Rhett, though, he could have told me. I tasked him with watching my sister and I trusted him. Yet, he did nothing to save her or warn me of how things were spiraling out of control.
How did he not know? Why didn’t he help her? The bitterness I have for him overshadows the love I once had.
He failed her.
He failed me.
My sister needed me, she needed him, and he didn’t protect her from anything.
I didn’t know about the drugs early on.
Therefore, I gave her full access to my bank account when I left the country. I had no clue I was leaving her with demons she couldn’t battle alone. She wiped me out financially, and not because she was paying the bills.
When I learned of Jami’s addiction, I knew things had to change. Regardless of my dreams or plans, my sister wasn’t strong enough for me to keep moving and deploying. My four-year-term contractual obligation done, I didn’t reenlist.
The dreams I had in high school were gone.
Honestly, I didn’t want to admit it at the time, but those dreams were never going to be something I could chase.
After basic training, I thought I could do this as a full career. I could see myself putting in the twenty years. I enjoyed what I was doing. I liked the opportunity to travel. And the benefits weren’t terrible.
The dreams of life serving my country diminished the moment Jami joined me at that first duty station. She’s my sister, the only family I could count on, so I wasn’t about to turn my back on her then or now.
The struggle to keep a job to provide for us has been hard. I miss being a sailor. I didn’t have a glamorous job as a cook, but I took pride in my work. I had a steady income, which I don’t have now.
At first, I thought I would get out and go to school. That isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I’ve had to focus on just getting us through each month too much to think ahead. The idea of going back to school is nice, but it simply isn’t my reality. I have the GI Bill, and one day, I hope the timing will work out for me to go back and get a full culinary degree. I have found my passion in cooking.
That’s so far ahead of me now, though, I can’t think of it. One day, I’ll see my dreams succeed. Until then, I do what I can for us both.
I sigh and flop back on my bed.
What did she do with the money? Where is she? Is she safe? Is she still breathing? Does she know what she’s doing to me?
I let the tears fall down my face.
Why can’t she just answer the phone to tell me she’s okay?
Our whole lives we have only had each other. The home life we had … it was anything but perfect. I did what I could to shelter Jami, but there is only so much I can do when both of our parents had their own dark pasts and skeletons threatening to come out of the closet regularly. Try as hard as I have, I’ve continually failed my sister.
My phone rings, and I answer it. Even though, I don’t know the number, it’s not uncommon for my sister to use someone else’s phone for me to pick her up when she can’t find her own. She’s lost more phones—or sold them— more times than I care to count. I stopped having a monthly phone plan and just pay for the prepaid ones now. It works better for her.
“Jenni,” she whispers with a crack in her voice. There is a desperation in her tone I haven’t heard before. Immediately, I’m on alert.
“Jami, where are you? Are you okay?” I rapid fire questions and realize I need to slow down and let her speak.
She takes a deep breath. “I need you to come to the police station.”
“What?”
I’ve picked my sister up at a lot of places, most of them not good places, but this can’t be happening. How am I supposed to get her out of this mess?
“I’ve been arrested.” I swear time stops as I take in her words. She rambles on, “I didn’t do what they said I did. It was a misunderstanding.”
I roll my eyes. Yeah, because cops go around misunderstanding the laws. I keep my thoughts to myself; now was not the time to argue.
“What happened?”
“This is my one phone call, Jenni. I really don’t want to talk about this while I’m here. You have to come get me.” She starts to cry. “I’m not strong enough. The women in here are crazy, Jenni. They’re screaming and pulling their hair. Jenni, please.”
What am I supposed to do? How am I going to get her out of this jam? “Jami, I don’t have any money.”
You took it all, is what I want to say, but I don’t. Throwing the shit in her face isn’t going to help the situation. What a mess.
“Jenni,” she whines.
“Jami, I’ve never been to jail. I don’t know what to do.”
She seems to pull herself together. “Another girl in the holdover cell said she was getting a bail bondsman. Can you call one of them?”
“Jami, I don’t even know where to begin with this.”
“Jenni, I gotta go, call the bondsman. They’ll tell you what you need to do.”
I don’t reply because she sounds so casual, like she’s done this before or something.
“Jenni,” she says my name on a whisper. “I love you, Jenni. I’m sorry I keep fucking up.”
“What the fuck, Jami?” I roar, pacing the living space of our tiny apartment. “Solicitation.”
She shakes her head. “Jenni, it’s a misunderstanding. I was asking for a ride.”
She sits on the couch with a tube top that her tits—small as they are—happen to be half falling out of, and a mini skirt that is basically a four-inch band of fabric. Her hair is all over the place, no longer hiding the bald spots she has from it falling out. She’s nothing but skin and bones. She looks like a skeleton walking. Her face is covered in sores, and she looks like death.
“Jami, I can’t afford an attorney. I put up my car to get you bonded out.”
Her knee bounces wildly as she sits twitching. “I’ll pay you back.”
“How? By selling your body? Jami, I told you no more drugs. I told you to get a job. Dammit, I can’t help you if you don’t help yourself.”
“I’m not doing drugs right now,” she tells me rolling her shoulders back.
