The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Know that there’s no shame in a genuine “I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m sorry” is such a well-established Thing to Say When Things Are Bad, you might feel like it’s lost all meaning or want to come up with something more inspired. But really, there’s no need! If you want “I’m so sorry” to have meaning, just make sure you say it with meaning. There’s a huge difference between offering a robotic “I’m sorry for your loss” before you’ve even had time to process the news, and a sincere, genuine, “Oh, friend, I’m so sorry.”

  Clichés to Avoid

  “Everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan.”

  You may genuinely believe this, but many people don’t find comfort in these types of expressions. In fact, people can find them infuriating.

  “It’s probably for the best.”

  Is it for the best that your friend found out their dirtbag spouse was cheating on them before they had a kid with the person? I mean, yes, technically, it is. Is that the thing they want to hear in that moment? It is not!

  “I don’t know what I’d do if this happened to me.”

  People say this in an attempt to empathize and communicate, “This is bad but you’re dealing with it pretty gracefully.” But it comes across as out-of-touch—especially if the person feels like they aren’t handling it too well or has no choice but to keep it together.

  “You’re strong . . . I know you’ll get through this.”

  This is often said with the best of intentions, but when someone feels utterly broken, being told they’re strong isn’t necessarily helpful and can actually leave them feeling less seen and understood. So instead, give them the space to be soft. “Friend, I have so much faith in you, but this is really terrible/sad/overwhelming, and you’re allowed to feel terrible/sad/overwhelmed for a while.”

  Let people be “frivolous.”

  In her excellent memoir We’re Going to Need More Wine, Gabrielle Union describes the heartbreaking process of losing her best friend Sookie to cancer. Union shares an anecdote from when Sookie was on her deathbed, surrounded by family and friends, that has stuck with me:

  What I loved most was when she said out of nowhere, “Will somebody go and get me some hair removal cream?” A side effect of one of her meds was hair growth, and she was getting a mustache. Her sisters were trying to make her feel as pretty as possible. I was ready to have deep conversations about life and death, but she wanted nothing to do with that. So I gave up control and allowed Sook to lead me. “I want to talk about the Kardashians,” she said. That was Sook, a girls’ girl to the end.

  When people are going through a tough time, they often just want to feel normal and like themselves. And if illness or tragedy has altered their appearance or dealt a blow to their self-confidence, they might just really want a manicure, or a blowout, or someone to pencil in their eyebrows for them. So follow their lead, and don’t force them to be “serious” if what they really need is a friend to make them feel like their old self.

  Remember that “good” times can also be bad times.

  While most of us are aware that we need to show up for people during a well-established bad time (like after a big loss), we often overlook the “good” times that might present unexpected challenges for the folks in our lives. But feeling like you can’t talk to anyone when you’re struggling with good news or a seemingly happy event is incredibly isolating; as friends, we can easily help remedy this. Here are some situations in which you may want to probe a little to see how a friend is feeling about their “good” news.

  Getting accepted to college

  Getting a promotion or landing a dream job

  Getting engaged or married

  Having their partner or family member experience a big success moment

  Having a child

  Buying a home

  Having their health improve in a significant way

  Getting a financial windfall

  In these moments, “How are you feeling about everything?” is a simple but powerful question; it gives your friend permission to name and share negative feelings during a seemingly happy time. And even if they are feeling great about the event, being asked is still affirming.

  Embrace ring theory.

  Ring theory is the brainchild of clinical psychologist Susan Silk and arbitrator and author Barry Goldman. Here’s how they describe it.

  Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order.

  Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.39

  The TL;DR? Comfort in, dump out. When your friend is dealing with something difficult, they shouldn’t ever feel like they need to make you feel better about their situation.

  I’m a big fan of ring theory but would be remiss if I didn’t add this caveat: Only dump out what you have permission to dump out. More than once, I’ve had a close friend get so emotional about a terrible situation I was experiencing that they felt like they had to talk about it with some of their other friends. While this was the right idea, it was a huge violation of trust because I hadn’t given them permission to share that information with anyone, let alone the people in the bigger circles. It taught me that we should always get permission before sharing our feelings about someone else’s trauma with others—because even if I believe I’m just processing my own feelings and reactions to the situation, and even if I’m doing it with the best intentions, the person whose story I’m sharing might feel very, very different. So before you dump out, double check that talking to someone in an outer circle is OK with your friend.

  Try not to foist or fret.

  In There Is No Good Card for This, Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell write about “chronic helpers,” aka folks who “might be looking to use someone else’s needy situation to improve their self-worth.”40 Chronic helpers tend to do one of two things: foist or fret.

