The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Bathing

  I can’t remember the last time I took a shower without complaining about the fact that I had to take a shower. I don’t really like water or being wet, and I just find showers . . . boring. If you, like me, think showers can go kick rocks, I have some good news for you: You probably don’t need to shower quite as much as you think you do! Experts agree that Americans over-bathe.14 Frequent showering may actually be doing more harm than good, as it can wash away the good bacteria that naturally exist on our skin, dry out and irritate skin, and introduce small cracks that put us at a higher risk of infection. So if you’re a shower hater, you can probably skip the daily shower and take one every two or three days—which is something! (And if showering every two or three days is still kind of a struggle, I have some tips in Chapter 5 that might help.)

  BE SAFE, PLEASE

  I love safety and I will not apologize for it. So many “silly” and preventable accidents can seriously derail your life (or just cost you a lot of TME), and showing up for your body means doing the basics to protect it. Here are some small things you should be doing to stay injury-free.

  Don’t text/read while driving.

  Please, I’m begging you.

  Don’t even think about falling asleep or leaving your home with a candle burning.

  Gah, I’m getting angry just thinking about this!!!!

  Wear your seat belt.

  Literally all the time. Including when you’re in taxis or ride-hails. (The number of people who don’t buckle up when they get into a cab never fails to shock me!) The fact that you’re just making a short trip in a residential area or in slow city traffic isn’t an excuse; according to the US Department of Transportation, “Seemingly routine trips can be deceptively dangerous. Most fatal crashes happen within 25 miles from home and at speeds of less than 40 mph.” So yeah, I’m definitely that person who won’t get into a car if there aren’t enough seats/seat belts for everyone.

  Wear a helmet when you do any of the following:

  ride a bike, motorcycle, snowmobile, scooter, or an ATV

  play a contact sport (hockey, football, etc.)

  roller skate, Rollerblade, or skateboard

  bat, run bases, or play the position of catcher in baseball or softball (when I see people near bats/balls without helmets on, my blood pressure spikes)

  ride a horse

  ski or snowboard.

  I don’t care if you think it looks dumb! Safety is no joke!!!

  Exercise

  Surprise: I don’t hate exercising! (I do hate that it necessitates more frequent showering.) Finding a way to move your body that you enjoy—or can simply tolerate—enough to do regularly can be a big aspect of showing up for yourself. According to the Mayo Clinic, 150 minutes (two and a half hours) of moderate exercise a week can help you feel less stressed, less depressed, and less anxious; it can help you sleep better, make you feel better, improve your cognitive function, and lower your risk of death from all causes. That said, exercising can be a big source of shame, anxiety, pain, and stress, or it may simply be low on your list of priorities. Opting out of exercise might actually be how you need to show up for yourself, and that’s OK, too. Ultimately, your relationship with exercise and your specific exercise routine (or lack thereof) is yours to define, based on your priorities, values, health history, abilities, current circumstances, and lived reality.

  I lost a lot of TME in the war against my body over the years, and I’ll never get it back. The only thing I can do about it is forgive myself and try to do better going forward. When it comes to exercise and showing up, here are some of the lessons I wish I’d learned sooner.

  Exercise doesn’t necessarily have to be fun from start to finish—some days, working out is work—but it shouldn’t feel punishing either. And the days it feels realllly sucky should be few and far between.

  “It shouldn’t feel punishing” extends to the emotional aspect. Some gyms are fairly hostile places and don’t welcome diversity of body size, race, gender presentation, or ability levels. If you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or just generally shitty at your gym, in a particular class, or with a specific instructor, it’s going to be hard to do it regularly. (And even if you do manage to, it’s coming at a significant cost to your overall well-being.) It’s OK to walk out of a class before it’s over; to quit a gym; to stop trying to make yourself like running; and to refuse to entertain the idea of doing CrossFit.

  Your form of exercise (or exercise in general) doesn’t have to be your whole identity—and, in fact, probably shouldn’t be. Yes, you should find a way to move your body that is sustainable, but the fact is, our lives, schedules, and interests change; our knees get bad and injuries and pregnancies and surgeries happen; and there will likely come a day when you can’t do a particular activity anymore (or simply have to take a break from it). So paradoxically, being open to the idea of changing course when necessary actually makes it easier to stick with exercise in general throughout your life.

  Routines and goals are great . . . until they aren’t. There have been many times in my life when working out twice a week would have made me feel a little bit better overall, but because I couldn’t work out five times that week, or because I knew I had a trip or a busy period coming up (meaning I wouldn’t be able to exercise consistently all month) I simply didn’t bother at all. I regret this approach! Now I try to plan less and live more in the present. I ask myself, What can I do this week (or just today) that’ll make me feel better, regardless of what I did last week and what I’ll do next week? And what if that’s all I need to worry about for now?

