A Father's Dreams

by Andrew Petoski

  “Did you pick up the house at all?” I ask Ed. “Any beer cans or bottles or anything that I may have been drinking?”

  “No. After I got you to bed I just passed out on the couch right away and then made coffee this morning. I’m not your maid. Any mess in this place is yours to take care of,” I nod in agreement and confusion as to having no answer to the puzzle. Looking at the time it’s pushing eleven.

  “What time is Dr. Schuder today?”

  “She wants you in by noon. She has some other patients to see too but wants you there early to do a few things before she sees you later this afternoon.”

  “Okay,” I reply. I grab an older cinnamon doughnut from its container on the counter and begin to eat it. The things are small so I end up eating about five of them. They just go so well with coffee, and it helped keep my mind off things. I fill my thermos with my next round of coffee and look over to Ed and sigh.

  “Alright, I’m ready to go if you are,” I tell him.

  “Good, let’s get going then,” he replies, getting up and grabbing the keys to the truck. Guess he’s not going to let me drive quite yet. Can’t say that I blame him.

  We arrive at the office, and Ed checks me in. I usually have to wait a while before being seen but today an assistant tech came out right away. Ed got up and handed me back my keys. I look up at him as he spoke.

  “Good luck buddy, you’ll do fine. Just stop by the shop when you’re done and fill me in,” he turns and walks to the front office door.

  Looking up, I face a person I have never met whom is waiting for me to tag along. Reluctantly I get up and begin to follow.

  I’m led to a small room with no windows. There is just one table with a chair on either end and a laptop on the counter to my right.

  “Before you see Dr. Schuder today she wants to run some tests for you.” The assistant gathers booklet after booklet and then takes a seat in front of me.

  “Have you ever taken a Ink Blot Test,” asks the assistant?

  “No,” I respond.

  “It’s pretty simple. It’s like those ink blot tests you see on TV. I just show you a picture and you tell me what you see.”

  “Okay, let’s dot it,” I nod. She starts holding up first black and white blotted cards but then moved into a few colored ones. I just blurted out the first thing I saw each time. “Bat, two people, bear, leaf, islands,” this continued for the next five minutes or so until all the cards were done.

  “Okay now where going to go back through and I’m going to have you explain how you saw what you just told me,” we repeat the process going through the cards in the same order. This time I would hold the cards and point to the outlines or smudges that reminded of the shapes of the objects I stated earlier. This took a little longer and kind of made me feel a little crazy for creating images in my mind out of just a bunch of random spots.

  “Alright, good job,” the assistant praised. “Now I’m going to give you the computer for the next two tests. For the first one, random letters will flash on the screen and every time you see an x press the spacebar.” Seemed simple enough. I positioned my pointer finger on the spacebar and began to concentrate on the screen. The assistant pressed a couple buttons, and then the test began. The letters were huge and bold, even on the laptop, taking up the majority of the screen. I had no trouble during the first half of the test, pressing that spacebar every time an x popped up. The last half turned out a little more tricky, but I still did well as several x’s would flash in a row and then I’d get tricked with a t or something similar popping up and my reflexes would still make me press the spacebar, even though I knew in my brain at the same instant it wasn’t an x. It seemed like the test took a long time, but it was finally over.

  The assistant left the room a couple minutes into it but there was a camera up in the corner where I was probably being monitored from. To kill the time while waiting for the assistant to get back I got up and just started pacing around the room. I ended up looking through those little health pamphlets they had displayed on the wall, “Steps and Benefits of Quitting Smoking,” “Signs and Symptoms of Depression,” “Eating Disorders,” and several others. I got through all the pamphlets and was still waiting.

  Bored out of my mind I looked at the poster diagram of the human body behind the door, then I quickly figure that would be a bad idea. If the assistant came in she’ll knock right into my peering head. With that in mind I walked over to the bookshelf and started reading the titles of all the medical books that were displayed. I spotted the Ink Blot Test box tucked into the corner and beside that was a very thick book, DSM-IV. The door opens, and the assistant walks in.

  “All done?” she asks walking over to the computer.

  “Yup,” I respond, standing back up and walk over to the assistant to spy on what she was doing. All she did was close the test I was on and opened a new program.

  “Now for this one there’s going to be a series of several hundred questions.”

  “Several hundred?” I ask.

  “Yes, but it shouldn’t be too bad because they’re all true and false. Just go with your first gut instinct as you read them and either hit “T” for true or “F” for false. I may be in and out a couple of times to check your progress so just try to ignore me and keep plugging away.”

  “Okay,” I respond. I stretch my hands, cracking my knuckles then take a deep breath in and out before sitting in front of the laptop, once again.

  It took almost two hours to answer all the questions. There were questions about my childhood, family members, sex, work, some really out of this world things, along with a ton of general stuff that I don’t even remember. The assistant came in once during the test when I was on about question three hundred twenty and did not return until about five minutes before I had finished. She took a seat in the corner of the room and patiently organized my next battery of tests while I finished.

