Living Clean

by Narcotics Anonymous

  Keys to Freedom

  As we practice these principles in all our affairs, they gain traction in our lives, and they start feeling more natural. For example, in the beginning we may have to consciously practice being honest. As we continue this practice, we find dishonesty progressively more uncomfortable, perhaps even agonizing; and gradually we notice that honesty has become more normal for us. We are basically honest people, and we even like it. Some say this is how we know a Higher Power is involved. When our defects are removed, we may not feel them go. We may not even notice the change unless we fall back into old behavior and find that it is no longer comfortable or workable for us. We call our sponsor in distress over having “done it again,” or even because we are thinking about acting on that old defect, and realize how long it has been since that behavior had crossed our minds. Learning to survive our impulses without acting out is a new freedom. Over time, the desire to act against our values begins to fade.

  Our self-made prisons no longer serve us. We are free to explore and discover what we are good at. We are free to participate, create, care and share, surprise ourselves, take risks, be vulnerable, and stand on our own two feet. We find our beliefs and begin to act on them. We make decisions based on our values. We walk through fear and wake up to the miracles that surround us. We are free to be who we are and live as we choose.

  When we feel the deepest gratitude, we can look back and see that our path to that moment was neither short nor straight. What seemed like the worst decisions at one time in our recovery opened the door for some of our greatest opportunities later on. We may simply outgrow some of our decisions. What was right for us at one point in our recovery may not be right for the rest of our lives, but it can be difficult for us to move on. Gifts can come wrapped in such strange packages that we don’t always recognize them when they arrive. Nothing that happens is entirely good or entirely bad. We do not pretend that there are no mistakes in recovery, but sometimes those mistakes can take us in a direction we hadn’t thought of before.

  Recovery is not a standardizing, “cookie-cutter” process. We don’t all go through the process in the same way, and we don’t all come out of it the same. But there are some familiar landmarks we pass. We have phases and stages, corners we turn, staircases we climb. Each of us has periods of intense growth and times when change is more subtle. Having a new way to live means that we have to live in new ways, and we can get confused or lost even when we have many years clean. Allowing each other room to grow at our own pace is difficult, especially when we care for each other, but self-acceptance and self-respect are the result of going through the process in our own way.

  Time is not the same as experience. Just because we have been here for a long time doesn’t mean that we know everything we need to know. We don’t graduate from the simple steps that keep us clean and free. Our lives continue to unfold. We start at different places and we grow at different paces. Time represents the opportunity for growth, but we still have to step up to the challenge and be open to the lessons. Practicing honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness keeps us teachable, grateful, and humble. The difference between humility and humiliation can be the level of acceptance we have about the information we get. When we listen with an open mind, anyone can carry a message to us.

  There are no unnecessary principles in NA, though we may learn them in our own time and in our own order. We can’t expect to find what we are looking for if we work some of the steps and not others—or if we are ignoring the traditions, or living in conflict with our own values. Spiritual principles are not dependent on time or circumstance. We learn by observation and experience. There is a difference between feeling like we are so sick that we will never get better and knowing that we are never done growing or recovering. Exploration lasts a lifetime. We begin over and over. It gets easier to act in our own best interest, even when we are feeling resistant. A member shared, “I often hear newcomers say that they can’t imagine going to NA meetings for the rest of their lives. I had the same reservation, but today I can’t imagine my life without NA.” We learn to do what we have to do, as well as what we want to do. We don’t always want to work our program, but we know the rewards we get when we take responsibility for our recovery—and the consequences when we do not.

  New information can be hard for us to accept when it doesn’t come to us in the way we think it should. Whether the information itself is surprising or the messenger is not someone we usually look to for guidance, we may dismiss new ideas because we don’t like the package. A member shared, “I would stand on my head in a corner if my sponsor told me it would work, but when the words that could save my life come from someone I really don’t care for, it’s easy to dismiss them.” New tools are available to us when we allow ourselves to be surprised by both the message and the messenger. If it brings us to reevaluate our belief system, so much the better—we can see our initial resistance as a reservation in our willingness. Trying new things in recovery is one way we keep ourselves from getting stuck. No matter how long we have been clean, we can go to meetings and listen for the music. “It’s like when your ears pop,” a member shared. “Suddenly, I could hear what I didn’t know I was missing before.”

  Our traditions teach us that in NA there are no classes of membership. It follows that the new member is as likely to save the life of the oldtimer as the reverse. When we stay open to that reality, many of the limitations we set for ourselves disappear. We teach by example. Even when we are teaching what not to do, we are still carrying a message. Sharing our experience gives it meaning and value. Our hope is that the next member will do better than we did, that they can learn from our mistakes. It doesn’t always work: We are people who tend to learn things the hard way. But when a member with two years clean shares with us that the experience we had at ten years clean kept them from doing the same thing, we know that we are getting better, personally and as a fellowship.

