When did love become pain? the day she sent my world into a spiral, that’s when.
“Are you fucking shitting me?” I ask, not hiding my anger.
“Calm down,” Jennissey begs. “This is what’s best.”
I’m not used to emotional pain. I would rather have the shit beat out of me from one of Marco’s MMA guys down in Florida that come to visit than the hurt inside of me right this second.
“You went and made all these decisions about the future and not one of them includes me!”
Her face pales, and I see my words are a direct hit.
Good!
She did this.
All on her own. This is one hundred percent her fault. Am I angry? Yes. Am I disappointed? Most certainly.
Above all of that, I feel blindsided.
She didn’t think about me. She didn’t think about us. She did what she had to do, what she calls best…yeah, best for her. What about me? What about us? This is a direct blow to me.
If she can do this, she doesn’t love me. She didn’t even consider me, so how can this be love?
She did all these things and didn’t tell me. Weeks ago, she signed her enlistment. She went to Raleigh and did her physical. She swore an oath to serve in the United States Navy, and not one fucking word did she ever share with me.
“Rhett, I have to do this. I can’t afford to go to college, and nothing is here for me in Haywood’s Landing.”
I pace the space of my room in front of her. “Nothing’s here for you? What about me?”
“This isn’t about you, Rhett. Look, it’s just eight weeks of basic training. While I’m in school, I can talk on the phone, you can come see me. When I get my orders, we can start our life there.”
I can’t think straight. She has it all planned out. Plans, I thought we had them too. The kind that involve traveling, getting married, and having kids. Not the kind that mean moving all over and being at the mercy of some commander. She is so sure she has all the answers. It’s not as simple as she thinks.
“What if this isn’t the life I want, Jenni?”
Tears build and quickly fall down her face. “This is what I need to do, Rhett; you might not understand it, but I need you to do it with me. I love you, but I have no future here. The Navy is the future for me, and for Jami.”
She blows out a breath. I can’t wrap my head around this. She’s leaving me. Right after graduation, Jennissey will be gone.
She has no future here. The words play on repeat in my head. Over and over, no future here … no future with me. Words can be weapons, and she has cut me deep with hers.
She didn’t include me in this plan. To say she needs me to do it with her … how? I wasn’t part of her decision. If I had been, then none of this would have been a secret, a surprise.
For what, exactly? She’s going away, why? Really, what does the Navy offer her? If she wants to travel, I’ll work for it and take her wherever she wants to go. If she needs a job, she can work at the garage or the mini storage. We can have a good life here. We can have a good life somewhere else. We can do anything together. This, this is not together. I don’t know what it is other than a pain in my soul, an acid in my veins.
And why the Navy? Why do things on someone else’s plan? They tell her where she has to live. They control everything. I thought she wanted freedom.
How does she see this as a promising future?
“Rhett, I need you to calm down.” She takes a deep breath. “I know I have no right to ask,” she begins and I swear I lose my mind.
“If you think I’m gonna wait on you, then you are wrong. You don’t get to ask shit of me.”
“Rhett, this isn’t about us. I understand in doing this, I may lose you. It kills me, but I know that I may have to sacrifice my happiness for this. While, I’m gone though, I need you to promise me you’ll take care of Jami.”
I throw my hands up. “You just tell me you’re leaving me, and you’re worried about your sister? What the fuck, Jenni? What. The. Fuck!”
My veins feel like fire pumping through my body. The hurt. She doesn’t care about me. She literally drops all this on me and wants to go on and on about her sister. Fuck her sister, what about me? What about us? What about everything we were going to do together? I don’t give a shit about Jami and what Jami does while Jenni’s gone.
“Jamison needs support while I’m gone, and you’re the only person I trust.” Her eyes lock onto mine. “Please,” she whispers.
The desperation in her eyes haunts me.
There is something wrong. What isn’t she sharing? I sense it. There is something she’s holding back.
“Please, Rhett. Hate me forever, but if you love me at all, please, no matter what, look after my sister until I can get her out of here.”
“What aren’t you telling me, Jennissey? Whatever it is, I can help you. This is not your only option. But fucking tell me what is going on.”
“I can’t. Maybe one day, but not until I have Jami out of here. Until then, please, I’ll set you free, Rhett. I’ll wait for you. Whatever you ask of me, I’ll do, but please, while I’m away, watch out for my sister.”
The woman I love is hurting. The woman I love is broken in a way I never saw until now.
“Fine,” I mutter, unable to deny this woman anything. Even though this is killing me inside, I can’t tell her no. “I’ll take care of Jami while you do what you need to.”
“When I get settled, I want you both to come be with me. I hope we can still have a beautiful life together.”
I shrug my shoulders, not sure how to take any of this. I won’t promise her a future. She took that away. This is all too much to process.
I’ve never had someone leave me before, and with the pain I have right now, I’m not sure I can find a cure.
Six Weeks Later
Love is pain.
I miss her with every breath I take. Like an idiot, I still want her. I still dream about her every night when I lay down to sleep. Her picture is still taped to the dashboard of my car by the speedometer. I can’t bring myself to take it down.
