I was confused but what could I do? I went to the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror. My appearance was pitiful. I was paler than ever. There were black circles under my eyes and my hair was messy, forming mixed up strands of hair. I threw some cold water to my face to take the paleness away. I fixed my hair in a ponytail being sure that I would look better this way. Not that it mattered that much. Camen had already seen me looking untidy. Besides, there was no point in trying to be beautiful for someone I was not allowed to desire. And he, himself, had said that all god’s creations are beautiful, so he had already considered me very beautiful. I smiled with these thoughts. How strange the human mind is, I thought. Instead of worrying about our situation, I was wondering if he finds me beautiful. This was ridiculous!
When I came out, everything around me became dark and I collapsed on the floor.
I found myself in a room with tall windows, lying on a big bed that was dominating the place with its canopy and its oak wood’s heavy smell. I got up and looked outside. There was an old town, unfamiliar to me, a river and some bridges. It reminded me of something, in a vague way. It looked somehow familiar but I was sure I had never been there before. I turned to the interior of the room. A huge painting was showing a girl with long, black hair and grey-blue eyes. I went closer and faced, myself…Somehow different, but it was me...
A light, a shine jumped in front of me, dim at first, that soon became blinding, making me close my eyes tightly.
“Adriana, Adriana, are you alright?”
It was Camen’s voice. Oh, my God… He was there. I opened my eyes and I saw him bending over me.
“Adriana, how are you?”
His face looked more terrified than his voice. At least, as much as I could see since his light was extremely intense, more than any other time. I realized I was in his arms, in my room, on my floor.
“What happened?” I whispered.
“You fainted”.
The anxiety in his voice was obvious.
“And I found myself in your arms!”
“Is that what bothers you?”
“Shouldn’t it? I have never fainted before in my life and in the last few days I did it twice… both times in your arms”, I explained.
I pulled myself a bit, placing my hand at eye-level.
“It is very intense today. I have difficulty in looking at you”, I complained.
He got up and moved away from me. Slowly, the shine began to disappear until Camen became normal again. Or abnormal…
“I am sorry”.
Ηe was apologizing… This was unthinkable.
“Why?” I asked with curiosity.
“Because I dazzled you”.
He had dazzled me from the first day I saw him. This was nothing… I burst out laughing.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because you are apologizing for being yourself. This is more than discretion”.
I calmed down when I saw he seemed annoyed.
“How would you like it, if I was apologizing for not being able to shine?”
He smiled.
“Maybe you are right”.
“Well, I feel very hungry. If you have finished with your mysterious “business” can we go?” I asked impatiently.
“It is not a good idea anymore. You just recovered from a fainting, the second one in a week”.
I did not let him continue. I knew where he was getting at.
“I feel fine. After all, all this might have happened because I am hungry. I have not eaten since yesterday, so I suggest we go immediately”, I stopped the conversation in the middle.
He raised his hands as an invocation to god. He could be really calling on him, to help me recover. I got up and pulled him by the hand towards the door. He followed me reluctantly.
We walked to his car, which was parked further down; a back Rover, both smart and wild. What if he was an angel, I thought, he was also a male. We drove north and continued in the same direction, opposite from that of the city of Oxford. There was green land wherever I looked. By the roadside there were tall trees standing arrogantly by the passing cars.
After a while, some hills started appearing without trees, “painted” with the same green colour. We turned into a small alley that seemed private, following the hills that were becoming more and more. The English countryside is unique. Not like a forest that charms you with its diversity but a uniform landscape that looks like grass that was just watered and it invites you to lie on it. The clarity is unique; the moisture allows you to breathe air without a trace of dust. The colours that are gradating in all the green shades, calm you.
I was looking around very impressed that I almost forgot to ask where we were going. After we followed the road that was swirling among the hills, for some time, we ended up next to a river. It was not exactly a river but more like a small stream which was forming a water path. A few trees on either side, with thick foliage, were creating an arch through which the sunlight could not come, so the place was shaded and hospitable. We stopped. I guessed it was impossible to find a restaurant in such isolation… Nevertheless, Camen got out of the car and waved at me.
“Where are we eating?” I asked curiously.
He looked at me smiling, as he was going to the back of the car. He pulled out a basket and a red, checked blanket.
“Right here!” he said, as he was laying the blanket by the stream.
Picnic! I would not dream of it. I thought it was only happening in the movies.
“Do you mean we are going to eat here?” I insisted, pointing at the blanket.
“I see no table”, he teased me. “Will you help me or you will stay there looking at me?”
