Redemption

by Shey Stahl

  “What are you doing? Get in there,” Adam, my trainer, pleaded. “Start fighting or it’s fucking over. I’ll call it. I will. I’m not going to let him destroy you like this.”

  Don’t you see. I’m destroying myself.

  “Don’t call it,” I barked, spitting blood.

  Wake the fuck up. Do something. Don’t go down like this.

  Three guys fussed over my bleeding, nearly closed eye, while I couldn’t take my eyes off Stella. I wanted her to see the pain, the sacrifice for what she was asking me to do.

  Only she wouldn’t look at me. Her stare was on Lucas.

  Look at me, baby. Come on. See me. See what this is doing to me.

  Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe I’d lost her long before that night.

  Shaking the doctors off, the bell sounded. “Leave my fuckin’ eye alone.”

  While I was more aggressive in the following round, I didn’t come close to getting a hit in on Lucas, I’d all but given up mentally. And after a while, I let him hit me. Dropped my hands and let him lay into me. He did too, seeking his moment to end the fight. All fighters were trained to go for blood when they saw that stumble. Lucas was no different.

  I told myself to hit him, refusing to accept this would be my fate, but my body wouldn’t let me, rooted in place against the ropes.

  “Get off the ropes!” Adam yelled, his voice as frantic as everyone else in the corner, demanding I do something. “Get off the fucking ropes!”

  I knew I needed to but my body wouldn’t respond.

  “Move!” Adam screamed, trying to sway me to listen to him. Christ, he fuckin’ tried to get through to me with urgency and encouragement, but I couldn’t make myself listen. “Fucking do something!”

  I fired off what I thought was a succession of jabs and hooks, attempted swings, only I was missing wildly. Lucas pummeled me with a barrage of punches, a right to the head, a left to my ribs, three more rights to my head and I fell forward, my body slumping against the ropes. And then he landed the final shot, the one that sent me to the canvas, a straight right to my jaw. I felt that fuckin’ punch in my spine as my head snapped back and my knees gave way.

  I didn’t remember much else, other than Stella walking away, with Lucas.

  She never looked back at me.

  Inside the locker room, the doctors drained blood from the ruptured vessels in my ears and then left me alone.

  Adam came inside the locker room as I was going to take a shower.

  “What the fuck happened out there?” he asked, looking for a no-bullshit answer.

  Did I want to give him the real answer?

  No. I didn’t.

  “He came prepared.” I ended up telling him, as if he should have accepted that answer from me. Adam had known me for fifteen years. He knew it was a bullshit excuse.

  “Regardless, you were more prepared,” he said, disgust lacing every word. “You had him. I know you gave up.”

  He was angry and he had every right to be. I told him I was sorry, something a fighter never does, but I did willingly. I knew I’d let him down. I looked down at my fists, embarrassed in myself, knowing I not only let myself down, I let everyone else down too. I was empty and then it dawned on me what I’d done. It was as though I hadn’t appreciated anything in my life until that moment, and saw what was once mine, walking away. For so long, I thought of myself as invincible, having never lost a fight until then. I wasn’t invincible, to anything, especially being hurt.

  I avoided the press that night, my only friend, vodka. For a while, I drank to drown my decisions and tell myself Lucas was the better fighter. He won that fight.

  Like it or not, the feeling was sinking in and it was disastrous. By the second drink, I didn’t care about anything, not Lucas and certainly not Stella. By the fourth and fifth drink, I forgot why I was drinking, and where I was.

  One thing remained true: I’d never been more alone in my life.

  At the junction of the ropes (a corner of the ring) where a boxer rests between rounds, his second, the corner man, advises him, gives him water, tries to reduce swelling and stop bleeding.

  Monday morning, the initial autopsy results had come back and revealed probable cause of death for Silas Cade was the extreme amount of cocaine in his system. Sure, the blows he took had resulted in some hemorrhaging in his brain, but that wasn’t what killed him. Some would argue I should have been held accountable for what I had done, but with Silas’s abuse of high-life recreational drugs, no attorney in their right mind would have taken that case on.

