Before We Say Goodbye

by Michelle Pennington

  “What?” Tate asked. He didn’t sound so cheerful anymore. Great.

  “I’ve already sent in my application. I did it this morning.”

  “Why?” His voice was raw, harsh.

  “I thought you’d be happy about it since I won’t be going anywhere.”

  “Happy about you not going to college?” He stood up and walked over to the window, not looking at me. “We talked about this. Kat, I never made any attempt to date you before now because I knew it could never go anywhere—at least not for years. And then only if you didn’t find something better—which you will.”

  “I couldn’t,” I answered simply, standing up. As hard as it was to face Piper’s anger, this felt like the ground was falling away beneath me.

  “I should never have kissed you that night. I was just too weak—I wanted a little bit of time with you before we had to say goodbye. It was selfish, sure, but I never wanted to hurt you.” He looked at me then, his eyes fierce. “And now I have.”

  “No, you haven’t. I’m not doing this for you.”

  “Really? Okay, Kat. Let’s see.” He walked over and picked up his box again. “Let’s see if this what you still want when I’m not part of the equation.” And then he walked out.

  Just like that, he left.

  Piper, who had been watching us with her mouth hanging open, asked softly, “Did he just break up with you?”

  Biting my lip was not doing much to stop it from trembling, and when she asked that, my eyes flushed with the heat of tears. “I think so.”

  She stood up. “What a…jerk!”

  “No, he’s not,” I argued. “He’s an idiot. And just like everybody else, he just won’t believe that I can make my own decisions.” I sniffed hard and reached for a tissue from the table next to me. When I tried to speak, my voice shuddered. “And I guess that’s my fault because I’ve never shown anybody I could.”

  “And maybe we never let you either,” she said, sitting down on the couch. “Did you really keep your feelings hidden about Tate all these years because of me?”

  I nodded, still wiping my nose. “And I didn’t tell you to leave me alone about the whole first kiss thing.”

  “Oh man. I’m sorry. I really can be pushy, huh?”

  “Yes. But I love that about you too. You make things happen. I wish I did.”

  “Well, you are now, right?”

  “Yeah. And that’s going so well.”

  “Hey. I guarantee you Tate is already regretting what he said.”

  “You think so?”

  “Definitely. Not that he’ll do anything about it because he’s like most guys—stubborn. You need to go after him.”

  “Now?”

  She nodded. “Unless you want to spend the next three months away from him proving that you really do want to go to beauty school and aren’t just doing it to be with him.”

  “I’m all snotty and my eyes are red.”

  “Good. It will make him feel bad that you’re crying. Go. I’ll text you the address of his apartment. He’s probably heading there with his junk.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, even though I felt like I might shatter any minute. “What do I say?”

  She shook her head as if exasperated at me. “Why do you have to say anything at all? Trust me, he won’t argue with a more…physical communication. Just, not here. Eww.”

  I grabbed her and hugged her tight. “You’re the best. Thank you.”

  She hugged me back, then pushed me away. “Hurry up, before I remember all the reasons why this weirds me out.”

  And once again, I did what she said. But this time, because it’s what I wanted to do.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The only thing going for me as I pulled up in front of the apartment Piper had sent me to was that my sparkly heels were still in my front seat. I grabbed them in one hand, ran up to the second-floor landing, and knocked on what I hoped was the right door.

  A guy I didn’t know answered, which threw me for a second. “Is Tate here?”

  He looked me over and whistled softly. “You’re her, huh? Tate, your girl is here.” As he spoke, the guy opened the door wider and stepped back in time for me to see Tate come out of one of the bedrooms. He stared at me. “Kat?”

  “I figured you might want these.” And then, not bothering to aim, I threw them at him. He easily ducked out of the way, but from his raised eyebrows, I’d at least surprised him.

  “You just got them. Why’d you bring them back?”

  “We both know you kept them in the first place because you wanted me and couldn’t have me. So, if you’re going to dump me for the stupidest reason I ever heard of, you can cuddle with them when you’re missing me. Because you will, you know.”

  A sharp crack of laughter exploded from his roommate. “Dang, dude.”

  Tate threw him an exasperated look and came toward me. “Kat…”

  “What? Am I wrong? Or are you going to admit now how stupid you were to break up with me?”

  “I didn’t break up with you.” Not looking away from me, he said, “Adam, can you please go away?”

  “Sure man. Just text me an all-clear, okay? I don’t want to walk in on anything.”

  Tate ignored him, so I did too. When the door closed behind him though, neither one of us moved. Then I remembered that I was going to go after what I wanted. “I chose beauty school because I want to be a cosmetologist, not because I’m desperately trying to stay close to you.”

