From Mum With Love

by Louise Emma Clarke

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  Dear Bella,

  Suddenly we had friends.

  Friends that made time tick a hundred times faster.

  Friends that replied instantly, when I felt like I was failing at motherhood and needed a few words of reassurance.

  Friends that laughed hysterically as we took turns sniffing baby bums as they crawled round the room.

  Friends that offered each other coffee by day – and wine by night.

  Real friends.

  It all started one Tuesday morning in September, when I plucked up the courage to go to a music class with you. But while it was my feet that did the walking, it was Daddy that was pushing us out of the door. ‘You have to go, Jess,’ he said that morning as we lay in bed. ‘Bella needs a few friends as she’s growing up – and more importantly, you’re bored. Fran doesn’t come any more and your parents are rarely here either. You need something to get you through the day and make it all a bit easier. And look, it doesn’t matter if you don’t meet them today, but it’ll get you out the house for a few hours. It has to be worth it for that alone.’

  I had immediately rolled my eyes and turned over. ‘Don’t turn away,’ he said. ‘You know it makes sense.’

  ‘It’s easy for you to say, isn’t it?’ I said to the wall. ‘You’ll be on a train to London in half an hour, then happily working away at your desk. It isn’t you that has to walk into a room full of strangers!’ Even the thought made me feel sick with nerves. It had been a few months since I’d last tried – and this time, I wouldn’t be able to hide in the shadows with a hapless health visitor.

  ‘I know, Jess!’ he replied. ‘And if I could do it for you, I would! But I can’t, so just go! You may not hate it as much as you expect. Wait and see.’

  Despite wanting to punch him on the nose, I knew he was right. You were six months old now and needed more than the stuffed woodland creatures on your baby gym swinging in your face to fill the day. One class every week wouldn’t be too bad. And maybe the fact it was a structured class would make it easier to integrate myself. Or maybe not. But whatever was in store, I knew I needed to walk out our front door that morning. So I did, despite wishing I could run back inside and cuddle up with you on the sofa.

  That was the day we met our gang, Bella. And it was hard walking into that church hall on that first morning – but it’s amazing how talk of baby poo, sleepless nights, and the absolute love/hate relationship we all had with breastfeeding bonded us tighter than super glue within a matter of weeks. Within hours, I was telling those ladies things that I would never dream of muttering to near-strangers, and at times, I even shocked myself with my openness. But there was something about mutual motherhood that made it all seem totally acceptable. No subject was off limits for conversation. And when one of us needed help – either physically, in the form of childcare for a few hours, or mentally, on the days when we wished we were tapping away at a computer in an office full of other adults, rather than changing our third nappy of the day at 9 a.m. – we were there in a second. It was wonderfully, exhaustingly, amazingly brilliant.

  You were still so little, Bella but I didn’t doubt for a second that you’d grow up with those little friends. You saw those little faces more often than you saw your own grandparents and they quickly became surrogate cousins. You may have only laid next to them at first, studying your toes, but that changed as time ticked on. They became your playmates, your sparring partners, and your partners in crime. I watched those little people grow up nearly as closely as I watched you.

  It’s like a family.

  Just like a family.

  And I have thanked my lucky stars that we walked into that church hall every day since September.

  It was the best decision I ever made.

  Love from Mummy x

  *

  As the taxi approached Mel’s road, Jessica’s mind was whirring.

  Mel was pregnant.

  And her husband was having an affair.

  With his ex-wife.

  Who had married someone else and was living in Stockholm with him and the children.

  How was all this even possible? How had he managed it? And how long had it all been going on?

  Mel had always been vocal about only wanting one child. She had met Steven at work, when she was in her late thirties, and they had a whirlwind engagement and marriage, eloping to New York without telling friends and family. Their wedding photos were posed in Times Square and Central Park on a cold December day, with Mel wearing a gold lace dress under thick, white fur. And then came Lara, and despite not being part of the plan, she had been very welcome. But Mel knew from the very moment that she saw the word ‘PREGNANT’ on the test that she only wanted to do it once.

