Wish You Were Mine

by Tara Sivec

  Everett sighs, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

  “Cam, he thinks we’re married. Don’t you think it would be a little weird if I didn’t show up for dinner? You have, what? A month, maybe two tops, before this place shuts down completely? And you heard him just now. Camp Rylan is at the top of his list, as long as we meet all of his requirements, the most important one being that this charity is run by a happily married couple. You need me right now. It’s not that big of a deal,” he tells me softly.

  My mouth drops open and I have to resist the urge to smack my hands against his chest and shove him. I don’t want to touch any part of him. Having his hands on me was bad enough. If I put my hands on his chest and feel the muscles beneath his cotton shirt, my brain will turn to mush.

  “Not that big of a deal? Are you fucking kidding me right now?!” I shout. “I haven’t seen you in years! You don’t know one damn thing about me, and the only reason I need you right now is because you didn’t give me any other choice! I could have easily called my parents and explained things to Mr. Stratford, but no. You made a decision for me and now I’m stuck with it, or I’ll risk looking like an idiot who lies and doesn’t know how to run things around here!”

  He steps toward me, and I immediately take a step back. It’s one thing for him to be all touchy-feely in front of Mr. Stratford, but he’s not coming anywhere near me when we’re alone.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right, I made a hasty decision, but I don’t regret it. Stratford doesn’t seem like a man who would have waited around for your parents to get here if we’d told him the truth right from the start. He would have gotten back in his limo and moved on to the next place on his list. We can worry about my stupid decision down the road, after Stratford gives you his money. I know you need to save this camp. It’s your parent’s dream and your legacy. Stop being so fucking stubborn, Cam. Let me help you,” he pleads.

  Of course he knows exactly the right words to say to make me come off as an ungrateful bitch for being so angry about a situation that he’s probably right about. I should thank him like a normal person, even though pretending to be married to someone is nowhere near normal. But I’ve never been a normal person when it comes to Everett. I’ve been a lovesick fool who put her trust in the wrong man and it came back to bite me, leaving me lost and alone and confused for too many years.

  I knew from a young age that I wanted nothing more out of life than living on this plantation and working at the camp my parents sacrificed everything for. I spent every free minute I had here, following my parents around and learning everything I could about what goes into running a place like this. I moved out of the home I shared with my parents when I graduated high school and into the plantation’s old guest house, close to the main house. I never went away to college like all of my friends from school did because I couldn’t imagine spending one day, let alone four years away, from Camp Rylan and the kids I’d come to know and love and looked forward to seeing every time they set foot on this forty acres of land, in search of understanding and something to take their mind off of things.

  Most people didn’t understand why my parents never forced me to go to college and get an education, but they didn’t understand the type of people Shelby and Eli James are. All they cared about was my happiness. My mom spent most of her life doing exactly what her mother demanded, never living her own dreams or having anything for herself, and she refused to do that to me. All my parents wanted was to see me happy, doing whatever it was that got me there, and I loved them more than anything for it.

  Which is why I kept my mouth shut when Everett put his arms around me and pretended we were married. And it’s why I’m going to continue going along with it, even though everything inside of me is screaming that it’s a bad idea. The more time I spend with Everett, letting him get inside my head and my heart, the more it’s going to hurt when he pushes me away again. I couldn’t handle it the first time. I won’t survive it a second time. At least he’s right about one thing. We can worry about the consequences of his stupid decision later on, when I’m not sleep-deprived from worrying about the camp and still in shock about him being home.

  “Don’t pretend like this fixes anything just because you happened to waltz back into my life today of all days,” I remind him. “We aren’t friends anymore, you made sure of that. Just because you know this camp and you know how much it means to me doesn’t mean you get a free pass for being an asshole.”

  Everett doesn’t say anything else as I brush past him. I walk away and I keep right on walking, not stopping to talk to any of the workers as I go. I keep my head down and my tears in check until I get to the guest house. I move quickly through the living room and down the hall, refusing to let anything out until I’m in the safety of my bedroom. I don’t even make it to the bed. Closing the door behind me, I lean back against it and slide down to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest as the tears start to fall.

  I hate that I’ve missed Everett so much, that a part of me wants to forgive him for everything. I hate that seeing him again gave me butterflies and made me remember all of the feelings I used to have for him. I hate that he’ll never understand how much his disappearance from my life broke my heart, because I can never tell him. I can never tell him that he always had my heart, and he took it with him when he left, because it will just make me look like a fool. A fool who waited around for years, hoping her best friend would someday fall in love with her. Hoping she’d get an e-mail or a phone call. Hoping for something. I refuse to let him know just how sad and pathetic I’ve been. How I’ve kept men at arm’s length since he left, building up a protective wall around me over the years because I refuse ever to be hurt like that again or allow anyone to get that close again. I’ve always been the strong, independent one in our friendship, and I don’t need the embarrassment of him seeing me as anything less than that. I refuse to be that girl.