  “Are you sure? Because I wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

  Then I discovered it was possible to laugh and cry at the same time. It’s not pretty. “Shut up. Don’t make me laugh after hurting me like this.”

  Frowning, he ran his hands through his hair. “Man, I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do except get out of the way so you didn’t screw up your life over me.”

  “Who says I want you out of the way? And why are you so sure I’d be screwing up my life? I know you’ve always seen me as a little girl, but I’m not anymore.”

  He came toward me, slowly, but deliberately, and tugged on my hips to pull me closer. “I do not see you as a little girl. Trust me. Watching you grow up has not been an easy thing to ignore, no matter how much I tried to.”

  “You said Piper was an annoying little sister.”

  “She is.”

  “She’s also five months older than me.”

  “I fail to see your point. Piper could be forty years old and still be my little sister. You, on the other hand, ceased to be a little girl to me when you were about fifteen.”

  “Really?”

  “Man, it was crazy awkward the first time I realized how attracted I was to you. Why is it so hard to believe?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m super insecure about whether or not you actually like me. I want to believe it—desperately. But…”

  Tate’s brows scrunched together as he brushed my hair back behind my shoulder. “Well, apart from the crap I said earlier—which I didn’t even mean by the way—why is it so hard?”

  “You do go through girlfriends like disposable straws.”

  Instead of answering, he took my hand and led me over to an ugly plaid couch and pulled me down on his lap. “Yeah. I did. And I know you have no reason to believe this is different, but it is. I was trying to distract myself because you were always so close. And how could I make a move on you? You were my sister’s friend and always at the house—and I mean, always at my house. Think how awkward it would have been if you’d rejected me. Or if we’d dated and then broken up. Plus, I knew as well as you did that Piper would hate it. Does hate it.”

  “I’m a little hopeful she’s going to be okay with it though. She did tell me to get over here and fix things with you.”

  “Did she? Huh. That’s good because, if you’re sure it’s not my fault you’re giving up college, I mean for this to last. I’ve never dated anyone I was in love with before, so believe me, this is completely different than any
other relationship I’ve had.”

  My breath caught. “Say that again.”

  “What? That I love you? Man, you don’t even know how much. I’d been trying to convince myself I didn’t, but that was impossible after I found you in my room trying to get your shoes. After holding you in my arms—even for that brief second—I couldn’t do it anymore. Especially since I made the mistake of dropping you on my bed. That pretty much screwed up my resolve. And then you go to the beach looking like a Vogue model in that black swimsuit so that I couldn’t keep my eyes off you—”

  “Oh, right,” I interrupted him. “With Amanda there.”

  “Don’t think she didn’t notice. She wasn’t surprised when I broke up with her that night. And then you and that guy…”

  “He was nice, you know. I felt kind of bad that he didn’t even have a chance because I was so crazy about you.”

  “Yeah, that was the last straw for me. I didn’t care if I only had the summer with you—I wanted everything I could get.”

  I cupped my hands around his tanned, masculine face and drank in the sight of him, of his blue eyes gleaming with love for me. “And I want every day I can get with you. Because I love you, too. Even though you drive me insane.”

  “Perfect. So, we’re all caught up here, right? We’re in this together—figuring out life and spending as much of it together as we can?”

  “Absolutely.”

  He leaned down to kiss me but paused. “Just as a side note—are you always going to throw your shoes at me?”

  “Are you always going to annoy me?”

  “I’d say that’s a certainty, Katie-bug.”

  He was impossible.

  And so wonderful. And all mine. So, I kissed him and sank into the moment. Because I still didn’t have all the answers and the future was still scary, but right now was perfect.

  Epilogue

  Sadie

  Piper and I had been laying out in silence long enough for me to get really into my book when she groaned—a pained, disgusted sound.

  “What?” I asked, looking around to see what was so terrible.

  “If my brother kisses Kat one more time, I’m going to throw sand in his eyes.”

  I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing. It had only been a few days since we all found out Tate and Kat were dating. I thought it was adorable, but Piper was—understandably—taking longer to get used to it. “That might be a little over-the-top, don’t you think?”

  “No.” She sat up and faced away from Kat and Tate. “I mean, maybe. I get that they’re, like, in love or whatever, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch it.”

  Resigned to the fact that Piper wasn’t going to let me read anymore, I put my book down on my chest with the pages open so I wouldn’t lose my place and looked over at the two love birds. They were hanging out in the water together, waist deep. They broke apart every time a wave crashed through, but as the water settled down between sets, Tate hooked an arm around Kat’s waist and pulled her back to him. They didn’t kiss this time, but the way they looked at each other was just as potent.