  If you want to exercise to be physically healthier, Anne Poirier, a strength training and eating disorder specialist, suggests starting with the why—that is, what specifically do you want your body to be able to do that could be achieved through exercise or movement? For example, do you want to be able to walk longer distances without getting tired so you can visit a particular city? Or so you can feel better while on your feet all day at work? Do you want to be more flexible so you can get down on the floor and play with your kids more easily? So you can experiment with different sex positions? Defining your why can make it easier to stay motivated, and to work out in a way that feels positive and affirming.

  Be creative, curious, and willing to change your idea of what “counts” as exercise. Years of reading women’s magazines and consuming popular media led me to me believe that exercise only “counted” if it looked and felt a certain way—a way that was absolutely rooted in how exercise would make me look. Now I know—not just intellectually, but in my soul—that the amount of exercise necessary for me to attain basic health benefits is not nearly as hard or as time-consuming or as sweaty as I convinced myself it was. It can be difficult to open yourself up to the possibility of other forms of exercise that make you feel good, that you can love and enjoy, even if they don’t raise your heart rate to a certain level or change your appearance in any way. But discovering those types of exercise can be truly transformative.

  These days, I know I’m genuinely showing up for myself through exercise if said exercise is ultimately creating more space—not less—for all of the other good things in life I want to experience.

  The 2 x 2 x 2 Approach

  Anne Poirier recommends a 2 x 2 x 2 approach to movement and exercise to her clients. Here’s how it works.

  Two days of being mobile.

  Twice a week, spend some time moving through the world, in whatever form of mobility is your default. Poirier recommends walking/being mobile because it “promotes independence,” a sentiment I love. Note: There’s no set duration for this—you can do it for ten minutes, or stop to rest five times throughout.

  Two days of play.

  Twice a week, do something you like to do, that brings you joy and pleasure. It could be walking around a museum or park, playing tag, dancing, or splashing around in the pool. Again, it’s not timed and there are no real rules.

  Two days a week o
f functional movement.

  Twice a week, do something related to that reason for exercising you established earlier. So if your goal is to be more flexible so you can get down on the floor and play with your kids, your functional movement might be stretching or doing yoga. If you want to be able to be on your feet all day without getting tired, maybe this is when you power walk.

  The 2 x 2 x 2 approach invites you to move most days, but that movement is less about how you look, or outdated “rules” about what exercise should look like, and more about living a more comfortable, more joyful life.

  I Endorse: Body Neutrality

  I am happy to see that after a decade messaging around loving your body—messaging that is quite often delivered by brands and/or conventionally attractive women—the term “body neutrality” is on the rise. Because here’s the thing: Loving your body is a big ask, particularly if your body doesn’t conform to established standards, or if your body has betrayed you in some way. Body positivity sounds great in theory—but given how hostile society can be to people who look or are different, it’s understandable to feel insecure, and to wish your body were different.

  Anne Poirier says that body image is a spectrum, and that body neutrality can be seen as a resting place within all the noise—the noise of self-hatred, and the noise of “you need to love yourself.” She says it can be particularly helpful if the idea of loving your body is so far from where you currently are that you can’t really envision ever reaching that point.

  Body neutrality invites you to focus on what you can do with your body instead of what it looks like. (And if your body can’t do as much as you’d like it to, or as much as it once did, Poirier suggests celebrating what it can do while also allowing yourself to grieve what it cannot.) If you’re trying to reach body neutrality, here are some practical exercises that Poirier recommends.

  Choose an empowerment phrase that “feels OK” (not perfect! just . . . OK!) and that you can repeat to yourself regularly. Some of her suggestions: “My body does things for me.”

  “My body deserves respect.”

  “My body deserves to be taken care of.”

  “I’m doing the best I can.”

  “I accept myself as I am right now.”

  “This is me.”

  When a negative thought about your body pops into your head, reply with, “Thanks for sharing” or “That’s not helpful for me right now.” You don’t have to talk yourself out of the negative thought; the goal is simply to notice it.

  Write a letter to your body or to a specific body part. It doesn’t have to be a love letter, either—you’re allowed to be critical here. But once you’ve done that, it’s time to write a letter to yourself from your body (or from that same body part). That’s right—you have to ask your body for comment!!! Your body’s rebuttal might contain sentiments like “I protected your child for nine months” or “I am strong; I carried you around Paris for a week” or “I let you have orgasms even after you tried to drown me in tequila too many times to count.”

  Close your eyes and think about the people you really like, and list what you like about them. Is their body on the list? Probably not, right? Then think about a few people who really like you, and what they like about you. Do they just like you for your body? Again, probably not, right?

  The goal with this exercise is to develop a better relationship with yourself. Noticing, acknowledging, and maybe even befriending your body as it is is one of the best things you can do to show up for yourself.

