Pink Fucking Moscato

by Anna Rezes

  “What about me?” he asked, “Am I a sweetness?”

  “Like honey,” I said.

  There was a long span of quiet, and I felt anxious. I had just opened up to him, telling him so much about myself—more than I’d ever told anyone, and he was so quiet. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Did I just change his opinion of me? What if he regretted asking me to go to the beach?

  “Fireworks or sparklers?” Oliver asked, out of nowhere. It was such an abrupt change of topic. I looked at him and he was grinning.

  When I didn’t answer right away, he said, “I like sparklers more than fireworks. Most people judge me for my choice, but sparklers remind me of my childhood, and I still like to spell things out with my sparklers.”

  Leave it to Oliver to make me smile.

  “I like both,” I said, “but while sparklers are fun, they don’t give me that vibration in my chest that I get from the fireworks. Nothing against sparklers, but I like fireworks more.”

  Oliver looked out his side window, saying, “The sun is going down. I don’t know if we will make it in time.”

  “How far are we?”

  “It’s just up here but look.” He pointed to his left, and I saw a glimpse of water.

  “So, I have a bonus question to ask you,” I reminded him.

  “Go for it.”

  I watched him carefully, asking, “What’s your favorite sex position?”

  His head jerked to me, and his eyes caught on my smile. His eyes traveled down my body before they flicked back to the road. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” he said with a chuckle.

  I asked so I could see him squirm, but damn did it backfire.

  We parked on the side of the road next to a sand dune that separated us from the lake. The signs posted said this stretch of beach was part of the state park. He led me down a sandy path between dunes. I heard the water lapping at the shore before I saw it, and then we were there.

  We stood on the beach, inches away from the reaching waters that swayed in and out. I inhaled the fresh air, and the cool breeze blew through my hair, cooling my skin as I looked out over the water. I knew the Great Lakes were big, but I felt like I was standing before a vast ocean. Oliver stood next to me, taking in the same breathtaking scene. The sky extended forever, its faded blue hues singed by fiery oranges and glowing yellows.

  We made it just in time to watch the sun’s yellow flame melt into the lapping navy waters, but even after the sun had dipped below the waves, a halo of golden light burned the sky. Like molten lava, a red glow seared across the horizon. The heavens blushed a ruby red with streaks of pinks and oranges.

  We watched in silence as the colors liquified, melting together until the dark hues overtook the scorching colors. Purple and navy overwhelmed the night sky, providing a dark place for the crescent moon to shine. The waves turned black while the dark heavens gave birth to thousands of glistening stars.

  Oliver turned to me with a serene look. “We made it,” he whispered.

  I nodded, my pulse responding to him. The dark made me more aware of how alone we were. I inhaled, filling my lungs with the fresh breeze. I closed my eyes, battling with my libido that wouldn’t quit. She was making overtime wages this week. I desperately needed her to take a vacation.

  Oliver’s hand brushed my cheek, and my eyes flew open. He was watching me, his hand holding my cheek. His gaze was too appealing, so I avoid his eyes, but his lips caught my attention, compromising my resolve.

  “I wish I could take your pain, Willa.”

  I swallowed. Then swallowed again. I stepped toward him, and he held my face tenderly with both hands. He leaned in, his soft lips teasing mine. His tongue was a welcomed friend, and my palms greeted his chest, wanting to push him away almost as much as I wanted to pull him closer.

  Pleasant heat filled my body, and his hands dropped from my face to run down my sides. Even as he held me, I couldn’t stop sinking. I was falling in love with him. And I needed to pull away to protect my heart. But my heart wanted him, and it so rarely got what it wanted, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him, abandoning the logic that told me this was temporary, that this would never work. The logic that said we had separate lives filled with so much drama that we felt the need to run away. We were escaping together, but we lived in different states. Our lives were so dissimilar, and the thing we had most in common was heartbreak.

  We were a disaster, but the chemistry was real. I tried to stay in the moment with him, wanting to explore the pleasure he promised, but I had opened up about my past, and now it loomed like a shadow, darkening my thoughts and tainting our passion.

  I pulled away before the tears started. He let me go, and I turned my back to him, taking a few steps away into the wet sand along the shore. I slipped out of my sandals and bent down to pick them up.

  I was ashamed I wasn’t strong enough to be in the moment with him. I was ashamed I couldn’t get control over my emotions. I wiped a tear, wishing I could take back all the words I’d spoken to him today. I wanted him to think I was strong.

  “Willa?” he said, walking up behind me.

  I took another step closer to the lake, feeling the icy water wash over my feet. Summer had just started, and the lake had not had time to adjust to the warmer temperatures. I forced myself into the frigid water until the waves lapped just under my knees. Oliver wouldn’t follow me out here. He had too much sense.

  Chills spread up my legs, and goosebumps raised on my arms. I held in the shiver and did my best to make it look like I was comfortable, not crazy. Maybe he would think this was just one of my many eccentricities—like I couldn’t get enough of the view until I became part of it.

  “Willa, it’s fucking freezing,” Oliver hissed, attempting to wade into the water. “Did you go out there just to get away from me?”

