by Dawn, M. K.
“And it’s not like we have a choice in the matter,” Archer added. He and Axel had become close friends over the year. “There are things we need that the farm can’t provide. Medical supplies being top on the list. Heat in the winter pushing a close second.”
Britney turned to Sloan. “What do you think about all this? About the man you love goin’ out into the world?”
Sloan didn’t have to give it much thought. “It’s what we must do to survive. Considering the outcome of the past outings, the rewards outweigh the risk.”
Archer furrowed his brow. “We?”
“Yes.” Sloan didn’t understand why he seemed so surprised. “We need medical supplies, and I’m the one who knows what we need. It only makes sense that I go.”
“You have to be jokin’!” Britney threw her hands up. “It’s dangerous out there.”
Britney might be Sloan’s older sister, but sometimes, Sloan felt like the more mature one. “I know the last time you ventured out, things went bad, but what we encountered in The Bunker...” Sloan took a moment to block the memories that haunted her dreams. “I can take care of myself.”
Britney chewed on her bottom lip. “And where do you plan on gettin’ these medical supplies we so desperately need?”
Archer and Axel looked at each other before Axel answered, “The hospital where we went to get the supplies for Blake after he broke his leg. It’s the only one we know of that hasn’t been destroyed.”
“A year ago. Anything could have happened since then.” Britney jumped from her seat. “Fine. Go if you think it’s the only option we have, but I want no part of it.”
She stormed off toward the door.
“Britney, wait!” Sloan called out.
She whirled around. “What?”
“The meeting isn’t over yet.” Sloan thought it silly she had to point that out. “As president, you are required to stay until the end.”
“Meetin’ adjourned!” Britney left, slamming the door behind her.
Sloan closed her notebook and rose from her chair. “That ended rather abruptly, but I can’t say I’m disappointed. I do need to prepare for my class today.”
“Slash.” Archer looked up at her from the chair he still occupied.
“What?” She glanced around the room. “Why is everyone still sitting? Our bi-laws clearly state that the president dismisses the meeting.”
Axel threw his hands in the air. “Your sister is upset. Doesn’t that bother you?”
“She went through a terrible trauma, and now, people she loves are going back to that same place. Her fear is understandable but irrational.”
Axel furrowed his brow. “How is that irrational?”
“Because what happened to the two of you happened more than a year ago. Circumstances have changed since then.”
“Doesn’t mean something bad won’t happen,” Axel argued.
“But it also doesn’t guarantee something bad will happen, either.” Sloan tucked her things in her bag. “You should go talk to her. Try to reassure her that we will take all the necessary precautions to ensure all goes as planned. She listens to you. More than anyone.”
Axel left the room, mumbling under his breath.
“Is he angry?” At times, Sloan struggled to grasp the display of human emotion without verbal cues.
Makayla clasped her hands. “I don’t know how much of it is anger or frustration. For those who don’t know you well, sometimes, your analytical way of thinking comes off cold and uncaring.”
“That wasn’t my intention. I only meant—”
Makayla held up her hand to stop her. “You don’t have to explain it to me. I know how much you love your sister. So does Axel. Just next time, maybe try and remember that not all of us look at the world in such a rational way.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Sloan checked her watch. “I need to get ready for the medical training class. Unless there’s anything we need to discuss?”
“Since both Axel and Britney have left,” Archer said, “I think it’s safe to say the meeting is officially over. I guess we’ll have to wait ‘til next week to plan the supply run.”
Sloan slung her bag over her shoulder. “Sounds good.”
CHAPTER TWO
Britney burst from the house and into an open pasture she knew would be free of on-lookers. Her heart raced; her vision blurred. She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Black spots danced before her eyes.
She collapsed to the ground, pulled her knees to her chest, and wept.
Memories flooded her mind, and she was powerless to stop them.
The near-kidnapping of her children, the attack on her husband and the hospital. They all left scars on her soul that refused to heal.
Most days, she controlled the anxiety, but from time to time, it reared its ugly head and presented itself in the form of a panic attack.
She sucked in a breath, trying to calm herself. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Over the past year, she’d managed to keep her symptoms hidden. She didn’t want people to see her as weak when it was her job to keep this town afloat.
“Brit?”
She startled at the sound of Axel’s voice.
“Yeah. Just a second.” She stumbled to her feet and wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks.
“What are you doing out here, babe?”
She kept her back to him so he wouldn’t see her red, blotchy face. “Nothing. Just checkin’ on the fence. A heifer is about to give birth, and I wanted to put her and the calf in here so we can keep an eye on them.”
“Brit,” Axel grasped her hand and spun her, “what’s wrong?”
“Nothin’.” She tore her hand from his. “I’m fine.”
“Crying alone in an empty field doesn’t scream fine to me.”
Britney blew out a weighted breath. “I wasn’t crying.”
“Bullshit.” Axel moved closer. “Did you have another panic attack?”
“What? I don’t have panic attacks,” she stuttered.
Axel cocked his head but didn’t say a word, just kept his knowing eyes trained on her face.
