The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  My reaction to this was astonishment, immediately followed by, “Actually, yeah, that checks out.” It also made me realize exactly what had been bothering me about certain conversational patterns I was in with friends. It wasn’t talking too much about them that was making me feel a bit miffed. It was that we were talking extensively about their coworkers or our mutual friends, so I wasn’t really getting a chance to share my stuff. It wasn’t intentional—my friends are very conscientious and self-aware—and the tenor of our convos wasn’t negative or gossipy (quite the opposite, in fact). But the conversations were still leaving me feeling kind of disappointed, and I finally understood why: We were dedicating too much airtime to people who were not us.

  This isn’t to say you can never talk about other people; there are a lot of great discussions to be had about mutual pals, family, celebrities, and politicians. But since learning this, I’ve been paying closer attention to the ways in which conversations are often dominated by talk about not-present third parties, and trying to reel it in when it’s happening at the expense of talking about the person I’m with.

  Build a routine.

  If you want to see your friends regularly, consider setting up a standing hangout day/time. Even if you have to reschedule occasionally, it’s still helpful to have something on the calendar holding you accountable. You could also opt to always do the same activity or meet at the same place so you don’t have to do the extra work of figuring that out each time. It’s OK—nice even!—to build intimacy through routine and familiarity.

  Keeping It (Somewhat) Positive

  Keep complaints and criticism in check.

  You don’t have to be relentlessly positive with your friends; in fact, being cheerful all the time can ultimately come across as out-of-touch or dismissive. But being around endless complaining is exhausting and can still bring the other person down. For example, if your friend selected a restaurant for lunch and then the server was rude, your order came out cold, and you never got your drink, and you just keep repeating “Ugh, this sucks” and “I’m so disappointed” and “I can’t believe how terrible that service was” over and over, it can start to feel like criticism to your friend, who feels responsible for your displeasure, even if it’s clearly not their fault. Remember: If you have a complaint, you have a request. So take your request to the appropriate party and then move on!

  Be mindful of how you talk about other people/other friends in front of them.

  No one wants to open up to someone who is insensitive, judgmental, or gossipy. If you’re constantly sharing other people’s business, talking shit about mutual friends the moment they leave the room, or just being snarky, it makes everyone trust you less. On more than one occasion, I’ve had friends say really unkind things about other people and not realize they were insulting me in the process. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust this friend, and it fundamentally changed how I viewed them and our relationship.

  Remember that intimacy isn’t transferable.

  Just because a friend loves you and feels super comfortable around you, and you love and feel comfortable around your significant other, it doesn’t mean your friend wants to open up to your S. O.—or that your S. O. wants the friend opening up to them. Remember that your friends might not want to discuss personal topics while your partner is around or be OK with your sharing the things they told you in private with your partner later. And if you want to be close to a friend’s S. O., you have to do the work to build trust and intimacy with them as an individual.

  Believe what they tell you.

  If a friend is telling you about a personal experience, avoid interrogating them or taking the devil’s advocate position. (The devil doesn’t need more advocates!!!) Become known as the friend who says, “I believe you,” especially if your friend has never given you any reason not to believe them. (Which is the case more often than not!) This includes the seemingly small stuff too—like, don’t continue to hound people about whether they are really allergic to perfume, cilantro, weed, or whatever else.

  Don’t pressure them to do things you know they don’t want to do.

  If your friend tells you that the project they’ve been assigned to at work is confidential, don’t bug them (not even “jokingly”) to tell you what it is. If you know that they are vegan, don’t continue to ask them if they’ve changed their mind and want a big beefy hot dog. If they say they aren’t at liberty to share information about a mutual friend, drop it. Bugging a friend to break confidences or go against their values isn’t cute; it’s disrespectful.

  Figure out how to talk about money

  Imbalances in income, wealth, debt, vacation time, and/or personal money principles can really wear on friendships. And because money is so tied to morality and self-worth, it’s not always easy to communicate our financial circumstances, beliefs, and boundaries with pals. But money comes up a lot—directly and indirectly—in friendship, so it’s worth figuring out what everyone is comfortable with, and approaching these topics with an extra level of thoughtfulness.

  I’ve found that it’s helpful to be proactive when it comes to talking about money. This can easily slip your mind if you’re not the one who is particularly worried about their budget, so try to make a habit of the following:

  If you’re making group plans, ask everyone to share their ideal budget/range for lodging, activities, etc. before you do any research. (Ideally, they’d share this info privately with the main organizer, but it may not always be possible.)

  If you’re willing to pick up the tab for dinner or drinks, say “my treat” when you invite your friend so they don’t stress about it (or decline because they can’t afford it).

  If you’re assuming you’ll split the cost of something evenly, make sure they are on the same page.

  Ask them how much they are willing to spend on tickets to an event before you make the purchase, and be clear about the date by which you expect them to reimburse you.

  Remember to suggest free activities from time to time, and be kind if they tell you that they can’t afford the upgrade you’d really love to splurge on.

