Tristan's Despair (2019 Reissue)

by Lavinia Lewis

  He was surprised when he saw a trace of anger flash over Joey’s face.

  “You’re asking me to give up on my dreams—to forget about everything I’ve worked so hard for these past years. I care about you, truly, but that’s not something I’m prepared to do, even for you.”

  Tristan could do nothing but nod and cling onto what little pride he had left. Joey had made himself perfectly clear. He didn’t want Tristan. If he cared about him, he wouldn’t be able to walk away with such ease.

  “I understand.”

  He was surprised at how calm his voice sounded when on the inside he was anything but.

  “I guess I’d better make a move,” Joey said hesitantly as if he were waiting for Tristan to try to stop him.

  When Tristan did nothing, Joey cast a cursory glance around the room before walking to his suitcase and bending to pick it up.

  “Let me,” Tristan offered and lifted the case before Joey could protest.

  The gesture had been mainly to keep his hands busy so that he wouldn’t grab hold of Joey and beg him to reconsider. He didn’t know what sort of lasting impression he would leave on his mate, but he didn’t want Joey to remember him as desperate and pathetic even if that was how he felt.

  Exiting the room, Tristan waited for Joey to shut the door and join him out in the hall before making his way downstairs with his mate following in his wake. The reception desk was empty when they passed. Joey pulled a key out of his pocket and placed it on the desk then followed Tristan outside into the parking lot.

  Tristan put down the suitcase then slowly turned to face his mate. When it occurred to him that he wouldn’t be able to use that phrase again, his heart ached with more sorrow and despair than any one person should be able to stand.

  It weighed heavily on his soul, threatening to consume him.

  How had it come to this?

  Tristan didn’t need to ask that question aloud because he already knew the answer. He had seen the fear and panic in Joey’s eyes in the parking lot of Bob’s garage while he had stood up to Cade. The same emotions had been visible when Tristan had told him about Evelyn Armstrong and her reign of terror. It had been obvious how much all of that had affected Joey. It would be enough to put any man off.

  Joey would have to be crazy to willingly choose to live in Tristan’s world.

  “Goodbye, Tristan,” Joey whispered.

  He lifted his suitcase then walked towards his car and Tristan had to fight the impulse to throw himself at his mate’s feet and pathetically cling to his ankles while he begged him to stay. His wolf howled inside him—he wanted Tristan to grab Joey and drag him back inside. His wolf wasn’t opposed to using force to get what they both wanted.

  Hope swelled in his chest when Joey’s steps slowed and he turned to meet Tristan’s gaze. But it quickly diminished when Joey spoke.

  “I’ll miss you,” he whispered. “Take care of yourself, okay? For me.”

  Tristan wanted to shout and scream and rage.

  He wanted to ask why the hell he should do anything for Joey when he was leaving and, in the process, shattering Tristan’s heart into a thousand pieces. Instead, he nodded compliantly and tried not to choke on the lump in his throat, which had suddenly grown to epic proportions.

  He didn’t trust his voice to reply although there was nothing left to say anyway—nothing that would make a lick of difference. Tristan considered begging Joey to let him go with him, but he didn’t see the point. If Joey wanted him, he would have suggested it himself. He clearly felt he didn’t belong in Tristan’s world―didn’t belong with a wolf shifter.

  Joey smiled, but the expression seemed forced and artificial. His eyes were filled with sadness and something that looked like regret, but then his countenance changed.

  He appeared even more resolute.

  With an ache in his heart that wouldn’t abate, Tristan was still standing in the lot thirty minutes after Joey’s Taurus had disappeared out of sight, hoping and praying that it might make a reappearance.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Did you have another sleepless night?” Kelly asked, studying Joey’s face with the clinical calculation of a homicide detective. “You have bags under your eyes that Louis Vuitton would be proud of.”

  Lowering his gaze, Joey shrugged and flipped absent-mindedly through the pages of the file on his desk. He’d only been in work for five minutes and already he wanted to go home. He’d scanned the same pages three times, but he still didn’t know what was in them. Joey hadn’t told Kelly the cause of his insomnia, but she knew he’d had trouble sleeping since he’d got back from Wolf Creek a little over three weeks ago.

  “I got plenty of sleep,” he lied. “I’m fine.”

  Kelly perched on the edge of his desk and tucked a wayward strand of silky blonde hair behind her ear. Her long, steady gaze was too calculating by far and Joey squirmed under the scrutiny. It was clear that she wasn’t going to let the subject drop, much to his annoyance. He didn’t want to talk about what was on his mind, or, more to the point, who.

  Kelly was a shameless romantic and if she knew he’d met someone on vacation and had walked away from him, she’d rightfully call him an idiot and he didn’t need her to point out his shortcomings—he was well aware of them already.

  “If that’s fine then I’d hate to see you on an off day,” she quipped.

  “Look, just drop it!” he snapped, glaring at her.

  When her eyes widened, Joey regretted his outburst at once.

  It was his own fault that his heart felt as if it had been ripped right out of his chest. He shouldn’t be taking his mood out on anyone, especially someone who was trying to help. Kelly was just a couple of years older than Joey. They’d started working for the paper around the same time and, in the three years they’d known each other, they’d become close.