  The next ones went pretty quick. There were scaled questions about how I was feeling and a shape test where I had to fill in the gap for patterns. Then came the memory tests. I would be told a story, and then I would have to repeat it back. Then I had to remember a list of words, then a list of numbers forwards and backwards. In all, the testing took about three and a half hours.

  “You can take a break in the waiting room while you wait for Dr. Schuder now. We’re all done with the tests for today,” the assistant told me. Thank god, that was grueling, boring and just plain took forever.

  I scooted my butt out of there before she could change her mind and give me more tests. I sat in my usual corner of the waiting room and searched by the front desk for the clock. Two forty-seven, not as bad as I thought it would be.

  There is a coffee machine opposite of me, and I haven’t had any lunch yet. Getting up, I filled myself one of those small dinky cups they had. Instead of my usual black, I loaded up the cup with about eight packets of sugar and a couple creamers so I would have the energy to get through the rest of this. Stirring my concoction, I spotted them. Right on the other side of the coffee machine were chocolate chip cookies. Looking around to make sure no one was watching I picked up three of the sweet morsels and headed back to my seat, careful to set the cookies to my right keeping them out of view of the rest of the office.

  I took a sip of my sugar with coffee and inhaled the first of the cookies. Having a serious addiction to sugar, I would be set until called back again. In the twenty-five minutes I waited before Dr. Schuder arrived to get me I went through three cups of sugar coffee and five cookies. Starting to get the jitters and my anxious nerves kicking in I topped off my cup of joe and made the dreaded walk to her office, trembling a little more with each step for whatever she was bound to tell me today.

  Nervously, I sit down in the love seat. Setting my coffee on the floor next to me I watch Dr. Schuder as she skims through my tests at her desk. After a couple of minutes she gets up then comes over and sits down in the old ornate chair across from me.

  “So
I got a pretty concerned call from Ed yesterday and he told me everything that happened, but I want to hear your experience,” Dr. Schuder did not seem as sweet in this moment as she normally does.

  I take a deep breath and swallow before I start. Beginning with when I fell asleep, I tell her of my dream up to the point where I got pulled over and the kids were not there anymore.

  “Now you know the kids were never there to begin with Ben, yes?”

  “Yes, I know they were never really there. I was dreaming the whole time, but I don’t know how I got there from my house,” I reply.

  “Well we gave you a lot of tests today which will give me a clearer picture of everything but it will take me about a week to get through it all. In the meantime I think the simple explanation is that you were daydreaming. Lots of people daydream and many sleepwalk as well. We may be looking at a sleep test for you as well. Have you ever sleep walked before?”

  “No, never,” I tell her. Going over my memories I try to scan for a time where I moved from my bed or chair while being with Hadley or Matt but still nothing came to mind so I repeat my answer. “No, I cant ever recall a time it happened before.”

  “Neither can I through all our years of sessions. Were you drinking yesterday?”

  “No more than what is normal, so about three four drinks throughout the day. Nowhere near enough to be blitzed, much less black-out drunk.”

  “That’s what Ed thought too after he looked around your place. That and you probably would have ended up in jail with a DUI instead of just a ticket. So, I’m hoping this was a one time event. I’m going to prescribe you a medication that should help eliminate any future daydreams. It’s a stimulant that you will take and will help keep you awake and alert throughout the day. Now this means no more naps, but we have to be careful. You can still visit with Hadley and Matt at night. We’ll also keep in mind that sleep study. Now you have to tell me or come in immediately if you find yourself doing any kind of sleep walking so we can expedite the study.”

  “Sounds good,” I reply.

  “Now I know it’s only been a couple days since you last saw me so let’s catch up on a couple other things we don’t normally get into,” she said.

  “Okay, like what?”

  “Well, are you still receiving your PTSD disability benefits from the state?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do they have any future reassessments scheduled.”

  “No they’re considering it permanent.”

  “Are you able to handle your finances by yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  “Any thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else?”

  “Just the normal passing thoughts of hurting her but nothing I would actually act on. No planning or anything like that. Just wish she was out of the picture,” I tell her.

  “Well I would say those feelings are normal given what you’ve been through. Do you have any interests or hobbies?”

  “Well I’ve started working on the car again in the garage. It runs but I just want to get it tuned up better. That, and I’ve still been collecting things for Hadley and Matt.”

  “That’s great that you’ve been working on the car. I would encourage you to do that more, especially since you won’t be able to get those naps in anymore. You need something to keep you busy. Now with collecting for Hadley and Matt, are you still keeping all those items locked up in that room?”

  “Yes,”

  “Have you ever considered selling those items?”

  “No, I’d never get rid of them.”

  “They’re not taking up too much space?”

  “No, everything fits in the one room with plenty of space to spare for more.”

  “Okay, just make sure the collecting doesn’t turn into a fire hazard. If you don’t wan’t to sell it, and it becomes too much you may want to consider getting a storage unit to put their stuff. Doing so may also help you separate reality from them.”

  “I’ll consider storage if it’s too much but I’m always going to have at least some of the stuff there because I need that aura around me.”

  “Okay. How much time do you spend in the room?”

  “Only a couple minutes at a time to put new things in there.”