  My tears fall so fast that everything around me becomes a blur. I rest my head on my knees and don’t even try to stop them. I miss Aiden right now more than I have in nine months. If he were here right now, and we had to pretend to be married, we’d be laughing our asses off at the ridiculousness of it. He’d be making jokes about how he hit the jackpot with such a “hot” wife and he’d be demanding we consummate our fake marriage on every inch of the camp just to make it authentic.

  My body shakes with sobs and I’m filled with so much guilt I think I might drown in it. I look down at the ring Aiden gave me, hold my hand up in front of me, twisting it until it catches on the overhead light in the room and sparkles. I picture Aiden’s smiling, happy face the day he gave me that ring and my heart hurts so much with missing him I feel like I can’t breathe. Pulling the ring off of my right hand, I switch it over to the left, sliding it on my ring finger. The pressure in my chest hurts so much I have to press my hand there to keep it inside, knowing I’m going to use this piece of jewelry now as a prop in this stupid farce with Stratford.

  Even though I’d give anything to have Aiden back, I can’t stop that small flutter of joy in my heart that Everett is the one who came back to me, no matter how much damage he did to us. It feels like I’m being disloyal to Aiden. He never broke my heart. He never let me down. He never pushed me away. And yet, I know if someone had asked me, “Who do you wish had gotten out of Jason’s truck earlier?”—and if wishes really did come true and the impossible could happen, like someone coming back from the dead—I still would have wished for Everett. It would always be Everett who I wished for. I was always drawn to him because he was lost, and I wanted to help him find his way. Now that our situations are reversed, I’m scared to death to let him help me. Without Aiden, who’s going to help me find my way when Everett lets me down again?

  Chapter 12

  Cameron

  Wishing in the past…

  Twenty-three years old

  I watch Allison Brantley stomp her foot like a toddler and storm away from Everett. If he didn�
��t look so miserable watching her walk away, I’d be smiling right now.

  “Looks like he finally cut that clinger loose,” Aiden states, flopping down next to me on the couch. “See? It was a great idea to throw a party at my place. Now Everett can get piss-drunk and pass out in the spare bedroom.”

  I just nod my head, unable to take my eyes off of Everett standing across the room in the doorway of the kitchen, still staring at the front door, where Allison disappeared. He came to Aiden’s place right from his clinical rotation at the hospital, not bothering to change out of his blue scrubs. Everett looks hot no matter what he’s wearing, but there’s just something about seeing him in those things that raises my body temperature and makes me want to fan my face.

  Everett had protested Aiden’s idea of a party, but I knew he needed it. He’d just buried his mother two weeks ago and needed something to take his mind off of things. We both told him to wait a little longer before he made any big decisions, but he’d gone and accepted an offer with some international medical organization an hour after the ceremony and signed the papers. He’d complete a year or two stateside, learning all he could about internal medicine, and then he’d complete his residency abroad, giving him firsthand experience around the world.

  “How about I get you a fresh drink? Feel free to pass out in MY bedroom tonight.”

  I pull my eyes away from Everett to see Aiden wagging his eyebrows at me as he throws his arm over the back of the couch behind me, and I can’t help but laugh at his attempt to flirt with me. Something he’s started doing more and more ever since I turned twenty-one.

  “Never gonna happen, Aiden,” I inform him, patting his thigh as I push myself up from the couch.

  “Never say never, kid. One of these days you’re going to find my charms irresistible.”

  I roll my eyes at him, which just makes him laugh.

  “You have three dates here tonight. I don’t think you need a fourth.”

  Aiden waves his hand at me, taking a drink of his beer.

  “They won’t mind. And besides, I wasn’t talking about a date. I was talking about a few hours of sweaty, enjoyable, meaningless sex,” he informs me with a smirk.

  “I think you meant to say a few minutes.”

  Aiden’s hand comes up over his heart and his eyes widen.

  “You wound me, kid. You really wound me.”

  “I’m sure your ego will recover,” I reply dryly. “Go find one of your skanks to keep you occupied. I’m going to go check on Everett.”

  “Uh-huh. Sure. ‘Check on Everett,’” he replies, complete with air quotes, making me pause from getting off the couch.

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  Aiden just laughs. “You two are so cute and stupid.”

  Shaking my head at him as he continues chuckling, I push up from the couch and leave Aiden behind, ignoring whatever the hell he was implying as I head in Everett’s direction. Moving opposite him in the doorway, I slide my hands behind my back and lean against the inside frame of the entrance to the kitchen.

  For a few minutes, we just stare at each other silently and I call myself all kinds of fool when my heart stutters inside my chest. I’ve tried so hard for so many years to let go of my feelings for him, but nothing works. Right when I think I have the perfect opportunity to finally admit everything to him, something gets in the way. As soon as I start dating someone, he’s single. As soon as I find myself without someone, he’s signing up to save the world. That old saying about two ships passing in the night…nothing could describe Everett and me better. One of us is always passing the other by.

  “So I guess Allison didn’t take the news very well. Are you okay?” I ask him softly.

