“God’s gift? What do you consider a god’s gift, Adriana?”
“The purity of soul, the greatness of mind and …”
I stopped for a moment feeling by body tightened at its thought.
“…love…”
“Do you believe that love is a god’s gift?”
“Is there a greater gift, I wonder? If this is not a god’s gift, then what is? When our Creator made the male and the female, if He did not have this in mind, I cannot think why the gender was needed. Only for reproduction? Then, why we have the mind and the will? Only to survive? Then, why we live?”
He smiled hearing my words, approving of them.
“Surely, I agree with you, but what if there were restrictions regarding the subject of your desire? If there was a law… prohibitive, what would you do? Would you violate it to live or would you endure it to ‘survive?”
Automatically Camen came to my mind and I answered driven by my love for him.
“It is impossible for people in love, just to survive. They are forced, under the circumstances, to move forward to live. But if the subject of desire is restricted by a certain law then they are obliged to survive”, I defined my condition simply and honestly.
As if he felt the agitation, the acceptance of this weird situation had caused me, he pulled me closer to this body and I, feeling weak, tightened myself in his arms. We continued dancing, speechless from then on.
The anger in his eyes was the first thing I noticed. His body was stiff, his hands tight and his eyes looking directly on us. There, among my friends, as if he came from nowhere, Camen was standing -handsome as on the first day, but stern. I pulled myself a little from Eric’s arms. He automatically turned to Camen, having a winner’s look at first but suddenly, something changed that look as there were looking at each other with obvious tension which was replaced by bewilderment. A big question appeared on Eric’s face. At that moment, like a god sent coincidence, the song was over and I was free from Eric’s arms. But he held my hand and pulled me to the table where the rest were. I was trying to concentrate and to collect my strength in order to face the sudden development of the evening and the meeting with Camen.
Sam looked at me when we went near them and, probably from my look or my previous confession, she undertook to help.
“Look who is back! And in particular, at the right moment, so as to have the luck to drink beer with us”, she explained joyfully.
“Hi, Camen”, I said as calmly as I could, looking straight at his eyes, wondering about myself that I found the courage to do it without any trace of agony in my voice, without any cracking, without taking my eyes from his.
“Hi, Adriana”, he said and immediately moved to the side inviting me-I thought- to sit next to him.
Eric released my hand. He was holding it softly all this time. He sat next to Adam who made a gesture to the waitress for another round of beer.
“You are late”, Eric said to Camen.
Camen did not answer. He only looked at him.
“And moreover, I never expected you would leave!”
A puzzling smile took the place of his previous wondering look.
As if he was measuring him, palpating him, looking for reasons and answers to something I did not understand and probably, none else did.
“How are you, Eric?” he avoided the question.
“Now that you returned, I am more certain. I am not used to such behaviour from you”, he answered even more mysterious.
Camen turned his head towards me.
“Adriana, I am sorry for my long absence. I know the burden of studying, which was for both of us, was put on your shoulders. I will try to make it lighter from now on”, he justified himself and his eyes had taken an olive colour at the pub’s low lighting.
Oh, dear Lord, it was impossible for me to resist this look…His lips semi-opened as he was lifting the beer glass, and with a light move of his head, he pushed back the strands of hair that were covering his face.
So, he was here, finally… since this morning or maybe earlier. But, why he did not show up? Even if he did not want to see me, shouldn’t he search for me for our project?
“It does not matter. I did a part of the studying alone and I have some theories”, I explained trying simultaneously to understand Eric’s strange looking face.
“Your brother has helped me in certain parts”, I added.
“Ah!”
His expression became wild.
“Thank you Eric, for helping Adrian. I am sure you have put her on the right direction”, he said and he sounded more like a mockery rather than a thanksgiving.
“Adriana manages quite well by herself. As for the right way, this is her own choice and you know it”, he responded.
There, I was completely lost. Oh but, what were they talking about? Were they saying something more than they were saying or it was a kind of communication code between brothers?
“No matter what, I thank you”, he answered through his teeth and he turned to the rest of the group.
Everybody’s joyful mood was obvious and Camen’s return came to intensify it. Tomas, who was absorbed in a conversation with Sam all this time, the minute he realized that Camen had turned to them he did the same to talk to him. He mentioned that it was a good idea to go out, after such a long week and all of us agreed.
“I hope you have completed a big part of the job or at least have come to some conclusions. Although the genesis’ texts have some inconsistencies, I imagine you have ended up somewhere”, Camen assumed.
