Heart and the City

by Cecilia Fyre

  “Great, just great,” he grinned. “Listen, I invited your famous boyfriend, too!”

  “He’s not my…oh, never mind.” Lea sighed. “He won’t come, he’s busy.”

  "Didn't sound like he was. Met him in the elevator yesterday, and he said he'd be here." Carmine waved at someone behind Lea. "Hey, Joey! Good to see you, man!" And without another word to her, he hurried away. Lea hardly noticed. There was a fluttery sensation in her belly. Was there really a chance Ricco would show up? And if he was indeed suddenly free tonight, why had he not called to take her up on her offer of going to Sam's? He didn't know that the party had been canceled.

  Lea went to where the drinks were set up. Trying, and failing, to switch off the feeling of disappointment that Ricco hadn’t been in touch she poured herself a glass of white wine. At least she could drown her sorrows on someone else’s expense.

  Taking a large gulp, she turned around, and nearly dropped the glass. There stood Ricco by the entrance, looking around. Happiness bubbled up in Lea at the thought of spending New Year's Eve with him. Never mind that he hadn't called, all that mattered was that they were both here now.

  But then a dark-haired woman emerged from behind him. Lea’s heart sank. He had brought someone. And not just anyone. This was the woman chained to the bed in those photos on his wall.

  Lea froze. He had said that she was an old girlfriend. Why had he brought her? Were they back together?

  Flight mode activated, she scanned the room. There was nowhere to hide in Carmine's open-plan apartment. Ricco and his date were right by the door, so she couldn't slip out undetected either. Lea ducked her head and moved sideways toward the windows.

  “Doc!” Ricco’s voice carried over the chatter. She turned around. Ricco was making his way toward her through the crowd, his dark-haired friend - Girlfriend, call it as it is, you silly cow - in tow. Lea tried a smile but it felt like a grimace.

  Ricco grinned, obviously delighted. A sudden surge of anger gripped her. Had their time together really meant so little that he wouldn’t realize that showing off his date would hurt her? And was this the same man who had called her babe the last time they had parted, promising they’d soon go out again? Oblivious, he now turned to his companion. “Jen, this is Lea. She helped me with my fucked up head.” He frowned at Lea. “Hey, didn’t you have plans tonight? I thought you were invited to a fancy Uptown party.”

  So he remembered she had had plans. Doesn’t he remember I asked him to come along? Lea bit her lip, close to tears. The woman he’d called Jen regarded her curiously. Ricco noticed nothing. He gestured in the direction of the drinks. “You want another, doc?”

  Lea shook her head.

  “Jen?”

  “Rum and Coke for me.”

  Ricco wended his way through the crowd and Jen regarded Lea. “You’re the doctor who took care of him?”

  Lea nodded, still not trusting herself to speak.

  “He’s been talking about you a lot,” Jen said. Her expression was thoughtful.

  “Really?” Lea had to force out the word. She tried not to care about Ricco’s callousness, but it was impossible. She had obviously made an impression, but only because she’d been useful when he was ill. She couldn’t take it anymore, she had to get away. “Will you excuse me, I gotta” With a vague gesture Lea moved in the direction of the exit. She deposited her glass on a table in passing and slipped from the apartment. Nobody tried to stop her.

  Out in the corridor, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. She should've known this would happen. Why would a guy like Ricco be interested in her when he had access to the likes of Jen? She had let her desire override her common sense, and she hardly recognized herself. It was so damn obvious. All Ricco had cared to get from her were painkillers and her medical expertise. You’re surprisingly stupid for someone this clever.

  Lea shook her head to clear it, then forced herself to move. If she hurried she could still catch the subway home before all the revelers took to the streets and made her feel even more miserable.

  “Jen, your drink.” Ricco frowned, glancing around. “Where did she go?”

  “Your doc, you mean?” Jen’s voice was frosty.

  A bad feeling started to form in his gut. “Yeah,” he said cautiously.

  Jen raised an eyebrow at him, her expression forbidding. “She left.”