It took a couple of seconds, but Britney caved. “Who else knows?”
Axel shrugged. “No one’s said anything to me.”
A small glimmer of relief washed through her. “Thank God. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m...”
When she didn’t finish, Axel completed her sentence. “Weak?”
Britney lowered her chin to her chest.
“Listen to me, Brit. There’s not a chance in hell anyone here would think you’re weak. No matter how many times you break down.”
Britney wiped away a stray tear. She wanted to believe him, she really did, but she couldn’t risk others knowing how much she struggled these days. “Don’t say anythin’. Please.”
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
She turned to walk away when Axel took her hand again.
“Being scared isn’t the same as being weak. You’ve been through a lot of trauma, have been put in some terrible situations, but you’re a survivor. This place is evidence of that.”
Tears clogged Britney’s throat, but she held them back. If she allowed herself to break again, she’d be powerless to stop the overwhelming sadness from taking over. “I need to go check on the kids.”
“They’re safe at school with Rainey.”
As wonderful and caring as Axel was, he could never grasp the depth of her anxiety. Partly because she rarely showed that side of herself for fear of rejection. “I know they’re safe, but I still want to see them—need to see them.”
Axel’s grip tightened. “You know you can talk to me about anything. Including what you’re going through.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” Britney choked on the words.
He pulled her to his chest. “The helplessness you feel as a parent? The agony of failing even after you’ve done everything in your power to protect her? I understand that all too well.”
Axel kissed the top of her head. “You are the most generous, kind-hearted woman I’ve ever met in my life.”
“You give me too much credit,” Britney scoffed.
“And you never give yourself enough.” Axel squeezed her a little tighter before letting her go. “Check on the kids. Put your mind at ease. Try to keep yourself busy. That always helps me when things get to be too much.”
Britney blinked away the tears that refused to stop falling. “You’ve never mentioned that before.”
“What?”
“That you get scared.”
“Scared? Me? Never.” A sly smile tugged at his lips. “Scared shitless...all the damn time.”
He might be a badass biker with sleeve tattoos and a pair of guns strapped to his back, but he wasn’t afraid to show his softer side. At least, in front of her and the kids.
“Thank you.”
Axel cupped her cheeks and kissed her with such passion, it took her breath away. He squeezed her butt and nipped at her bottom lip. “Now go do whatever it is you do all day.”
She tilted her head back and batted her eyes. He always had a way of making her feel better, secure. “I guess I should.”
Axel leaned in and kissed her again. “Or we could find somewhere a little more private...”
Britney’s body tingled with anticipation. “A few more minutes wouldn’t—”
“Britney!” A panic-stricken voice startled them both.
“What the hell?” Axel reached for a gun.
Britney grabbed Axel’s arm. “Wait. It sounds like Nathaniel. He tends to overreact.”
Just as she said his name, Nathaniel rushed past the open gate as fast as his scrawny legs could move.
He skidded to a stop in front of them, holding his thick, black-rimmed glasses to his face, and bent over coughing and gasping for air. “Britney...I’ve...I’ve....”
“Where’s your inhaler?” How many times had Sloan told him not to go anywhere without it?
He dug it out of his pocket and took a puff. “We need you...the barn...Blue Bell...”
“Blue Bell?” Axel asked.
“The heifer.” Britney knelt in front of Nathaniel. “What’s wrong?”
“Backward...”
“Shit! She’s in trouble. I have to go!”
***
“Can you believe we pulled that calf all by ourselves?” Juliet tied her long black hair into a high ponytail. The seventeen-year-old’s shirt and jeans were covered in afterbirth, but she didn’t seem to mind.
Britney crouched beside the new bull calf. “He looks good. So does mom. Excellent job, all of you.”
Three of the ten teenagers who were part of Makayla’s group had been in the Future Farmers of America in high school. With a background in raising livestock, Britney brought them on to help with the crops and animals.
“I can’t believe we did it!” Nathaniel bounced on the balls of his feet.
All heads snapped in his direction, including Britney’s.
“We?” Juliet’s younger brother, Diego’s face tightened. “You freaked, man. Went screaming out of here like a little girl who saw a spider.”
Nathaniel stared down at his feet, cheeks red. He was a strange guy with no friends, but he had a good heart. He reminded her of a lot of Sloan at sixteen, which made Britney more protective over him than the others.
“Diego, don’t.” Britney squeezed Nathaniel’s shoulder. “He came and got me, which was the right thing to do. Just because you guys pulled the calf without complications doesn’t mean there couldn’t have been any. And then, what would you have done? We are all we have left in the world. We can’t be fighin’ about stupid things or puttin’ each other down.” She didn’t want to nag but needed them to understand the seriousness of the situation.
Nathaniel lifted his head. “Still, I should have remained calm. I’ll work on that.”
His maturity always surprised her. Most sixteen-year-old kids would have taken her words as defending his actions. But not Nathaniel. His ability to self-reflect put most adults to shame.
“Sorry, bro,” Diego mumbled and slapped Nathaniel on the back. “I’ll go check on the rest of the animals in the barn. Is there anything else you need me to do, Ms. Britney?”