  Charges were dropped and I was free to go.

  The day I was released, I kept to myself. I didn’t leave my apartment and I didn’t call Tallan. I needed to be alone and think about my situation, and what it meant having her in it. I guess in a sense, I wasn’t sure Tallan would be prepared for what came with training for a fight. The sacrifices she and I would have to make.

  Not seeing Tallan only lasted a day before I called her. She still had my cell phone so I had to use the phone at the bar, where I needed to be anyway, to meet Adam later that afternoon.

  We were set to announce the fight soon, since the charges were dropped. That meant Adam and I needed to get a team together, develop a training plan, and a fight strategy.

  I woke up around six that morning, jogged to Starbucks by the Pike Place Market and then headed down to the bar. By the time I was unlocking the door, Danny showed up, newspaper in hand, coffee mug in the other.

  As he approached me, he held his paper up, squinting. “I’m assuming the charges didn’t stick?” his tone was teasing, as if he already knew the answer.

  “Apparently not,” I mumbled, walking in front of him to sit down at the bar, reaching over the top for the phone.

  He waited for me to dial before he started in. “What happened?”

  I gave him a look, one that asked why he always waited until I was on the phone to bother me.

  My Uncle Danny, Dad’s younger brother, wasn’t all there. I blamed his years of drug abuse, which eventually led to a gambling problem and the fact that he’d basically bet his entire life away. Everything he’d earned over the years was gambled. And lost. Even his wife, Allison, left him over it.

  You’d think he would have got the point he wasn’t a high roller, but I guessed an addiction is an addiction and came in many forms.

  I watched Danny, wondering if he regretted his ways. More than likely, he didn’t.

  “What the fuck, dude?” was Tallan’s way of answering the phone. “I’ve been worried sick about you thinking you were going to prison or worse, being gang raped in jail.”

  “Gang raped?” I had to laugh, to which Danny eyed me, brows raised in question as he poured me a shot of vodka. Pulling the phone to the side, I pushed the glass away. “It’s not even eight in the morning.”

  “Shut the fuck up, Destry,” Tallan quipped, refusing to let me speak. “I’m not even close to being done with my verbal lashing on you!”

  And she wasn’t. It went on for a few minutes before I finally had to interject. “You’re being ridiculous. None of that was going to happen to me.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Well, for one, let’s touch on gang raping. Do you think any man would be dumb enough to try to rape me?”

  “Probably not.” She sighed dramatically. Her breath long and low, immediately grabbing my attention, making me think of her panting in my ear when she falls apart in my arms. “Were there women in there?”

  “No.” My breath expelled in a chuckle as I reached up to adjust my hat. “Well, yeah, but they don’t keep men and women together.”

  “Well, I’ve never been in jail.”

  “Hmmm. I’m not surprised by that. And it wasn’t jail. It was the police station. There’s a bit of a difference.”

  “Okay, enough.” Finally, she was content with something I said. “Are you out on bail or what?”

  “Charges were dropped Monday morning. For a journalist, I�
��m surprised you never listen to the damn news or pick up a fuckin’ paper. Hell, all you’d have to do is pay attention to any news headline this morning and you’d know.”

  “I haven’t gotten that far yet this morning. I’m still in bed.”

  She must have avoided everything yesterday like me. I couldn’t blame her on that one.

  “In that case, I’ll be right over.”

  “Not so fast, buster.” She was going to make me work for it. And fuck if that didn’t make me want her even more.

  I dropped my voice intentionally, knowing she’d give in, anticipating her weakness. “You mean to tell me you don’t want me to come over?”

  The line went quiet and she made me wait.

  Fuck, she’s pissed at me. As she should be.

  And then she sighed, and that sigh meant one thing.

  Like any good fighter, I knew when I found my opening. I went in for the kill, sensing the fall. “Come on, baby.”

  Calling her baby got her every time. Tallan huffed, the sound growly and drawn out, fighting the emotional and physical responses I provoked inside of her. “Fine, but bring me some coffee.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Americano with a shot of hazelnut.”