  Mel had had a successful career as a legal counsel before her maternity leave and it had always been the plan for her to go back to work. So when Jessica had heard that Mel wanted to chat that evening, she had assumed that would be the news. She imagined Mel would sit them down and break it to them that their Tuesday morning coffees were coming to an end. She had assumed it wasn’t urgent. She had assumed she could wait and hear it all tomorrow.

  But it had been urgent, and as her taxi wound down dark streets towards the house with the climbing roses, Jessica wished she’d sent an apology to Wendy and rushed off to be with the girls instead. But you couldn’t deal backwards and she was here now, handing over a note to the driver and climbing out of the cab. She held her breath as she knocked on the door, biting her lip with nerves as she heard footsteps rushing towards it.

  ‘Hi, babe,’ Henny said, allowing just the corner of her mouth to curl into a smile. ‘Come in, we’re in the lounge.’

  ‘How is she?’ Jessica asked in a loud whisper. ‘I’m really sorry for not being here!’

  Henny stopped and turned, smiling the same smile she always smiled. ‘Don’t worry! You didn’t know!’

  Jessica exhaled deeply and smiled back.

  Mel’s house was never usually quiet. It was filled with the sound of toddler babble, the whistle of a kettle, and the radio playing softly in the background. It felt strange to step into the silence, as Jessica followed Henny through the hallway. It suddenly occurred to her that it was very similar to the sound of her parents’ house after Michael died.

  Yes, it was just like someone had died – and she guessed for Mel, it felt like they had.

  As they walked into the lounge, Mel and Deena turned towards them.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Mel,’ Jessica said, fighting to compose herself but she couldn’t stop a single tear rolling down her cheek, trying to wipe it away with her hand before it was noticed.

  ‘Hey, what are you crying for?’ Mel said, followed by her characteristic laugh. But her eyes weren’t laughing. As Jessica hugged her and looked into them, she could see they were puffy and red. ‘Tell me what happened.’

  Mel took a deep breath. ‘I feel like a broken record, but I’ll tell you the story again. I guess I’m going to have to at some point.’ She cleared her throat and took a sip from a glass. Jessica watched as she did it, wondering what was inside as the ice clinked against the side.

  ‘It’s tonic water, in case you were wondering,’ she snapped, reading her mind.

  ‘Oh no, I wasn’t…’ Jessica said, swallowing. ‘Sorry Mel.’

  Mel laughed quietly, then cleared her throat with two small coughs. ‘I’ve had my suspicions something has been going on for a while. Steven has been in Sweden a lot and I get it, because his kids are there. But when Lara and I are alone a lot of the time and he refuses to employ a sodding nanny to help me get back to work, that’s pretty hard to swallow. But anyway, the constant trips to Sweden have been worrying me for a while, but I guess I p
ut it to the back of my mind. I just treated it like another business trip.’

  ‘I knew he was away a lot,’ Jessica said. ‘I just didn’t realise quite how often.’

  ‘Jess, he’s barely here! What with the monthly trips out to the Middle East for work and the fortnightly trips to his ex and the kids in Sweden…’

  ‘Fortnightly?’ Jessica cut in. ‘Jesus.’

  ‘Well, exactly – and it all makes sense now. It was obviously a problem for us and we were arguing a lot. I wanted to go back to work, but the logistics of being a working mum just wouldn’t work if he couldn’t commit to being here more often. He was either at his desk in London, out of the country on business, or arguing with me at home. I spent the days entertaining Lara and the evenings worrying about where my husband was and what exactly he was doing. It’s been pretty miserable, to be honest.’

  ‘So, you suspected something was going on?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘Well, I did after I got a message from Jenny,’ Mel explained.

  ‘Jenny?’ Jessica asked, trying to place the name.

