Living Clean

by Narcotics Anonymous

  The ability to complete a goal comes from the practice of diligence. Developing some autonomy from our negative feelings is one of the rewards of meditation. Our practice helps us to focus and see things through. We remember to put our program first, and to respect our own limits. We strive every day to keep ourselves spiritually balanced. Sometimes we are more successful than others. When we act in love and humility, we are amazed at what we can accomplish. We stop being so afraid of ourselves and find the courage to stand up for what we believe.

  Our commitment to Narcotics Anonymous may be the first promise we ever keep. “I always sought freedom from restraints or authority. The way I convinced myself of my freedom was by becoming a nomad. When you are never anywhere for long, you can pretend that your choices don’t confine you, that you leave no trace on the world. My emotional luggage was always standing by the door. NA has asked me to do what I have never agreed to do before: to stay.” We must come to terms with our own resistance in order to make a commitment to the program. But the unconditional love we learned in the fellowship is one of the most solid things we have experienced. Trusting that gives us the courage to stay through our discomfort.

  More and more we find that the principles of the program guide our choices. The ability to choose wisely begins when we are able to be honest with ourselves about our motives and our desires. Sometimes doing nothing is the most spiritual thing we can do. It can keep us from having to make amends later, and it gives us time to seek guidance from our Higher Power. We can have our feelings without being had by them. Laughter and joy can be as spiritual as prayer and service. Some say that enlightenment begins when we lighten up on ourselves.

  Creative Action of the Spirit

  As we gain more confidence in our spirituality, we become more willing to improvise, not only in our spiritual practice, but in the way we live. We become willing to do the right thing and to let go of fear. We go from simply showing up and reporting for duty each day to a willingness to serve the greater good in the best way we can. We start by following suggestions, and progress to doing the right things for the right reasons. We can stop there—but if we are willing to strive for more, we have the opportunity to exceed our greatest expectations for ourselves. Our experience settles a lot of our ambivalence about spirituality. We can just go ahead and have the relationship with our Higher Power without worrying so much about the things we don’t know or understand. Each time an experience reawakens us, we are more aware of the power nudging us to wake up to our lives.

  Great or small, our awakenings show in our willingness to practice the principles and carry the message. Service has much to teach us about our spirituality. It’s how we show our love and gratitude, but it is also how we learn it. When we act together, we are greater than the sum of our parts, smarter than our decisions, and more powerful than we think we are. The Second Tradition reminds us that a loving God guides our efforts in service, and we can see it clearly when our short-term setbacks or disagreements somehow don’t interfere with carrying the message. We see a Higher Power working in NA and come to believe it can work in our lives too. A member shared, “When my home group has put off a decision because some of us aren’t sure what to do, we usually make a better decision later. I learned to do this in my personal life: When I take time to pray, I make better decisions.”

  Some see our service to NA as a training ground: It’s where we can learn to practice principles of acceptance and mutual respect. It’s not always gentle, but we share a common purpose and a common bond. And because in NA we are all equal and all learning, we are always both the student and the teacher. No matter how long we’ve been around NA, there always seems to be the opportunity to learn a little more about ourselves when we get involved. “I did some of my early service just to fit in. Over time I have developed a true desire to serve NA. Service makes me feel good about me. I am useful, and I hope and pray each day for new members to join and help carry the message. It takes a long time for NA to grow. To stick with it I have learned patience, hope, acceptance, love, and commitment.”

  We can do so much in our world. Once we find recovery, our addiction no longer limits us. We are of value in and out of the fellowship. “Today I understand I am an instrument of my Higher Power’s will. I have a choice whether I will play in tune, create a new song, or just make noise for its own sake.” By adhering to spiritual principles we are able to live, work, and accept situations in the real world, inside and outside NA. When we work the steps in order, we learn to apply them to our daily affairs. If we practice these principles, we never have to use again, and we can continually improve our ability to serve and to cope with what life brings. We admit our powerlessness, ask for help, admit our errors, work on our defects, make amends, and ask for continued guidance. As we apply these principles to our daily thoughts and actions, we enhance the quality of our lives.

