Fire Within

by Ella M. Lee

  He turned to face me, framed against the brilliant sky beyond. “Sharing my visions in their entirety is a bad idea and often results in changes that aren’t natural. But I told you there are futures in which you remain alive, and I wasn’t lying. There are even futures where you are safe and happy.”

  “Here?” I asked, skeptical.

  He hesitated but finally said, “Yes, here.”

  I pursed my lips. “But you won’t tell me how to get to that?”

  He smiled softly. “I have been telling you. I’ve been watching you each step of the way, trying to keep you from any rash or misguided moves. But ultimately it’s up to you, lamb. There are a hundred things that could change, and I wouldn’t be able to track or intercept them all. You have more of a choice than you seem to think.”

  “Except my choices are do everything right and maybe survive or step out of line and die,” I said, trying to keep the annoyance from my tone.

  He returned to his chair, leaned forward, and folded his hands in front of him. “You asked me if I am going to make you pay for what happened to Andres. No, I’m not. Andres understood the risks of being my lieutenant. We all understand the risks of joining a clan. I did my best to protect him and failed. You were doing your job and doing it well. If I were your commander, I would have been pleased with your success. If Andres had killed you, I would have been pleased with him.”

  I frowned. Nicolas was angry and upset, but he was trying very hard to be fair. I could have respected him for that alone. It was something that the best people in my own clan did—strike a balance with the magic, the fighting, the humanity. I was too untried and unambitious to have been considered as a lieutenant, but occasionally Violet and I had talked about it. What it would be like to wield that power, to make those decisions, to be nearer to the top. She had been more driven than me, but she wouldn’t ever be a lieutenant in Flame now, nor would I.

  Even if I could get out of this building, out of this city, somehow back to a Flame safehouse, they wouldn’t take me. That wasn’t how it worked in Flame. They were an exclusive and secretive clan, and they would never trust me after I’d spent time in Water’s hands.

  But I also knew too much about Water to ever be let go, to be allowed to live a regular life. What would I do out there, anyway? My mortal life was long gone. I tried to imagine living a normal life: finishing my master’s degree, working at a job, joining a book club, taking care of a dog, making friends who could never truly know me, marrying a man who could never truly know my heart wasn’t fully his because it longed for my missing magic.

  Knowing that sort of power was out there but not mine anymore. Knowing there was a whole world out there that I had grasped and then lost.

  No. I didn’t think that life could ever be for me. I’d almost pick death over that. But could a life here in Water work for me? What would that life even look like? What offer would be made to me? I didn’t know.

  My eyes went to Nicolas. He waited silently, and it occurred to me once again that he knew my every thought and intention. Annoyance flared in me. It was unfair to be judged by my every errant thought. Nothing was safe, and at any moment he could decide I was unworthy of whatever grace he was granting. I could be dead before I even knew it, at his whim, for god knows what. My neck snapped, my throat cut, or something even worse. I was getting a headache just thinking about it.

  “I am violent only when provoked,” Nicolas said suddenly. “I have no intention of harming you, not unless you earn it, and I have no intention of letting anyone else harm you. You are my slave, but only in the technical sense of the word, and you are only stuck near me because you can’t be trusted alone yet. I have very few requirements of you, the primary one being that you return the courtesy of me taking care of you by keeping my reputation intact. In private, you can say or do whatever you’d like. In public, my wish is your command. If you can handle that for the time being, we can discuss further opportunities. If it’s any consolation, I’m not entirely sure what that means yet, either.”

  I drew my legs up under me, tucking myself in tight to the couch, my arms folded across my chest. It was freezing in his apartment, and the leather of the couch was like ice against me. I considered his words. It wasn’t a bad deal, assuming he was being honest, assuming there were no catches.

  “How much of this deal involves me paying my pound of flesh to you for what happened, or being your punching bag when you’re angry, or your personal whore?” I asked.