  Wisdom is building on past experience to cope with new events. When we think about our lives now in contrast to our active addiction, it is important to remember that “it is not where we have been that counts, but where we are going.” But where we have been in recovery is the foundation of our wisdom. We learn from our experience, and we use it to help others. Our wisdom grows as we learn to see ourselves honestly, without judging or jumping to conclusions.

  Growing Pains

  Sooner or later, we experience a particular kind of opportunity or catastrophe we haven’t heard about in meetings. Sometimes an event like a breakup, the loss of a job, or changes in our family triggers a flow of feelings, and it doesn’t stop. Grief, hardship, or betrayal can make us feel terribly lonely. Occasionally, we experience physical changes that bring emotional freight with them, including depression, anxiety, and deep fear.

  There are also times when we find ourselves in crisis even though the circumstances of our lives look pretty good. Even the excitement of living our dreams—taking on a new career, moving to a faraway place, creating a family—can make us feel like we don’t belong. Sometimes an outside event starts the ball rolling. At other times a cascade of emotions seems to start from nowhere. It can feel like we are backed into a corner, even if nothing is really happening at all. Once we have been through this feeling and survived it clean, we know it won’t last forever. But that doesn’t mean we can see our way out. We come through these experiences with a deepened understanding and faith in our recovery. Through hard work and grace, if we keep coming back, we do get free.

  Eventually all of us come to an emotional crisis in recovery. We start wondering if recovery will last, or if we had just gotten a brief reprieve and we are about to go crazy again. A member shared, “My life seemed stable by outward appearances, but inside I was a mess. I was clean, but miserable, reactive, and fearful.” We find ourselves in these dark places sometimes with many, many years clean. We deal with our addiction, but some of our underlying issues remain untouched. Long-buried emotions come pouring to th
e surface, and we may or may not have the tools to deal with them. “As I discovered things about myself,” a member shared, “my emotions started to run amok.” There are no bitter ends in recovery, but sometimes it feels like that’s where we are. Recovery gives us a new chance at life. Sometimes we have to accept that invitation more than once.

  The bottoms we hit in recovery can be frightening. We go through some dark times; when we are in pain, it can be hard to reach out, and easier to see differences. But even in the darkness the process is still going on. When NA members say, “Don’t give up five minutes before the miracle,” we’re not just talking about the first one. Our lives are full of moments when we are faced with the difficult decision to grow or go. Many of us leave not when things are horrible, but when we have one more spiritual hump to get over. We lose our way right before the miracle—sometimes again and again.

  The faith that leads us to build a successful life may not be sufficient to sustain that day after day. A new kind of surrender is necessary if we are to stay clean and keep growing. Spiritual growth can be bewildering, frightening, and very lonely. Some of us give up on the process at this crucial point when there is nothing left to blame or change but ourselves. Selfishness and self-centeredness die hard. But we can get through it with the help of others who have survived this passage, and we find great gifts are waiting for us on the other side. What we heard when we were new still stands: Keep coming back, no matter what! Many of the challenges we face have concrete symptoms, but are actually spiritual in nature. It’s hard to spot a spiritual crisis: Usually it is disguised as a crisis in our relationships, finances, career, or family.

  When we are in crisis we may try all kinds of escapes and excuses before we resort to the steps. We can be intolerant, angry, defensive, vengeful, guilty, and resentful, testing the patience and tolerance of those around us. The only way out is through. We must roll up our sleeves and get to work. These struggles often push us into to the next phase in our recovery. We can come out stronger and healthier people for the experience, if we are willing to do the work.

  Early in recovery we were told that if we kept coming to meetings, sooner or later we would hear our story. It would be a mistake to think that our using story is the only one we need to listen for. Our recovery story is no less dramatic, and there are times when we need just as much to go to meetings and listen for that. We hear it when we learn to listen with our heart as well as our ears. Sometimes we have to go looking for it, seeking new meetings, asking around, and sharing about what’s going on. We find people who have been through what we’re going through, and got through it clean. We need other people to walk us through hard times, and we need to reach out and help others as we heal.

  There is hope. When we listen to others share their pain and how they get through it, we get a broader view. We see new tools in action, and we can learn to use their experience to go forward in our own lives. When we change our attitude or perspective, we can find a new sense of compassion and gratitude. Perhaps the most valuable lesson of all is empathy. However, empathy isn’t a treatment plan; it’s a way of life. When we can relate with one another and see each other’s growth, we begin to believe in the possibility of our own recovery. Listening to other addicts share without judging them is the beginning of listening to our own heart without judgment or punishment. When we have compassion for ourselves, we give ourselves permission to be in the world, and that makes us much more useful to the world.

  Our ability to feel joy and gratitude can be a direct result of the suffering we have endured. Staying clean is not a guarantee that nothing bad will happen, but the principles in the steps teach us how to live on life’s terms and give us the courage, strength, and wisdom to stay clean no matter what. We are able to live lives of joy and purpose no matter what we have been through. Faith is what keeps us doing the footwork even when we can’t see the reason.

