Ascending From Madness

by Stacey Marie Brown

  Just let go, Alice. Let it in, a voice nibbled at me. Scared to truly let go, I grasped the things that made sense. Logical. Where there was still hope you could come back. If I let go… I would be lost.

  Lost and broken.

  “Not-Alice?” A knock tapped on the wall against my head. Bea’s voice slipped easily through the thin walls between her room and mine.

  Ignoring her, I hoped she’d think I was asleep. Lights out meant we were in our rooms, no talking or interaction with other patients. Sleep was the only thing allowed. And they checked on us hourly to make sure.

  “Ms. Not-Alice,” she sang with a giggle. “I know when you are sleeping and when you are awake.”

  “Bea, go to sleep,” I hissed back. I had done so well to stay out of trouble today. Three nights in the hole with no hope of a shower after chipped at the walls I was trying to keep wrapped protectively around me.

  “But don’t you feel it? It’s coming.”

  Don’t take the bait. Don’t take the bait.

  “What’s coming?” Crap on a nutcracker.

  “The magic. The hope. The story is changing.” She sounded like an awed child, still believing in Santa Claus.

  Santa Claus? My forehead crinkled, a flash of a naked bearded man wearing a kimono and holding a gun flashed in my mind.

  “Ahh,” I croaked, wiggling my body in disgust. “That was stomach-churning.” The fact I imagined Santa naked should tell me a lot about myself. I probably was better off staying here.

  “You will find him,” Bea emphasized the last word.

  “Who?”

  “The one who is lost and the one who is broken,” she replied, her voice slightly muffled through the wall. “You are the key.”

  “Key?”

  “Look, Not-Alice… the clues are all around you. You need to open your eyes and see them.”

  Rolling my eyes, I peered around the room void of anything but a bed, nightstand, and small armoire for our few clothes. Signs of what? What the hell was she talking about?

  “Not only what is there, but what isn’t.” She giggled eccentrically.

  Shaking my head, I gazed out the window again. The woman was certifiable, but there was a good chance I was too.

  A cloud rolled across the moon, blocking the beams into my room. Deep blackness encased the space, obscuring the grounds below. A gasp hiccupped up my throat, my body jerking.

  At the edge of the maze a single red light glowed, burning through the darkness. I could feel eyes searing into me, beckoning me to follow the light, like a ship caught in the storm. In a blink, the clouds slid past, the blue-white light spreading over my bed and hands, the red light vanishing.

  “No. Wait.” I leaped up, and my eyes locked on where the light had been. I could still feel the intensity of someone’s gaze, calling for me to come to them, the lure vibrating my muscles to move.

  Not thinking, I shoved my feet into my boots and ran for my door. I yanked it open and stopped.

  A nurse strolled the opposite way, her back to me, starting room checks. I knew more orderlies were on the nightshift milling around and stationed by the entrance downstairs, guarding this place. Not from what could get in, but from what could get out.

  “Fuck,” I mumbled to myself. The need to go outside flourished inside me instead of lessening at the thought I couldn’t leave. It almost felt I had no choice. I had to get outdoors.

  A soft click jerked my head to my right, Bea stepped into her doorway, grinning at me.

  I wrinkled my nose, motioning with my head for her to get back in her room. She didn’t need to get in trouble too.

  Her smile grew, mischievousness glinted in her eyes. She took a step farther out and winked at me.

  Oh holy fuckin’ night. Noooooo! I shook my head violently, glaring at her with warning. Don’t do this. My eyes pleaded with her.

  “Go, Not-Alice.” She turned away, let out a spine-chilling scream, and started to run down the hall, her bare feet padding on the tile, her crazed cries following her to the opposite side of the building. Crashes and booms echoed off the blank walls like she was knocking and throwing things. I could hear nurses yell, their feet pounding toward her.

  She was drawing them away so I could escape. I didn’t know what they’d do to her, but I had no doubt being put in the hole was the best scenario here.

  Go, Alice! Don’t waste her sacrifice, I screamed at myself, and my legs darted to the staircase at the far end of the corridor, hearing people running up the main ones.