  Good friends like that were hard to come by.

  “I’m sorry,” he offered, hoping his apology was enough. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I guess I’m more tired than I thought I was.”

  Kelly shrugged. “It’s no biggie. You know I was only looking out for your best interests, right? I hate to see you like this, Joey. It sucks to know you’re upset and I can’t help you. Not when you don’t let me.”

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly.

  He closed the file then put his elbows on the desk and leaned his head in the palms of his hands.

  He let out a weary sigh.

  “Hey,” Kelly tugged on one of his arms making him look up to meet her gaze. “We’ve all been there, you know.”

  “Been where?” he asked warily.

  “To that place inside us that we go to when we have our hearts broken. That’s where you’ve been hiding out this past couple of weeks, isn’t it?”

  A lump began to form in his throat and he swallowed it down before replying. “What if I told you that my broken heart is entirely my fault?”

  “Then I’d ask you what you’re doing to put things right.”

  With a small shake of his head, Joey voiced his fear. “What if it’s too late?”

  “It’s never too late to try to correct something you’ve done wrong,” Kelly said firmly, her tone brooking no argument. “The real crime would be doing nothing.

  “Life’s too short to be this miserable, especially when there’s something you can do about it.”

  Patting him on the shoulder, she added, “Seems you have a lot to think about. I’ll leave you to it.”

  When he nodded, Kelly slid off the desk and turned to leave.

  “Thanks for the advice,” Joey said before she walked away. “I appreciate it.”

  A wicked glint flashed in her eyes.

  “I accept cash or check. I’d say payment in kind but we both know that’s never gonna happen. Alcohol is, of course, preferable, but you’d have to ply me with it and you know me, I don’t drink the cheap stuff.”

  Joey chuckled as she sauntered back to her desk.

  S
he was absolutely right.

  He did have a lot to think about. Taking a moment, he looked around the large room that had become so familiar to him over the past few years. Every desk was occupied and people raised their voices to be heard over ringing phones and the whir of printers. He used to get a buzz out of all the activity when he’d first started working for the newspaper.

  It had seemed so exciting then.

  In his career, Joey was exactly where he wanted to be, but what was the point of having his dream job when the rest of his life was so empty? He’d sailed through the interview for Mason Jacks’ position and was finally reporting the types of stories he’d longed for. Even though he might never win an award or have the glory of writing a story that people would remember years down the line, he was okay with that.

  Perhaps, rather stupidly, Joey had believed that this would be enough, that he could be happy once he’d attained his career goals. He couldn’t believe he’d been so naïve and hadn’t recognized that while he’d been so focused on achieving his dreams and aspirations, they had changed. He had changed.

  He needed different things now to be happy.

  Nearly every minute of every day since he’d walked away from Tristan, Joey had thought about going back to Wolf Creek and begging Tristan to take him back, to forgive him for leaving. He wasn’t even sure what stopped him each time. The only reason he could come up with was his job, which he still loved, despite it not being enough for him anymore.

  What would he do in Wolf Creek?

  Joey was far too proud to rely on Tristan to support him.

  He wanted to make his own money, to pay his own way. His pride wouldn’t keep him warm at night, but he clung to it regardless. Did it really matter what job he did if being with Tristan cleared the fog that he’d been trapped in these past few weeks?

  There was a constant pain in his chest that only hurt more as time went on. It felt like part of his soul was missing.

  Was this what it felt like to be in limbo?

  To exist, but not to live?

  It couldn’t go on.

  Joey couldn’t go on, not like this, but he didn’t know if he had the guts to give everything up for a chance at being happy. He wasn’t even sure that he believed he could be happy anymore.

  Happiness felt completely unattainable since he’d got home from Wolf Creek.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Sitting in the armchair near the window of the newly refurbished ranch house he shared with Jared and Nate, Tristan stared out into the yard in an almost trancelike state. Although there was nothing of particular interest outside, the trees beyond the yard had captured his attention and held it with ease. Their branches swayed gently in the late autumn breeze.

  It was hypnotic.

  Tristan made no move to get up when the doorbell sounded or when he heard Jared invite Aaron and Cary into the house. His eyes never left those branches when Cary asked Jared how Tristan was doing and he didn’t even blink when Jared told his friends that he was barely holding it together. He did close his eyes, however, and sigh heavily when Jared said he was worried about him.

  Tristan didn’t want his brother to worry, but there was nothing he could do to help it. If he couldn’t even help himself, how could he help Jared? It was a good day when he had the strength and inclination to get out of bed in the morning.

  “Hey, Tristan!” Cary said as he breezed into the room, no doubt with Aaron hot on his tail. “I’m glad we caught you at home. We thought you might be at work.”

  Tristan drew his eyebrows together as if searching for the meaning of the word ‘work’.

  He hadn’t gone to work at the garage in over a week.

  Or was it two?