His black T-shirt in combination with his black trousers was creating a very nice contrast with his extremely white complexion. I stood once more to admire him, refusing to hear the voice of reason which was ordering me to leave.
Sam bent to his side and with a secretive style, as if she did not want the others to hear her- as though there was such a case from the noise of the conversations in combination with the music being so loud- and whispered to him.
“There is a second woman”.
Camen lifted his eyes and looked at me intensively. I did not understand the reason. It was like he was expecting me to say something, to reveal something beyond Sam’s words. However, I had nothing in mind. I simply smiled at him.
“Well, let us forget studying for a while”, Tomas protested. “Besides, we came here to enjoy ourselves”.
He grabbed Sam by her hand, pulling her for a second dance.
“He is right, I guess. But, we have to get together, Adrian. What about tomorrow?” he asked me without taking his eyes off me.
Christine had said that she would be away the whole day for a visit which meant we could meet in my room. Alone, I thought and shivered. There is no point in doing this to myself. Camen had already chosen his course in life and I was not in it. I should find the power to push away and get over all the feelings caused by thinking about him and by his presence, if I wanted to continue seeing him without the danger of collapsing.
“We could meet in my room. My roommate will be away so we will have a quiet place to continue our research and also to explain to you my theories and conclusions, which for sure, need to be discussed”, I answered determined to behave normally as if he was anyone of my classmates with whom I had undertaken a project. Finally, it was not that difficult balancing things.
He agreed saying just “Yes”, smiling at me and then he turned his head to Tomas and Sam who were still dancing. Eric was standing silent all this time, preserving his questioning look which he got after Camen’s appearance. It was more that certain that something was preoccupying him and he was not at all hiding it. The strong sounds of rock music stopped suddenly and a ballad took their place, making Adam start humming.
“Are you dancing, Adriana?” I surprised heard Camen asking me and Eric’s surprise did not escape my attention.
The truth was, I could not avoid his proposal. It would have been very impolite of me since he had seen me dancing with his brother, but I woul
d not dare come in such close contact with him.
“Well… I do not dance very well. Eric can verify that”, I tried to avoid him.
I could not believe my ears when I heard him saying:
“She is excellent, Camen. She is lying.”
Camen looked at me.
“Unless you do not want to dance with me”, he insisted.
This was too much. After all, it was only a dance, it would not harm me.
“The opposite”, I said and got up straightening my dress.
He pulled me by my hand and in a few moments, he had enclosed me softly in his arms, looking at me with such intense that I felt bad. I turned my eyes elsewhere, however, the direct contact with his body, his hands around me, his rhythmic breath which I felt on my neck, even imperceptibly, his smell mixed with a dose of lavender and mainly the feeling of his touch, made me feel incapable of maintaining contact with reality. I surrendered in a labyrinth of ineffable thoughts and desires. As if he had understood my agitation, he wanted to clarify what was going on, bending to talk to me, lowering his voice and turning up my anxiety.
“The red colour suits you very much”.
Red? What did he mean? He pulled me out of the abyss I had been from contacting him. For a moment, I did not realize he was talking about the lipstick, the red lipstick I was wearing.
“Thank you”, I answered and my voice sounded unexpectedly steady for my condition.
“Is everything all right at your home?” I asked, not being able to resist to the questions raised related to his departure.
“Yes, fine. But why are you asking?”
He found me unprepared for such a theory.
“Tomas said that something had happened and you had to go home”, I answered.
“Uh!” he responded.
A simple “Uh!” was not enough.
“Well, I assume you are all right now”, I dared tell him.
“Yes. I am sorry for my impoliteness, I imagine you were upset that I left so unexpectedly, yet my situation did not allow me to act differently. I had to check on a few things so that I could continue being here”, he explained.
Very nice! Now, not only I did not understand anything but also I was confused, much more than before.
“And, did you check on them?”
“Yes, concluding that those things are uncontrollable… even by god himself”, he answered, showing complete compromise and acceptance of a certain fact.
Discretion and politeness did not allow me any further questions. If he wanted to tell me or to clarify something relevant to his condition, he would have done it already. Therefore, his answered meant up to here, leaving my curiosity unsatisfied and my imagination running wild.
“Camen”, I whispered his name. “I want to ask you something”.
He nodded positively coming even closer, something that made my heart jump in my chest. His lips almost touched my neck when he said: “I am listening to you”.