“Yeah, right this second you aren’t because I just picked you up from the police station! The minute I let you out of my sight, you’ll get something.”
She throws herself back on the couch. “I’m gonna stay clean this time.”
I toss my hands up in the air. “What, for the next hour? You went in so high they had to call their medical team in. I don’t think you realize you were in custody for thirty-two hours, Jamison! You haven’t hit withdrawals yet.”
Her eyes grow wide like they are going to bust right out of the sockets before she jumps up from the couch and rushes to the bathroom.
She doesn’t make it there before she vomits all over herself and the carpet.
“Fuck my life.”
I never in a million years thought this is where I would be at twenty-five-years old. Babysitting my grown-ass sister, yes, this is not in my list of things I ever aspired to do with my life.
5
Rhett
Rock bottom, it’s no place to be.
“Fuck,” I sigh as I pace the space of my construction office. It can’t be put off any longer.
Today is doom’s day.
I fucked up. This is the consequence.
Yesterday was the first Hellions barbecue I have missed in my entire life. Twenty-five-years old and I have never not been at a club function, unless I was on a run.
My dad sat me down a few days ago. The vote came, and this time it was unanimous. My cut is being stripped.
I can’t blame the club. I did this shit to myself. The only person left to be angry with is me. I look around the construction office that is primarily Tommy’s office and sigh. After high school I was lost. College wasn’t for me, but I found a real estate class and got my license. Turns out, I am good at buying and selling homes. So much so, every single brother in the club is now a
proud homeowner and some even have investment properties for rentals. Tommy being good with building is a licensed contractor. We work well together flipping houses.
Too bad I’m burning through the money I make like it’s water. I have a decent savings, but the more drugs I do the less work I seem to be able to focus on. I guess that should have been the sign to tell me shit was out of control.
Sometimes things don’t settle in until the reality of what you’ve lost hits your squarely in the face.
Out of respect for the club, I didn’t attend the barbecue. The one we have every year with all of the charters present isn’t a place for me to be right now. Where the ol’ ladies come out with all the kids definitely isn’t the place for a meth head tweaking out. Like a carnival, everyone enjoys themselves and I want to let my family continue those traditions without the shadow of my shit show looming over them.
I’m a disappointment enough without rubbing my dad’s face in it.
Now the time is here. They are all on their way over. The box in front of me has my guns, keys to the cave, clubhouse, businesses, everything but my cut.
I stand in my office, and I can’t bring myself to take the leather off.
It’s funny because there was a time I never saw my life in this brotherhood. Now that I’m losing it, I feel like I’m losing everything.
Honestly, the day Jennissey left I was crushed. I haven’t been the same man since. But this right here, knowing I’m losing my cut, my family, and everything I worked for, it’s an agony I can’t describe.
Who would have ever thought losing this would bring me to my breaking point? But this is my rock bottom. I get it now. I know when I take off this cut I strip myself of the respect, honor, loyalty, and love that I have taken for granted. Do I deserve to wear it? Nope. I lost that right a long time ago. Doesn’t mean it’s easy to let go.
There’s a knock at the door. “Come in,” I mutter as nervous energy takes over.
I turn to find my grandfather standing in front of me. This is surprising. His hair is long and pulled back in a braid down his back. The strands of gray glisten under the light in my office.
“Rhett.” He says my name and it cuts me to the core. Once I patched in as a brother, I have been known as Crunch. Rhett is the name my mother gave me. Crunch is the name my brothers gave me. Who am I without being Crunch?
“Gramps,” I reply with a nod. I guess they let him come alone as a founding member instead of sending the whole crew to take my shit away. I start to remove my cut, and he lifts his hand stopping me.
“I’m here as your grandfather, Rhett. This isn’t about the Hellions or that cut. I won’t watch them take it from you.”
I see the pain in his eyes. The pain I caused. “I’m sorry,” I tell him knowing I’m hurting him more than even I hurt inside.
He nods. “Rhett, this ain’t about bein’ sorry, son. I need you to know. This ain’t about the cut you wear. This is about you.”
The emotions build inside me.
He continues on, “I love you. Know I don’t say that shit much. Assume you just know it.” He shakes his head as emotions overwhelm him as well. “God saw fit to give me one daughter. You ever wonder about that shit, Rhett? He gave me a girl because I needed to pay penance. Your gramps, for a long time, Rhett, I was a fucked-up kind of man. Mary Alice, she’s a saint to love me like she has. You’re my legacy, Rhett.”
His last sentence is like a knife straight to my heart. I am his namesake. I am his legacy. And I’ve ruined it all.
“Gramps, I fucked up. I know Mom named me after you. But my problems are my own. This ain’t on you. Don’t take this on as your own.”
He stops pacing the room and locks his eyes to mine. It’s like looking in a mirror at the future. “Not about your name, son. Love your momma named you after me, but you’ve been my sidekick and that shit ain’t about a name. We’re cut from the same cloth. Rhett, I did shit no one told you because it’s the past. Even did some time. My soul is not clean. Took some time to atone for the shit I did. But I held strong and fixed my shit. What I’m tryin’ to say is don’t give up. Even as this shit comes to pass today, don’t give up.” His eyes are filled with so much as he continues, “I ain’t givin’ up on you. I love you.”
