Then it hit her. He wanted her more than he wanted a child of his own flesh and blood. This thought hammered home exactly how obsessed with her he had become.
Yet, despite his sacrifice, Raina wasn’t ready to process the heartbreak this meant for herself. Mateo would never let her go, would never allow her to seek out the opportunity of having a baby. He loved her too much. And if she was being honest with herself, she loved him too much to leave. But the truth that he just laid on her was shattering.
"I'll never have a baby." She looked up at him, tears shimmering in her eyes, catching a glimpse of his own grief before he shuttered the emotion.
Mateo kneeled at her feet, lifted her hand and kissed the palm. Wordlessly he stood, gave her a long look and then left the room.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Raina wandered listlessly through the mansion unsure of what to do with herself. She wasn't sure if she was in a state of shock, acceptance, grief, or anger. She thought probably shock since she couldn't seem to process her feelings.
After Mateo left, Raina had stayed in the bedroom in an attempt to avoid him. She tried to busy herself with his latest romance novel, Christina Dodd’s The Prince Kidnaps a Bride, but she couldn't seem to settle into it. After a few hours of pacing the room, taking the longest shower of her life, and spending extra time on her hair, makeup and clothes, Raina figured enough time had passed that she could leave the bedroom. She walked down to the kitchen and stood staring at their fully stocked refrigerator for nearly ten minutes before deciding that she wasn't hungry.
Raina wandered the house and the grounds and then she went in search of Giovanni. He wasn't the one she wanted to discuss her problem with, but he was a houseguest and someone deserving respect, it was her job to make sure he was comfortable and happy in her home.
But when she found Angela sitting in her office, Raina discovered that Giovanni had left for the day. Apparently, he and Sotza had set up a meet and were going to discuss some transatlantic trade. Raina stood looking at Angela for a few uncomfortable minutes. Though she didn't know who was uncomfortable with those minutes, Angela seemed unflappable and Raina was too much in shock to feel anything. She considered unburdening on Angela but decided that their friendship was still at a vulnerable stage, not the cry-all-over, trash-talk-the-bad-boyfriend and eat-a bucket-of-ice-cream-together stage.
Raina closed the door to the office and left Angela to herself. She decided to try and work for a couple of hours. She sat down at her desk and pulled out the proofs for a set of fake passports under the name Kevin Glad. Of course, that wasn't the man's real name. "Kevin" needed fake passports for Australia, South Africa and the Senegal.
Raina had been curious when he commissioned her and had done some digging on the dark web. She discovered that her new client was wanted for trafficking women and children. Raina judged him. She judged him big time. She also made the decision to risk her reputation by giving him detectable papers. Meaning, he would be stopped the second he tried to enter a country with his fake passports. He would be extradited to his home country and put on trial.
Raina hoped there would be no damage to her reputation, but she knew in her heart that she would never be able to allow a man like “Kevin” free and easy movement throughout the world. She was going to put a stop to his activities, even if she had to do it single-handedly.
Working on the passports helped ease Raina's mind. She became so absorbed in her art that she didn't have the capacity left over to dwell on a future that had become suddenly more bleak. After a few hours she finished up the commission and set the freshly done passports aside.
"Now what?" she asked the empty room with a miserable sigh.
It was now two o'clock in the afternoon. She should be hungry, but she didn't think she could stomach food quite yet. Raina had always been an emotional eater. But she was also an emotional non-eater. When she felt anxious or depressed, she wanted all the food everywhere. But when she felt like this, like there was a gaping hole in her chest, she couldn't touch her meals.
Raina only felt this way twice before. Once, when she was a child and she found out that her kidney failure had become so acute that she'd have to have a transplant. The second time was when she was around fourteen and found information that confirmed she was adopted. At the time she had thought that her birth mother had abandoned her. She hadn't understood why Elvira had given her up and Raina fallen into a deep pit of angry despair.