  Ah, yes, she’s coming around now.

  “Cream?”

  “Nah, I’ll use you for that.”

  Fuck yeah. “Mmm. Dirty girl.” I knew from the moment I met Tallan, she was dirty. The kind of girl who’d let you do anything you wanted with her, and enjoyed it. You could see it on her face as well as in her snide comments. The girl had snarky and sexy down.

  Shifting in the chair, Danny’s grin caught my attention. I flipped him off as I hung up the phone and reached for my keys.

  Jogging to Starbucks, I had to walk up the street to Tallan’s apartment with the coffee. She didn’t ask for it but I knew she enjoyed their bagels, so I picked one up too. Anything to make up for the embarrassment she probably had for what happened the other night. None of that could have been easy on her.

  “You know the way to my heart.” She smiled at the door.

  “At least you smartened up and started locking the door,” I noted once inside, understanding that wasn’t the best way to greet her, but did anyway. I loved pissing her off because the making-up part was so damn good.

  Tallan handed me a sour face, and my cell phone, which I sat on the coffee table. “He’s gotten to you, too. And some guy named Gordy has been blowing up your phone today.”

  I glanced at my phone, and then back to Tallan, not caring that my manager had called. I only cared about her right now. “Hey, can’t a guy be worried about his girl?” I took the moment to check her out. Her dark brown hair was up in a bun exposing the curve of her neck. When she sighed, and put her hand on her hip, I took in the rest of her.

  She thought, for sure, she needed to lose more weight, but I enjoyed women with curves and something to hang onto. Tallan had that. Nice thick thighs, plump ass and tits that weighted my hands down when I cupped them. My favorite part, the little bit she had around the middle. I didn’t want a woman where I could see her bones. I wanted a curvy woman, and Tallan Spencer was most certainly all of that.

  Tallan quirked an eyebrow. “His girl, huh.”

  Maybe she didn’t like the possessiveness attached to the statement, but damn, it felt good to say it like that. I held the coffee at bay. “I only buy coffee for my girl. If you’re not her, then this ain’t for you.”

  “Give me that.” She plucked it from my hand, kissed my cheek, and then moved backward a step, and then another one, assessing me.

  The burn her lips left on me made me want more, instantly. But I waited, measuring her reaction as well.

  I probably looked like hell, given the lack of sleep for the last two nights but I did shower so at least I didn’t smell as bad as I did at the police station.

  Taking a drink from her cup, her evaluation continued for a minute before pulling the cup back and licking her lips. “So, what happened?”

  “You didn’t read about it yet?” Moving forward, I took a seat on the couch, as did Tallan.

  “No, you can’t believe everything you read in the news.”

  I smirked, my hand drifting to her knee. “Says the journalist.”

  Setting her cup on the coffee table, Tallan lounged back into the couch. “They dropped the charges?”

  “They don’t have anything to go on. The autopsy showed a high amount of cocaine.”

  “Do you think you hurt him?”

  I fucked him up. I knew that much.

  “Not bad enough.” And then her words had me thinking. Does she really think I did it? “Are you going to ask me if I killed him?” My voice sounded like sand and caught in my throat. I cleared it, never meeting her eyes.

  The question remained if she believed I was responsible for Silas dying. Sure, the charges were dropped, but it still didn’t answer if Tallan believed it. She knew I went back into the club and I did for a reason. I could have easily killed him and I knew that. I was being stupid.

  Tallan waited, refusing to speak until I looked at her, caught in a trance, maybe deciding when she shook her head, eyes never leaving mine. “I wouldn’t be here if I thought you did.”

  “Technically, I’m in your apartment so….”

  Her hand flipped up to smack my shoulder but I stopped it before she could and grasped her wrist. I had her straddling my lap in the next movement. “I always forget how strong you are.” Her breath hit my face, soft and sweet from the hazelnut in her coffee.

  I ran my index finger from her waist to her shoulder, feeling her soft skin. “Never forget what I’m capable of,” I said, a hint of danger with my words, hoping she understood what that meant.

