From Mum With Love

by Louise Emma Clarke

  ‘Oh, not long… About three months ago,’ Jessica replied, feeling uncomfortable.

  ‘Wow, you’ve done well,’ Michelle replied flatly. ‘And nominated for the Blog Network Award too?’

  ‘Yes,’ Jessica replied, wiggling her toes in her sandals. ‘In the newcomer spot.’

  ‘Well, that’s good going,’ Michelle replied, flicking her dark hair over her shoulder as she glanced down at Felicia.

  ‘I haven’t seen the list this year,’ Pearl said. ‘I’ve been totally out of the loop with Delilah arriving. Who else got on it?’

  Jessica wasn’t imagining it; there was definitely an atmosphere between the three of them. And how could she be surprised when she’d taken the place of their friend on the team? Meeting Wendy had given her hope that other bloggers would be as friendly and welcoming as she integrated herself but she was starting to realise it was going to be hard work to be accepted into their gang.

  ‘So it’s Jessica,’ Michelle began, holding out a finger. ‘Then obviously Tig, Jackson from “And Then Came The Kids” and Wendy from “Hiding in the Bathroom.”’ Coming to the end of the shortlist, Melissa had four fingers extended, which they all stared at for a moment, as they visualised each blogger in turn.

  ‘No real surprises Jackson and Wendy are on there. Jackson has been working with some big names recently,’ Pearl said, as Michelle dropped her fingers.

  Jessica shifted in her seat.

  ‘Congrats, love!’ Pearl said, turning to look at her. ‘You must be made up to make that list and get this spot in the team too.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Jessica replied, trying to keep her voice pretty casual. ‘It’s just a shame they couldn’t expand the team, rather than cut people out.’

  ’Look, I’ll be honest,’ Pearl replied, holding both hands in the air. ‘Tiggy is a mate, but we know it’s not your fault! You didn’t make the decision!’

  ‘It wasn’t Maria’s decision either, by all accounts,’ added Michelle, lowering the volume of her voice. ‘We heard it came straight from the top, as they wanted to align the brands with younger faces.’

  Jessica didn’t know what to say. Her mind turned to Mama & Me nights out, imagining Pearl, Michelle, Katherine and Tiggy bonding over drinks at the bar. She thought back to the photoshoot she’d seen of the previous year in this same studio; the four of them laughing together as their children posed at their feet. She imagined them working together as a team, congratulating each other when babies were born, and being invited to each other’s houses for coffees.

  ‘I feel bad about it,’ Jessica finally said. ‘Really bad.’

  ‘Don’t feel bad,’ Michelle replied. Her eyes darted to Pearl, but they looked away again so quickly that Jessica doubted if she’d seen it. ‘I’m sure there’ll be another night out soon. Where are you based? In London?’

  ‘Yes,’ Jessica replied, welcoming the change of subject. ‘Westcombe Park.’

  ‘Great,’ Pearl replied. ‘I’m in Lewisham.’

  ‘Not far from me then!’ Jessica said, taking a deep breath and looking down to watch Bella fitting wooden jigsaw pieces together with Octavia’s help. Out the corner of her eye, she saw Maria making her way over to them from the far side of the studio.

  ‘Hi ladies!’ she said breathlessly, clutching her clipboard under her arm. ‘How are you all doing?’

  ‘Good babe,’ Michelle replied. ‘Seems to be going well?’

  ‘Yes, we’re bang on schedule, which is just the way I like it! Melissa, you’ll be up next. Then Pearl, you’ll be last to go, which should give Delilah a chance to sleep before her big moment. Does that work OK with everyone?’

  Michelle and Pearl nodded.

  ‘Great! Katherine will be finished soon, then we’ll move on,’ Maria said, smiling widely. She turned to Jessica and added: ‘Jessica and Bella, you both did brilliantly and you are free to go whenever you like. But first, let’s have a quick chat about the posts you’re going to put up, as it’s your first time. Have you got time to stroll to my office quickly? It’ll only take a few minutes and I can show you what all the girls shared last year to give you an idea?’

  ‘OK yep, of course. Shall I bring the buggy and my bag?’ Jessica asked, reaching down for Bella’s hand.

