Say You Want Me

by Van Mol, Stefanie

  He looks at the condom in his hands. “Maybe I didn’t tear it,” he adds, a bit feebly. “Maybe it just slipped off when I pulled back.” He takes a closer look. “Yeah, I think that’s it.”

  I’m not sure he’s right. To me it sounds like he’s just reassuring himself and me. Besides, how stupid could I be? This wasn’t part of the plan – sleeping with Jonathan. Why am I not on the pill? For years I’ve been telling myself it was time to start, but because I never had a serious relationship, I never thought it was necessary. A tear rolls down my cheek, and Jonathan immediately leans toward me and pulls me in his arms. He lets me have a good sob before he lifts my chin with his finger and forces me to look up him.

  “Everything will be all right, Camille. No matter what happens, I’ll never abandon you. If anything happens, we’ll figure it out.”

  It takes a while for Jonathan to calm me down. He laces his fingers through mine and takes me with him to the shower. I realize that the moment to tell him the truth keeps coming closer. I’m not looking forward to that moment at all, but I can’t keep putting this off. But for now I’ll settle for taking a shower with him.

  * * *

  Jonathan and I are sitting in his car. He’ll drop me off at the apartment before going to the sound check. Tonight they have a gig, and Jonathan made sure there’ll be tickets for me and Karen at the register.

  When we arrive at the apartment building, Jonathan parks right in front of the main door.

  “You sure you don’t want to come up for a minute?” I ask seductively.

  Jonathan puts his hand on my cheek and caresses my lower lip with his thumb before putting his mouth on mine. His kiss makes my toes curl and other body parts come to life. “I wish I could, baby, but I don’t want to be late. The other members will kill me if I am.”

  I love it when he calls me baby. Oh, who am I kidding? He can practically call me anything he wants, and I’d be okay with that.

  “Then I’ll guess I see you later?”

  “See you later, baby.”

  * * *

  A few days ago I attended a rock concert for the very first time, and now here I am again, standing next to the stage, looking at Jonathan. He’s on a roll: I can see his arms moving frantically as he furiously beats the drums with his sticks.

  I still can’t believe how much my life has changed in the last few days. When Karen and I were preparing for the concert I told her all about my night and morning with Jonathan. Everything’s happening so fast, and it feels like I lost control. Karen reminded me again that I should tell Jonathan the truth. And I’m going to; just not tonight. Tonight, I want to enjoy the two of us before everything collapses in on me.

  When we arrived at the ticket booth before the concert, Jonathan turned out to not just having made sure we had tickets – they were VIP tickets! Karen was beside herself when the lady at the register handed her the tickets. Because of the backstage tickets, she’ll be able to spend some time with Mike. Even though I’m still not sure what their relationship is evolving into, I’m happy for her.

  When Mike let us in, he took me to Jonathan’s dressing room. He’d knocked on the door and let me in. As soon as my eyes landed on Jonathan, I knew I was lost.

  He looked absolutely breathtaking. He had this knowing grin on his face, because he realizes exactly what kind of effect he has on me. No matter how happy he was to see me, we only had a few minutes before he had to go on stage. And so here I am, standing near the side of the stage, watching him perform. Although…’watching’ may not be the right term for what I’m doing right now. I think I transformed into a teenage fangirl who’s gaping at her biggest idol. All these images of him when we were young keep flashing in my head. He was always the one to make me expand my boundaries.

  He was the one to teach me how to rollerblade; he even made a solid effort to try to teach me how to do skateboarding. But after that first nosedive he decided that his heart couldn’t take watching me fall like that. Of course a lot of years have passed by now. Years in which we didn’t see each other, and still it feels like nothing changed. Like we didn’t lose all those years.

  For the entire concert my eyes stay focused on him. And every time he looks at me, the most wonderful smile appears on his lips. I recognize that smile from the past. When he used to look at me like that, I was always in for trouble.

