Reining Devotion: A Chaotic Rein novel

by Jenner, Haley

  “But you’re strong,” she argues meekly.

  “Physically, yes. Mentally, I’m as feeble as they come.”

  That’s it. Me. No question. No doubt. A show of muscle on the outside, but cracked on the inside, ready to shatter.

  And now Camryn Rein knows it.

  “Will you keep my secret?” she asks, the plea in her voice as desperate as I’ve ever seen her.

  “This ain’t healthy.” I gesture to her leg.

  “It’s been getting better. Since...”

  She goes quiet, her eyes anchoring to mine in indecision.

  “Since me,” I answer for her.

  “I’m lame.”

  I cough to clear my throat. “I haven’t fought since you.”

  She searches for the lie in my confession. One she won’t find.

  Camryn Rein has become my greatest defense against myself. A distraction I hadn’t believed was a possibility.

  She wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me into her body. Like her kiss, her embrace is a silent recognition of what my fucked-up version of friendship has brought into her life.

  I don’t think about it too hard, hugging her back, showing her my own gratitude.

  “Aren’t we just a fucked up pair?” She barks out a laugh.

  I pull back, a lazy smile on my face. “It’s not as if we could share these broken parts of ourselves with Parker and Codi.”

  She nods. “It’s nice to be accepted. To not have someone try and fix you.”

  “Let’s get this leg cleaned up. You’re staining my tiles.”

  “It’s not deep,” she says softly. “Do you have any of those steri-strips from your eye left over?”

  I place her hand on the towel, making certain she has hold before I stand.

  “I think so.” I open my bathroom cabinet in search of something to stop the bleeding. “When did it start? The cutting?”

  I watch her reflection in the mirror, the dismissive shrug of her shoulders. “Few years. These were all from just after I left college. I wasn’t lying. I don’t do it often. Only when I’m really struggling.”

  “Shouldn’t you speak to someone about a healthier way to cope?” I turn around, handing over the strips she had asked for.

  “Have you?” she bites back.

  “My mind is a maze no one is making it out of.”

  I answered my own question.

  “Why?” I test, more than confident she’ll tell me to go fuck myself.

  “I told you why,” she argues defensively.

  “You know what I mean.” I lean against the vanity, arms crossed against my chest. “What was the catalyst? What was so painful that you find peace in harming yourself?”

  The line of her throat bobs thickly as she swallows.

  “What was yours?” She throws back at me, eyes focused on the cut, no longer than an inch, carved into her thigh.

  “My mom,” I answer without delay. “The way she died. I was weighed down by a pain I could never lift off my shoulders. Then Marcus hit me, Kane too, and for the split second in time, the physical pain brought down by their fists was enough to erase the pain in my heart.”

  She looks up then, looking into me deeper than I’m comfortable with. “But that’s not everything.”

  It’s my turn to swallow my hesitation.

  “Someone else left me.”

  She watches me carefully. “A girl?”

  I shrug, not willing to divulge any more. “Your turn.”

  Placing the small white strips across the cut, she dabs at the spot, cleaning away the dried blood. “I can’t,” she chokes on the words.

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  She shakes her head, refusing to answer.

  “Why?”

  Glancing up, she lets me see the pool of tears collected in her eyes, readying themselves to fall. “It hurts too much. I’ve never spoken to anyone about it, not completely,” she begs me to understand.

  “You’re scared.”

  She blinks, her tears racing down her face silently.

  “You find something that scares you, beauty. You stand the fuck up and confront it head-on. You stare it right down the fucking eye and if it forces you back... you push it back. Harder. You stand tall. Squared shoulders. And push. It. The fuck. Back. You own it. You let that fear know it won’t fucking control you. That’s how you destroy it. With strength. With the force of you.”

  She rejects my words, that head of hers shaking vehemently. “I’m not strong enough.”

  I frown, irritated by the lack of belief she holds in herself. “Not possible,” I condemn, forcing myself to stand tall. “Because even if by some reason you falter, you’re forgetting your reinforcements.”