  Foisters push themselves onto the person who is struggling, offering a lot of advice and unappreciated overtures; they are more concerned about their own opinions and agendas than the person who is hurting. Fretters anxiously react with extreme neediness to someone going through a difficult time; they are likely to ask a lot of questions about what they should be doing to help and need a ton of reassurance that they’re doing a good job.

  If you have either of these tendencies or have done this in the past, don’t panic! Both are really common, especially if you are a good person who cares about supporting your friends (hello, everyone reading this book). It’s just good to be aware of these behaviors, so if you do catch yourself foisting or fretting, you can take a step back.

  Don’t judge.

  When someone is vulnerable with you, responding with contempt, disapproval, or judgment can affect their willingness to open up to people (not just you!) for years. It’s especially important to keep judgment in check if the person is sharing something particularly private, or that is a source of shame for a lot of people. (Think: sex, adultery, money/debt, being caught cheating or lying, getting fired, committing a crime/getting in trouble with the law.) Regardless of the topic, you can usually tell if someone is feeling shame or guilt by their tone, facial expressions, and body language. As soon as you notice it, that’s your cue to shift into neutral.

  Non-judgmental list
ening is, in part, about your face; if you side-eye or grimace in response to what the person is sharing, they are going to notice and feel bad. But it’s really about your heart. The simplest way to not come across as judgmental when people are opening up to you is to not judge them. If you’re prone to judginess, consider spending more time engaging with people, places, traditions, cultures, and ideas that are outside your current set of experiences. The more you hear or read about new-to-you experiences firsthand, the less shocking human behavior becomes, and the easier it is to react calmly and offer compassion to the people in a particular situation. (It might sound silly, but reading advice columns and the r/relationships subreddit is a great way to start doing this.)

  That said, if you do mess up and react badly in the moment, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world! Just own your mistake and offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.

  Try not to police their coping mechanisms.

  Since you’re now in the habit of noticing, you might observe that your friend seems to be acting out of character following a big loss. But . . . of course they aren’t acting “normal!” Their life isn’t normal right now!! Yes, you should probably intervene if they are about to do something really dangerous, and you can gently mention it if the behavior has gone on for an extended period of time (like we covered in the previous chapter). But if they are just kind of wilding out? Resist the urge to judge, and try to remember that some unusual behavior is pretty common following a big loss.

  Give the gift of privacy.

  I process grief like a cat that’s about to die; I prefer to quietly drag myself to a private spot and come undone in solitude. I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to process my feelings in, say, the checkout line at the supermarket, so I think it’s best to err on the side of caution when offering support and comfort. This could mean mailing a sympathy card or bouquet to a person’s home instead of leaving it on their desk at work, or emailing them to tell them how sorry you are about their loss instead of texting them. It’s also about reading their cues and body language; if you ask how they are doing when you run into them at the gym and they look uncomfortable or attempt to change the subject, assume that this isn’t the best time/place.

  If you’re worried about seeming insensitive or out-of-touch, you can say something like, “It’s so good to see you—I’ve been thinking about you a lot in the past few weeks.” That communicates, “I’m aware you’re going through some shit right now, I care about how you’re doing, and I’m here to talk if you’d like to” without pressuring them to open up in that moment.

  Remember: Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s not the worst thing in the world to this person.

  In your effort to make your friend feel less alone, you might be tempted to whip out some statistics that demonstrate exactly how normal their experience is. This isn’t always a bad thing; knowing that, say, a lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage can be really comforting when you’re feeling isolated and ashamed about the loss of your pregnancy. But it can also slide into dismissive or unhelpful territory very quickly. I promise that your friend who is getting divorced knows the stats about divorce and doesn’t need to hear them right now.

  Focus on the food.

  If your friend is struggling, ask them if they are eating and/or remind them to eat. Tragedy, trauma, and illness can wreak havoc on eating habits, and your friend genuinely may not realize they haven’t eaten all day. If they are having trouble nourishing themselves, you can offer to bring them dinner (or just a smoothie); have takeout delivered; drop off some groceries (or arrange delivery); and/or organize a meal train.

  Good Gifts That Aren’t Flowers

  If you want to send a person who is experiencing a loss a little gift, here are some of my favorite options.

  A puzzle

  The process of literally putting something back together when your life is falling apart is incredibly healing. (Bonus: It’s a relatively cheap gift.) And if you’re more of a traditionalist when it comes to sympathy gifts, you can select a puzzle that depicts flowers.

  An enamel pin or button

  I love a good, on-brand pin! It’s especially nice if the person needs a consistent pick-me-up or reminder that they’re not alone. Every time they put it on (or glance at it in their bedside dish) they’ll think of you cheering them on.