I kissed her goodbye that morning in front of the recruiting station before she loaded on the bus to go forward into her future. I told her not to look back.
I let her go.
But inside, I didn’t. Inside, she’s still a part of me. There is an emptiness without her. A longing I can’t explain.
I’m a dick.
I’m the obnoxious fucker you see and then turn the other way.
I’m an asshole on a good day.
Without her, I’m a mess.
I’m the motherfucker who doesn’t give a damn anymore.
The only thing that gets me up every day now is keeping my word.
Jennissey Rose Rivera asked that I keep an eye on her younger sister. Jamison Violet Rivera is nothing like her sister.
She doesn’t stay at home.
I have a tracking system on her phone, and it’s never at their childhood home for more than an hour. Even at night, I’ve watched her sneak out of the window and run off into the darkness. Given I’m prospecting for the Hellions since my graduation these sleepless nights following a teenage terror around are killing me slowly.
I don’t confront her. I keep my distance and make sure she’s still living. I imagine, like me, without Jenni, she feels like she’s merely existing.
The trailer in front of me is busted up. This is not good.
I should have had someone come with me. Never do shit alone, always have a brother at your back. That’s what the preach to me constantly. It’s a big part of the brotherhood.
Except the Hellions don’t know about Jamison.
I managed to graduate four weeks ago … barely. It doesn’t matter, though, I got the damn piece of paper. Everyone is happy about it.
Surprisingly, the Hellions gave me my cut that day, too. I’m officially prospecting for the club. It’s good because I’m nursing the pain of losing Jenni, and the jobs are a
nice distraction. I never thought I would find my place in the club.
Maybe I haven’t.
But this cut, since the moment I put it on my back, I feel the pride in wearing it.
Suddenly, I want to do better, be better, in ways I haven’t before. Could it be the loss of Jennissey that is changing me, or the cut? I’m not sure which, or if it’s both combined, I just know I’m a different man now.
It’s doesn’t mean I’m stronger. It doesn’t mean I’m less of an asshole. Nope, I’m a bitter motherfucker, and a cut doesn’t change that.
She really left me.
The woman I love joined the Navy and thought this was a good idea for our relationship. I still don’t get it. I’ve racked my brain, and it doesn’t make sense.
Since I’m not big on sharing my feelings, no one knows the betrayal I feel. They all think Jenni is doing something to serve our country and that we broke up to give her freedom to focus on her career. No one knows the truth; she ripped my heart out and I’m shattered inside.
She’s called from boot camp, and the fool I am; I answer every fucking time. She only asks the general, how am I? Have I talked to Jami? And the like. Then she tells me she loves me and hangs up. She swears she doesn’t have much time, so we can’t talk about us. She doesn’t get it, there is no us to talk about. She made her choice, and that settled shit for us.
I need to cut her loose. We’re never going to work. Not after she made her decision without me. Everyone tells me what a great thing she’s doing. Sure, I guess to them it is. To me, it simply sucks because it took her from me.
Red, of course, in his mighty wisdom, says she’s young and doing what she needs to for a future. He supports Jenni’s decision. My mom, my dad, fuck, my whole family thinks it’s honorable for her to serve our country.
I think it’s bullshit she left me, and that’s all I care about. She. Left. Me.
Being a prospect means shit jobs, but it also means resources. Since I gave Jenni my word about keeping an eye on Jamison, I have had to call in a few favors. The way Jami gets around all hours, it’s been impossible for me to keep up my life as a prospect where I’m on call for the club at all times and track a fifteen-year-old girl hell bent on running wild.
This also keeps me from having to see Jami—who has Jenni’s eyes—up close and personal on a regular basis. Sure, I check in with her, but each time cuts a little deeper. Mostly, I stick to night duty on Jami and have her other friends report to me what she’s up to.
The eyes I have on her when I can’t be … well, they called thirty minutes ago.
That’s why I’m at this trailer that has seen better days.
Shit is bad.
Every single window is busted out and half the metal on the outside is gone, exposing the insulation. There are a couple of cars out front. Which means there are more people than I care to deal with. Fuck, this is not good in any way.
I should have told someone what I was doing. This could go bad quickly. And I’m out here flying in the wind alone.
Still, I have to do what I have to do for Jenni.
Walking in, I find Jami on a couch with a far-away look in her eyes.
“Jamison, let’s go,” I order as everyone present seems to ignore me, all of them blitzed out of their minds.
“Oh, Rhett, you came to join the party,” Jami smiles, and I can see she’s high.
I don’t smell weed, but the stench in the air is far from appealing. The needles on the floor with the band still tied on her arm let me know exactly what she’s been doing tonight. She’s been shooting up.
Fuck.
I’m a teenager living life to the fullest. Have I smoked weed? Yes. Have I done ecstasy? Yes. Anything harder? No. There are lines I won’t cross.
“Party’s over,” I tell her as I move closer.
She doesn’t even notice me. None of them do. All of them are so blitzed they don’t even realize a stranger has entered the space. How ridiculous? Nothing is worth being this lost.