  ‘Oh yes, great idea, bring them both and you can head straight off,’ Maria said, pausing as Jessica said goodbye to Pearl and Michelle, and mouthed ‘bye!’ at Katherine as she paused posing briefly to wave.

  The office was just along the corridor from the studio, light and bright, with sunshine streaming through the window and a radio playing on a low volume in the corner. There was a large silver vase on the windowsill, filled with the most beautiful coral-pink peonies. As they walked through the door, Bella rushed towards them and cupped a flower in her hands. ‘Bella, baby, no!’ Jessica said, picking her up and sitting her on her lap as she sat down on the seat opposite Maria’s desk.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about them! My flowers never survive very long. My kids are in here a couple of times a week!’

  Jessica smiled, catching sight of a photo frame on her desk with two boys posing in primary school uniforms. Maria was obviously slightly older than she had assumed. And with this office all to herself, probably more senior than she'd assumed too.

  Outside the office, the desks were arranged in a large, open-plan space. It was nearly lunchtime and staff were milling around, carrying sandwiches and coffees back to their desk, and chatting in pairs as they passed.

  ‘OK so…’ Maria said, sitting down behind at her desk and opening a big black folder in front of her. ‘Here are some of last year’s posts, which we’ve compiled for you to have a look at. We’ll be sending you across the photos from today’s shoot in the next few days and you can just pick your favourite and share it, using the text below here as inspiration. Does that all make sense? I’ll send some pointers over on email when I send the shots, so no need to memorise it.’

  Jessica nodded as Maria slid the folder across the desk. The folder was open on a page with one of Pearl’s post from last year, just a hint of a bump showing in her maxi dress. Tall and willowy, with shortly cropped blonde hair and dramatic black eye makeup, she was certainly photogenic.

  After scanning the page, Jessica flicked over – and there was Tiggy. In that split second, without even being aware she was doing it, she took a sharp intake of breath.

  Maria looked up at her. ‘You OK?’

  ‘Oh sorry, yes,’ Jessica said, embarrassed. But with nothing to lose, she decided to open up. ‘I do feel bad that I’m the one who replaced Tiggy, to be honest. I wish we could both be on the team.’

  Maria sat back in her seat and smiled. She stood up, walked over to the door of her office and shut it gently. ‘We all do, Jessica,’ she said, lowering her voice as she walked back to her desk, ‘but it’s just one of those things that came from the top. Our Managing Director is really passionate about the Mama & Me image being about young, fashionable mummies matching their younger daughters. So naturally, we were going to change the team at some point. He made the decision it would be happening this year – and as Marketing Manager, I have to respect that. It wasn’t much fun delivering the news, as we’ve all bonded as a team over the past few years. But that’s business, I’m afraid. That’s how it works sometimes. And we are all absolutely delighted that you agreed to come and join us. You – and Bella – fit the brand perfectly and we’re excited about seeing the content on your feed in the next few weeks.’

  ‘I understand,’ Jessica said, kissing the back of Bella’s head as she sat quietly in her lap. ‘I just feel terrible for her.’

  ‘Look, Jessica,’ Maria replied, shaking her head. ‘She hasn’t been as gracious about it as I had hoped, and she probably doesn’t deserve your sympathy. But maybe it’s best if we all just move on now and focus on this year’s campaign…’

  ‘How do you mean?’ Jessica interrupted.

  ‘Pardon?’ Maria asked.

  �
�How do you mean “she hasn’t been as gracious as you had hoped”?’ Jessica asked, surprised at her own confidence.

  ‘You’ve read her interview with The Daily Gossip, haven’t you?’ Maria asked, raising her eyebrows.

  Jessica swallowed. ‘No, what did it say?’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Jessica. I just assumed you’d seen it,’ Maria said, averting her eyes down to look at her nails. ‘I’ll leave it for you to read in a quiet moment. But please don’t worry too much when you read it. And believe me, the rest of the team are on board with the new set-up. We’ve spoken extensively about it and I really do think we’re going to have a great year!’

  Jessica smiled weakly, looking back down to the folder as Bella tried to yank the printed sheet from inside. Pulling it back, she took a deep breath and tried to read the words to commit them to memory but they were swimming around the page.