  That offers her pause, the incessant shaking of her head stopping, confusion settling in its place. “Huh?”

  “Me,” I declare. “At your back. Holding you up and helping you push those fucked up fears down. I’m an impenetrable wall, baby, and I’ve got your back.”

  Her face softens. “Why don’t you let people know that you’re good? Why do you force us to only see the villain?”

  Scratching at the hair along my chin, I shake my head. “We’re not talkin’ about me, Camryn.”

  I watch her inhale deeply. “I fell in love when I was eighteen,” she starts. “My first year of college. That stupid teenage love that you’re convinced will last forever. I thought he was my everything.”

  “How long did it last?”

  “The relationship?” she tests and I nod.

  “Four years. Eighteen months of young, happy love. Two and a half years of pure vitiated hell.” There’s no emotion in her voice. No feeling of love or despair, or hostility or heartache. Just… nothing.

  “I was isolated from my family, the few friends I’d made in class abandoned me because he was such a dick. I was just too blind to see it. At first anyway.”

  My anger starts off small, tiny stab wounds of fury poking at my shoulders. Typical predator, he needed her weak to feel powerful.

  “By the time I realized how poisonous he was, I was pretty much as alone as any one person could be. I was ashamed at the position I’d put myself into. I was so fucking stupid.” Her head shakes in disgust. “I pushed Codi away. I pushed my dad away. They stopped calling, thinking I was too busy with my new life to care about them.”

  She swipes at the tears falling down her cheeks without permission, not wanting to give him the ability to make her cry anymore.

  “He controlled everything about my life and in the end, I let him.” Too ashamed to look at me as she speaks, her eyes focus on the floor, the soft mumble of her voice almost too low to hear. “When I ate, what classes I’d attend, what I did socially, when we’d fuck.” Her voice splits open, cracking along the word like a lashing across her back.

  He starved her when he felt the need.

  Isolated her because he could.

  Dictated her life because he tore her down for her to think his wants were hers.

  He raped her because he could overpower her.

  I’d kill him if I ever have the chance.

  “I’d fight.” She finally looks at me, her tone begging me to believe her. “Sometimes. I’d fight sometimes. He’d hit me. I think he enjoyed it more when I fought. When he could subdue me.”

  It catches her then. The pain she’d been avoiding by slicing her leg open. Face falling into her open palms, her sobs overwhelm her. The agony she’d caused herself by holding it in letting go like a dam wall breaking, a tidal wave of truth surging forward, destroying everything in its wake.

  “I was nothing. He knew it and he made sure I did too.”

  I don’t move. My body itching to comfort her, but her shame strong enough to keep me at bay. She doesn’t want my pity. She doesn’t want my comfort. She needs this. She needs to cleanse herself of the toxicity he injected into her life. To share the ugly parts of her soul and know that doesn’t make her less of a person. To release some of the burden
and know that someone else will hold it for her. That I’ll hold it for her.

  She cries for a long time. Her tears brimming like the crest of a waterfall; unrelenting and freefalling. I like that she’s comfortable enough to cry in my presence. She hasn’t attempted to stop, to flee or apologize. It’s the most real version of Camryn I’ve seen, that anyone has seen.

  She’s breaking and healing in front of me and it’s the most courageous thing I’ve ever seen another person do.

  “How’d you get out?”

  The back of her hand rubbing along her nose, she sniffs ungraciously. “Codi came to visit. One of his friends took a liking to her.”

  Her head shakes, the fear of her thoughts spiking.

  “I couldn’t… I couldn’t let her fall into the abyss like I did.”

  “You saved yourself because you were strong enough to save her.”

  Standing, she moves to the basin, wetting the towel to drop to the tiles, cleaning away her smeared blood. “Why do you think we do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Put more value in the life of those we love than of our own?”