  When the notes of the final song fade away, all the band members go off stage. Jonathan doesn’t hesitate for a second. He takes my hand and leads me to his changing room. With one hand he closes the door behind us, and it falls shut with a loud thud. He pushes me against it, lifts my dress up so I can wrap my legs around his body. His mouth inches closer to mine, and before I realize it I can feel his lips against mine, kissing me passionately. The thin fabric of my dress shudders against my body when I inhale a deep breath through my nose. His strong, manly smell lights my body on fire. Fireworks blast through my entire body, and the tension that hung between us the whole evening seems to be heading for one big explosion.

  Holy guacamole!

  This man kisses like he’s possessed. His lips devours mine, and I’m sure they’ll be red and swollen after this kiss.

  He moves back a little bit, giving me the chance to catch my breath. He pulls his shirt over his head with one hand. His strong body appears, and I feast my eyes on him. What a body! I admire his strong abs and can see the V in his muscles, pointing toward his bulging erection. Before I can blink my eyes, his pants are also gone.

  “The whole evening you’ve been driving me crazy with those looks you gave me,” he tells me breathlessly. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to play the drums while sporting an erection?”

  He grabs the hem of my dress and pulls it over my head. Because a bra would be too visible under this dress, I decided not to wear one, and as soon as I see his raw look raking my body, I feel my nipples harden into two hard buds that beg to be touched.

  “Oh hell, you’re lucky I didn’t know you weren’t wearing a bra. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to finish the concert.”

  He roughly takes my wrists and pins them above my head. He pushes his body against my breasts. His chest hair tickles my naked skin. It feels like I’m melting. Luckily he has his other arm around me to prevent me from melting into a puddle on the floor.

  “There’s something about you I can’t resist,” he tells me, while spreading my legs so I can feel his erection pressing against the inside of my thighs.

  “I don’t know...” I answer breathlessly, not minding the fact that he handles me more roughly than he ever has before. His tongue enters my mouth, my wrists feel sore because of the way he’s holding them. I love the fact that he just takes what he wants. Everyone always treats me like I’m made of glass, like I’m about to break any second. But he doesn’t, and I enjoy every second of it.

  “I do know,” he answers firmly. I can feel the tip of his cock pressing against my wet folds through the lacy fabric of my underwear. I fantasized about this for years, but never in a million years was my imagination as good as this feels right now. I hear a noise in the hallway, pulling me back to the present and making me aware that I’m half naked, kissing with Jonathan in his dressing room. Someone could come in and see us like this. Suddenly, I’m ashamed of what I’m doing. I jerk away out of his grasp and push him aside.

  Panting for breath, we face each other.

  “What if someone comes in?”

  I hardly recognize my own voice. It sounds too hoarse. His erection is huge and certainly ready for some action. I walk to where my dress is lying on the floor. I can’t look at him right now; not at his face and not at his beautiful body. I feel hot and bothered. Most of all I want to run through that door and go home. What if someone had caught us?

  When I try to put my dress back on, yanking it over my head in a hurry, I feel his hands on my hips, pulling me closer to him. He kisses me tenderly in my neck, but it feels like he’s branding me. I close my eyes and sigh. I can
feel the anger seep out of me. The only thing I can focus on is the warmth of his touch. He takes the dress out of my hands and throws it back onto the floor. His soft lips keep kissing my naked skin.

  “Jonathan…”

  He turns me around, and when our eyes meet, I get lost in his look. His eyes are filled with desire. Desire for me. He looks at me the same way he did during the entire concert.

  “I want you, Camille,” he demands.

  He resolutely pulls me toward him and kisses me passionately. My hands go up to his face. He touches every inch of my body until I go crazy with burning desire for him. I push myself against him, because I want him, and he knows it. Sweat beads on his skin. It tastes spicy when I lick it. He smells masculine. I keep licking him everywhere. Further down, until I’m down on my knees, in front of him, taking his shaft in my hands and closing my lips around it. I lick and suck on him while he grabs my hair and starts fucking my mouth.

