From Mum With Love

by Louise Emma Clarke

  She couldn’t have been more embarrassed, but smiled awkwardly and followed the lady inside the room, struggling with Bella in her arms and the buggy to push, while re-adjusting her eyes to the brightness.

  Jessica had eaten at MUNCH! in the past and imagined they’d be inside the main restaurant, but she found herself standing in a function room instead. It was quite a small room, with a large stand on the far side displaying the different flavours of ‘Squeeze & Gurgle’ baby food pouches. A big advertising board was propped behind the table with their logo and a picture of a baby sucking from a pouch. To the right of that, there was a small table set out for manicures or face painting, with one little girl (probably about three years old) sitting quietly while her face was painted and her mother chatted behind her.

  Jessica realised pretty quickly that there wasn’t much for Bella to do and inwardly sighed at the thought of her running around the room and knocking over the displays. But with her arms now aching from her weight, she had no choice but to put her down and then find a space to park the buggy under a window.

  ‘Shall I show you the new pouches?’ the blonde lady said, with the smile still fixed on her face. ‘Don’t worry about the little one! Let her run around!’

  ‘Yes, sure,’ Jessica said hesitantly, watching Bella toddle straight towards the little girl having her face painted.

  ‘So here we go,’ the lady said. ‘There are ten flavours in total and they are all totally organic! I’ve been trying them out with my own daughter and she loves them! You’ll be getting each of these flavours in your bag as you leave, so your little one can have a try! Shall I leave you to have a little look?’

  ‘Thanks, that’s great,’ Jessica said, picking up a pouch to look closer, while simultaneously watching Bella, who was still fascinated by the little girl being transformed into a tiger.

  ‘Take your time!’ the lady said. ‘I’ll be right back!’ She waved at a few ladies that had just walked into the room and strolled away, leaving Jess studying the pouches.

  With Bella still glued to the spot, Jessica picked up each of the ten pouches in turn, feeling it was her duty given she’d come all this way to see them. As she focused on perfecting her ‘I’m interested in the ingredients list’ face, the tiger’s mother approached her.

  ‘Sorry to ask, but are you Jessica from “Letters to my Daughter?”’ the lady asked, smiling warmly at her.

  ‘Yes!’ Jessica replied, her eyes opening with the shock of realising she was face-to-face with a blogger she’d been following since she first found out she was pregnant. It was Wendy from the blog ‘Hiding in the Bathroom!’ – and somehow she knew Jessica’s name.

  ‘I thought it was you! I’m Wendy – I think we’re nominated for the same award? Congratulations! I’ve been reading your blog since I saw the list and it’s really, really good!’

  Jessica realised her face was frozen into a shocked smile. ‘Oh hi, Wendy! It’s lovely to meet you…’ she stuttered. ‘I have to admit I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while. It’s really nice to meet you!’

  ‘Ah really? Well you’ll already know that’s my little girl Adeline being turned into a tiger then,’ Wendy said, glancing over her shoulder at the two girls. ‘And your little one is….?’

  ‘Bella,’ Jessica replied. ‘And she wants to have her face painted next, by the looks of it!’

  ‘Of course,’ Wendy said, as she smiled at the girls, before turning back to Jessica and adding with raised eyebrows: ‘It doesn’t seem like anybody else brought their kids!’

  Jessica laughed and looked around the room. It was getting busy now, with other guests standing in groups chatting or studying the pouches on the table. But Wendy was right; Adeline and Bella were the only children.

  ‘This always happens at launches,’ Wendy said, raising her hand and talking behind it in a loud whisper. ‘Nobody ever brings their kids and I am left wondering where the hell they all are!’

  ‘I guess they’re all at school and nursery?’ Jessica asked, genuinely surprised.

  ‘Or at home with the nanny while their mother blogs about being their mother,’ Wendy added behind her hand, before howling loudly with laughter. A few of the ladies at the table next to them turned to stare, prompting Wendy to raise her eyebrows at Jessica and smile.