  Tiles clean, I lean forward to retrieve the towel from her, dumping it into the trash can under the sink. “Because we don’t know all their flaws like we do our own. We look at Parker and Codi and see how they’re better than us. We don’t consider their weaknesses or the way they’ve failed in life because to us, that’s insignificant. We’re harder on ourselves, we judge ourselves more than we judge others. It’s depressing as fuck, but it’s easier to find forgiveness for others than it is for yourself.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Camryn

  I gave birth to my feelings.

  Every sordid one of them.

  They spewed forth like an untamed rapid; turbulent and catastrophic.

  I all but vomited my damaged heart onto the floor, laying it at his feet, asking him to not judge me for how scarred it was.

  My shame exploded in our faces, decimating the wall I’d spent years building up. Only the rubble of my past remained, laid between us like a sacrifice.

  I had divulged my most hallowed secret.

  To Rocco Shay.

  Questionable decision twelve thousand and eighty-five.

  Or maybe not.

  In that bathroom, standing before me with warmth shining from his icy eyes, he looked like a broken angel.

  My imperfect savior.

  He wasn’t repulsed, he was captivated.

  He wasn’t uncomfortable, he was engaged.

  He didn’t pity me, he felt my hatred and met it with his own malevolence.

  My fight became his. He vocalized nothing, but I could read the promise in his eyes; storming forward in thick grey clouds of assurance. He’d kill my monster if he could. He’d slay my demons without mercy. Moreover, he’d do it with a smile on his face.

  From that fractured moment, something shifted. We changed. A titanium connection was built. An attachment that was forged in the one thing neither one of us ever expected to feel, acceptance.

  I wasn’t worried that he’d betray me. Just as he wasn’t concerned that I’d forsake him. Trust flourished and we knew without discussing it that it was solid.

  The expiration of our previously agreed upon arrangement has come and gone. Forgotten like our animosity.

  Two months have passed by in a blur. Our dependency only growing with each day. We’ve managed to replace our nightmares with one another. Freed from our everyday masks in one another’s company. We’re too afraid to sever the connection for fear of the incidental harm it would cause.

  My body is stronger than I’ve ever seen it. Muscle sits on my limbs like foreign additions. Agile and lithe. Rocco has succeeded in crafting my body into its own weapon. I feel energized. I feel capable. I feel strong.

  “Are you listening?” Codi snaps her fingers in front of my face.

  Smacking her hand away, I nod. “I can’t believe you’re getting married today.”

  “I know.” She drops beside me on her childhood bed, the silk of her white robe brushing along my leg.

  “Are you nervous?”

  Her shoulders lift dismissively. “Not about marrying Parker. I love him. The day seems over the top.”

  Dropping my head to her shoulder, I inhale the sweet scent of her skin. “I’m still surprised he was so insistent that you get married in a church.”

  Her head moves to rest atop mine. “It’s what Lila would’ve wanted.”

  “I’m sad that his mom won’t be with him today.”

  She sniffs. “Me too.”

  “You don’t find it odd that he didn’t want to invite anyone to his wedding?”

  She stands, moving to the box of donuts on her dresser. “No,” she answers, picking up a glazed one and taking a bite. “He’s never told me outright, but I don’t think he or Rocco have any close friends. I guess they’ve kept everyone at a distance their whole lives.”

  I frown. “That’s sad.”

  “No sad faces.” She points at me. “It’s my wedding day. We aren’t allowed to be sad. Here, eat a donut.” She throws one toward me. “Sugar fixes everything.”

  Attempting to catch it in my mouth, I fail, the sticky dessert hitting my chin before falling to my lap. Dipping my tongue out, I lick at the icing on my skin.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you eat like a rabid dog?” Codi laughs.

  Shoving the entire donut in my mouth, I shake my head. “No.” The word is completely unintelligible, my jaw struggling to let me chew around the dough.

  Opening her mouth to tell me I’m disgusting, a knock at her door interrupts us.

  “Hi.” A middle-aged woman pops her head in. “I’m Linda.”