  ‘OK, I’ve got to head back to the studio as Katherine will be finishing up any second. You can stay and look over these a little longer if you like? Just let yourself out when you’re ready to go. You just need the floor “P” to get back down to the plaza in the lift and make sure you hand your visitor pass over to our receptionist on your way out!’

  ‘OK,’ Jessica replied, struggling for words. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘No, thank you, Jessica! And Bella! You were both brilliant today! And we can’t wait to see your post go up and see what all your followers think! See you soon, OK? You can expect an email from me later in the week and we’ll take it from there!’ Maria kissed Jessica on both cheeks, leant down to say goodbye to Bella, and left the office with her clipboard under her arm.

  And as Maria gave them a final wave from behind the glass of her office window as she strolled back past, Jessica wasn’t sure if she wanted to know what was in that interview at all.

  16

  Followers – 31,031

  Emails in inbox – 91

  Event invitations – 52

  Paid collaborations – 1

  Award nominations – 1

  Award shortlists – 1

  Blogger enemies – 1

  Blogger friends – 1

  Dear Bella,

  When you were nine months old, I took you to the park on a crisp and sunny December day. You were wrapped up like a baby burrito in your snowsuit and blankets and exhausted from your ridiculously early morning (I think it was a 5 a.m.-er that day), you fell fast asleep as I pushed you in your buggy towards the park. I had a thermos of coffee in my bag, so I strode up to the hill to my favourite bench and sat down in the sunshine, admiring the view of London in front of me. I often sat on that bench in the first year of your life and took in that sight as you slept, constantly reminding myself what a beautiful part of the world I lived in. In the foreground, trees stripped bare by winter, dog walkers strolling across the green lawn in giant coats and bobble hats, and my breath smoking around me in the air. In the background, boats moving slowly and silently down the Thames, the chestnut brown rooftops of apartment blocks lining it, and the peak of Canary Wharf glinting in the sunshine. After a difficult morning with an overtired baby, I sat back and enjoyed the peace for a while, pulling my scarf higher and my coat around me for warmth.

  But after twenty minutes or so, you started to stir, and knowing that you would be hungry when you woke, I reached into my bag and started to make a bottle of milk. Tipping the powder into the pre-boiled water, replacing the teat, and shaking it all together so it was ready for you to drink. And with the bottle ready, I looked back at you. Your arms were flinching now and your eyes were starting to open, and at that very moment, two new mothers walked past me. Each was pushing a very tiny newborn baby in a bassinet, and once a pang of ‘oh wow, so tiny’ had crossed my mind, I looked up at the mothers to smile. But instead of smiling back at me as I doted on their babies, I noticed they were looking directly at the bottle of milk in my hands with surprised eyes.

  They were in the middle of a conversation and didn’t break their step, their words inaudible to me as they disappeared off down the path. But suddenly, I felt so aware of that bottle of milk in my hands. ‘Were they judging me?’ I wondered, as I glanced back at them. ‘Did they think you were still a tiny baby and that I should be breastfeeding?’ I asked myself, as I looked down at the bottle in my hand. And the pangs of guilt started to stir in my mind.

  I had stopped breastfeeding you when you were about six months old, Bella. We had got to grips with it after the difficulties in the early days and found a rhythm together, but the truth is that I never really liked doing it (even typing that makes me feel bad, but I was so proud of myself to get that far). And since I made the decision to move to bottles, we haven’t looked back. Life somehow became easier. I felt more like myself again. In fact, I even suggested to Daddy that we burnt my feeding bras on a bonfire in the garden in celebration – and whilst this was disappointingly vetoed, he did agree to join me on a shopping trip to buy some new lingerie. And I enjoyed wearing it, Bella! No clips on my shoulder, no milk stains on the cups, and no lingering aroma whenever I pulled off my bra at the end of the day.

  But it was about more than just new bras. It was about getting my body back. It was about being able to plan my day without making pit stops in places I felt confident enough to whip a boob out and feed you. It was about not having to plan my outfits around buttons to unbutton, tops to lift, or zips to unzip. Don’t get me wrong, Bella – I know how lucky I was to breastfeed you for so long, but I was ready to stop. Very ready to stop. And since that last feedback in September, when you confirmed everything by grabbing and scratching me in frustration as you fed before bed, I hadn’t regretted it for a second.