  My boots slapped the aluminum flooring, gravity yanking my legs down the steps, almost making me stumble. I stopped at the bottom and peered out into the dimly lit passage. The front doors would be locked and probably set with alarms. But on my tour of the facility, I saw a side door, which led to the parking lot, where I saw nurses constantly slipping in and out. For a smoke break or what I didn’t care; I only hoped it would still be open.

  My heart thumped against my ribs, fear crawling up my throat as I inched for the door.

  So close. So close.

  Commotion rumbled around the front where the main station was, Bea’s wails still filling the asylum along with loud bangs. But now I heard other patients screaming, joining in like a choir of crazies.

  Watching over my shoulder, my hand clutched the handle and twisted.

  Click.

  Elation burst in my chest when the door swung open, icy air slapping at my face, goosebumping my flesh. If caught, a jacket would have been a red herring of my true plan, but now I wished I had one.

  Stepping out, I shut the door behind me, rubbing my arms. True to me, I had no plan once I got out here, the need overtaking rational thought. But now that I was out, I knew I had to keep running. I darted toward the maze, the need forcing my legs to act out of my control. I had no idea what I was running to or why, but as usual, I jumped without thought.

  Jessica would never let me go.

  I would die here.

  My breath clouded in front of me in large curls, my nose and arms stabbed with the frosty temperatures, my hair the only protection I had besides the blue short-sleeved scrubs they had made me wear, even to sleep in. Nurses Green and Mint seemed to enjoy all the layers they could use to break me, as if it was their personal mission to snap my sanity in half.

  I glanced over my shoulder. The asylum glowed with light, nurses and patients running back and forth in the living areas, no one knowing one slipped out.

  I slowed, creeping up to the entrance. The air skated down on me, heavier than normal.

  Don’t you feel it? The magic? I could hear Bea say.

  Ridiculous. That stuff is in books. It’s not real. I tried to lecture myself, but nothing stuck. Tip-toeing into the shadowy maze, my lungs tingled with energy.

  “Hello?” My voice quaked, jarring the silent night, moving deeper into the maze. “Please. If anybody is here. Come out. Prove I’ve not gone utterly mad.” I snorted, feeling even more crazy for saying it out loud, for believing something was there. I risked everything to come out here, but for what? On the encouragement of a woman whose insanity was beyond question?

  Rubbing my face, I took a deep breath. You’re out, Alice. Run, the logical part demanded. Save yourself.

  “Allliccceee…” My name rushed down the lane, filled with desperation.

  My head wrenched up, oxygen halting in my lungs, my gaze flitting to every space and corner.

  Terror clutched my chest, but slowly I moved down the path, the light from the moon casting an eerie blue glow on the surrounding snow. Shadows hung heavy, making me twitchy and jumpy. I curved down another path, my stance low and ready for an attack.

  “Alice, hurry,” the voice called out again.

  “Show yourself,” I growled. “Stop playing with me.”

  Silence followed my request, but down one of the lanes I saw a red light. Bolting forward, I sprinted toward it. Reaching the spot, the light had moved down another path.

  Twisting and turn
ing through the maze, I chased after the light, feeling oddly like I had done this before.

  “Stop it!” I yelled, my lungs heaving to fill up. “Stop being a coward. Come out!”

  Back down the lane I had come, a giggle of a little girl darted by, heading down another trail. A frustrated noise ebbed up my throat as I chased after her and came to a four-way split. No little girl.

  The desperation to get to them, reach them, like they were bits of my soul I needed to capture and put myself back together with, rattled my bones. Tears stabbed behind my lids.

  A boy’s laugh bounded behind me, spinning me around, my legs leaping toward the aisle. Halfway down, a penguin slipped down another path, directing my feet toward him.

  “Wait!”

  The moment I’d think I had one, they would be gone, only their giggles echoing in the maze, as if this was some game to them. Phantoms inhabiting my head.

  I burst out of a lane into an open area. Frustration and anxiety danced on the back of my neck, spinning me around. It felt like claws were tearing at my mind, the echoes of their happy laughter shredding me. My knees dropped into the snow, a cry strangling my throat. I was so tired. Fighting for sanity. For my life. To be normal.

  Let go, Alice.