  I knew how some slaves were treated by commanders, especially the crazier ones. Nicolas hadn’t yet hinted at having any of those intentions, but a little reassurance would be nice.

  “I’m not like that,” he said, his tone gentler than before. “In here, you have nothing to fear from me. I won’t hurt you, and I’m certainly not going to force you to sleep with me. What a low opinion you have of me, Fiona. Mon Dieu. I told you, I’m not a monster.”

  I watched him carefully. He seemed to be telling the truth. For now, I had to believe it. If anything, he appeared hurt and annoyed by my implications. The suffocating coils around my heart eased a fraction of an inch. He folded his hands, waiting for me to say something.

  “So you’re telling me to be good for now, and we’ll talk later?” I asked. “To just wait?”

  “Essentially,” he said. “I want to make sure the future is forming up the way I desire, and I need a better understanding of how you could fit in here. I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep or any rash decisions I can’t undo. I would like the opportunity to observe you, and I have a suspicion you feel the same way about me.”

  I sighed, studying him. Every word seemed considered and truthful, and it was still a far better deal than being trapped in a cell awaiting torture or execution. Would it be so bad to go along with his wishes and see where this went? He was giving me a gift right now, an opportunity. I would be stupid to waste it.

  “If things are going to stay like this, could you explain the rules to me more clearly?” I said. “What you did earlier in front of Si-Yi frightened me. Out there, will you just rattle me around whenever it suits you? If you’re going to do that, I’d rather you leave me here next time.”

  He frowned. “Leaving you here isn’t an option. You’re only outside of that cell because you’re with me. That’s the way it stays for now.”

  He leaned forward. “I’m sorry I frightened you. I only did that because I thought you could handle it, and you did. The rules, as you call them, are relatively simple, but they require context. Captive slaves from other clans are not that common here, but they exist. They almost always belong to commanders or high-ranking lieutenants, the types of people who can capture them or afford to buy them at auction. Those types of clan members, as you can imagine, have enemies. Enemies come in all forms, not just the kind who stab you when you aren’t looking. Political enemies within this clan are as dangerous as any outside assassin. Even among members who aren’t strictly enemies, power plays exist. We have a very complex web of checks and balances, and it’s often difficult to understand how much power anyone has over anyone else.

  “A key way of understanding other commanders is to see how they treat their group members. Some lead with a tighter grip than others. But no one, no one, would let a slave of theirs mouth off to them or disobey them. Most commanders keep mortals as cheap labor or amusing playthings, given only the worst treatment. And why not? If they were worthy of more, they would be brought into Water and granted magic. Having a slave that isn’t properly cowed would be seen as a sign of weakness on my part, especially given my reputation. How strong could Nicolas possibly be, they would say, if he can’t control a mere mortal?”

  “If you’re as powerful as you claim, why not just act however you want and let the chips fall where they will?” I asked. “If anyone went up against you, they’d regret it, right?”

  “I tried that once,” he said. “It’s tedious for me to continually be provoked and made to prove mys
elf, and it’s dangerous for the members of my group. One of the easiest ways to fuck with a commander is to target his weaker subordinates. You, as a mortal and a slave, are the lowest on that particular ranking. I don’t think you would appreciate being tortured and killed to send me a message, nor do I want to deal with that sort of guilt ever again.”

  Ever again? His words rang in my ears.

  “So… so… it has happened before?” I asked.

  “As I said, I tried that method once. I was arrogant and thought I could disrupt the status quo. It ended up costing something important to me.”

  He wasn’t looking at me as he said those words. I had the strangest urge to bridge the space between us and take his hand, but I shook my head to clear it before I could make that sort of ridiculous move.

  I told myself that Nicolas was not my friend. I had always been easily moved, easily made emotional, but now was not the time for that. I needed to be stronger and guard myself better in this situation.