  Track Your Habits

  If you’re trying to take better care of yourself, it’s worth documenting what you’re doing and how you’re feeling. There are many different ways to do this, but my go-to is a monthly habit tracker in my journal. I’m partial to a graph format with the dates written on one axis and the items you’re tracking on the other. You can create something like this in your own journal or through a good old-fashioned spreadsheet.

  But there’s no singular “right” way to track your habits! You could just as easily use an app or a digital or paper calendar. And if the monthly view seems overwhelming, time-consuming, or like it might stress you out more, try tracking at the daily or weekly level instead.

  Regardless of your setup, here are the big categories to think about when creating a habit tracker.15

  What you’re experiencing physically.

  This might include things like migraines, headaches, nausea, bloating, sleepiness, insomnia, hunger/appetite, periods, hangovers, crying, and breakouts.

  How you’re feeling emotionally.

  Some moods you could make space for: tired, irritable, sad, depressed, angry, sensitive, distracted, happy, content. You may also want to note any days where you experienced conflict (with, say, a housemate, partner, or family member).

  Daily behaviors that affect how you feel physically and emotionally.

  This might include medications, hours of sleep, hours napping, servings of alcohol, servings of caffeine, TV/streaming services, minutes of exercise (and/or particular types of exercise), showering, teeth brushing, chores (like making the bed), phone use (or certain app usage), time spent in nature, socializing, religious activities, and conversations with difficult people.

  As my colleague Anna Borges has reported, checking boxes when you do something healthy for yourself can be motivating, but the purpose of tracking your habits isn’t really to achieve your goals . . . it’s to be able to see patterns. When everything is in a single place, you can start to make connections between, say, drinking alcohol and feeling sad, or getting migraines and getting your period. A tracker also helps you notice frequency. It’s remarkably easy to tell yourself something isn’t a “serious” problem when you don’t have the data in front of you; documenting your habits gives you a fuller, more accurate picture of yourself and your life.

  If you do decide to attach some goals to these habits, make sure they are realistic and attainable. Otherwise, you might find yourself getting discouraged if you “mess up” early on in the month. The tracker should be less about achievement and more about collecting information. Think of it as a tool that can teach you something about yourself and help you take better care of yourself.

  Six Things That Are Definitely Self-Care

  Eating lunch alone at work

  Laughing at your own jokes

  Masturbating

  Flossing

  Blocking and reporting trolls

  Sitting on your bed for an hour in your towel, doing nothing*

  * Unless doing this means you’re running late for a function or event and thus will feel extremely stressed once you get up and start getting ready

  I Regret to Inform You: This Shit Works

  I have been writing for a decade about how to live your best life—and reading about it for even longer—so I’m extremely familiar with the suggestions that show up in every single article and self-help book and Reddit thread, regardless of what your specific problem is. Whether you’re dealing with a breakup or anxiety or unemployment or bad body image or burnout, the same solutions show up again and again: Exercise. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Don’t drink too much. Meditate. Practice gratitude. Take a vacation. Get off social media. Volunteer. Take your meds. Go to therapy.

  If you’re the one in need of a solution, this advice can feel incredibly disappointing. It’s so frustrating to be told that you just need to start working out when your life is in goddamn shambles. Like, Don’t you think I’ve thought of that????

  But here’s what I’ve noticed again and again, in both myself and my friends: Just because we’ve thought of it doesn’t mean we’ve actually fully considered it, or that we’ve made a good-faith attempt to do it. And so often, the reason we aren’t trying it is because the advice feels simple. Yes, we want to feel better, but we also like thinking of ourselves as complicated creatures whose unique problems couldn’t possibly be solved by something as obvious as going to the gym or making a gratitude list every night. We
want to believe that our problems are too big for the scientifically backed, tried-and-true, “basic” solutions to fix. Instead of giving the clichéd advice an honest try, we brush past it and seek out alternative options—options that are typically more complex, more expensive, and less tested, but that do have the benefit of being new and fun and exciting. Or, worse, we’ll do nothing. We’ll decide we know more than the experts or the people who have experienced this same thing already, and conclude that we are simply unfixable.

  Is that self-sabotaging? Sure. But I think it comes from a place of wanting to protect our tender hearts and egos. It can feel more vulnerable to say, “I feel broken but I am fixable” than it does to say, “I’m so broken, I’m simply beyond repair.” The former asks something of us and can make us feel small and afraid, while the latter validates our struggle and feels kind of righteous. And when things aren’t going our way, that righteousness feels good.

  To be clear, I don’t believe every problem can be solved by working out or drinking more water, nor do I think serious problems or health issues should be met with the ol’ “Have you tried essential oils?” sales pitch. But I do think if you are prone to magical thinking with regard to feeling better—and you tend to avoid taking care of your body as a result—it really is worth giving the self-care practices in this chapter a shot. Of course this shit doesn’t work all the time, in every situation, for every person. It doesn’t even always work for me! But in general, this shit works.

  Chapter 4