Yeah, that was exactly how she felt. Angry despair. She was angry because her fiancé had made a monumental decision about their mutual future without consulting her. And she felt despair because she knew that despite the steps he took to ensure she would never have his child, she still loved him too deeply to contemplate leaving him. So, she was left with this deep aching hurt inside. A hurt that she didn't know how to get rid of.
Finally, Raina decided that she needed to do the healthy thing and contact someone who could talk her through the feelings. Someone who could give her the comfort she needed during these dark hours until she could reconcile herself to the idea of never having a baby.
Raina called Vee, but her birth mother had been distracted and cool on the phone. Apparently, she had been part of the meeting with Sotza and Giovanni and was anxious to get back to it.
"You can adopt, sweetie," Vee said, somewhat impatiently. "I understand that this was a shock. But Mateo is not wrong. Your body is delicate and fragile, we don't know that it can take the stress of birth."
"That isn’t the point!" Raina growled her frustration. "He should have at least talked to me. It’s my body, I should be the one who decides. He can't make decisions like this for both of us."
Vee sighed deeply. "Raina, I sympathize, but you need to face reality. You’re about to become a mob wife. Your duty is to your husband. As much as it galls me to say it, you will be expected to obey. You have a husband who adores you and will do anything for you. He’ll lay down his life for you. That's not something common in our world. Don't make any rash decisions without considering this. Mateo won't let you leave, but he can make your life miserable if you don't cooperate."
Raina felt like her mother refused to understand her point of view. Vee was speaking from her own life experience. She’d had deep trauma after the abuse she suffered at the hands of her first husband, Tony Montana. She’d risen up to become a fierce queen, but it was obvious that her inner scars were not yet healed.
Raina murmured her thanks for Vee's advice, said goodbye and ended the call. She took several deep breaths, swiped at her eyes and reminded herself that Vee loved her deeply and would always be on her side.
Then Raina made the even bigger mistake of calling Diane. She poured her heart out to her adoptive mother, even telling her about Vee's unsatisfactory reaction. Unfortunately, Diane’s emotions went in the complete opposite direction. She was devastated by the news, possibly even more so than Raina. She cried and mourned the loss of grandchildren. Finally, Diane calmed down enough to offer her small bit of advice.
"You can adopt," Diane said with a sniffle, a glimmer of hope in her voice. "Why didn't I think of that right away! We adopted you and look how wonderful that turned out? There's no reason why you can't do the same."
Raina shook her head. "Would you have adopted if you were still deeply entrenched in the Miami crime scene? Or would you have felt terrible about keeping a child who could have gotten adopted by perfectly normal parents, living a perfectly normal and safe life. Would you take that chance away from a baby? Bring them into a life where they could be hurt, or expected to become something like an enforcer? I don't think I can do it."
"Oh dear, I see what you mean." Diane started crying again.
Raina listened to her mother, attempting to comfort her.
Raina supposed having a baby would have the same outcome as adoption. She would be purposely bringing a child into a life filled with danger. But somehow, giving birth was different. As though if she gambled with the possibility
of pregnancy, it was out of her hands when it actually happened. But that wasn't taking responsibility. No matter what, the idea of children growing up around organized crime was a murky one. Perhaps Mateo was right, maybe not about the vasectomy, but about not bringing babies into their world.
Raina decided to call her best friend. That was who she needed. A good dose of someone who would agree with her no matter what. Who would be angry and sad on her behalf. She would be happy on Raina's behalf too.
Whatever Raina needed; Cassie would give.
Raina tapped her contact and waited for her to pick up. At first Cassie had been livid on Raina’s behalf, calling Mateo every name in the book and threatening to march down to Miami to castrate him. Her wildly imaginative descriptions of what she would do to Mateo made Raina laugh out loud until she felt better. After a while Raina felt the need to defend Mateo. Then, Cassie switched gears into ‘let's fix this’ mode.