  His heart sank. “Why? What did you say?”

  “What did I say?!” Jen hissed. “Ricco, think! You didn’t know she was coming tonight, did you?”

  “No.” Now he was annoyed with Jen as well as confused.

  “Where did you think she’d be tonight?” she asked.

  “At a friend’s party,” he said. If she knew what was going on, why didn’t she tell him?

  “And?” Jen prompted.

  “And what?” he snapped. “Jen, what’re you getting at?”

  “I don’t know,” she replied, patience wearing thin. “Did she ask you to come with her, maybe?”

  “I was gonna be with Ciaran,” he protested.

  She sighed. “But you’re not.”

  “No, cuz…” It was beginning to dawn on him. “Oh no! D’you mean… I didn’t think.”

  “That’s pretty obvious,” she sighed. “Oh, Ricco.”

  “So, because you and I—” The implication of what had happened hit home. “Oh god, what do I do now?”

  “Oh good lord… poor girl.” Jen sounded both exasperated and amused. “I should’ve warned her. Men, honestly. Call her, Ricco. Now!”

  “What if she doesn’t answer?” he asked in a shaky voice.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “It would serve you right, you know?”

  Lea took the subway home, and on the way did something she hadn't done once since coming to New York. She went to a bodega near her apartment and bought a huge tub of ice cream, a pack of cookies, and several chocolate bars. These she carried home, both elated at the thought of the impending binge and feeling incredibly frustrated that a man, any man, could make her resort back to this coping behavior which she'd thought a part of her past.

  She locked the door behind her but didn't bother turning the lights on. She dropped her bag, coat, and keys and toed off her shoes on the floor right by the door, leaving her phone in her handbag. It needed charging, but nobody would call her, so why bother? The few people from London who had stayed in touch had all texted hours ago. She set up her laptop by the light filtering in from the street and got a spoon from the kitchen.

  While the computer booted Lea opened the ice cream tub and started eating. The ice cream was so cold it didn’t taste of anything. A freezing lump started forming in her stomach as she absent-mindedly brought the spoon to her mouth again and again, but it hardly bothered her. The familiar routine of stuffing herself with crappy food held even less pleasure than she remembered. Something her therapist back in London had said flitted across her mind. “For you, eating isn't pleasure, it's punishment." She felt a sort of savage satisfaction at the memory.

  Once the computer had booted up Lea opened the browser and settled on the sofa. She thought for a moment, then began to type.

  Ricco Como, Jen

  Her screen filled with images of Ricco and the dark-haired beauty, at parties, out in the street, and the already familiar photoshoot image of her shackled to the bed. She learned that they had broken up over three years ago and that their relationship had lasted eighteen months. On a message board, Lea read rumors about how messy the whole thing had been. An interview Ricco had done at the time caught her eye and Lea stopped scrolling.

  I’m one of those people who, you’re nice to me, and I’m like ‘Move in!’ And then two years later I’m like, ‘Wait. What’re we doing? What’s your name again?’

  Reading this made her sad. He was so casual in describing the break-up. If that’s his attitude to relationships maybe you’ve had a narrow escape.

  But then she remembered his gaze on her, his smile, his sweetne
ss, and the awkwardness that seemed always so close when they had talked. The gentle, almost shy kiss. He had seemed so genuine. Would she really let gossip and interview quotes ripped out of context take precedent over her own experiences and her gut feelings? And anyway, he and Jen seemed to have mended things. It couldn't have been that bad a break-up. Bitterness welled up in her, and her stomach full of cold ice cream gave a painful spasm.

  Clearly, she knew nothing about him. He hadn’t trusted her enough to talk about the strange things going on with his fans. Why would he trust her with anything else?

  What was really going on? Lea had hoped that he would let her get close enough to share in his worries as well as his happiness. How wrong she had been. Evidently, she had completely misinterpreted his intentions. Another woman was still in the picture.

  She was a convenient person to have on speed dial for when he was unwell. Taking her to the gallery, and promising the jazz club date were just a show of gratitude to a friend who had helped him out. Lea tried to think back to all their conversations. Had he ever confirmed that he was single? She started typing in the browser.