  Everett sighs, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

  “I kind of saw it coming. She didn’t think I was serious about leaving the country to finish my residency, and when she realized I was, she thought the threat of breaking up with me if I leave would make me change her mind. So I told her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out.”

  Even though I shouldn’t laugh, I can’t help it. Everett lets out a deep chuckle right along with me, and it’s the best sound in the world. I live for his smiles and his laughs, since they’re so few and far between. Especially lately.

  “She was a bitch in high school and she was a bitch as a grown-ass adult. Good riddance!” I tell him.

  He holds his smile for a few minutes and I watch as it slowly falls and his face grows serious.

  “Is it wrong that I’m happy? That I feel…free?” he whispers.

  I immediately know that he’s talking about his mother without even having to ask him to clarify. It breaks my heart that he’s leaving and I’m losing yet another shot at what I want, but nothing else matters to me more than Everett’s happiness. Besides, he won’t be gone forever.

  “No. It’s not wrong. I know you’re not happy she’s gone, but you carried a lot on your shoulders your entire life. All because of her. You SHOULD feel free. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not anymore. You don’t have to pretend just to keep her from falling apart. You can do what you really want to do now. You can still be sad she’s gone and be happy that your dreams are going to come true. You deserve this, Everett. You deserve to finally do what makes you happy,” I tell him with a reassuring smile.

  The last few years haven’t been easy on Everett. He had to create a web of lies and deception because his mother suddenly decided to get sober and be a mother, and it wore him down. I know he didn’t want to rock the boat with her sobriety and I hated that for him. That he felt so much pressure to keep their family together when she’d never cared. It turned out that being sober wasn’t something she was very good at, and even though she kept it in check when she came out here to visit, back home in New Jersey, she made up for lost time. She died in her sleep from acute pancreatitis and liver failure.

  Everett pushes away from the doorway and moves closer to me until only a few inches are separating us. My palms start to sweat as they clutch tightly to the wood frame behind my back and I stare up into his eyes, the blue color in them magnified and more vivid with the blue scrubs he’s wearing.

  “Are you happy, Cameron?” he asks softly.

  His eyes search my face and I wish I knew what he was looking for. I wish he could see how much it’s killing me not to blurt out how much it hurts that he’s leaving. That I’m scared to death it will change everything between us.

  I swallow thickly and nod my head, afraid to open my mouth and tell him the truth. He’s finally free. I can’t be the one to stand in the way of his dreams.

  “Can you give me any reason why I shouldn’t go? Why I shouldn’t go through with this crazy plan?” he asks quietly, leaning even closer to me until I can feel his breath on my face and the heat from his body.

  I don’t know why he’s asking me this. I don’t know what he wants me to say. Is he having second thoughts about going? He’s always wanted to be a doctor and help people. He deserves this. Does he have second thoughts about leaving me behind? I’m imagining things, I know I am. I want it so much that I’m starting to see things that aren’t there. He’s only standing this close because he doesn’t want the other people at the party to hear what we’re talking about. He’s only looking at me like this because he’s scared about the steps he’s taking to make his dreams come true. There’s nothing else there and I’m an idiot for pretending otherwise. I know he needs to do this. It’s what he’s always dreamed of. If I asked him to stay, he would. I don’t want him to resent me for getting in the way of his dreams.

  “You need to go, Everett. This is everything you’ve ever wanted and it’s an amazing opportunity. Besides, it’s only your residency. Once the next three years are done, you can come back home.”

  He stares into my eyes for a few more seconds before letting out a deep breath, moving away from me, and muttering something under his breath that sounds like “Not ever
ything.”

  He turns away from me, and before I can get a chance to ask him what he just said and what it meant, Aiden comes up to him with a beer. My head thumps back against the wall, and I close my eyes as they clink their bottles together.

  Everett’s dreams are coming true and I just need to focus on being happy for him, being a good friend, and making sure he knows he’s not making a mistake.

  He’s passing me by and there’s nothing I can do about it. I want to grab on to him and never let go, but that would be selfish.

  Why does doing the right thing have to hurt so much?

  Chapter 13

  Everett

  Walking up the steps to the main house, seeing the gas lanterns attached to either side of the front door flickering, I can almost pretend I haven’t been gone for so long. I’ve walked through these doors a thousand times; felt the heat from the lanterns as I walked by; heard the hustle and bustle of staff on the other side of the door; eaten dinner here almost every night with Cameron, her parents, and their extended family of volunteers and campers; and sat out on the sprawling front porch in wicker chairs with Cameron and Aiden after dinner and watched the sun go down off in the distance.

  I felt like a stranger wandering around the camp alone today after Cameron walked away from me, even though I knew where everything was like the back of my hand and still knew most of the workers and volunteers here. But for the first time since I was three years old, I felt like I didn’t belong, because Cameron obviously didn’t want me here. I always felt like an outsider with Cameron’s parents. I always knew they didn’t like me. It never mattered to me when I was a young, dumb punk, always getting into fights and causing trouble, because Cameron’s opinion of me was the only one I cared about. It didn’t matter if her parents didn’t like me because they were just background noise. Cameron was always my main focus.