Jami shifts, and I watch in horror as she picks up a spoon from the floor. Stupidly, I stand in place as she drops some white rocks to the spoon before lighting a lighter under the metal and heating the substance. I have never seen someone use crack before. I’m frozen. Jami does it with practiced ease. The rock heats and melts to a liquid right in front of me.
I don’t know what to do. This is the most surreal moment of my life.
“What are you doing?” I roar as a guy closer to Jami takes a needle and draws back the syringe to fill the liquid from the spoon into the needle.
“No!” I yell as I lunge toward Jami.
With wide eyes, she looks to me, and her hand trembles holding the spoon as she drops the lighter. “Rhett, you’re here to save me.”
The guy grabs the spoon as she takes the needle. “Don’t do it, Jami. Let me get you out of here.”
“I need the escape, Rhett. It’s a small pain, but I promise it takes the edge off, Rhett. I just need to relax. It’s like medicine.”
“Jami, let me get you out of here,” I beg.
She laughs, “You can’t save me, nobody can.” She extends her arm and tugs on the plastic band, making it tighter. “Rhett, I need this. Without Jennissey, I’m lost. I need it.”
Just as she looks to find a vein, my instincts go into overdrive. I don’t think, I react. I grab the needle from her. She leaps up, lunging for me and the drugs.
I can’t let her do this.
In a split second, I do the first thing that comes to mind and jab it in my own arm.
A needle to my vein.
It should have been a bullet to my brain.
Part Two
In the end, they had pain
Seven Years Later
Picking up from Bastard In It
4
Jennissey
Promises, promises—each one more desperate than the last.
Going to my dresser, I reach in the sock drawer. Shuffling everything around, I search and finally find the crew sock I sought.
Something is wrong. It’s not heavy enough.
No.
This can’t be happening again. I’ve been careful. I pull the piece of fabric from the drawer and find what my subconscious already knew … my stash is gone.
The tears begin, but I push down the emotion. I have to. Crying won’t change a damn thing about my situation. The anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the blame I feel for myself for once again not doing enough to protect us both—it all swirls like a storm brewing inside me. Reaching for my phone, I dial her number.
No answer.
This doesn’t surprise me.
She didn’t come home last night.
None of this is uncommon. It’s become the new normal, no matter how hard I try to make it better.
Seven years ago, I left Haywood’s Landing and everything I knew behind to build a good life for my sister and me. It wasn’t a perfect plan, but it was the best plan I had at the time. Things at home were getting worse, and I had to do something, not for me but for my sister.
I had so much hope when I left North Carolina.
The Navy taught me a lot about life, a lot about myself. I was weak, but it made me strong. In basic training, they say they want to break you down to rebuild you. I was already broken. I needed the structure to see exactly what I could make of myself. The Navy gave me security I never had before.
The problem was and still is my sister. She’s my greatest weakness.
Things weren’t as simple as my recruiter made them sound, though. Not where Jami was concerned. In fact, I was not prepared for how they would be in any way.
My whole reason for joining didn’t work out so easily. Really, it didn’t work out at all. No, I had to wait to get Jami with me, the same as I would if I had a regular job and house. She had to be of age to live with me. The only positive difference the Navy gave me was a steady paycheck. I saved every penny I had extra; I knew when Jami joined me it would cost more. I never coul
d have imagined how much more she would cost me.
In Haywood’s Landing, Jami didn’t have much, but she had a house, food, and clothes. Life inside the walls of the house were far from good, but she had a home until I could get shit sorted. I clung to that in order to keep pressing on.
After basic training, I went to my job school as a culinary specialist. I actually found I liked it more than I ever anticipated. Again, I had this hope to have Jami with me. Except, my first duty station sent me overseas. There was no taking Jami with me.
I didn’t rate having a dependent since I wasn’t married and she wasn’t my child. That was the complication. The hiccup in my plan I didn’t foresee. In order to get custody of my minor sister, I would have to open Pandora’s box into our family. Since I couldn’t prove she was in danger without stirring up more shit, we had to wait.
Wait, we did.
When I finally got back stateside, Jami being eighteen, simply left without looking back. Not that anyone fought her about leaving because our parents weren’t going to do all that. It’s not that they wanted Jami or me to leave, they didn’t. It’s just, they weren’t going to stir the pot and get anyone involved in dragging her home when she was a legal adult. I don’t think staying or leaving mattered. Ezra and Courtney Rivera simply live their life day to day, minute by minute.
The adjustment when Jami finally came to me was hard. A new place, a fresh start, I thought it would give her hope and motivation.
At first, it did, but it all quickly faded.
I couldn’t focus on her like she needed. I couldn’t support her emotionally like she was used to. I had an obligation and responsibility to my position in the Navy.
And Jami wasn’t the same Jami I left back in Haywood’s Landing.
Before I could really help her adjust to the life we needed to lead, I was deployed. I didn’t know about her problems. No one told me how things really were. Honestly, I didn’t expect her to fall down the rabbit hole of depression and then drugs in what seemed like a short period of time to me. I know my plan was to be apart months not years, and it didn’t work out, but I never anticipated Jami getting so lost in the mix.
Breathe for It: Hellions Motorcycle Club (Hellions Ride On Book 4) Page 3