  Jessica warmed to Wendy instantly and was relieved that the first real life blogger she’d met hadn’t disappointed. She was warm, bubbly, and friendly – exactly how she came across in her blog.

  Adeline’s tiger face was now finished and she jumped down and ran to her mother. Wendy crouched down and caught her. ‘You’re terrifying!’ she said, as the little girl held up her hands and growled. Out the corner of her eye, Jessica spotted Bella trying to climb up into the chair.

  She made her way there quickly. ‘Does she want a turn?’ the face painter asked, poised with a brush and palette. Turning to Bella, she continued: ‘What do you want to be?’

  ‘I think she’s probably too young to sit still!’ Jessica said, laughing. ‘But try if you like? I think she wants to be a tiger like her new friend.’

  She crouched behind Bella to stop her falling off the chair, as the face painter got to work. Remarkably, Bella sat still and let her start painting. As she daubed tiger stripes, Jessica took the time to glance around the room at the other guests. Most were chatting to members of staff, while others were studying or sniffing pouches. It was getting quite noisy as the room filled up, with the sound of chatter, laughter and footsteps on the wooden floor.

  She quickly recognised a few more of the bloggers in the room, feeling like a starstruck teenager as she watched them move around. There was ‘Mother to Twin Terrors’ chatting to ‘Coffee Survivor’ by the pouches like two long-lost friends - and over by the door, Anwen from ‘This Is Where The Wild Things Are’ had just arrived and was being ushered over to the display table by the blonde lady, who was chatting away enthusiastically, while Anwen stared down at her phone.

  It was fascinating to study a room of other bloggers and journalists for the first time. She’d always thought that they’d be far more glamorous, with perfect figures, expensive wardrobes, and gaggles of beautifully behaved children at their feet. But they all looked quite normal. She guessed the average age of the guests was around thirty-five and most were wearing skinny jeans and T-shirts. Glancing down at her outfit, she felt quite overdressed, and she was thankful she hadn’t opted for the high heels she’d been considering.

  Wendy was now studying a pouch of baby food, as Adeline hugged her legs and tried to steer her away. Giving into her attempts, she made her way back towards the face painting. ‘She wants me to get my face painted too,’ she laughed, as she approached them. ‘Addie, Mummy isn’t quite ready for that level of humiliation today, I’m afraid!’

  ‘Although it would make a great photo for the blog?’ Jessica laughed.

  ‘You are right! But still not worth the pain of walking through Borough Market afterwards… At least I don’t think it is… Maybe I should reconsider…’ Wendy replied.

  As predicted, Bella started to squirm in an attempt to escape the chair. With only one side of her face completed, she was a very lopsided tiger, but her patience had been exhausted. ‘I think we’ll have to leave it there,’ Jessica said to the face painter, picking Bella up. ‘And this definitely isn’t a look I will be sharing on my social media!’

  Wendy laughed. ‘Well actually, I think it might go down well. She looks like a very cute tiger-baby hybrid!’

  ‘See, this is why you’re a better blogger than me!’ Jessica replied.

  ‘Actually, shall we try and get a picture of the two of them together?’ Wendy asked.

  Jessica nodded and placed Bella on the floor. ‘Hold her hand, Addie,’ Wendy said, as she snapped away with her phone. Confident she’d got the shot, she turned to Jessica and said: ‘I’ll send this to you. We can both share it later and tag the brand.’ And then behind her hand, she added: ‘Let’s be honest,
it’s a lot more interesting than a photo of a baby food pouch – and we’re less likely to get hate about posting adverts!’

  ‘You get hate?’ Jessica retorted, surprised that somebody as lovely as Wendy would attract it. ‘Like, negative comments?’

  ‘Of course!’ Wendy replied. ‘Don’t we all? I think it’s just part of being a blogger these days – and the benefits definitely outweigh the negatives!’

  ‘Oh OK, I thought it was just me…’ Jessica added, feeling relieved.

  ‘No girl!’ Wendy replied. ‘It’s all of us! And the bigger your following gets, the thicker your skin needs to grow with it. Believe me… But don’t let it put you off. You just learn to roll your eyes and ignore it!’