  ‘Oh, I don’t think you know her. Steven and his ex-wife Emily met at university, and Jenny was on their course too. They all hung out together, but Jenny was always better friends with Steven and I don’t think she’s seen Emily since the divorce. They stayed connected on social media though and a few months ago, a message arrived in my inbox from her asking whether I knew Steven was hanging out with Emily that weekend. Of course I did, as he was in Sweden seeing the kids. I was actually quite irritated by Jenny’s message as she’d caught me at a bad moment with Lara and I was probably a bit short in my reply so she backed off and I forgot about it. But then she messaged me again a fortnight later.’

  ‘What did it say?’ Henny asked,

  ‘She asked if I knew he was staying in the house with Emily and the kids. We have an apartment over there, which I was obviously under the impression he was sleeping in – so I typed back saying I didn’t think that was the case. I added that I thought Emily’s husband may find it all a bit strange if her ex was sleeping under the same roof and did one of those laughing face emojis. I was pissed off with her to be honest. I felt like she was trying to stir things up for no reason. So I rolled my eyes and closed the message, carrying on with running Lara’s bath. But then a reply instantly popped up on my phone from Jenny saying that she was pretty sure Emily had recently separated from her new husband (something Steven hadn’t obviously told me) and I started to shake. She went on to send me screenshots of the photos Emily had shared online; Steven eating breakfast with the kids in his pyjamas in their kitchen, the whole lot of them playing happy families at the zoo, and smiley family selfies on the beach. Lara was happily splashing in the bath at this point and I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.’

  ‘I still can’t believe it,’ Deena said. ‘Fuck. I never saw it coming.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ Mel said, shaking her head. ‘Do you want to see the photos she sent?’ The girls nodded and she passed over her phone.

  And she was right; they were incriminating. The two children were the perfect blend of Steven and Emily. Her eyes, his blonde hair, her freckles, his chin dent, her golden tan, his chiselled cheekbones. And there they were; the four of them beaming with happiness, as if a divorce and two remarriages had never happened.

  ‘I can’t believe he thought he’d get away with it…’ Jessica said, as she passed back the phone. ‘So, did you call him? What happened?’

  ‘He’d flown out to Stockholm the day after the barbecue we hosted last month, and the next day, you invited us all for drinks at your house Henny. That was the day she messaged me.’

  ‘I wish you’d told us babe. I really wish you’d told us,’ Henny said, her eyes filling with tears.

  ‘I know Hen, but I couldn’t even think straight. I didn’t want to believe it. He wasn’t due home for another couple of days, but I couldn’t just sit and wait for him. I knew he was in her house, pretending life was like the old days. And meanwhile, Lara and I were home alone in London. I went through so many emotions trying to decide what to do, but I was mainly angry. So, the next morning, after a totally sleepless night, I decided to call him. Now you know me girls – I’m not a shrinking violet and I’ve dealt with some tough shit in my career, but this was something else. I literally saw my life flash before my eyes as the phone rang and until he answered, I didn’t know whether I was going to shout, cry, or completely lose the ability to talk. I was a mess.’

  ‘I don’t know if I could’ve made that phone call,’ Henny said, shaking her head. ‘I’d have bottled out.’

  ‘He answered after about five rings and told me he’d have to call back as he was with the kids. So, without thinking, I shot back, “And Emily, I assume?” That stopped him in his tracks and he told the kids to sit tight for a moment and left the room. Then he was all like “What’s wrong, darling? Everything is fine darling! No, those pictures are just misleading, because the truth is that Emily would love everything to be back like it used to be.” He said of course, he hadn’t been staying the night. He was wearing his pyjama bottoms because the kids wanted to have a pyjama party and watch a movie as a family and he didn’t want to say no, because they already missed out on so much since the divorce. And the family photos were taken for the benefit of the children. And “honestly darling, everything is fine”. And he missed Lara and he couldn’t wait to get home.’

  ‘And you believed him?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘I let myself fall for it. I didn’t want this world of ours to fall apart. I loved him and I wanted to make it work, for Lara if nobody else. I put down the phone and I tried my best to put it out of my mind and trust him over the next few days. He sent me lots more messages than usual and picked up the phone to call so he could say goodnight to Lara for the first time in forever. I mean, looking back now it’s ridiculous – of course he was trying to cover something up. But I wanted to believe him so I let myself fall for his lies.’