"I understand your reasons for not wanting to adopt, but what about having a surrogate baby? I'm sure it's not something you've thought of, but you should. Then you can have one of your own without putting strain on your body and leave the moral decisions behind." Cassie sounded proud of her ability to find a compromise.
Raina laughed. "And who exactly is the surrogate supposed to be? Do I post an ad on Facebook for one? How would that even work?"
There was silence on the other end of the line, stretched until it became awkward. Raina wondered if she'd missed something. Finally, Cassie said in a serious voice, "Me, of course. I would never allow you to accept a baby from anyone else. Not when I'm perfectly healthy and willing. It would be an honour to create such a precious gift for you."
Raina was floored by Cassie's suggestion. She'd known that her best friend was a wonderfully unselfish person, but Raina didn't think she'd ever given Cassie the real credit she deserved. This was beyond anything she could've imagined.
Raina wanted to argue, wanted to talk Cassie out of it, but in the face of such a heartfelt gift, even if it turned out to be a thought and not a reality, Raina could only say one thing. "Thank you. I wish I could hug you so tight right now. You are the best person I know."
Cassie was sniffling on the other end of the phone. "I feel the same about you. You're my person, Raina. No matter what happens, you will always be my person."
They remained silent for a minute and finally Raina took a deep breath and said, "This is way too heavy for a couple of twenty-one-year-old girls that should be enjoying spring break on a beach."
Cassie burst out laughing. "Spring break was a month ago. You're such a drop out."
Chapter Forty-Nine
Mateo smiled tightly as Sotza strode toward him. Sotza clapped him on the back. "Good to see you, my boy."
It wasn't often that Sotza became even remotely effusive with his affection, but it had been months since the two men had seen each other. Sotza had recruited Mateo when he was a young teen. Until he went hunting for Garza and then over to Italy, Mateo had never spent more than a few weeks at a time away from the Sotza compound. Over the years, Sotza had become a father figure to him.
Since Sotza's arrival in Miami, he and his wife had been busy hunting the elusive Desi. Mateo had been otherwise occupied with his Miami takeover. The two men decided it was high time they meet.
They agreed on one of the clubs that Mateo was inheriting in his takeover. It was big, flashy, gaudy, everything Mateo despised. He was not a club man, nor would he ever be. Unless Sotza ordered him to hang onto the clubs, they would be the first thing he would sell off. He'd invest the money in a series of restaurants where it would be less of a headache to move illegitimate money.
"This place brings back memories." Sotza glanced around the cub as they made their way to a back booth, both sliding in to take a seat.
"Yeah? Been here before?" Mateo didn't really care, but his boss was one of the few people he was willing to put in lip service for.
Sotza gave him a shrewd look. Sotza knew of Mateo’s antisocial tendencies but appreciated the effort. "This is where I first met my wife. She walked in that door," he pointed at the front entrance, flooded with Miami sunlight. "She had two bodyguards flanking her. She walked right up to me as though she owned the world and looked down her long nose like I was lower than the gum she might scrape off her high heel."
Mateo snorted his amusement. "Like mother, like daughter. Sounds like the look Raina gives me when she's pissed off."
"And have you managed to piss off my stepdaughter?" The question was casual, but Mateo could sense an underlying curiosity. Though Sotza was old school in many ways, he wouldn’t force a merger if he didn’t think the couple was happy.
Mateo appreciated the position that Sotza was in now. He was stepfather and protector to his wife's grown daughter. He also held a genuine affection for the girl. Yet, he had watched Mateo grow up and flourish under his regime. Though they never spoke the words, Mateo was aware that Sotza held great love for him. Mateo felt the same for his boss. He loved and respected Isaac Sotza. There wasn't much he wouldn't do for the man.
"I would guess that she gets mad at me about as often as your wife gets mad at you," Mateo said with some amusement.
Sotza raised an eyebrow. "So it hasn't been a cakewalk then?"