I stood there for a few moments not knowing what to do.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked stupidly.
He handed me the plates and a little bread. Apparently, I had to serve. He pulled out some cheese, fruit and a bottle of white wine. I guessed he had left hastily a little while ago, to go shopping… I wondered if he would pray now that we were alone, away from prying eyes.
“No”, he said, taking me by surprise.
“Are you reading my mind?” I asked terrified at the thought that he knew what was happening in my head.
He laughed at my words.
“I read your eyes. It was obvious, what you were thinking about”.
This was comforting. I tasted a little cheese. It was delicious. We ate in silence for quite some time before I started shooting him with questions.
“What exactly are your powers?” I asked.
“I can protect a human from any kind of threat, either having an order or not. But, I do it only after His approval. I move very fast, almost like the speed of light, but I can be only in one place at a time. If a human asks for help and he really believes in my existence, I can help but only spiritually. I can control the weather conditions. I can fill the humans’ hearts with love, as long as they allow me to. I do not know the future, neither the human will. But I have the power to tame nature… You could say that we are the dominant kind on earth, when we are here”.
For a while, I remained speechless, trying to realize what he had said.
“So, all the other angels have the same powers as you?” I asked again with obvious curiosity about his kind.
“More or less…Some are exceptionally gifted, almost like Him”, he answered calmly.
“Like Lucifer? His name means “The one that brings the light” so he should have had an especially dominant position”.
“Yes”.
“It is so strange; the fact that someone who has so much and knows even more, can come down in this way. If he had been really exceptional, he would have known the ending of his rebellion or, at least, he would have suspected it. How is it possible to believe that he would beat Him?’
“This is the human side of his story, Adriana. But only few make an effort to think about it. Most of them accept him as necessary evil. God and Devil go together, fo
r most of them. Which intelligent person would not wonder why he was expelled to Earth instead of being destroyed? Nevertheless, his distraction would not have guaranteed the elimination of evil, considering the endless eternity…’
“Noah’s Flood proves that whoever left His way and ceased following His commands, was condemned to death. Then, why this is not being also applicable to someone superior to commoners? Who violated His Law? And why he chose to trick and bother the humans, actually allied with god for their punishment for their forefathers’ sin. Why someone who was expelled, helps him at his job? Why god who created humans by his unlimited love, to be hard on them at their first mistake? Wasn’t it, though, that they were obliged to survive outside the place they were created, without any knowledge of it? Was it necessary for someone to slander them? And only the reference of His name, in the Bible ought to excite the curiosity of the reader”.
Eric’s words came to my mind: To handle… who? The faithful. Everyone is afraid of demons and they easily throw at them their responsibility since, by nature, they are bad.
“That is, either the story of his rebellion is structured to manipulate or we believe in it because it is easier to throw our responsibility to someone else, because it is convenient to consider ourselves unable to resist to something superior, good or evil”.
“It is something like that”, he agreed with me and he handed me a glass of wine.
I thought about how strange the whole situation was; hanging out with an angel, eating with him alone in an isolated place, and talking about Devil. This was beyond any imagination, even of the most imaginative person. And yet, it was happening. I was a reality without a doubt. But still, for how long? The bitter thought of his leaving came to destroy the beauty of the moment. My face clearly showed the change in my mood. He looked at me with a questioning look.
“What is going on, Adrian?”
“I was thinking about how strange this situation is. How odd it is to be in the middle of nowhere with one of god’s angels and to discuss about things I would never be sure that had happened”.
He smiled.
“You still do not believe in them?”
“Not any more. I have no more doubts”.
“You are unfaithful!”
“I was!”
“You continue to be. Faithful is the person that does not need proof for their faith. You, on the contrary, had a crystal clear one!”
He winked at me. I smiled.
“I am catholic, but most of all I am a rationalist. I chase knowledge. Besides, I have spent a big part of my life in libraries...”
He raised his eyebrows but he did not speak.
Τhe discussion we had with my work group about the Vatican’s library came to my mind, and I decided to ask him.
“While you were gone we had assumed that there should be some text, hidden somewhere, with the story of the unidentified woman. We ended up with the Vatican’s library. We were hoping to enter its sanctuary, exploiting your relation with Pope”, I said imitating his playful look.
“Did Eric tell you about that?” he asked calmly but I was sensing a hollow anger.
“Yes”, I answered to him.
“And what makes you think that, because I know Pope enables us to enter there? Do you believe that if there is something hidden there for so many years, they would open their doors widely just like that?” he continued smiling more.