  Jessica raised her eyebrows. ‘Wow, I didn’t realise…’ she said, scooping Bella into her arms. ‘I’ll have to learn how to shrug it off like a pro. Are you sticking around much longer? I think we’ll probably head home…’

  But Wendy was distracted by somebody walking through the door. ‘Oh, it’s Tiggy! Better go and say hello, I guess. Have you met? Come with me, I’ll introduce you!’

  Jessica’s stomach fell so quickly to the floor that she thought she was going to throw up.

  Wendy was already striding over to the door, but Jessica’s feet were planted to the spot. She couldn’t talk to Tiggy Blenheim! What would she say? Would she acknowledge the message she’d sent? Should she be friendly or aloof? Should she stroll over and greet her like an old friend? Or pretend she’d never sent the message and hope she didn’t work out who she was? She wished she could consult the girls.

  But there was no time. Wendy seemed to be deep in conversation, but turned suddenly and gestured to Jessica to join her. And just like that, she found her legs working on autopilot as she walked across the room with Bella in her arms.

  She smiled as she reached them but didn’t interrupt.

  ‘Oh yes, William was like that for a while,’ Tiggy continued ‘but I was consistent and he never asked for it again. You have to be consistent! You just can’t give them a dummy because they cry for it!’

  ‘You’re right. But it’s just so bloody hard, isn’t it? All they want is their dummy and you know you’ll get some peace if you give in.’ Wendy said laughing. She turned to Jessica and said: ‘Oh sorry, this is Jessica from “Letters to my Daughter”. Have you met?’

  Tiggy glanced at Jessica, taking time to look her up and down.

  Jessica felt her toes curl.

  ‘No, I don’t think we have,’ Tiggy said finally, without a hint of a smile. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  But before Jessica could reply, she turned back to Wendy and continued the conversation: ‘Honestly, Wendy, you have got to be a little tougher. Stick to your guns. I was like you with Amelia and she had the thing until she was five!’

  The conversation continued, while Jessica stood alongside them feeling like a spare part. Surely Tiggy would stop talking about dummies soon and have the decency to make some kind of polite conversation with her. Surely, she’d remember that Jessica lived on the same road as her when she was growing up, and that she’d babysat her as a child. Surely, she’d acknowledge the cuteness of the half-painted tiger in her arms. The rudeness was so staggering and awkward that it hung heavily in the air – and while Wendy had seemed shocked when Tiggy first turned away from Jessica and continued talking, she was now so deep in the conversation that she appeared to have forgotten Jessica was there too.

  But as she was forced to stand there silently as they chatted, something was stirring in Jessica.

  She was angry now. Angry about the snub at the door. Angry that she’d come all this way to look at baby food pouches that were really no different to the baby food pouches that were already on the shelves of Tesco. Angry that none of the team members in the room deemed her important enough to talk to for more than two minutes. Angry that she’d dragged Bella all the way across London to an event that nobody else had bothered taking their kids to. And angry that a childhood acquaintance was snubbing her so publicly. And as that anger continued to bubble and boil, it was threatening to spill over at any moment – that was the moment she decided to speak up. She wasn’t a nobody and she deserved politeness at the very least.

  As a sentence came to an end, Jessica pitched in. ‘We grew up on the same road, actually Wendy. Tiggy and I! Isn’t that funny?’

  ‘What?!’ Wendy roared with a big smile on her face. ‘No way! What are the chances!’

  Tiggy pursed her lips and smiled awkwardly, but said nothing.

  ‘Yes, it was in Mottingham in South East London. Funnily enough, my parents still live in the same house. My sister Fran lives there too now, with her little boy. Do you ever pop back, Tiggy?’ Jessica asked, her confident tone propelled entirely by adrenaline.

  Wendy turned to Tiggy smiling widely. ‘I can’t believe this! How small is this world?!’

  Tiggy was looking at Jessica now, which was an improvement to a few minutes before, but still, she stayed quiet. Wendy was finally starting to pick up on the tension. Her smile faltered, as she glanced between the two of them and laughed nervously.