  I barely recognize myself. Never before have I felt this kind of lust for someone. I forget where we are; that’s what he does to me. When I’m near him I just seem to stop thinking. I can only give in to the desire to be near him. Right before he’s about to come, he pulls me back up and pulls me upright before him.

  Standing in front of me, he kisses me again. His hands stroke my legs down to my ass until he reaches the soft fabric of my lace thong. He takes it in both his hands, and with a small, powerful tug he rips it off my body. He bites my cheek and keeps me heated with desire. All that’s left of my thong is a small, ripped piece of fabric, so he drops it at my feet. When I look up at him and our gazes collide, he has this look in his eyes that I never noticed before. He looks at me like I’m the most precious thing he ever had. It makes me feel wanted.

  He caresses my breasts with all the desire that runs through his body. They peak up just to get his attention. He slowly gets down onto his knees and his hands roam all over my body. He licks my breasts, bites my nipples. He reaches between my legs and lets one finger disappear deep inside me. He starts to finger me relentlessly. He keeps going faster, deeper and harder. I hold onto his shoulders for dear life, until I can feel my desire pooling out of me all over his hand.

  Panting, I let him support me while he guides me towards the sofa. As I tremble, he lays me down on my back. He spreads my legs, and I can see the heated desire in his eyes while he looks at me. He radiates sex. His body, his facial expression, his body language—everything about him screams sex. And the only thing I want right now is to feel his cock buried deep inside me. I’m prepared; I’m no longer afraid and I’m on the pill. I’ll take no more chances.

  This time it’s my turn to make demands. “Take me.”

  It’s like I’m not myself anymore. But the satisfied smile that appears on his mouth makes me forget everything. My pussy is so soaked that he easily slides inside of me. I let out an animal growl as he penetrates me. Hard and relentlessly, he starts to thrust deep inside me, and I grip his hair for some support. On impulse, I pull my legs up and bite his shoulder to keep people outside from hearing my moans, and I let my fingernails drag over his back. That doesn’t leave Jonathan indifferent.

  He stands back up, pulls me up and flips me around, placing me on my hands and knees on the couch. Without hesitation he takes me from behind, and before I can even catch my breath he slaps me on the ass, hard. With every slap I feel a little more aroused. I feel like I can’t take anymore, so I put out my hand behind my back to try and stop him, but he takes my hand and wrenches it onto my back while he keeps slapping me with his other hand. I just try to hold on with my free hand and enjoy the ride.

  Screaming out his name at the top of my lungs, I come.

  A shiver runs through me. From the roots of my hair to the tip of my little toes. Never before have I experienced this kind of rough sex. He turns my head around and slips his tongue into my mouth while he keeps thrusting in and out of me. I can’t seem to get enough of him; he breaks down all my walls and makes me let go.

  “Jonathan, my God.” I let go completely. How could I not? This irresistible man has given me more pleasure than I ever experienced before.

  “So many times I wondered what it would be like to have you under me…” Jonathan says. He gets closer to me so he can cup my breasts with his hands. I moan, frustrated when he withdraws from inside me.

  “Hush, I’ll take care of you,” he tells me.

  In some kind of strange way, I do trust him. He flips me back onto my back and penetrates me again. He continues to take me, all the way in, all the way out, all the way in, all the way out…

  He’s driving me insane. Crazy with pure, blinding lust.

  “Don’t stop!” I scream.

  Jonathan does as I say and keeps going. Relentlessly he continues to drive in and out of me. I grip his hair in my hands, gripping his sweaty body with my legs, trying to pull him deeper inside of me. I explode with a loud groan. My legs begin to tremble against him.

  That’s all he needs. With one final, deep trust, he comes inside me. Exhausted, he lands on top of me and I loop my arms around him. All of a sudden I’m so scared he will leave me when he finds out why I’m really here. I’m scared he will run out the door that he just pressed me up against to kiss me like a maniac.

  * * *

  I’m too tired to stay awake any longer. Jonathan took me with him to the afterparty, but no matter how badly I want to stay, I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.

  “Karen, are you going home with me? I’m exhausted.”

