mostly because I have high heels on and I don’t think I’d get that far, but still.
“It’s going to be fine,” Luci hisses to me. “Stop worrying, Addison. It’ll be alright, I’m here for you.”
I smile thinly at her, trying to display some sort of confidence, but it doesn’t really play out. Luci can see right through me. She’s such an awesome, caring friend, I don’t know where I’d be without her…
“What the hell is that?” I demand, grabbing her cell phone from her. “Is that… oh my god: ‘What a crazy day! Things are looking up @ Hayley Spraggon’s Dating Agency - with Addison Laing’. What is that?”
“What?” Luci shrugs as if she doesn’t get what she’s done wrong.
“Delete it! Delete it now. I don’t want people to know what I’m doing.”
“Why not? What does it matter? Everyone dates one way or another.”
“But they don’t make it obvious to the world,” I exclaim.
“They do. Everyone is doing it, no one cares, honestly.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head. “Please, Luci, delete it, this is hard enough.”
She finally seems to understand but she is a little shitty when she finally agrees. “Right, fine.”
“Sorry, Luci, I just…” I sigh loudly. “This is weird for me. I don’t mean to be a bitch, I just…”
“No, I know. I’m sorry.” She pouts. “I’m just excited for you, that’s all.”
I know there’s a right thing to say here, words to make this all okay again, but right now I have a blank mind that can’t seem to find any of the answers. I’m a black numb void who just needs to get out of here…
“Addison Laing,” the receptionist calls, breaking the tension. “If you’d like to follow me…”
Luci grabs my arm one last time and squeezes. “Good luck, Addison. I’ll be here waiting for you.”
I nod slowly, trying to take comfort from her, but I can’t seem to make it happen. I’m just messy and scared, terrified what this is going to bring up. I might have to talk about Jace.
My heart thumps with every step as I walk towards the sleek office in which Mrs. Hayley Spraggon herself works. Every step feels heavy, but I keep on lugging my feet along anyway. For Luci. A little bit for myself as well. Just for the experimence. The test to see if I can ever move passed the rut I’m in.
I finally find myself shown into a room which is clearly designed to be warm, to inspire feelings of love, to make you feel like you’re in a welcome environment where you can spill your guts. But I just feel like shit. Like I know that I’m not quite good enough, like I shouldn’t be here.
“Hello there.” Hayley beams gleefully at me. She has a curvy, womanly figure that I’m sure wouldn’t have any trouble attracting any man. It’s alright for her, she doesn’t need help, clearly since she’s married. “You are Addison Laing, am I right?” I nod numbly. “Great, well it’s lovely to meet you. Please, take a seat.”
I do as she commands, going along with something that I really don’t want to just because she told me to. That’s a really bad habit and I need to stop it. “Thank you for seeing me…”
“I can tell that you’re hesitant to be here and I know why. Most people are when they first arrive. Usually, this is something that they’ve been coerced in to by their friend.” I laugh knowingly. It seems I’m not the only one who has a Luci in their lives. “So, today I just want to talk about you.”
“Me?” I don’t know why this is a surprise but it is. “Erm, what do you want to know about me?”
“Everything.” She opens her arms wide. “Tell me all about who you are.”
“I… I… I’m a managing editor of a newspaper. That’s why I don’t date, you know. It’s because I’m so busy. Work keeps me going, I have to do a lot of hours. It’s… a lot of responsibility.”
Yeah, Luci is right. It all sounds like excuses. There isn’t really any reason for me not to date. No reason but Jace. It’s always been him, clinging onto me like a bad smell, I can’t shake him off. And I need to. This isn’t healthy, it isn’t going to help me, I can’t live my life in the shadow of the past anymore.
“I think…” I gulp. The thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat won’t slide down, no matter what I do. “I think I can’t let go of the past. Of someone who hurt me. I think that’s why…”
Shit. A tear leaks down my cheek. I’m crying. Of all the things that I expected to happen in this room, sobbing wasn’t it. I was just going to be cold and calm, to just get through it, but now…
“It’s okay, dear,” Hayley reassures me. “You don’t need to worry. Everyone gets emotional in here. Usually, by the time someone comes to see me they have been through some hard times.” I nod, feeling better to hear that, but I can’t stop the tears from rolling. “So, for a moment why don’t I tell you what I can do?” I nod again. “I will take notes on everything that I know about you, everything that we discuss today, and the criteria that you give me for finding your perfect partner.”
“Criteria?” I half laugh. “That sounds a bit… sciency doesn’t it?”
“It is science,” she replies dead serious. “And after I have reviewed your notes, I will find a selection of the men that I have on my books to present you with the ones I think are most suited. You can then pick any of them to go on dates with, or none of them if you prefer, you are in complete control.”
I blow out a breath that I didn’t even know I was holding. That’s good. I like the sound of that. I’m the one with all the power, so if I decide against this then I can just back off. Luci doesn’t even have to know about it, I can tell her that I tried and it didn’t work… if I panic. But I will try and go through with it.
“Okay, great, so erm… what do you need from me to make it work?”
“I have some questions that I will ask and you will tell me some things. Then I will go from there. We can talk for as long as it feels comfortable, and I won’t push you to discuss anything you don’t want to.”
I smile weakly at Hayley and she grins back at me, we share an understanding. I do think that actually she might have my best interests at heart, through it all. I might be able to hack this more than online dating, it feels much less seedy and scary to me. I imagine Hayley vets everyone, so it will be fine.
At least, I hope it will be.
* * *
“Miss Laing? Miss Laing?”
I shake from my thoughts to see Sandra,
the new intern, staring up at me with hopeful eyes. She’s got the ambition to back up the hope as well. I can already see that she’s going to go far,
“Addison, please, you don’t have to call me Miss Laing.”
“Er, right, Addison.” She coughs uncomfortably. “I just wanted to tell you that I’ve done the reports.”
She hands me a stack of papers and I take it with a smile. I need to get my head back in the game, to think only of work. I’m not usually like this, all distracted, but then I don’t usually have morning meetings at a dating agency. Everything that I talked about with Hayley keeps playing on my mind.
“Thank you, Sandra, that’s brilliant. I appreciate it.” She hops from foot to foot, clearly not in any hurry to leave. “Is there anything else, Sandra? Only, I do need to get on…”
“I was wondering… and I totally understand if you say no, because I know that interns don’t usually do this sort of thing, we just do the odd jobs, but I was wondering if I could shadow another reporter while I’m here. Maybe even write something for the paper. Or the website, I don’t mind, and it doesn’t have to be anything big…”
I smile. I like her, she reminds me of me. I might be more reserved in most areas of my life, but work has always been the place where I’ve stepped out of my shell and gone for what I want. That’s how I managed to get so far so quickly. I wouldn’t ever squash the ambition of another person. Someone took a chance on me and I will always do the same thing. Nurturing talent is what I consider to be a part of my job.
“Sure, sounds good. I will see what Liam is writing this week. He could be a good one for you.”
“Oh, thank you so much.” She claps her hands together gleefully. “I appreciate it so much.”
“You’re welcome, Sandra. I want you to get as much as you can from this experience.”