  Ricco Como girlfriend

  Instantly, she wished she hadn't done that search. There was page after page of the same rumor. Ricco had been seen making out with Anna Becker in a sleazy New York bar a few weeks ago. Lea had heard of her. A German actress who had made quite a name for herself in the US. The rumors seemed to have been denied by both party's PR teams. Some fans seemed to think that it had been a publicity stunt to promote the movie Ricco and Anna had done together a few months ago, which had premiered just after the bar incident.

  That didn’t make Lea feel better. Was this what people did online, gossip about who Ricco was dating? It unsettled her that he needed a PR team to deal with things like that. Lea thought of Joanne and the night at the gallery. She really didn’t need this sort of crap in her life.

  There was other gossip, too, about Ricco and former female colleagues from Hell Riders, and about him and Pearl, that tall, leggy woman Lea had seen in the hallway the day she’d first met him. Some people seemed to be convinced that they were still together. Well, at least Lea knew this last rumor to be untrue, he himself had said she was an ex.

  But was that the truth? According to Google Jen was an ex, too, and yet they had been at Carmine's party together. That encounter and Lea's online search had brought it home that she really knew nothing about him.

  And then, many pages down into a fan message board Lea stopped dead, her blood turning to ice. A paparazzi photo showed herself, outside that gallery, jostled from all sides and held protectively by Joanne.

  It was bad enough to see herself, looking pale and stressed in the camera’s flashing lights, but the comment underneath the photo made her feel as if someone had just punched her in the gut. ‘Now who is that fat cow?’

  She was still wearing the same black dress she had worn that night. It was still the only non-casual thing in her wardrobe. She didn’t think she looked particularly fat in it, but of course compared with the skinny girls usually photographed with Ricco that was what she was.

  Then her eyes fell on the empty ice cream tub and the chocolate wrappers strewn around her. With shaking fingers Lea powered down the laptop. She picked up the remnants of her binge and took them through to the kitchen. Beside a queasy feeling in her overfull stomach, she had no recollection at all of eating all that rubbish.

  She put the empty packaging in the trash, then went through to the bedroom, stripping off the black dress as she walked. For a moment Lea considered putting her finger down her throat and rid herself of the empty calories. But she had always hated throwing up and had never been very good at it even when she'd binged regularly. Besides, people already thought she was fat. This was her perfect punishment. She didn't deserve to be skinny.

  And she sure as hell didn’t deserve Ricco.

  The first day of the New Year was busy in every ER Lea had ever worked at. On this January first she wasn’t supposed to work at all since she had planned to be out late. As part-time ER staff she landed fewer unpopular shifts, and now that the study had taken off this was helpful. But when she woke at four and couldn’t go back to sleep she decided to go into work. An extra pair of hands on deck would be appreciated on this particular day.

  As she put her things in her locker she realized that she had forgotten her phone. In fact, she hadn’t looked at it since before she’d set off for Carmine’s. It didn’t matter, she didn’t need it in the ER.

  The day was even busier than what Lea was used to from London. She threw herself into work, finding the distraction both necessary and welcome. Not once did she slow down enough to take a break. When she finally left the ER at eight pm and drove home she was numb with exhaustion. She welcomed the feeling. At home, she just about managed to step out of her work clothes before collapsing into bed.

  The sound that woke her at three in the morning was unfamiliar. It had her sitting bolt upright in bed. Heart hammering, she listened.

  Someone was on her balcony!

  Lea crept out from under the sheets. Where was her phone? She slid onto hands and knees and frantically felt for it in the pockets of her scrubs, then remembered that it was still in the clutch bag that lay by the door where she’d flung it after getting back from Carmine’s. There was no way to get to it without being seen through the patio doors. And anyway, the battery was surely dead by now. She crouched on the floor, frozen in fear.

  Someone knocked on the balcony door.

  Burglars didn’t knock.