  A sob wedged up through my teeth, a last hold to reason. It was in vain, and my will to hold on was collapsing on itself.

  Let go…

  The words were almost soothing, like everything would be okay.

  I shut my lids, my shoulders drooping…

  And I surrendered.

  Chapter 15

  “Alice!” A deep voice called to me through the darkness, but it sounded far away, like he was yelling through thick glass. Turning away, I tried to delve deeper into the blackness. Into the peace where I was light and unburdened. “No, Alice… wake up!”

  Latching on to me, he pulled me from the darkness. “Shit. Don’t do this to me. Wake up.” A sting sliced across my face, causing an angry grunt to quake my chest, ripping my serenity away.

  My heavy lashes beat against my cheek, struggling to rise. Blue eyes stared down at me with a mix of terror and relief. The moonlight streaked over his beautiful face.

  “Scrooge.” The name floated off my tongue before my eyes shut again. I let the hallucinations fully in, and they felt so damn real. I could even feel his warm breath on my face, the jacket he covered me in, his fingers touching my face. Why did I fight this? I didn’t care if I was crazy. If being insane was wrong, I didn’t give a crap. Not if I could live in a world where he was mine.

  “Open your eyes, Alice.” Gravelly and deep, I wanted to stay wrapped up in just his voice. It felt like home. A blanket swathing me in warmth.

  Gradually, my lids lifted. He was even more gorgeous than I remembered, with his black wavy hair, full lips, chiseled jaw covered with a heavy scruff, like he hadn’t bothered shaving in days, and brilliant blue eyes that made me feel possessed with need. They tore down all my barriers, seeing everything in me, making me feel exposed. Naked.

  “You scared the shit out of me.” He pulled me higher in his lap, taking a deep breath. I did the same, inhaling his rich, sexy scent, which produced a whimper from me. Woods and cinnamon. “Don’t ever fuckin’ do that to me again. You got that?”

  Jeez, my hallucination was kind of a bossy ass. But who was I kidding? I liked it.

  He rubbed the puffy black jacket against my arms, sending tingles down my nerves, sensation coming back.

  “What are you doing out here?” His hands moved all over my body, trying to warm me up, his touch feeling like electrical charges. “Why did I find you passed out in the snow, in the middle of this maze, almost frozen to death?”

  “I should ask you the same thing, but since you are a figment of my imagination, I know why you are here.” I tapped at my temple. “At least like this, we are together.”

  “Figment of your imagination?” His brows bunched together, his gaze scrutinizing me, bulldozing through my walls. “What the hell does she have you on? What have you taken, Alice?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Don’t lie to me. What drug does she have you on?” He growled, pulling me to sit up, his grip on the jacket tightening.

  “Didn’t take anything,” I laughed dryly. “I’m naturally this crazy.”

  His brows still squeezed together, straining his forehead. Reaching up, my thumb brushed his cheek, rubbing over the frown. He jolted at my touch but didn’t move as my fingers slid over his skin and down his face.

  “I missed you so much,” I whispered. “Isn’t that silly? In real life I don’t know you, but everything in me tells me I do.” My hand cupped his jaw, feeling the bristles of his scruff tickle my palm. “The moment you walked into my parents’ house, I felt like you were mine. That we belonged together. Damn, I wanted to fuck you. The dirty sex I’ve imagined us having? Wow,” I blurted out, my hand sliding down his neck, feeling his Adam’s apple bob at my declaration. “Damn, you feel so real.”

  “What do you mean?” His fingers wrapped around my wrist, squeezing. “Alice. Do you think I’m not actually here?”

  “Shit, no. I’d never say these things to the real you. Hello. Embarrassing. And so wrong. Married man with a kid.” I cringed.

  “What if I told you neither are true?” His gaze dug into me.

  “Huh?”

  “I’m not a hallucination, Alice.” His hands reached for my face, gripping my chin, forcing me to look in his eyes. “I’m really here.”

  I thought I was good at understanding what was real and what wasn’t. I thought hallucinations were something you saw. A projection, but if you tried to touch them, you’d feel nothing. That was not how it worked with me. I could see, smell, hear, and touch them. No different from an actual person next to me. I no longer trusted my mind. My senses.