  I guess I hadn’t fooled him, but I didn’t want to tell him what I was doing, so I stayed quiet, looking out over the dark waters, trying not to think about what was swimming around my feet.

  “Fine.” He sounded disappointed. “I’ll give you some time.”

  I looked over my shoulder, watching as he walked away. My legs acclimated to the cold as I stood there wondering how to calm myself down. Wrapping my arms around myself, I was tempted to sink deeper. What would Oliver think if I just disappeared into the waves? He’d probably call a search team out here.

  I was afraid to face him, overwhelmed by my fear, but what was I so afraid of? Perhaps, it was a delayed response to me opening up old festering wounds.

  I had let him in which was terrifying, but more frightening still, was he didn’t run away. He seemed to accept me, and it filled me with warm feelings and hope. Hope and I had a contentious relationship, and I was already terrified of my own emotions. I’d given him the power to hurt me, but maybe if we weren’t intimate, I could convince myself that I hadn’t let him in. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to care about him the way I did.

  I wasn’t ready for Oliver, and I doubted he was ready for me. I was too intense, and he was too perfect. His biggest flaw with Addison was self-sacrifice. She might have muted his joy, but I would crush him with my neediness.

  Oliver

  Eventually, she came back to dry land. I stood down the beach, waiting for her with a blanket folded over my arms. I had retrieved it from the truck while she was having her moment.

  “All better?” I asked as she approached.

  She stared at me, looking so sad. “I’m sorry, Oliver. I overreacted but getting involved is a bad idea. You even said so yourself.”

  “I didn’t mean to push you,” I said, then offered, “Come with me.”

  I led her toward the truck but veered to the right, climbing a sandy incline that took us to the top of a sand dune. It overlooked the lake, and the moon reflecting off its crystal surface. I unfolded the blanket, laid it out, and without saying anything, I sat down and waited for her to sit next to me. She sat with hesitation.

  �
�I didn’t bring you up here so I could make a move,” I clarified. “I just thought it was a nice spot, and I’m not ready to go back yet.”

  She looked at me, her knees were bent in front of her, and she wrapped her arms around them, saying, “Name one thing you don’t like about yourself.”

  “Why?”

  “Just do it,” she said, looking back out at the waves.

  I thought for a moment before offering, “I’m too passive.”

  “I think people call that easy-going.”

  “Yeah, but I give in too quickly. Like your question, for example. I didn’t want to answer, but I did.”

  “Does that mean I’m too pushy. I made you tell me.”

  “It’s different with you.”

  “How so?” she asked.

  The breeze blew her hair from her shoulder, and she shivered.

  “Stay here,” I said, standing. “I’ll be right back.”

  “That’s what they say in scary movies right before they die,” she said, sounding serious as she looked up at me.

  I laughed and bent, kissing the top of her head. “I’ll try not to die.”

  I went to the truck to grab the jacket I had in the back seat. She was sitting in the same position, looking out over the water when I returned. She didn’t even look over as I draped the jacket over her shoulders and sat next to her.

  She grabbed onto the jacket, holding it around her as she said, “What makes me different?”

  “What?”

  “You said it’s different with me. Why?”

  I crossed my legs and said, “You push me to look at myself when I’d rather not. You force me out of my comfort zone and make me face things that I’d rather not examine too closely. You’re the reason I learned that Addison controlled my life. I’ve been willingly letting someone make all of my decisions for eleven years.” I uncrossed my legs, ready to jump to my feet, feeling unbelievably angry. “Eleven years and she was fucking Travis.”

  Willa offered me a rock. I took it and looked at her in question.

  “You looked like you needed to throw something,” she supplied.

  I stood and threw the rock into the waves. It wasn’t enough. I needed something bigger. I needed something I could break. “Do you have any more dishes?”

  “Sorry, I’m fresh out,” she said, handing me a larger rock.

  “Where are these coming from?”

  “There is pile over here. Someone must have left them just for us.” She stood next to me, her own rock in hand. Her whole body seemed to wind up before she released the rock, shouting, “Fuck you, Evan Durban!”

  I followed her lead, shouting to let the rage out. I was mad at Addison and Travis, but mostly I was mad at myself, and I couldn’t yell, “Fuck me!” That would not come off right, so I shouted without words as I chucked rock after rock into the lake.

  Willa shouted with words. Every single rock had a purpose. “Fuck you, Estelle! Fuck you, ovaries! Fuck you, life! Fuck you, God!”

  She gasped for air after shouting the last one, and I realized she was bawling. She stopped picking up rocks, and her body shook as she shouted at the night with tears pouring down her face.

  I stared at her in the midst of her anger and pain. She intimidated me. She was like a wild cat, elusive and dangerous, but I wasn’t afraid of her. I was frightened of my reaction to her. When a lion roars, you run the other way, but I wrapped this lioness in my arms, holding her until her breaths slowed and her tears stopped.

  “Do you want to go?” I asked into her hair.

  She nodded, and I released her slowly. She bent to grab the jacket that slipped off, and I gathered the blanket. Together, we walked back to the truck.

  We got in, and I pulled out onto the road, reaching for the radio, but stopped when she started speaking.

  “Do you think God is punishing us?” Her voice was soft.