  Bedding

  Linens are comforting, practical, and beautiful. If your friend is going to be spending a lot of time in bed grieving or recovering, a cozy throw blanket, cushy pillow, or even a set of crisp new sheets might be the perfect thing.

  Art

  A small painting, drawing, or sculpture, or a beautiful object for their garden (like a birdbath) can be a really thoughtful way to honor a loss.

  Share the context or inspiration behind your gesture.

  If you’re going to get creative with your support, consider sharing what inspired it, like so: “After my sister got laid off, she told me that learning to knit helped her feel creative and productive and less bored during those first couple months. So I thought this knitting kit might be comforting to you right now. But if that’s not your thing at all, feel free to regift without regret!” That way, if it, uhhhhhh, doesn’t quite land (or it’s not totally obvious why you chose this gift) they’ll at least understand where you were coming from and have a better sense of your intent. They also might be more likely to engage with it if they know that someone else in a similar circumstance found it helpful.

  If you do something nice, don’t expect a response or a thank-you message.

  I respect the importance of thank-you notes, but all bets are off when a person is in crisis. If you give someone a gift in terrible circumstances, do so with the knowledge that it might go “unnoticed.” They might not have the bandwidth to thank you or send a card . . . and then a lot of time might pass and they’ll either forget or feel too embarrassed to do so. Don’t take it personally. (I actually recommend adding “no need to respond” or “no need to thank me” to the card accompanying the gift to free them of this burden.) And by the way, if you were the receiver of such a gift and are feeling guilty about not acknowledging it at the time, 1) let it go and move on with your life, or 2) just thank them now!

  Keep inviting them to social events . . . but always give them an out.

  Sure, a person might want to hunker down while they are going through a tough time, but they also might want a little fun and distraction. Rather than assume they are super fragile, go ahead and (gently!) invite them to a game night or house party or brunch. “I know you haven’t been in the mood lately, but I still wanted to ask.” “I know you might not be up for it, but I wanted to make sure you know you are welcome.” As my colleague Anna Borges has written, a lot of folks worry that saying no a few times will mean they are never invited again, so try to assuage that fear. And if they are continuously saying no to your invites, you can always ask them—in an open, relaxed way—if there’s something that would make it easier for them to hang out. See if they’d like some company while they do chores or run errands, or if they just want to talk about their situation.

  Don’t put a moratorium on all good news.

  In past few years, I noticed something curious among my friends: A handful of people mentioned to me that a respective friend was really struggling, so they decided to share some positive personal news—because it seemed like their friend really needed to hear it. I didn’t understand it (or, frankly, believe it) until a few months later when I had coffee with a friend who was feeling really bummed out about work. She was so down, and it was just so evident that she was hoping I had something fun or exciting to talk about. I could tell she didn’t want commiseration, or even to talk about her own problems at length; she wanted to hear something genuinely positive from me. Suddenly, the feeling my friends had been describing made perfect sense.

  Of course, telling a friend in a bad spot about your win requires a delicate touch and should be done very thoughtfu
lly, especially if it’s in the same realm as their bad news. But! It’s worth remembering that good news is, well, good, and your happy story can provide a genuine flicker of hope, joy, and positivity during a friend’s season of darkness and despair.

  Keep an eye on whether or not they are spending time with other people.

  Social isolation is a very real problem and isn’t always obvious if you aren’t looking for it. So be on the lookout for mentions of socializing, and find occasions to gently ask: “Have you seen your parents much lately?” “How’s [sibling] doing these days?” “Have you been able to visit with [best friend] lately?” “Are you still going to trivia these days?” “What did you get up to this weekend?” And, if things are pretty dire: “Have you left the house today?”

  After a big crisis or just a big life change, set reminders to check in with the person periodically.

  Those follow-ups mean a lot, and even if the friend doesn’t need any support the first four times you ask, they’ll know exactly who to call when they do. And don’t assume you’re off the hook just because someone seems to be doing better. According to therapist Andrea Bonior, there can actually be a higher at risk when they appear to be bouncing back.41

  Reaching Out to an Old Friend During a Crisis

  If you and a friend have fallen out of touch, you might feel conflicted about what to do if you learn through the grapevine (or social media) that they are going through a tough time. My advice: Unless there is a lot of bad blood, or they told you never to speak to them again, you should do something. I think it’s best to reach out in a way that is low-key or that gives them a little more space, particularly if you had some kind of falling out. Receiving a card or an email with a kind, thoughtful message—written by someone who once knew them well—can be incredibly meaningful for someone going through a rough time, and they’ll likely recognize and appreciate the risk you took in reaching out.