"I wouldn't want her half as much if she acted any other way. That attitude is gold to a man like me. She's a fighter. If she didn't put up a fight once in a while, I'd wonder what was wrong. I'm not an easy man to deal with, and there are times I'm hell on her. She balks at the constant restrictions, but she understands the why of it."
Sotza nodded and waved over a server who hovered nearby. Both men ordered a drink and then lapsed into silence. Sotza was the first one to break it. "Sounds like I don't have anything to worry about. You'll take good care of her."
"Nothing else matters more to me than Raina." Though his words were meant to reassure Sotza, they were also the boiled-down truth. Nothing did matter to him more than Raina. She had become his entire world from the moment she confronted him on the campus when he kidnapped her. She had fought him like a wildcat, until he’d been forced to take her down to the ground and subdue her. The moment had been both illuminating and breathtaking. He had looked down at her face, screwed up in anger, her glasses askew. His lonely heart had found its mate and from that moment onward, beat for two.
"I believe this to be true." Sotza gave his blessing.
Two years ago, after Mateo kidnapped Raina and took her back to Venezuela to live with her parents, Mateo had gone to Sotza. He had asked his mentor to give Raina to him. Sotza had been taken aback by the question. Mateo didn’t speak of his personal life, let alone ever mention wanting a woman. Sotza had even admitted to wondering about Mateo’s sexuality. Mateo hadn’t taken offence, as up to that point he had kept any liaisons both simple and brief. If he met a woman he wanted physically, he fucked her and then he walked away. He rarely went back twice.
But Raina had changed that. It was as though his body and soul had lain dormant until her arrival. The sight of her, her scent, her sass, everything about her had instantly locked him down. Until then, Mateo had scorned the idea of love at first sight. Now, he knew it to be true.
Sotza had agreed to Mateo's request, but on one condition. "You give her time. She's young, still a teenager. She isn't used to our world or used to men like you. She grew up in a loving household with good solid values. Her time here has been a shock. I believe, given more time, she will come around to appreciating our world; appreciating the opportunities the organization can provide. She was born for this. I have no doubt that when her day comes, she will shine."
While the rational part of Mateo agreed with Sotza, his heart screamed at him to take the woman and consequences be damned. It had taken every ounce of strength not to leave that office and hunt Raina down, take her back to his place and stake his claim. Instead, he had calmly asked, "How long?"
"As long as it takes." Sotza's words had been uncompromising and
Mateo had made the decision to step back and give Raina the time that her stepfather requested. He reminded himself that he was doing it for her.
His gamble paid off. He now had Raina, they’d each declared their love and were planning their wedding. Even though she was pissed at him about the vasectomy, he had no doubt that once the storm passed, they would find their way back to each other. She was too generous and compassionate not to forgive him. Especially, since he’d done it with her in mind.
The thought of getting a vasectomy had not once crossed Mateo's mind until he had researched Raina's condition. As soon as the realization hit him that giving birth could cause physical damage to his future wife, he made the decision without a second thought. He checked himself into the hospital and voluntarily elected to have a vasectomy. The doctor had frowned at him, asked him if he had children and tried to dissuade him, given Mateo's age at the time. He’d been thirty-four, healthy and virile.
But Mateo didn't give a shit about that. All he cared about was Raina and that she have a long and healthy life. If she had to do that without children, then so be it.
In an effort to divert the course of their conversation, Mateo said, "You met our guest, Giovanni Savino?"
Sotza took a long sip of his drink, then set it down on the table and looked at Mateo, an amused glint in his dark eyes. "An interesting man. He wants the world to believe he’s an enthusiastic eccentric, but I believe he uses this flamboyance to lure people into a sense of complacency. I’ve heard rumours of his brutality. He’s not the kind-hearted gentleman he makes himself out to be."
Mateo agreed with Sotza’s assessment. “He wants us to think he’s harmless, but his position suggests he’s anything but harmless. Though I do think he feels genuine affection for Raina. You had a lucrative meeting?"
Born a Queen (The Queens Book 3) Page 27