  He seemed to remember Jared telling him that Bob was holding his job open until he was ready to go back, but Tristan didn’t care one way or the other. With reluctance, he turned to face his friends and tried to force his lips into a smile, although the action seemed foreign and he wasn’t sure if he’d managed it.

  “Hey,” was all he could get out in response.

  Aaron’s eyes widened, but he stayed silent.

  Aaron and Cary strode through the den and took a seat on the sofa opposite Tristan’s armchair. They looked at him expectantly and Tristan frowned again. It felt like the only expression he didn’t have to force.

  “You’ve lost weight,” Cary commented.

  Tristan shrugged. “No appetite.”

  He searched his mind to remember when he had last eaten. He was sure he’d eaten dinner the night before or had that been lunch?

  “Is there any news on Evelyn Armstrong?” he asked.

  He supposed he should have tried to make small talk, but he didn’t have the energy for it. Aaron and Cary didn’t appear to mind and if they did, they didn’t mention it.

  Aaron shook his head.

  “Nothing. Gregory said her pack has her pretty well protected and the Council hasn’t been able to find who she is hiding out with. They’re monitoring her brother’s house, but she hasn’t shown up there so far.”

  “She can’t hide forever,” Cary added. “She’s bound to slip up soon and then the Council will bring her in.”

  “Perhaps.”

  With a small shrug, Tristan went back to staring out of the window.

  Aaron shifted in his seat, leaning forward.

  “Do you want me to go up to Dallas and kick his ass for you?”

  A low growl ripped from Tristan’s throat. He hadn’t even realized he’d got out of his seat until he felt Cary try to pull his hand free from Aaron’s neck. His eyes had shifted to their wolf form and his incisors had torn from his gums.

  He growled menacingly.

  “Tristan, let go!” Cary shouted. “He didn’t mean it.”

  When Cary’s words sank in, Tristan loosened his grip on Aaron’s throat before pulling his hand free. Aaron’s eyes were wide and, although he was bigger than Tristan and would undoubtedly get the best of him in a fight, his expression was fearful. Closing his eyes, Tristan took a few deep breaths to calm down then his eyes and teeth returned to their human form.

  “Christ! I’m sorry.” His gaze swiveled between his friends, pleading with them to understand. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  Aaron rubbed at his throat. “You know I’d never hurt your mate, right? It was just a throwaway comment. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “I know and I’m sorry I overreacted.” Tristan was ashamed of his outburst. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just…saw red.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t think before I spoke. I’d probably have done the same thing if someone had said that about Cary.”

  Tristan sat down again and returned his gaze to the trees beyond the yard. The gentle sway of the branches calmed him further.

  “I’m gonna go to Dallas,” he disclosed, surprising himself with the declaration.

  When had he decided that?

  “What?” Aaron and Cary said in unison.

  Tristan nodded as his abrupt decision began to sink in. He’d been considering the idea ever since his mate had left, but he’d been afraid that Joey would tell him to get lost. It had been bad enough to get rejected once. He didn’t think he could survive it happening a second time.

  “I need to try. I’ll beg him if I have to. I’ll do whatever it takes for him to agree to take me back.”

  Aaron glanced at his mate, eyebrows raised, before asking hesitantly, “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  Tristan shrugged. “I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going.”

  “I think you’re doing the right thing,” Cary said. “When Aaron and I met, I tried to push him away because I wasn’t ready to accept another mate. I’m so glad he didn’t let me.

  “Look at what I would have missed out on. When are you going up there?”

  For some reason, Aaron lifted his hand to check his watch. It was ten a.m. He knew Cary had meant to ask what day he wa
s going, but suddenly it felt like he couldn’t get there soon enough. He didn’t even know where Joey lived, but he knew where he worked. He’d camp outside the building until his mate agreed to see him if he had to.

  Tristan couldn’t live this wretched half-life even for another day.

  He had to see his mate.

  Being without Joey was literally killing him. Tristan should have done it sooner, but he’d been a coward. No more.

  “Now,” he replied resolutely.

  Spurring himself into action, he stood up and headed for the door.

  “I’m going up there right now.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  After he’d nodded goodbye to the security guard in reception, Joey pushed open the glass door to his workplace for the last time. His boss was out of the office, but Joey had left a resignation letter on his desk so that he’d see it as soon as he got in the following morning. Joey hadn’t known for sure what he would feel under the circumstances but he’d expected a small dose of fear and trepidation, maybe a little panic.

  He felt none of those things.

  He was sorry he had had to give up a job he loved, but what he’d be gaining in return would far outweigh that—if Tristan agreed to take him back.

  He began walking his usual route home, paying little attention to the people in the street who passed him by. In his mind, Joey was going over the speech he was going to make to Tristan when he saw him again and begged for his forgiveness. He turned the words over, but he couldn’t get them right—maybe because words didn’t feel like enough.

  “Joey!” The familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.

  His pulse raced frantically in his veins and his heartbeat thudded in his chest.

  Unsure if the voice had been a figment of his overactive imagination, Joey turned quickly and came face to face with the man whose image had haunted his mind during every single sleepless night he’d had since leaving Wolf Creek.

  Tristan.

  Tristan had sought him out.