  She stared at me, pausing, waiting to see what I’d do next. “I haven’t. And I won’t.”

  Dropping my eyes from hers, I lifted the old T-shirt she was wearing enough that my fingers met her soft skin.

  “Are you sad?”

  “About?”

  “That he died.”

  Tallan’s breath was shallow, her nose wrinkling as she tipped her head. “Six weeks ago, I might have been. Maybe even six days ago. But no, I’m not because the Silas Cade I knew died a long time ago.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “You don’t have to tell me what you think I want to hear. I know you love me.”

  “Oh yeah, how?”

  I grasped her hips impatiently, attempting to show her what I meant before my need forced me to do otherwise. My mouth moved to her lips, the stubble of my chin scratching along the sensitive skin. The touch sent shivers through her body, and her forearms pebbled and tensed. “Your body responds to my every touch.” I exhaled slowly, teeth nipping at her lip. “And your eyes, they hold mine when I speak to you.”

  How could she not see the love? The way she looked at me, her touch, the words, it was different from anything I’d ever experienced.

  “So?” she moaned, trying to resist me by pushing me away. “That could mean I’m a good listener.”

  Curling my hand behind her head, I smiled against her skin, peeking up to see her eyes were now closed. “No, you’re a terrible listener.”

  Her eyes snapped open, shoving me back. “If you’re trying to get in my pants, you’re not scoring this round.”

  Inhaling a deep breath, I was turned on by the fact that she was using boxing terms with me. Leaning forward, I grabbed her by her ass, my fingers digging in. Her delicate female scent overwhelmed me, like flowers and fruit mixed together. It made me inhale, heavily, and it was better than what I smelled all weekend in that dingy cell.

  Tallan registered my touch immediately; her breath speeding and I knew then I hadn’t lost my way with her.

  When we first met, I knew instantly that she was attracted to me. I couldn’t say I felt the same about her. Well, I could. Of course, I found her physically appealing, but my emotions were so far gone at that point, there wasn’t much help for me
to consider anything more.

  I was angry at the world for my own doing and I took it out on Tallan.

  “So, champ,”—Tallan’s hands splayed over my chest, forcing us apart, and she positioned herself differently—“too bad you weren’t in there longer. I’d have to pay one of those conjugal visits to you.”

  “You would have come down to the jail to have sex with me?”

  “Only if you would have handcuffed me to the bars.”

  I was hard immediately and she knew it. I couldn’t help it. Talking about her being tied up granted me some images I was more than willing to explore later. Visions of Tallan, hands over her head and cuffed to the bars in a cell. I’d most certainly never look at a police cell quite the same way. And had half a mind to get arrested again so we could try it out.

  “You missed me, didn’t you?”

  Removing my hands from her waist, I clasped them behind my head hoping she’d do a little work. “You tell me.”

  Rocking her hips into mine, her lashes fluttered when my erection strained through the cotton of my shorts, as if she wanted to close her eyes, but didn’t.

  I knew the feeling. “Is Jared home?” My voice was labored from my breathing I couldn’t control. I could run five miles a day, but get me around this girl and I was out of breath.

  “No,” she whispered, her voice shaking. “He’s on duty.”

  I raised an eyebrow, waiting to see what she’d do. Both hands ran down the side of my scruffy face, pausing as she played with my lips. Drawing her right thumb inside my mouth, I bit down and then swirled my tongue around the soft skin.

  Tallan scurried back and stood. “Jared and I made a rule when we moved in to never have sex with anyone on this couch.” She beckoned me forward with a curled finger. “So, you should meet me in my room.”

  I didn’t like that she removed herself from my lap. Not one bit. If anything, the loss of heat from her body made me crave it more. “I don’t care,” I growled. “I want to fuck you.”

  Tallan waved a hand at me. “Then follow me.”

  Growling out a breath, I followed her, removing my shirt in the process and working on my shorts before we even had the door closed. “Do you really think Jared abides by that rule?”