  “That’s great, So no more sleeping in there, locking yourself in the room, anything like that?”

  “Nope, just putting stuff in there then I lock it up. Keeps everyone out so it’s left alone.”

  “Good, well I squeezed you in today, and the next patient has been waiting this whole time so I’m going to have to cut us off for today. I’ll call in your new script, just go and pick it up from the pharmacy. You’ll start taking it once a day in the morning with breakfast starting tomorrow, not tonight or you’ll have trouble sleeping. So once every morning starting tomorrow okay?”

  “Sounds good doc,” she smiles at me as we stand up together and shake hands. “Til next week,”

  “Til next week,” she replies while I walk off.

  I go outside, and my truck is still sitting right where Ed parked it. No sign of Ed though. Can’t say I blame him. Who would want to sit around for those four hours just waiting? Taking out a smoke, I notice my hands are still trembling. All the testing and Dr. Schuder were good distractions at the time, but I’m shot now and just want to pass out somewhere. But no, I have to keep up until tonight. No more naps. Fuck, I want to spend time with those kids right now.

  This is going to take a lot of control to not sleep during the day, but I’m too scared of driving off into traffic or something worse. So I have to hold out and listen to Dr. Schuder. She’s never been wrong before and has never been so adamant about anything, so I know she’s serious. That and I don’t want to end up in the looney bin, drugged to the point that I never get to visit with Hadley or Matt. That’s the thought that really scared me the most.

  Finishing my cigarette, I fumble with the door handle but manage to open it. Knowing Ed had put the keys somewhere for me, I check the visor first and nothing. Second guess was the center console, and, sure as shit, under my wallet were the keys. Starting up the truck, I sit there and light another cigarette in hopes of resetting myself. With the radio turned up and rock music thumping, I began to fall into the music, and my nerves began to calm.

  Driving off I decided to go straight to Ed’s to thank him for last night and today.

  As I hoped, Ed’s shop was open when I arrived. It’s only a couple blocks from the office, so he must have walked over to open up after he dropped me off. Walking in, I spot Ed behind the counter.

  “Hey Ed.”

  “Hey Ben,” he responds to me. “How are you?” I approach the counter. There’s a couple people in the store, but no one is within earshot. He spots me looking around. “Do you want to talk in the office?” he asks.

  “No, I’m fine here. Doc said it was probably a one time incident as I have no history of sleepwalking or moving while I daydream. She wants to set me up for a sleep study in the future just to be sure. She also prescribed me some uppers to keep me awake throughout the day, so no more naps.”

  “I’m sorry to hear you don’t get to see them during the day anymore,” he says meaningfully.

  “Thanks, but like Dr. Schuder said, I still get to visit with them at night.”

  “Good for you, that’s the spirit Ben.”

  “Thanks,” I reply. “Well I just wanted to check in and say thank you before I ran by the pharmacy.”

  “You’re welcome,” says Ed.

  “I should probably get going. Tomorrow’s Saturday, right?”

  “Right.”

  “You want to come over after you close at noon and help with the car? She’s running, but the carb needs some tuning. It would be great to have your wise mind around.”

  “I should be able to. If I’m not there by two then you know something came up.”

  “Thanks Ed, hope to see you tomorrow.” I give a wave off and chime myself out the door.

  The pharmacy line is o
ne of those drive-thru types. When I’m bored and have nothing to do I’ll go inside and browse, but I just wanted to stay in my safe truck and get home.

  There was only one car ahead of me, but it still took like eight minutes before it became my turn to pull up. I gave them my name, and a few minutes later the pharmacist came on the speaker going over all the directions. “Take one in the morning, by mouth, with food… blah blah blah.” I’ll read the label when I get home.

  “Okay, thank you,” I respond when he goes silent.

  The small bag is handed to me, and I pull out.

  Once home I grab the small bag and turn on the grill before walking inside. Tonight is definitely a grilling night. I grab some chicken, barbecue sauce, and a beer then head back out into the fresh air.

  The grill sizzles as I put on two chicken breasts. The barbecue sauce is just dumped on and spread around with the spatula before I flip it as the meat turned white. Sometimes I would wait until the chicken was fully done then shake it in a bag full of barbecue sauce, but I am craving that charcoal semi burnt flavor right now so application while on the grill was a must.

  I dine by myself on the front porch, setting up one of those folding chairs for myself. Eating my semi-burnt chicken, I relax with my beer and stare at the school just down the road. Been a hell of a couple days and I can’t wait to get into bed and visit with Matt and Hadley.

  The sun soon goes down behind the city trees, and I head back inside with an empty plate and finally full belly. The dishes can wait til tomorrow but my dreams cannot, so I set my plate on the counter and hurry to my bedroom. Briefly, I stop at that locked door. I kiss the door while resting my hand above my head on it, then walk away.

  My bed is not made, but I don’t care. Instead I ensure I lock the door behind me to prevent any type of escape then ensure the window is still locked. Afterwards I walk around the bed to my favorite side, stripping myself down along the way to my boxers. I then crawl into the familiar sheets and wait for the night to overcome me.