  After a moment, he looked in my direction. “A certain amount of possessiveness on my part and a certain amount of fearful obedience on your part keeps you safe. It establishes you as my property, as you’ve no doubt concluded, and shows others that I can keep you in line. They are wondering, of course, how I’m keeping you in line, and their imaginations are better at crafting my violent persona than I could ever be.

  “The rules are the same as earlier: when we are out there, you follow me, you obey me, and you pretend to fear me.”

  “I don’t have to pretend,” I whispered.

  As he was wont to do, he continued as though I hadn’t spoken. “I will do my very best not to lay a hand on you or involve you, but sometimes I have to improvise. I hope you can understand that. And if you do, for some reason, decide it would be a good idea to test my limits in public, you will find yourself quickly regretting it. I am selfish, and I have my own welfare and the welfare of a dozen other people to consider. Don’t make me choose. Does that help?”

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. A million more questions came to mind, but I wouldn’t push him quite yet. He had already been more patient and kinder than I anticipated. He had every right to shred me to pieces right here or to sell me to the highest bidder, my well-being be damned.

  I had forgotten how fragile I was without magic. I couldn’t stave off exhaustion and pain. I couldn’t resist injury or disease or old age like clan members did. I couldn’t protect myself. Everyone in the building was stronger and faster than I was, and not a single person gave a damn about me except Nicolas. I had very little incentive to do anything except precisely what he asked of me.

  “If I’m good,” I said, “if I keep my head down, listen to you, don’t stab you in the back, what can I expect to happen? I know you don’t know exactly, but…”

  I didn’t know if a good ending to this story was something like full clan membership or something closer to eternal servitude within Water.

  “I told you earlier that there are freedoms that can be arranged if you exhibit the correct temperament,” he said. Clearly he had no desire to elaborate or allay my fears.

  “And if I fail to do well here? You execute me?” I asked. “Just so I’m clear on the possibilities.”

  “Quite honestly, yes,” he said. “You are also free to choose that option anytime. Simply say the word.”

  “I’d be shocked if you could manage to make my life so miserable that I would choose to end it,” I told him. “I’m just trying to understand the boundaries of our agreement.”

  “There are no true boundaries yet, but I don’t think you should be worried,” he said. “If you’re as good as I think you are, there’s a lot more for you here. I wasn’t lying when I told you that you could be clanned again.”

  I drew a sharp breath. I hadn’t believed him earlier. It was rare to change clans, to be let go of one and accepted by another, and it usually happened under better circumstances than these. Flame rarely took “transfers” from other clans, nor did they tend to clan enemy captives. It was hard to believe I could be someone worthwhile for Water.

  But this man could see my future. That had to mean he was basing his actions and decisions on something he had discovered.

  “You saw something good?” I asked. “Something you want from me?”

  He smiled condescendingly at me. “I suppose you could say that. There are eventualities that would make me more than willing to bring you into Water.”

  “I promised I would hear you out, and I have,” I said. “Now I promise that I’ll play your game and go along with your rules. You obviously aren’t going to tell me anything right now. Fine, whatever. If being good keeps me alive, we’ll see where it goes.”

  He studied my face, no doubt looking for any deceit.

  I’m being honest, I thought to him. I promise.

  He gave me an appreciative, knowing look. After a few more moments, he nodded, satisfied.

  “Get used to this place, then. We’re both stuck here for a while,” he said.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “It’s our most secure clan house, making it an ideal place to keep you. There’s no getting in or out without magic. It also happens to be the house where I have the most allies. And it seems like Derek is going to make some annoying business for me here this week.”

  I could tell by his clipped tone that he was sick of my questions, but he had told me I could do as I pleased within his apartment, and I was wondering what would happen if I pushed him in a controlled situation.

  “When you were speaking to Derek, you called this place home. Is that true? Where are we, anyhow?” I asked.

  “Hong Kong. I’ve lived here most of my life, and it is my home.” He had pulled out his phone again and was answering me absentmindedly.

  I had been right about the location after all. “It’s beautiful,” I said, turning to look out the windows again.