He seemed to having fun with his own words and he was right. It was ridiculous to believe we could access the sanctuary of Pope’s church.
“I feel ridiculous just by mentioning this to you. However, the way Eric was talking about this relationship of yours gave me the impression that it was more than just an acquaintance; a relation in which you have the upper hand”.
He lay on the blanket, laughing loudly. I felt awkward. When he calmed down, he raised himself on his elbows, looking at me calmly and smiling.
“The Pope, Adrian, is the symbol of god’s authority. Nobody, even in close relation with him, angel or human, has the upper hand. He is answerable only to himself and his conscious. I have no authority to god’s worldwide symbol. Of course, I know very well what is hidden in that library and, believe me, Bible’s texts are hiding a lot more. It would be enough for someone to give himself a chance to see beyond what they see. And regarding this, I thing you managed quite well, up to now”.
I opened my hands to the sky in a sign of resignation. Whatever I was saying, he always had the proper answer and most of all he insisted on something that people refused to accept. Truth is everywhere and someone can reach it only after effort and self-sacrifice. No one, who tries to find it in secret places, finds it. It is discovered by those who have the courage to see beyond the obvious. And it is quite difficult, most of the times.
“Therefore, we remain in studying and researching”, I protested, drinking a big sip of wine.
“But, isn’t this the reason for the creation of the world. The First humans were expelled, carrying the burden of god’s punishment. Only with personal effort, a man would be able to survive. Only with personal effort, he could discover the truth”.
“That is to say, whoever comes close to the tree of knowledge of Bad and Evil, of truths and lies, risks losing his well-being gaining the knowledge, though”, I carried on with my thoughts.
“Correct”.
I stretched backwards, feeling my body parts loose. The wine together with the fatigue, managed to exhaust me.
I placed my hand over my mouth to hide a yawning. I did not want to sleep. I did not want to lose not even a moment of the time with him, eating cheese and drinking wine, stretched on a blanket onto the all-green grass. I could be discussing with him for hours, listening to him, looking at him. I could not have enough of his presence, his figure, his gold-green eyes. I remained observing him, recording every detail of his face in my mind. I bent to the side, closing my eyes, trying to recollect his elegant features. Somewhere in between, without realizing it, I fell asleep. This was the only time I dreamed of Camen.
I found myself alone in the same old town, with the paved streets and the fairytale buildings. No one was around. Everything seemed like coming from another world. In the silence, I was hearing only my breath, my rhythmic steps, following the same route as in my first dream. I was moving along a narrow street full of stone walls on either side. It was dark. At the end of the street I saw a light. I moved towards there until I reached the same square with the Christmas tree. It was completely empty. Eric was standing at the edge of a bridge with his hands extended towards me. I approached slowly. He did not move at all. He was standing like frozen, at the same position. A force, undefined and demanding, was pulling me to him. Unable to react, I continued my route. Before I touched his hands someone snatched me and pulled me forcefully. I turned around and saw Camen holding me tight. His eyes were full of anger. His face was distorted from the anger and the pain that were torturing him. It was the first time I saw him like this.
Automatically, like being conscious and having the control of the dream, I opened my eyes to see him in front of me, or rather, lying next to me, resting his head on his hand and looking at me. I looked at him for a few moments too.
“I fell asleep”, I said finally.
“You needed some sleep. You looked exhausted”.
He made a move to extend his hand to my face. The same moment, he stopped. He was aware that this would put us in danger, much more than any other time, since we were very close, one next to the other, and totally alone. I knew that too. I raised myself a bit turning my eyes to the sky. It was totally grey.
“It is going to rain”, I realized because of the deep grey colour of the horizon’s edge.
“Would you like that?” he asked me.
“Would you bring rain for me?” I teased him.
“If you like…”
He looked like he meant it.
An angel was bringing rain for me. This would make me happy. Yet, I did not dare ask
for it.
A noise further down drew my attention. I raised myself to determine where it was coming from; an animal, maybe. No. Three men wearing jeans and military coats, were coming towards us. Hunters, I thought. I noticed, though, they were not carrying any guns or something which indicated they were hunters. They were holding cans of beer and as they were approaching, I noticed their reddish faces. They were drunk. They were stumbling and talking loudly. Then, one of them saw us. His expression changed, it became wild and his look darkened. He said something to the other two and they also turned to look at us. This was not good. I did not like their faces at all. They speeded their steps, coming closer to us. I felt fear. I turned to Camen abruptly. He was still lying at the same place. He seemed not to have noticed anything.
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