  ‘Shit,’ Jessica said. ‘He’s good.’

  ‘Yep,’ Mel replied. ‘But just before he got home, the unthinkable happened.’

  ‘You found out about the baby?’ Jessica asked.

  Mel nodded, her eyes filling with tears for the first time. To her side, Deena squeezed her arm and Mel turned to smile at her.

  ‘God, I wish I could have a stiff drink. This is torture!’ Mel said, with the girls smiling sympathetically. She cleared her throat and carried on. ‘Yes, I mean it had crossed my mind for a few weeks. I had moments where nausea suddenly swept over me, but as soon as I acknowledged it, it disappeared again. I’d been sick from the beginning with Lara and it was pretty relentless, so I convinced myself I was just getting poorly. But then I started getting a horrible metallic taste in my mouth, and that was it. I knew I had to get a test.’

  ‘Shit, I got that too,’ Deena replied. ‘First thing I noticed.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Henny, on the sofa next to her. ‘Not so much with Thomas, but definitely with Tallulah.’

  ‘So, I got one of those digital tests and managed to put it out of my mind until Lara was in bed that evening,’ Mel continued. ‘I kept busy that afternoon doing crafty stuff and going for a walk and once she was in bed, I ran a bath. While it was running, I did the test. I thought I was going to get five minutes or so to pluck up the courage to look at it but nearly as soon as my wee hit the end of the stick, the result flashed up that I was bloody pregnant. I was so horrified that I threw the test on the floor and it landed face up, taunting me with the word. PREGNANT, PREGNANT, PREGNANT. It seemed like a really cruel joke.’

  ‘How did you tell him?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘He got back the next day, clutching a gigantic bunch of flowers. I mean, seriously… He played along with the cliché of a cheating husband so perfectly. It should’ve been such a red flag, but knowing that I now had the cells of Lara’s sibling multiplying inside me, I wanted to believe him more than ever. He grovelled a
lot at the beginning and I let him convince me. I really wanted everything to be OK. I kept wondering when I should tell him about the pregnancy, but it was getting late and he wanted to go to bed. I tried to convince him to stay up a bit, but he was falling asleep so I left it. I figured I’d tell him the next day,’ Mel explained.

  ‘But he was back to work the next morning. He left early and had clients to entertain in the evening, so came home after I was already in bed,’ she continued. ‘And the same happened the next day. And the next. And then he was off to Abu Dhabi on a business trip. Life just carried on, with him pretty absent in our life and although I wanted him to be at home, it gave me the chance to carry on ignoring the fact I was pregnant. I didn’t want anybody to know about it – not him, not any of you, nobody. Because if I told everybody, it suddenly became real.’

  ‘I get it,’ Deena said. ‘I was the same with Finley. I totally, totally get it,’ Deena said, squeezing her arm again.

  ‘But I was starting to feel really sick with this pregnancy and it was getting harder and harder to ignore,’ Mel said. ‘Plus, I was started to get a bump. I think I’m double the size I was with Lara at this stage and I knew it wouldn’t be long before Steven noticed. And more importantly, his next trip to Sweden was coming up and I couldn’t let him go back there without telling him.’

  ‘So, you told him?’ Jessica asked.

  Mel nodded in reply.

  ‘When?’ she asked. ‘Today?’

  Mel nodded again and continued. ‘His flight to Stockholm wasn’t until this afternoon, so we had a few hours together this morning. I decided it would be best to go to the park, because we could stroll as we talked. I didn’t think being at home would work so well, because he’d probably be distracted tapping away messages on his phone – as he always bloody does. So off we went to the park, with Lara in the buggy. I felt sick with something – I’m not sure if it was pregnancy or nerves, but it was bloody awful – and about five minutes in, I had to turn and puke into a bush. Steven was staggered, muttering about how he didn’t know I was ill and that we should back towards home. I realised it was my chance. It was now or never.