  “Yes, and hot as hell in the summer. Even going out at six a.m. today for our breakfast was brutal.”

  His lips quirked into an annoyed frown, but I got no more reaction than that.

  “You brought that food in? Why?” I asked.

  He hesitated and said, without looking up, “It’s comfort food. Food that speaks to me. You aren’t the only one hurting today.”

  I grimaced, feeling ashamed. Yes, he had lost someone too. I was finding it hard to be as kind to him as he was being to me. I should be more sympathetic, but most of us were selfish, weren’t we? My heart felt like stone, and the crater in the middle of my chest where my magic used to reside was completely numb.

  We were all human once. Or maybe we still were, although magic blurred the lines.

  His eyes flicked up to meet mine for just an instant and then back down. He shifted uncomfortably, folding his arms across his chest and throwing his head back in a gesture that approximated resignation.

  Tentatively, I stood. Nicolas watched me out of the corner of his eye but didn’t say anything. I walked slowly to the bathroom, the near twin of the one I had cleaned up in earlier. I shut the door behind me and immediately sank to the cold tile floor, shaking.

  Whatever adrenaline I had used to get through today was wearing off, leaving me alone on the barren shores of loss and grief. Tears flooded one eye then the other as I recalled everything that had happened. Lars, struck down despite his talent and skill in combat. Damon, thrown through a wall, his unseeing eyes glassy and hollow. Violet’s throat slit, her shocked expression, blood pooling in her cupped hands.

  Nicolas’s unfeeling gaze in wolf form. Derek’s hand on me and his hungry look. Knowing that at any second, no matter what Nicolas said, I was one inch away from a quick death—or a slow one.

  I was cold, so cold. There hadn’t been a sweatshirt in my go-bag, only spare leggings and T-shirts. I rubbed my arms, hugging myself, but the cold went deeper than that.

  I missed Violet terribly. I thought that maybe I could get through this if I knew I would see her again. B
ut I wouldn’t. She was dead. I hadn’t protected her. It was like a part of me was missing, replaced by a persistent hollowness. Two days ago, we had been walking together in the hot sun of Vienna. Why couldn’t things have stayed that way forever?

  I was so sorry that any of this had happened.

  My tears turned into silent sobs, my breathing ragged and painful. I allowed myself time for these emotions, but not much time.

  I couldn’t fall apart. I told myself to get up, wash my face, and handle whatever came next, like the woman who completed the Flame Clan candidacy trials faster than anyone in three decades. Would Violet be impressed by my tears? No, she would roll her eyes at me. No one had known it would work out like this, but now I had to deal with it.

  I wasn’t the best at giving myself pep talks, but there was no one else to help me right now. Possibly no one else who would help me ever again. I pressed my palms back to my face, and it took everything I had not to let that thought collapse me back into a sobbing mess.

  Chapter 6

  It was difficult to compose myself but not impossible. I rinsed my face and pressed a wet towel to my eyes, breathing slowly. When there were no more threats of tears, I went back out into the living room and retook my seat on the couch.

  Nicolas watched me, his expression thoughtful. “Are you all right?” he asked quietly. I could tell by his wary look that he knew I wasn’t.

  I didn’t answer. Instead, I lay down and curled into a tight ball, trying to calm my trembling, trying to keep from vomiting all over his exquisite hardwood floor.

  I felt as though I would never stop shaking. Was I in some sort of shock? I had no idea. Did it matter? I wasn’t terribly confident that I would even live through the night. Nicolas’s assurances meant very little to me. I had to be practical, to temper my hopes and expectations.

  I shifted, my face and neck and back throbbing as I tried to find a comfortable position.

  Nicolas got up from the couch and went into his bedroom. When he returned, he offered me a gray hoodie with both hands. I wanted to refuse, but his stern look said that would be unwise, and I really did need the warmth. I pulled it on, zipping it all the way up and drawing the hood over my head.