She lost count of how many times she’d asked him to drop the “Ms.” And he would, for ten minutes or so, and then revert back. “Not that I can think of at the moment, but I’ll let you know.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He turned around to head toward the back of the barn but paused next to Nathaniel. “Want to come help me, bro?”
Nathaniel beamed. “Really?”
“I could use another set of hands, and you’re a smart guy.”
“Cool.” Nathaniel did his best to hide his excitement before they disappeared out of sight.
“It’s hard, you know.” Juliet kicked the dirt around with the old cowboy boots Britney had given her.
“What’s that?”
“Letting go of the person you once were before all of this happened.”
Britney studied Juliet’s face. “And what kind of person was that?”
“A bitch.” Juliet laughed. “I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. Varsity cheerleader, homecoming queen, voted most popular three years in a row. I looked down on everyone that wasn’t in my circle. Guys like Nathaniel.”
“Not much has changed,” Britney said without thinking, but she quickly backtracked, “in regards to Nathaniel. Not the being a bitch part. I’ve just never seen you really talk to him much.”
“He’s different, you know.” A light blush touched her cheeks. “But kind. And sweet. Sort of cute, in a nerdy kind of way.”
Britney smiled. “You like him?”
Juliet averted her eyes. “It’s not like there’s a lot of guys to choose from.”
“I think it’s great.”
“You do?” Juliet’s eyes brightened. “Really?”
Poor girl must not have anyone to talk to if she had picked an adult to share something so personal with.
“I do. As much as this new world sucks, and believe me, it sucks most of the time, it also allows us to get to know people who we never would have known before. Like Axel. He terrified me the first time I saw him.”
“For real? He’s so hot.”
Britney hooked her arm with Juliet and led her out of the cattle pen. Britney took a seat on a bale of hay and patted the space beside her. “Sit.”
Juliet plopped down beside her. “So, you were scared of Axel?”
Britney laughed. “Maybe scared isn’t the right word. Leary might be better. The point is, I would have never dated a man who looked the way he looks if it wasn’t for the apocalypse.”
“It’s such a weird thing, isn’t it—the apocalypse.”
Britney chuckled. “The weirdest.”
“This is nice.” Juliet flipped her hair. “To have someone to talk to about stuff like this. You know, someone normal.”
Britney busted out laughing. “Oh, Lord. I know it’s completely wrong for me to admit, but I feel the same way. It’s like the Island of Misfit Toys around here.” She sighed as a wave of sadness washed over her.
“You okay?” Juliet asked.
“Yes.” Britney pushed away her sorrow. “What I said just now, the misfit toys, it just reminded me of how much we’ve lost. How much we took for granted.”
Every year, before the apocalypse, the kids, John, and she would watch Christmas movies while decorating the tree. The time-honored tradition dated back to when she was a child. It was overwhelming to think they’d never do that again.
“Did you hear me, Britney?” Juliet’s voice brought her back to the present.
Britney massaged her temples. “Sorry, I must have zoned out for a second. What wer
e you saying?”
“Just that I have to go. I have lunch duty today. Angie will be pissed if I’m late.”
About a year ago, Angie took charge of the communal meals. She was damn good in the role. Sometimes a little scary, but she made sure they always had just enough food for everyone without much in the way of leftovers.
“Yes. Go! But change and shower first. You’re filthy.”
Juliet gave herself a once over. “Eww.”
Britney chuckled. “Won’t be the last time. I’ve lost count on how many calves I’ve had to pull.”
“I’ll be back later this evening to check on mama and baby.”
“Thanks.”
Juliet paused before leaving. “So, I’ll see you then?”
“Ye...no. I think you guys can handle the evening rounds.” She’d been hovering for over a year now. It was time she allowed them some space.
“Really?” Juliet’s eyes widened. “You trust us to do it on our own?”
“I do. Just promise me if there are any problems, big or small, that you don’t know how to handle, you won’t try to fix them on your own. Come find me so we can fix it together. As a team.”
“We will! The others are going to be so excited!” Juliet squealed, bouncing from foot to foot. “I can’t wait to tell them!”
“You can tell them after lunch.” Britney shooed her toward the house. “Don’t piss Angie off. You’ll end up with cleaning duty as well.”
“Oh, God! Lunch, Angie. I totally forgot. I got to go.”
Britney laughed as she watched Juliet race out of the barn. “Crazy girl.”
***
After an hour roaming from barn to barn, checking on the various animals, Britney headed toward the school. As hard as she tried, she could no longer bury the anxiety plaguing her.
She needed to check on her children. Even though, rationally, she knew they were fine, she had to see for herself. Over the past few months, she had been stopping by more and more—always with a valid excuse—but it was becoming a habit. One people must have noticed. One she needed to put an end before she fell completely over the edge.
“Hey, Britney.” Rainey waved her over. Britney had still not gotten used to the petite woman’s pixie style haircut. With her leather jacket and tattoos, she reminded Britney of an eighties punk rocker.