  “Hair and makeup,” Codi tells me. “Hi. I’m Codi. This savage is my sister, Camryn. She’s going to shower to remove the excess food from her face.”

  Linda smiles at us. “I’ll set up over here.” She points close to the window. “We’ll start with you, Codi.”

  Brushing the crumbs off my chin, I stand awkwardly. “Nice to meet you, Linda. I’ll clean up and be right out.”

  * * *

  St. Paul’s Episcopal Church was Lila Shay’s sacred place. She would sit in this very church, her two boys by her side, participating in evening prayer or morning mass. She asked for guidance at times when her future path was not clear. She’d seek comfort she could only find in this place of worship. This space was where Mira would visit following her sister’s untimely death, mourning a loss she couldn’t understand.

  I can feel it, the heaviness of the moment as we step inside. Lila Shay watching us all from the wooden beams framing the building. Her spirit filtering across the ocean colored windows in a welcome none of us had expected. She infiltrates every corner of the space and I feel both humbled and honored by her presence.

  I can’t see Rocco or Parker, but I can feel them. I can feel their grief wrapping around me, finding their own peace in this bittersweet moment.

  It makes sense that Parker would feel close to her here. That being married in this place of prayer would let him feel as though she was sitting on the very front pew, watching him marry the love of his life with a smile on her face. A smile not different to his or Rocco’s. Wide and infectious. Her gray eyes glistening with unshed tears. She’d celebrate louder and with more elation than any other. Her boy was happy. He was loved. The goodness that she’d nurtured within him had flourished, letting him fall irrevocably in love.

  “Do you think she’s here?” Codi whispers, her purple eyes, wide in awe, skating over the church in hope.

  “She’s definitely here,” I assure her, blinking back the emotions threatening to wet my eyes.

  I turn to my sister, my emotions getting the better of me.

  “You’re so beautiful.”

  It’s been said at every wedding since the dawn of time. Likely believed with everything within the preacher’s heart. But going forward, it’ll never be true. Because s
tanding in front of me, lace contoured to her body in perfection. Codi is timeless. She’s the definition of elegance.

  Long-sleeves, a scalloped neckline, a daringly-low back and bottom-hugging gathering; she’s the dream of every bride on their wedding day.

  Beyond exquisite, her curves are tastefully accentuated. Her blonde hair is pinned up intricately, showing off the slim line of her neck.

  “I feel so out of place not wearing my Chucks and jeans,” she whispers.

  “Oh, Codi,” Dad interrupts before I can tell her she looks like a modern-day princess. His chin wobbles with a want to cry and I look away before I’m holding a similar look on my made-up face. “You’re a vision.”

  “You’re gonna make me cry,” she reprimands, encouraging him to come closer with a wave of her hand. “Hug me.”

  “They’re ready for us. Parker looks ready to just storm down and steal you away from us all.”

  “Is he nervous?” she worries.

  “Not about making you his wife,” he soothes her. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a Shay from today. My littlest Rein is leaving me.”

  “Let’s not start the waterworks. I don’t want this day to be memorialized with mascara running down my face like a clown in every photo.”

  Dad and Codi laugh. “Where are your flowers?” he asks her.

  “Here.” I pass them to her.

  “White roses.”

  “For Lila,” Codi whispers, linking her arm through our father’s.

  The soft strums of the violin and piano twist through the church like an ode to love. Delicate and graceful, a beautiful ribbon to tie Parker and Codi together for eternity. Schubert’s Ave Maria settles the quiet hushes of the people into nothing as I step forward, my feet sliding down the aisle to a silent and severe Parker.

  Dressed in an impeccably tailored tux, he looks ready to burst with anticipation. I wink at him as I approach, bringing a small smirk to his lips.

  The guests stand as Codi and my father step forward, a collective inhale echoing across the acoustics of the room in awe. Not that I doubted that would occur, like I said, the most beautiful bride to ever exist.