  Another knock. Then, very faintly, a voice called, “Lea?”

  She got to her feet. Creeping around the bedroom door she peered toward the balcony. The dark outline of a person was visible through the glass. Lea immediately recognized the broad shoulders. “Ricco!”

  Dizzy with relief, she hurried to open the door. Forgotten was their last encounter, so glad was she that he wasn’t a burglar. But as she peered into Ricco’s awkward, nervous face through the glass the memory returned with a sickening rush. She opened the doors but didn’t step aside to let him in. “What are you doing here?”

  Her question came out in a hiss. Even though the moonlight drew the color from Ricco’s face the blush rising in his cheeks was obvious. He only managed to hold her gaze for a second, then looked away, scuffing his feet. When he spoke, his voice was almost inaudible. “Lea, I—”

  She couldn’t believe this guy! “Did you climb over the garden fence?” she growled.

  He nodded, not meeting her eye.

  “But why?” she demanded. “Why not just, you know, ring the doorbell?”

  “Didn’t think you’d open the door.”

  He did have a point there. But still. “How is this better?” She motioned at the dark yard.

  He shrugged, stepping from one foot onto the other.

  “Someone could’ve called the police.” Her voice rose steadily. “Ricco, this is Queens! Someone might’ve shot you on sight! Are you insane?!” She was shouting now.

  His hands bunched into knots and his shoulders hunched up as if he half expected her to hit him. Lea didn’t feel the least bit sorry for him, and for once didn’t find his awkwardness endearing. She was simply livid.

  “I’m sorry, so sorry,” he stuttered. “I messed up… that’s why I came. I want to apologize.”

  “Why didn’t you just call?” she asked.

  “I did,” he said. “You got about a hundred voice messages.”

  That almost made Lea laugh. He probably wasn’t exaggerating much.

  “D’you… shall I just go?” He sounded lost and dejected.

  Lea sighed and leaned against the doorframe. She was freezing, and she was so tired. But she didn’t want him to go, despite everything. “Oh, come in then. My feet are cold, and I’m tired of standing around.”

  She stepped aside and Ricco hurried into the living room. Lea closed the patio door, then curled up under her favorite quilt on the sofa,
as far away as she could get from Ricco and still be in the same room with him. She leaned over to switch on the floor lamp, then fixed her gaze on him.

  He stood without moving, half turned away from her, still twisting his fingers and not looking up. For a couple of minutes, neither of them spoke. Lea made no move to break the silence. She wasn't sure about her feelings, and what she wanted to happen next.

  When he finally spoke his voice was so low Lea could only hear him because everything was so quiet.

  “I fucked it all up. I forgot about your New Year’s party, it’s been so busy, and Christmas—” He broke off. “It’s not very nice with my family. Ciaran’s mom and I don’t always get on. I was stressed. But I should’ve remembered.” He finally looked at her, misery etched into his face. “I wanted to spend New Year’s with you, I really did. I’m an idiot.”

  “A bit, yeah,” she conceded.

  His eyes dulled with sadness. “What can I do to make it up to you?”

  “You don’t have to,” she said automatically. “You don’t own me anything. Maybe it would be better if you just left.” Even as she said it, a stab went through her heart.

  Ricco half turned toward the door, and Lea's heart rate increased. She was mad at him, but she was torn. Did she really want him to go? Before she could tell him she had changed her mind he stopped. "I don't want to do that," he said, still facing the door. "I don't want to never see you again. Do you want that? If you really want me to fuck off now I will.”

  “What about Jen?”

  He glanced around. “That’s the most fucked-up thing of all. She’s just a friend, Lea. I swear. We’ve been finished such a long time, but we stayed friends. She’s told me many times I’m a jerk, and she’s right.”

  “And Anna?” Lea couldn’t stop the question spilling out.

  Ricco looked like he had received a physical blow. “You googled me again, huh?”

  He sounded so defeated, it went right through her. But he didn’t seem angry, just resigned. Shame rose in Lea like bile. “That was low, I shouldn’t have brought her up.”