I tried to restrain myself and I said:
“It is about what happened the other day at the library”.
“I think we have already discussed that, Adrian”, he protested.
“Yes, yes, I know. There is something else, too. Before I fainted, during the few moments of the power failure, I thought I saw a shine around you, violet… maybe silver…” I uttered feeling a bit stupid.
I felt his hands tightened around my waist and restless, I turned to look at him. His face showed pain and yet, his words were calming.
“And, immediately after that, you fainted! It was the blur before fainting that made you see shines”.
But I was sure, I did not have hallucinations. I had seen the violet shine surrounding him. I had seen him radiate and I was determined to push it all the way. All I needed was to have the chance to be alone with him, to have him in the corner but, at the same time to make him feel secure so he can be revealed to me. I ought to isolate him and the only way to achieve it was to ask for it straight away. Of course, I could wait for tomorrow’s meeting, but I felt he would slip from my hands, if was calm in the daylight.
I knew I was influencing him, I had felt all his agitation all the time he was holding me in his arms, clearly effusive and even daring, almost ready to kiss me, without reservation I would say. I was sensing that this evening would reveal truths to me. The point was, whether I had the courage to hear them.
“Can we leave together tonight? I want to talk to you…”
He looked at me suspiciously and so intensely some moments that I thought he had understood what was going on in my mind. I avoided his eyes, feeling awkward in many aspects.
“What exactly do you want to know?” he said, as if he already knew that I was suspecting something.
I tried to remain calm, not only because of what he had said but mainly because of the direct contact between us. He made his last question so close to my neck that his lips actually touched me. I shivered. I was hearing his breath becoming heavier while I was holding mine in agony, in a game of hidden feelings, enduring a strong desire for connection and trying to keep my sanity intact.
With great difficulty, collecting any trace of strength, I managed to speak.
“What are you willing to tell me?”
Immediately, he retrieved his self-control and pulled away from my arms, taking a playful look.
“Only what your shoulders can lift”, he stated, smiling with complacency.
“Hah! Very Aristotelian”, I remarked.
“Besides being very beautiful, you are very well prepared too”, he said pretending to be surprised.
His eyes were playing with the light. Sometimes they were golden and sometimes dark. As he had them widely opened from his pretended surprise they looked like they contained all the light in the world.
“Alas. I grew up in Italy and I am studying in Oxford!”
“Modest too, I see!” he said smiling.
I smiled back.
“Well, are we leaving together?” I insisted.
He remained thoughtful, speechless for a moment. As if he was measuring himself.
His reply took me by surprise.
“Definitely. I also want to talk to you”, he ended, getting me thinking.
I turned my face towards the table. My eyes unavoidably fell on Eric who was looking at us persistently.
Camen followed the direction of my look and I distinguished a trace of jealousy, from the change in his posture that suddenly became stiff while his face contracted for a moment. I am paranoid, I thought. Yet, the sudden turn of his body to the opposite direction so that I could face only him, surprised me even more.
“How did you like my brother?” he asked changing the subject.
“He is interesting”, I admitted.
“And he finds you very interesting too, if I judge from the way he has been looking at you all night long”, he said, looking at me in an exploratory way, trying to find traces of fondness towards Eric.
How is it possible, surely, to discover something like that, I thought, when I am entirely charmed by him! There is no room for anybody else to conquer me.
“I think you are exaggerating. He was very polite to me and he helped in many parts of our project. I think his interest stops there”, I replied without believing in my own words.
“And your interest…where does it stop?” he uttered unexpectedly catching me by surprise.
On you, only on you I wanted to say but I did not dare confess it.
On the contrary, I decided to challenge him.
“What do you want to know Camen? If I am attracted to him?” I asked directly, looking straight in his eyes, waiting for his reaction.
He smiled in an attempt to misdirect me but the shadow that darkened his eyes convinced me of his agitation.
“Well, does he attract you?” he continued with the same look.
“And what if he does? Does it matter to you?”
I was teasing him and I liked it.
Suddenly, he becam
e serious. I felt his hands pressing my body more than our relationship would allow.
“Maybe”, he answered with a single word, avoiding further explanation and he pulled me in his arms, sticking on my body completely. The rest of the time he remained silent, leaving me suffer from the newfound sense of his touch, not allowing me to move away in the least, from his strong hold. My mind was trying to process his answer. Maybe… This word was coming back into my mind again and again. And also his touch, his smell, his warm breath on my neck did not let me think of anything else but a night of love with him.
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