  “Man, they are one cute couple,” I said, feeling only a little jealous. They were both friends of mine and I was glad to see they were happy. It was just tough knowing that I’d never have a guy look at me like that. A sharp pang shot through my chest at the thought and my fingers gripped my book. Reading was my escape—my only chance to experience the thrill and rush and dizzy heights of love. Even if it was in a second-hand fantasy sort of way, it was better than nothing.

  Piper looked back over her shoulder at them. “Yeah, I guess they are. Know what Kat said?”

  “Not till you tell me.”

  Piper gave me a straight look, not appreciating my attempt to lighten her mood. “She said that Tate was actually her first kiss, not that Jack dude she went out with.”

  Okay, that was juicy info. I sat up, completely interested now. “What?”

  “Apparently, Tate was so freaked out that someone else might kiss her first that he went over there before her date and laid one on her.”

  “Oh my gosh. That is just…wow. So romantic.”

  “I guess, but it makes me feel like an idiot. I was trying so hard to set her up with some guy just so she could be kissed and the whole time my brother had the hots for her. It’s a good thing I’m giving up on the whole summer of kisses plan because I apparently stink at it.”

  “Wait, what?” I asked. “You’re giving up on it?”

  “Yeah. Kat says I’m too bossy and pushing you guys into something you don’t even want.”

  It surprised me how disappointed I was. Truthfully, it had been completely stressing me out that at any minute, Piper was going to move past her sulks over Kat and Tate and remember that I was next on her list.

  Part of me was sort of hopeful that she could make it happen when I had so completely and utterly failed at it for years now. But I also didn’t want to face the rejection and disappointment that would certainly come along with trying. It had been a back-and-forth argument in my mind ever since she’d brought it up that night after graduation. Hearing her say she was done with it decided me once and for all.

  But cautious, as always, I said, “Why do you care so much about our kissing status anyway?”

  Piper didn’t answer for a minute. Instead, she grabbed a handful of sand and let it run through her fingers. “I don’t know. It was so crazy that none of you have ever kissed someone. And here we are about to go in different directions with just one more summer together. It just felt like…something to make it special. One more thing to do together, you know?”

  I nodded. “It’s probably for the best that you’re giving it up. I mean, you were definitely going to have a challenge on your hands with me.”

  She looked up at me, her brows scrunching together in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, you know. Kat is thin and funny and popular. I’m the big nerd of the group.” I motioned at my body. “Emphasis on big.”

  “You mean you have us all beat when it comes to curves and brains? Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Well, you’re my friend, so you have to act like it’s a good thing.” Needing to escape from all the feelings this conversation dredged up inside me, I picked up my book again. Then Piper slapped it out of my hands. “Hey.”

  “Don’t you dare stick your nose in that book again until we’re done with this conversation. Sadie, you are so gorgeous. I see guys checking you out all the time, but you never see them because you’re…” she grabbed my book and waved it around, “…too focused on this crap.”

  “It’s not crap,” I said, reaching for it.

  “I can’t believe you made Valedictorian when you rot your brain with this garbage. I mean, look at this.” She pointed to the hot and totally buff man on the cover. “Nobody looks like this in real life.”

  I shrugged. “That’s not what I like about it.”

  “Oh, sure.”

  “No really. I like reading about guys who just fall totally and completely in love with someone…and that it’s forever.”

  “How can it be forever when the book ends when they’ve only just gotten together?”

  “You just know it will be.”

  “Oh my gosh, Sadie. We have got to get you dating someone. Dating. Not dreaming of soul mates and eternal devotion when you’re eighteen.”

  “Okay, fine. Go for it then. Find someone for me.”

  “You think I can’t? Girl, you are going to have your first kiss in no time. It’s going to be epic and awesome and curl your toes. You will feel beautiful and finally understand how attractive you are. And it’s okay that it probably won’t turn into anything serious because you’re going to freaking Cornell, and you’re going to meet so many other amazing guys to date. Right? Doesn’t that sound awesome?”

  Not as awesome as soul-mates, but… “Sure. I’m in.”

  She leaned forward and gave me a h
igh-five. “Oh yeah.”

  As she settled back down on her towel to again, I glanced back out to Tate and Kat as they walked back toward the shore hand in hand. Those two looked like they’d found way more than just a summer fling. No matter what Piper said, there was no harm in hoping I might find that too.

  ***

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  Acknowledgements

  I would like to thank my family, as always, for their love and support.

  Thanks to my critique partners, Amy Meyer, Victorine Lieske, and Judy Corry.

  I love working with all of you, staying late with you, and podcasting with you. (Even though my phone pings a lot.)

  Thank you to my cover designer, Lynn Lee

  Special thanks to my editors Cara Seger and Tabitha Kocsis

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