  Until that moment on a park bench, that is. Seeing those new mothers glance down at your ready-made bottle as they strolled along. Of course, I don’t know what they were thinking. They were probably deep in conversation and weren’t really seeing the bottle at all. But I felt it. I felt judged.

  And as I sat there holding the bottle, I suddenly felt the December chill and started to shiver. I pulled you from your buggy and you sat in my lap, barely able to move in your ridiculously bulky snowsuit, feeding hungrily and happily from your bottle.

  And as I stared down into your eyes, I told you I was sorry.

  Even though I wasn’t really sorry at all.

  Love from Mummy x

  *

  Jessica was still sitting in Maria’s office - and her mind was now very firmly on The Daily Gossip. She had dipped into that website occasionally in the past when a headline grabbed her attention – and she was aware that they had started to treat bloggers with the same interest as celebrities. She knew they wouldn’t be worried about stirring up a bit of drama – and if Tiggy was as offended as Jessica feared she was, she doubted her feelings would have been considered at all.

  Finding it impossible to focus on the folder in front of her, Jessica decided it was time to head home. Moments later, Bella was back in her buggy with a box of raisins in her hands and the two of them began their journey back to the station and towards home.

  Jessica knew that reading that interview wasn’t going to make her feel better, but still, she couldn’t stop herself needing to read it. And if Bella fell asleep in her buggy on the journey home, she was planning to pull her phone out of her bag and try and find it.

  And that was exactly what happened.

  As the train hurtled towards Westcombe Park, with Bella snoring gently in the buggy next to her, Jessica started searching, scrolling, and clicking. Frustratingly, the interview took a few minutes to load as the train weaved its way in and out of mobile coverage. But finally, there it was on the page, the full interview, complete with one of the photos of last year’s Mama & Me shoot that Jessica had been staring at in the black folder only an hour before.

  TIGGY TALKS MOTHERHOOD!

  Tiggy Blenheim is no stranger to blogger highs, blogger spats, and blogger grudges - and she reveals all to Daily Gossip in this tell-all intervie
w!

  Jessica skim read the beginning of the interview, scanning her eyes down the page quickly to find the part Maria was alluding to.

  And it was then that she saw it.

  TDG: OK, so we’ve heard about the highs that come with blogging. But what about the lows?

  T: The lows?

  TDG: Oh, come on Tiggy, there must be some!

  T: Oh, there’s plenty. Believe me, there’s plenty…

  TDG: Now we’re talking!

  T: (raises eyebrows).

  TDG: Come on! Spill! What has bothered you?

  T: I’m not sure how much I should say…

  TDG: Tell us everything!

  T: OK, well there is something.

  TDG: We knew it!

  T: You know what, I’m only human. And when I lose a campaign I’ve been part of for years because apparently my face is too old, it stings a little.

  TDG: Too old?! But you’re a spring chicken!

  TG: Ha ha, well thanks. But apparently not…

  TDG: Well, that’s outrageous. So are you going to name and shame the company? We do like a bit of a name and shame here at The Daily Gossip!

  T: No, because I’m a professional. I enjoyed working with them. It was a long-term thing. But they know who they are. And they know exactly what they’ve done.

  TDG: So did they replace you?

  T: (nods)

  TDG: Wow, it gets worse. Who with?

  T: (shrugging) Oh, I can’t remember her name – but she knows who she is. It’s clear that she agreed to take my place, knowing why I was being thrown off the campaign. And I don’t tend to forget things like that.

  TDG: Somehow we aren’t surprised that you’re holding a grudge on this one Tiggy… So it isn’t a blog we’ll know about?

  T: I very much doubt it.

  TDG: (laughing) It’s rubbish, isn’t it?

  T: (stays silent)

  DG: Come on Tiggy! This is The Daily Gossip!

  T: Let’s just say that your time is probably better spent reading something else, yes.

  As the train sped towards home, Jessica read it over and over again. And when she didn’t think she could read any more, she sat back in the seat and stared out of the window. Bridges daubed in graffiti, skyscrapers reflecting the sun like beacons, station signs passing so quickly the words blurred, and postage-stamp back gardens with children jumping on trampolines. It all flashed past but Jessica didn’t see any of it. She was lost in her own world, imagining Tiggy sitting on a sofa chatting to the interviewer. Smirking at the thought of Jessica trying to take her place.