  “You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato.” I pulled away from his hold. “There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are.” I winked at him, proud I could still quote A Christmas Carol on cue. My sister and I used to have contests, tossing holiday movie quotes back and forth until one of us had to bow out.

  Matt tipped back, his eyebrow curving up. “Not sure if I should be insanely impressed or ridiculously terrified you knew that by heart.”

  “Probably both.”

  “I’m not a blot of mustard.” He caught my hair between his fingers, trailing them slowly through, longing etched on his features. “I’m. Here. I’ve been looking for you since the moment she carted you away.” He swallowed, looking down. “I am so sorry. She threatened to take Tim. I thought I was doing the only thing I could to protect my son.”

  I understood. I would choose the same, though it still hurt, watching him turn from me.

  Looking away, I took in a breath. We were in the center of the maze, a snow-capped fountain in the middle, surrounded by benches. On the ground was a human-size game of chess, the black-and-white board peeking through the bits of snow.

  Pushing up, I rose to my feet, my legs wobbling like Jell-O. He lurched up and grabbed me.

  “You swear Jessica doesn’t have you on anything?”

  “She thinks she does.” I stared up at him, his warm body looming over mine. My numb limbs gobbling up his heat. “I’ve been able to toss them out. This is all exhaustion and lack of food. But the other night I know she did something to me.”

  “What?”

  “I can’t remember. It’s all jumbled up in a knot. She drugged me. Reminded me of being on mushrooms, but ten times more intense. I saw things. And I swear she asked me the most peculiar questions. It didn’t make sense at all.”

  “What do you think she asked you?” He stepped back, his form going rigid.

  “It’s nuts.”

  “Doesn’t matter.” He shook his head. “Tell me anyway.”

  Pinching the bridge of my nose, I no longer questioned if he was real or in my head or if my story
was completely bonkers. I had given in—let the madness in.

  “She wanted to know…” I rubbed my temples. “How I traveled through the mirrors.” The swirl of memories scattered around my head, each one making the picture seem more puzzling, not less. “And she kept asking where ‘he’ was… her husband… but I know she didn’t mean you.” I took a few steps, trying to dig in deeper. “I also remember she asked me who I followed here.”

  “Yes?” His throat bobbed, his built physique filling more than the space his body took up. Wearing nice boots, jeans, and a black sweater, all I saw was a fierce animal humming underneath his skin. Sexy. Beautiful. Brutal. And savage.

  “I saw you. It was you…” I said, staring back at him, open and raw. No longer hiding anything. “I said a name. Your name.”

  He watched me, waiting for me to continue as if he knew what was coming.

  “But I didn’t say Matt.”

  “What name did you say?” His voice came out a hoarse whisper.

  I licked my lips. “Scrooge.”

  Taut silence crammed the air, his eyes scorching me.

  “Yeah.” He dipped his head, his hands going to his hips. “That’s me.”

  Chapter 16

  “What?” Taking a step back, my spine stiffened. I stared at him, the cold night air ballooning out of my mouth. I tried to swallow over the dryness spreading over my tongue and down my throat.

  He scoured his head, focused on the ground under his boots. “I don’t know how I know… but it is.” He growled, frustration rolling his jaw. “At least it’s one of my names.”

  My toes curled trying to keep my footing, feeling I was about to plunge over a cliff.

  “I’ve been having these dreams.” He shook his head. “Vivid. More real than anything here.” He motioned around. “I remember university, even playing in the street in London when I was a child. My name was Matt Hatter. But another thing I also recall?” He peered at me through his lashes, fear bobbing his throat. “I was a boy in the 1800s there.”

  My mouth parted, no response finding its way out.

  “I know, it doesn’t make sense, nor is it possible. Nevertheless…” He took a step closer to me. “There is no doubt in my gut it’s true. I can still hear the clump of horse hooves and squeak of the carriages in the streets, the smell of grime and horse shit in the air, see the coal factories coating the city in fog. My friends and I played in the street rolling wagon wheels. I can feel the scratchy wool of my knickers.” He shut his lids briefly, like he was reliving it.