  And finally, Tiggy spoke up.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, without a hint of emotion in her voice. ‘I don’t remember you.’

  And at that very moment, just as Jessica’s mouth dropped open in shock, the blonde lady grabbed Tiggy by the arm. ‘Tiggy, darling! So lovely to see you,’ she said, kissing her on both cheeks. ‘Thank you so much for coming! We really, really appreciate it! Come with me and I’ll show you the range?’

  As they strode away together, Jessica noticed a photographer for the first time. He was following close behind and snapping Tiggy from every angle, while she did a flawless job of pretending she hadn’t noticed.

  Adeline ran after them, attempting to grab a lead hanging from the camera, with Wendy in hot pursuit, which left Jessica standing on her own with Bella in her arms, so humiliated and so shocked that the room was practically spinning.

  And when tears started to prick and well in her eyes, she knew she had to leave. Spotting her buggy under the window, she dashed to it, strapped Bella in as quickly as she could, and ran out of the room.

  As she strode out onto the streets of London, not a single person in that room even noticed that she had gone.

  11

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  Dear Bella,

  I’d never experienced real loneliness until I was a mother, which sounds silly, doesn’t it? Because let’s be honest; I was never really alone.

  But once we’d got through the whirlwind first few weeks, when we had visitors arriving on our doorstep on a seemingly hourly basis clutching home-cooked casseroles, gifts wrapped in powder pink wrapping paper, and armfuls of pre-loved baby clothes that they’d raided from storage, things slowed down.

  And then we had those horrible, dark months after Michael died, when we spent most of our time crying, hugging, or picking flowers to go in funeral displays. We clung together so tightly during those weeks that we were rarely ever alone. So, when Auntie Fran decided that she wanted to be left alone and your grandparents needed to be there for Freddie, I found myself back in the silence of home.

  And I struggled, Bella. I really struggled.

  You were always with me – on my boob, in your buggy, or lying right next to me in bed. But you couldn’t chat to me about the plot in my favourite soap opera. You couldn’t discuss the highlights of the weekend over a cup of coffee. You couldn’t reassure me when I was worried about snipping your fingers off in the pursuit of trimming tiny fingernails. So instead, I usually picked up the phone and called Daddy. And sometimes I ranted; sometimes I cried; and sometimes I howled with laughter. But mainly, I just talked and talked and talked, while he s
tood outside his office, staring out at the rooftops of London, listening to every single word and no doubt worrying that his wife had gone mad.

  My pre-baby friends were rarely there for me either. I don’t think that they meant to abandon me; I just think their lives were in a very different place. They didn’t realise that a quick visit to coo over a newborn baby, hand over a gift, and fill me in on the complexities of their love lives wasn’t enough. They thought they’d done their bit - and then they left again, with me ticked off their list for another few months. I tried so hard not to blame them for my loneliness, but it was hard. I missed them being in my life. And I missed them wanting me to be in theirs.

  When I look back now Bella, the loneliness is probably the thing that surprised me most about motherhood. The long days with just a baby for company. And I know that sounds silly, because it wasn’t as if I hadn’t been expecting you. My bump had grown as quickly as the stash of tiny pink clothes in your wardrobe, and I was fully aware that a human baby would be arriving at the end of it. I was looking forward to my maternity leave. I spent a long time imagining those lazy days together on the sofa and believed wholeheartedly that it would be bliss. Nowhere that I needed to go and nowhere that I needed to be. I mean it sounds like bliss, doesn’t it?

  But then you arrived and I dressed you in those powder pink outfits, and we retreated to that sofa for what felt like months on end. And it was bliss in one sense, because I had you in my arms and I felt so lucky to have you. I had never been less alone in my life. I had a shadow; a sidekick; an extension of myself. But it became clearer every single day that being alone and being lonely are two different things entirely.

  And I realised that I really needed to make some new friends.

  We needed to make some new friends.

  For both of us.

  Love Mummy x