  One of the benefits of reaching out is finding that our most painful experiences can help someone else. When we say, “I’ve been through that, and I stayed clean,” we realize with gratitude that we have gotten to the other side of something we had feared we could not get through. There is great satisfaction in being able not just to look back, but to reach back and help someone else across.

  Getting through hard times strengthens our faith. When we are grappling with issues that don’t have easy answers, we experience our greatest growth. One member suggested, “There are spiritual tourists and spiritual explorers; one plays it very safe, and the other will step right out there and try God out. We get more certain of that relationship as we go.” As we mature in recovery, we learn to be comfortable with the hard questions rather than only feeling okay when we think we’ve settled them. Having all the answers makes it hard to be teachable. Often when we say we are looking for solutions, what we are really seeking is control. Over and over we go looking for the answers, but there really aren’t that many to find—and we don’t need that many. The steps help us to increase our ability to be honest with ourselves and others. More often, and sooner in the process, we are able to recognize our responsibility for our actions and motives. Identifying what drives us to act as we do helps us to find relief from all the ways our disease shows up. It also gives us the ability to see more clearly. We begin to move toward what we want rather than just away from what we fear.

  Each time we let go, there is a degree of mourning and then an opening of possibility. Each time we get through that process we find new freedom in ourselves. But it can take years to let go enough to feel that freedom. We hang on fiercely, mistaking the attempt to control all the variables in our lives for vigilance in our recovery. Letting go looks different at different times in our recovery.

  Making peace with loss is one way we learn acceptance. When we experience loss and find that we can still feel complete within ourselves, something changes. The feeling that we must constantly fight for our survival starts to ease. We can let someone else be right, or let something go, without losing ourselves or our dignity. We can see our part in situations without falling into the belief that everything has to be somebody’s fault. Often, a loss we are struggling to accept in the present helps us to deal with earlier losses that haunt us. Acceptance is not an all-or-nothing event, and it doesn’t necessarily happen all at once. Like so many lessons in recovery, there are less painful ways to learn, but they’re not always the ones that stay with us.

  The more we learn about ourselves, the more we are able to work toward our own personal vision of hope. At the same time, we remember that our vision for ourselves is a fleeting glimpse of our Higher Power’s will for us. As we pursue our dreams, we may find ourselves in places we never imagined. It’s all possible, but that means we take risks and sometimes experience failure. Even when we fall flat on our face, we can get up again and move forward. That’s part of the journey, too. We get less and less afraid of the truth. But we don’t get there by standing still and waiting for recovery to happen to us. We learn, we grow, we give, we create—and we keep coming back.

  A Vision of Hope

  Learning about acceptance, love, and compassion helps us to accept ourselves without conditions. As our faith deepens, our understanding of what it means to act in good faith changes as well. We no longer use our disease or where we are in our recovery as an alibi for bad behavior. Our recovery is constantly enriched by what we learn. We make peace with ourselves—with all we have gained, and lost, and learned, and become. We find gratitude for the events that bring us to this moment. The process is a power greater than ourselves. The reward for staying with it is feeling at peace with who we are.

  Self-acceptance changes over time. We learn to live with our frailties and imperfections. We find that the defects we accept and forgive are more likely to be removed than those we fight against and try to control. We can mistake the obstacles in our path for a part of ourselves. Learning to direct our attention toward our assets and goals and away from our defects and obsessions is a ne
w freedom. We start to believe that our positive attributes are not part of a façade or a figment of our imagination. Our feelings don’t frighten us like they used to, and they seem to pass more quickly. We know that we may not change our feelings right away, but we can change our behavior. Mood follows action. When we do the right thing, we can start to feel better.

  The person we see in the mirror may bear little resemblance to the version of ourselves that other people know. When we are locked in self-obsession, we may have no idea of the damage we are doing to the people around us, or even to ourselves. Similarly, when we reach out, we may not see the positive effects we have on our own spirits or the world around us. We may still see ourselves as we were when we got here, not recognizing that the principles we have been practicing have become part of who we are. We trust our sponsors and friends to show us the changes we cannot see in ourselves.

  Caring for our spiritual condition is like cleaning the house: If we want the benefit, the work must be ongoing. The better we do at keeping up with the daily routines, the less painful the big cleaning is when it comes, and the less often we have to undertake a major overhaul. We are responsible for our recovery, but that doesn’t have to be an endless chore. A member shared, “There was a time when I dreaded stepwork. It felt like a punishment. Now I am excited to work on my recovery, because I know the steps are the road to freedom.”

  It’s not recovery that is painful; our resistance to it is what hurts. When we step away from our recovery and act against our beliefs—that hurts. Using is about distortion. We are drawn to things that distort our perception, from drug use to resentment. Sanity is living in harmony with reality. When we are spiritually awake, we are willing to see clearly. We recognize the habits of mind that lead us back to the same feelings over and over, regardless of what’s happening around us. Until we stamp it with the name “excitement” or “fear,” the feeling can be identical. Making a choice in how we describe our experience gives us a choice in how we experience our lives.