  Lead by example: Be willing to say something is too expensive for you, so they know they can do the same.

  Ultimately, just be mindful of the fact that a lot of people won’t tell you directly that they are broke—and know that even people who have money will likely notice and appreciate your being thoughtful and considerate about others’ finances.

  Honoring Your Friends

  Establish shared traditions or shared languages.

  Plan a weekend trip every summer, agree to see every new Star Wars movie together, write them a letter each year on their birthday, and so on. You can also develop your own shared language for things that come up a lot in conversations. Designating a phrase, acronym, or emoji to reference an inside joke or signal “I’m too busy to talk but am thinking of you!” can go a long way to deepen bonds.

  When you’re attending their event (like their birthday party or their improv show) wear their favorite color, or an outfit you know they like.

  When I was in college, my mom—who cares so little about fashion and clothing, and who is not a fan of the color pink—would wear her one pink T-shirt whenever she came to visit me. I knew she chose it specifically because I liked it, which made me feel seen and appreciated and genuinely happy. More recently, I long-distance came out as queer to her, and the next time I saw her, she just so happened to arrive wearing an Elton John concert T-shirt, which I am 150 percent sure was not an accident.

  Take photos of and with them.

  Having a couple of photos of yourself that you really like is such a treat. But a lot of folks don’t have any, or have a bunch of selfies they secretly feel kind of self-conscious about. So if a friend is having a great hair day or wearing an awesome outfit, tell them that, and then offer to snap some pics of them. (And take the time to get a shot that they are actually happy with!) And try to take more photos of your people in general w
hen you’re together. Not for posting on social media—just to have.

  Support their goals.

  Showing up for friends means not begrudging their efforts when they are actively trying to change for the better. And if you’re feeling snarky or dismissive about your friends’ efforts to improve, remember that it probably has a lot more to do with you than it does with them, and it’s your responsibility to figure out what’s got you feeling A Way.

  Don’t put your friends on a pedestal.

  Admiring and looking up to your friends is a wonderful thing. But pedestals erase an individual’s humanity and ultimately create distance. According to therapist Andrea Bonior, “Putting a friend up on a pedestal means that it will be difficult for you to show your real self to them, and it will be hard for you to be realistic when they need help with their own vulnerabilities.”32 If you’ve ever been on the other side of it, you probably know that it doesn’t feel great to have a friend who looks up to you a little too much. “As much as it may feel good to have some admiration, there’s something unnerving about feeling like someone can’t handle the ‘real’ you,” Bonior says. So celebrate the shit out of your friends, but take note if you constantly feel like they are too good for you, and try to get to the root of that feeling before it begins to interfere with the friendship.

  Ask for permission before sharing their good news with others.

  I have a lot of thoughts on sharing people’s bad news without their permission (more on that later!) but I think it’s equally important to check that you’re cleared to share good news about them. (Because maybe they want to be the one to communicate the news of their job offer or engagement to your friend group!) In general, it’s wise to think of people’s stories as theirs, not yours.

  Celebrate their wins like they’re your wins.

  Being truly happy for other people is a beautiful thing, and it feels great to know that your friend is truly thrilled for you. So get everyone together for a spontaneous celebratory drink, buy them flowers, or just send them a thoughtful text that communicates “I’m so happy for you; you are wonderful and deserve nothing but good things.”

  Good Group Hangouts

  When I was in college, several people I knew were members of a Facebook group called “All We Do Is Have Blasts.” The first time I saw it, I remember thinking it was ridiculous and also made perfect sense. When I’m with friends, all I want to do is have a blast! Who doesn’t?! A good gathering with friends—the kind when you find yourself smiling the whole way home, or replaying your favorite moments the next day—is one of the most sustaining, fulfilling life experiences.

  While you can’t necessarily engineer the perfect blast, you can be intentional and thoughtful about your hangouts. Whether you’re meeting two friends for coffee, or heading on your annual long weekend at the lake with fourteen people, four babies, and two dogs, here are some tips to keep in mind.

  Think about the purpose of your hangout.

  In The Art of Gathering, author Priya Parker recommends deciding why you’re getting together before you plan anything. Having an established purpose makes it easier to decide who to invite and what your activity will be, and helps you navigate issues like budget and the presence of +1s, kids, and phones. (Think about it: A book club, birthday, baby shower, and bachelor/ette party all tend to have fairly different expectations. And a casual hangout at age twenty-one might have a very different purpose or look quite different from a casual hangout at forty-five.) You can figure this out yourself (if you’re the host) or decide as a group, and make it explicit (by, say, putting it in the invite) or just keep it in mind as you plan.

  Be thoughtful about the invite list.

  Showing up for one person sometimes means shutting the door on someone else. (This is particularly true when there’s tension or mistrust within a friend group, which we’ll dig into in Chapter 10.) This isn’t carte blanche to be a cliquey little a-hole or, you know, a bigot. Exclusion should be done thoughtfully and sparingly, and with the utmost discretion—you should be mindful about how you talk about it in front of other friends, and if/how you post on social media.