  I shook my head, “I don’t think that’s how God works.”

  “I thought I was doing everything right, Oliver. I mean, I graduated from college before we got married. Evan and I both got good jobs and bought a house before we started trying for a family. We went to church every Sunday. We worked so hard to do everything just right, and then my body let us both down.”

  She shook her head as she went on, “I did everything right and created this beautiful life, but it all fell apart. Evan didn’t even know if he wanted kids, but then he goes and does everything wrong. He cheats on his wife, shacks up with his girlfriend, and before our divorce was even finalized, he gets her pregnant.

  “They are happy. He gets everything I ever wanted, and I am the only one left to suffer. I know life isn’t fair, but does it have to be so cruel?”

  I didn’t know what to say because life was really fucking unfair sometimes but talking about it only made me angry at the injustice. It wasn’t the time to tell her that there was always someone who was going through something worse because that would only make her feel like her feelings weren’t valid.

  When I didn’t answer, she asked, “What if Addison got pregnant with Travis’s baby?” In the same breath, she said, “I guess that’s not the same. What if she was pregnant with your child and then left you?”

  “That’s not even a possibility,” I smirked. “She doesn’t want to mess up her career with an unplanned pregnancy, so even though she’s on birth control, she always made me wear a condom.”

  “The horror!” she gasped.

  “At least I didn’t catch whatever Travis might have.”

  “What are you going to do when you go home? Where will you live?” she asked.

  “I’ll probably stay at a hotel until I get an apartment.”

  She bit her lip. “Evan basically handed me our house in the divorce. I think it made him feel better about everything, but I don’t want to live there. I never loved that house, but Evan did, so I learned to love it. It’s further from the school where I teach, and the taxes are outrageous. I’m living with my parents until our house sells.”

  “How long has it been on the market?”

  “Two weeks. My realtor is dealing with it. I told him to just go with the highest offer. I really don’t want to be involved.”

  We were quiet for a while, and I broke the silence, saying, “Do you think Addison has called off the wedding? I mean, how does one go about notifying people?”

  She shrugged, suggesting, “Post it on social media.”

  “Addison would never post it. She’ll try to keep it as quiet as possible.”

  “I’m surprised you didn’t want to tell your family.”

  “I don’t want to tell anyone, especially them. I can barely wrap my head around how stupid I’ve been. I’m not ready to deal with other people’s reactions. I can’t imagine what my parents think. My sister, too. They all love Addison. She’s been part of my life for so long that I feel like they’ll be angry with me for calling it off.”

  “She cheated on you!”

  “I know, but people won’t understand. Addie is loveable. You could say she slept with five men and I’d still come off as the bad guy in all this. I don’t even want to drag her name through the mud. I just want this to be over.”

  “Oliver, don’t go back to her,” she said, sounding desperate. “Promise me you won’t. You deserve so much better. I don’t care how great Addison is. I don’t care if she cured cancer. I mean that’d be awesome, but it still wouldn’t change what she’s done to you and everything you’ve given up for her. You put Addison on a pedestal, doing everything to ensure her happiness. You deserve a partner. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. God, Oliver, you are easy to love. You will find the right person, but it isn’t Addison.”

  “I know. That’s why I left and let my phone die. I needed time to process without the pressure from everyone around me.”

  “I used to believe we made our own fate, but I think we needed to meet each other exactly when we did,” she said, looking out the window. “You give me
hope, Oliver. You make me believe that life won’t always suck. Thank you for that.”

  “Only you would thank me for giving you hope, in my most hopeless time. You act like I’m not a mess.”

  She balls up the jacket and puts it against the window, using it as a pillow. As she leans against it, she says, “One day when I was venting to Jodi, she told me that she didn’t understand how I was handling things so well. I didn’t feel like I was handling things well, but she went on to say every time she had a sleepless night or a rough day with her baby, she remembered me and how much I would give to be having that rough day or sleepless night, just to hold my baby in my arms. She said because of seeing me in my struggle; she appreciated her kids more. I was thankful that someone else could take something positive away from what I was going through.”

  “You think someone can benefit from my situation.”

  “I already have,” she said in a small voice with her eyes closed. “Everything happens for a reason sounds cliché, but if all of this hadn’t happened, then we wouldn’t have met.” The silence hung between us, and I wondered if she had fallen asleep, but she softly added, “And I really needed to meet you, Oliver.”

  “I needed to meet you too,” I said just as softly. We still had a way to go, so I turned music on, keeping it low.

  Her body relaxed, and her breathing evened out, long and slow, and I knew she was sleeping. She didn’t wake up when I pulled up to the hotel or when I turned off the engine.

  This was the second time she’d fallen asleep while she was with me, and I was envious of how relaxed she looked. Her mouth was open, and she was drooling on my jacket. It made me laugh, and I pulled out her phone and took a picture of her.

  The flash made her stir, and I dropped her phone back in her bag and rested my hand on her shoulder. “Willa, wake up. We’re here.”

  “Okay,” she mumbled, her eyes still closed. “You go on without me. I’ll sleep here.”

  “I’m not going to leave you out here. Come on.”

  “I don’t wanna,” she whined.