The tears build behind my eyes, but I don’t dare let them fall. Gramps and I have always been close. He’s right, I’ve been his sidekick. There is no one in the world more important to me than the man in front of me. I love Jennissey, but Gramps he’s always been my person.
“Your whole life you didn’t look up to your daddy, you didn’t look up to the Hellions, you looked up to me.” He poked at his chest for emphasis. “All the shit I did wrong, it replays itself in you. I hate to see you in pain. I hate to see the way you beat yourself up. This shit right now, it’s just a detour on your path, but you get back on track, you get back in the right direction, and Rhett, you can do great things. The kind of shit a man like me only dreams of. Mary Alice said the day you were born you would be the one to give us all a little Hell; but in the end, you’d be the biggest piece of Heaven. Come out of this on the other side, Rhett.”
I shake my head. Grams has always said I would one day be her greatest joy. Right now, I’m her biggest heartache, that much I know. “I don’t know how, Gramps. I didn’t mean to end up like this. Can’t even fuckin’ tell you where it all went so wrong.”
The tears fall and I can’t even try to stop them. I don’t care. I’m a grown man and my life is in shambles. The shame, the guilt, all of it eats at me.
“Gotta let it go, Rhett. Gotta get clean. Go to rehab.”
“It’s out of control,” I finally admit out loud to myself and to him. I have thought it a time or two, but to actually speak the words, it gives it a whole different weight.
“Go to rehab, Rhett. Let me get you in a program.”
“Why waste the money? It won’t work.” Does my attitude suck? Yes. But I won’t lie to myself or my family anymore. I have sucked everyone around me dry, emotionally. Something has to change and it has to change with me being honest with myself and them.
He shrugs his shoulders casually rather than disappointed in me like I expected. “Don’t know if you don’t try.”
“We tried, remember? After I fucked my brother’s girlfriend with a limp cock because I couldn’t even hold my eyes open, much less stay hard. I did the seventy-two-hour detox, and then joined that program with the meetings. And I get no one knows it because Red is fuckin’ the best big brother, but the first time he caught me fuckin’ Shelly not this last time, I went to rehab and it failed.”
He moves to me and grips me at my shoulders. “No, rehab, real deal shit. Not some detox and follow-up meetings. I get that shit works for some people, but Rhett we gotta rebuild your life. That shit takes time. Listen to your Gramps. Go to a thirty-day in-house program. Minimum thirty full days and nights of nothing but treatment. Tommy and I’ll watch over your business.”
“I’m not strong enough,” I admit as the walls close in. “My business is still here. I have work. That will help me focus.”
God, I wish I could explain it. I want to stop. I never wanted to start in the first place. I don’t know any addict who really loves being an addict. It’s not something I aspire to be. The drugs calm me; that’s the problem. They shut down the voices in my head telling me what a fuck up I am.
The fuck up that everyone still tries to believe in.
Four boys.
My mom has four sons.
All of them successful. All of us financially stable.
Each of them emotionally secure, but me.
Four men.
All of them honest, but me.
From her body she gave life to four children.
All of them loyal, but me.
When the fog clears, I look in the mirror, and I can’t stand the man looking back at me. How can anyone love me? How can anyone respect me?
I’m a liar.
I’m a
thief.
I’m a cheat.
I’m a bastard.
I’m all things rotten to the core.
I’m tainted.
There is no amount of rehab to fix the inside of me. I’m grateful my Gramps still believes in me, but I know the man who stares back at me in the mirror and that man is Humpty fucking Dumpty. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put me back together again.
Movement happens outside the door, and immediately I know, my time is now.
Red, my older brother, walks in first with Tripp, the club president, and my father—Tank, the VP—behind him.
“Danza,” Tripp greets with a nod.
The air crackles with tension
My father steps closer to me. Danza raises a hand stopping him. “Wait.”
I look to my grandfather. We have discussed this. My whole family and I. My cut was supposed to be stripped when I relapsed. They gave me a second chance. This is my third shot, and I failed the club. Technically, it’s my fourth, but Red still hasn’t rattled the skeletons in my closet about the first time so to them this is my third strike.
Danza looks to me. “Built this brotherhood on loyalty. Built this shit on necessity to protect what belongs to us. You belong to me, Rhett Rebel Oleander. You were born to be a Hellion.”
I nod because I know all of this, but I still can’t seem to hold onto it. No matter how hard I try, it always slips right through my fingers. There was a time I was a punk teen and I didn’t think I wanted this shit. When Jennissey left, the club became my escape. I gave everything into being a prospect. Even when I was burning the candle at both ends looking after Jami, I still did all my shit jobs because the club mattered. In the end, I couldn’t keep my shit together though.
My day of reckoning is here. My penance to be paid is now.
“Can’t let ‘em take your world away from you and leave you with nothin’. It’s not what the Hellions are about. I’m not gonna let ‘em break you as a man.”
Breathe for It: Hellions Motorcycle Club (Hellions Ride On Book 4) Page 4