  Deciding who to invite or to exclude in the name of showing up can be difficult; it’s an instance where you have to draw on intuition and lived experience to decide what’s right. If you’re struggling, it’s helpful to consider how critical intimacy and self-expression are to the hangout. For example, a book club that has been meeting every month for the past fifteen years likely has a high level of intimacy that may evaporate if a new person enters the mix—so you probably shouldn’t be casual about adding new folks. But a newer book club where the participants don’t know each other very well doesn’t rely on intimacy as much to be fun or engaging, so the scenario might be “the more the merrier.” Meanwhile, a queer book club is centered, in part, on self-expression, so inviting people who would hinder that self-expression—or simply not make everyone the most comfortable—could be a problem.

  Of course, not all hangouts will have such clearly defined purposes, and some people in the group might feel a higher need for self-expression or intimacy at a hangout than others. It’s helpful to think about these two needs when making the guest list, and to remember that if you’re trying to show up for everyone, you may not be able to truly show up for anyone.

  Remember to honor the labor of showing up.

  The labor of showing up is the (often invisible!) work of caring—thinking about other people’s feelings, comfort, needs, and preferences, and knowing what to care about in the first place. The labor of showing up is sending thank-you notes; it’s figuring out whose house the family will be going to for the holidays; it’s researching a venue that can hold a group of your size; it’s planning the group vacation; it’s RSVPing; it’s coordinating the office potlucks; it’s choosing, buying, and wrapping the gift for the birthday party your five-year-old is attending. It’s what has historically been treated as “women’s work,” and, as a result, is often undervalued, overlooked, and ignored.

  In the context of group gatherings, the labor of showing up might look like . . .

  recognizing the need for a celebration or gathering

  starting the spreadsheet, Google Doc, or email thread

  bugging people to update/read the spreadsheet, Google Doc, or email thread

  coordinating people’s schedules and choosing a date that works for everyone

  calling a restaurant or venue to make a reservation for the group

  taking everyone’s preferences into account when planning an event (remembering who is vegetarian, who despises karaoke, who is on a tight budget, etc.)

  being aware of any people in the group who don’t really get along or just aren’t the best of friends

  responding to any requests related to a group hangout (e.g., sending your T-shirt size and money—on time!!!—to the person planning your friend’s bachelor/ette party).

  When you don’t do any sort of labor within your friendship and/or fail to acknowledge that your friends are doing that work, it can lead to hurt feelings and resentment. And, as my friend Terri has said, just because your friend seems to enjoy doing it and is good at it, you don’t get to opt out entirely! You should still offer to help out so they can take a break occasionally, or offer to share the work by doing something similar in scope that still needs to be done. At the absolute minimum, you can do two things for a friend who takes on the labor of showing up: 1) respect the work, and 2) honor the work.

  Respecting the work means paying attention and giving the person coordinating the event whatever they need to make planning easier. It’s reading the email about the lake trip and responding in a timely manner. It’s sending your RSVP or paying for your share on time. It’s not staying silent while everyone researches potential themes and T-shirt designs, and then, once they’ve all decided on a hoedown theme and red tank tops, chiming in with, “Y’all: What if we did a ’90s party and got matching purple hoodies?”

  Honoring t
he work is even easier: It’s just saying thank you. “Thanks for setting up that spreadsheet!” “Thanks for taking the lead on this!” “Thank you for calling and making that reservation; I really appreciate it!” “Thank you for researching all the different T-shirt options and prices.” “Thank you for organizing this; it was so fun.” It’s truly that easy! Be as generous with your appreciation as your friend was with their time and energy.

  A Modest Proposal: Take Notes When Hanging Out with Friends

  I’ve been invited to join my friend Julia’s Ladies Article Club on a few occasions when I’ve visited her, and it’s always such a treat! One of my favorite aspects of this hangout is that someone always takes notes during the gathering. The note-taker writes down anything that comes up in conversation that warrants some kind of follow-up—so basically, if someone mentions a product or a recipe or a podcast episode or a good Instagram account, the note-taker adds it to her list. Then she’ll start an email thread with everyone later on to collect/share the items mentioned.

  I’ve always thought this idea was so smart and efficient, and I’ve started doing it more when hanging out with friends—even just, like, during a coffee date. I like doing it because it’s practical, but also because writing these items down in my journal creates a mini diary entry about the hangout/the conversation.

  I was recently at my friend Emily’s apartment for a little friend dinner party, and when she mentioned a book she liked, I said, “Wait, I’m going to write down the stuff we talk about so I can look it up later.” I pulled out my notebook and pen, and another friend, Jess, said, “Welcome to Rachel’s meeting,” and everyone laughed. AND YET! An hour or so later, Emily asked me where my pullover and my socks were from, and when I told her, she said, “Wait, I want to write all this down,” and took out her phone and opened the Notes app. And later that night, after we’d all gone home, Jess texted the group and said, “Who is sending out the meeting notes?” And we all shared the things we’d discussed and made a note of!