  When I glance over at Karen, I notice she’s staring daggers at someone on the other end of the room. I follow her gaze and see Mike standing there, talking to a girl I’ve never seen before. Oh crap; I hope Karen and Mike aren’t having a fight. Karen keeps looking at Mike while she replies: “I can’t get out of here fast enough.”

  Jonathan pulls me in his arms for a hug. “You want me to take you to your apartment?”

  “No, that won’t be necessary. It’s not that far from here, and it’s the two of us going back together. You stay here with the band, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  With one final kiss, we say goodbye to each other before Karen and I walk out. By the time we’re a few blocks away from the concert hall, Karen still hasn’t told me anything about what’s going on between her and Mike.

  “Are you okay?” I inquire.

  “I don’t know what it is with Mike. Until a few days ago, we were inseparable, and this morning he told me he needs more space.” Her voice sounds so sad.

  I don’t think I understand the situation either. I saw the way Mike looks at Karen, and I think it’s time for the both of them to admit they have real feelings for each other. They’re so much more than just friends; I don’t know why neither of them wants to admit that.

  “You want me to beat him up for you?” I say in my toughest voice.

  My mission succeeds when I spot a faint smile on Karen’s lips. “That won’t be necessary.”

  With the back of her hand she wipes away her tears, and we keep walking toward our apartment. We’re almost there when two girls block our path. The tall blonde one on the right shoves me against the shoulder.

  “I think it’s time for you to stay away from Jonathan. This has been going on long enough now.”

  I blink a few times. Who does she think she is? I don’t recognize her, so I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before.

  “And you are?”

  She laughs, mocking me. “I’m Jonathan’s girlfriend, Sofia.”

  Wait; did she just say she’s Jonathan’s girlfriend? I look over at Karen questioningly and she gives me the same look back. I’m too surprised to say anything. Fortunately Karen’s here with me.

  “Look, Barbie, I think it’s best for you to take it easy and calm down. If you have a problem, I suggest you talk this over with Jonathan,” she says.

  Apparently Sofia has other plans. She takes a step forward, grabs a lock of my hair, and pulls hard.

  “Listen,
bitch. Jonathan is mine, and I want you to stay away from him.”

  She pulls my hair again, so hard that I fall down on the ground. Once I’m down she kicks me with the heel of her shoe, her blows landing on my ankle. Pain radiates through me. Karen immediately jumps between us, and Sofia and her friend run away, laughing. Karen squats down beside me. She looks pissed.

  “Camille, are you okay?”

  One look at my ankle and it’s clear I’m not okay.

  “Should I call Jonathan?”

  “No. Is there anyone else we can call?”

  Her face gets a painful expression. I know the only other person she can call here is Mike, and I know she doesn’t want to contact him. But she does call him in the end, and gives him instructions not to tell Jonathan. We sit on the curb together, waiting for Mike to arrive.

  * * *

  Karen and I walk into the hospital. Although I wouldn’t call it walking, exactly. I’m leaning on Karen’s shoulder and try to hop forward on just one leg. Thank God there’s a nurse, headed for us with a wheelchair. I carefully sit down and put my feet up in the footrests.

  Mike took us to the hospital. He insisted on coming inside with us, but Karen wouldn’t let him. And I’m glad she didn’t. I don’t want him or anyone else to see me like this. I wonder how long it will take for Mike to tell Jonathan. Right now I don’t want to think of Jonathan. As soon as we got inside the hospital, I remembered: I hate hospitals. The bright, shiny, white lights, the green color that’s just everywhere, the chemical smell of disinfectant. I don’t just hate the way hospitals look, I hate the depressed atmosphere.

  When I saw my ankle after Sofia attacked me, I knew it’d be bad. The stabbing pain, the swelling of the ankle—it really does hurt terribly. I'm just not sure what hurt the most: my heart or my foot.

  What if that girl is really Jonathan’s girlfriend? Would he have really spent the last few days with me like this if he had a girlfriend? Or is she just some kind of jealous groupie? So many questions are running around in my head.