  We begin to sort ourselves out with the steps as an ongoing part of our lives. Sharing ourselves, whether we are telling our story or reading our inventory, helps us bring order to the chaos. We experience deeper spiritual growth each time we embrace a step. Over and over we surrender, let go, and trust the process; each time another door opens inside us. The gnawing hunger we felt inside is filled as we practice prayer, meditation, and service. As our defects release the chokehold they once had on us, we are freed to live fully. The narrow choices that once defined us give way and we begin to dream, imagine, create, solve problems, or just seek joy in life itself. Our NA program provides a solid foundation. We can use that foundation to achieve anything, as long as it is centered in spiritual principles. We learn to trust the principles of NA to guide us in all our affairs.

  It is important to have conviction about what we do. We no longer change who we are to match who happens to be around. Because of this new sense of conviction, we have a clearer path to follow. “Before NA, I was a coward and a follower. My spiritual awakening compels me to stand firm in my beliefs,” offered a member. Resentment, fear, and arrogance cut us off from the ability to be spontaneous, creative, and free. We open that channel when we begin to take selfless, loving action. We learn to respect and love people without seeking approval.

  We become responsible members of our communities, taking what we learn in the meetings and practicing that in our lives. Service matters in the world. At different times our paths lead us to be of service to others, directly or indirectly. One of the most wonderful feelings we know is that of being a part of humanity. When we practice spiritual principles we experience awareness and empathy with others. Spirituality teaches us to feel human. After so many years of isolation, a feeling of well-being rises within us, assuring us that we are right where we’re supposed to be.

  We put this way of life into practice with our families, people we work with, and all of our other relationships. We do the best we can each day. Sometimes we improve just a little bit; at other times we make big progress in practicing the principles, or we really fall short. Our progress is not always steady, but we can see it happening over time. We learn to live our principles. We begin to say no when something isn’t right for us, even if we might lose someone’s approval in the process. We learn to take care of ourselves and our responsibilities, and not to blame others when things don’t go our way. We start to see the opportunities for growth that are available to us on our best and worst days.

  Hope and freedom from active addiction come to us early and are given freely. This is what some of us call “the pink cloud.” We don’t have to work for it. But there comes a time when there is no more “just taking.” This is a crossroads; many of us stop here and never know what we have missed. We get the real rewards of recovery by giving back and giving forward, out of gratitude for what we have been given, and out of hope for what is to come. Being of loving service is living spiritually. First we take, then we give, then we share. Living fully is a creative expression of love for our Higher Power. To be fully alive, awake, and honest about who we are is a
gift to us and from us.

  Our spiritual connection leads us forward into a new life of joy, wholeness, and endless learning. We discover within ourselves a passion for living. Our experience is transformed into tools for healing and keys to compassion. We find within ourselves a clarity and beauty we never suspected we had. In whatever way we experience conscious contact, a feeling of acceptance and relief from turmoil seems to come for all of us. The principles of Narcotics Anonymous are the tools we need to deal with whatever life brings. Seeking our Higher Power’s will for us brings us ever closer to our own heart’s desire: to feel loved, useful, and part of something greater than ourselves.

  The spiritual foundation we find in NA gives us the confidence to live and enjoy life, to help others, and to carry the NA message secure in the knowledge that we are guided to exactly where we need to be. We begin to feel connected to the world around us, and our lives have purpose. We find the courage to follow our heart, to listen to the voice within, to create, to commit, to explore, and to live.

  We arrive at Narcotics Anonymous hoping for survival. What we find is love, courage, a sense of connection, and a sense of direction. All our lives we had looked for the peace and safety we experience in recovery. As we seek our Higher Power’s will for us, we come to an understanding of our purpose. Spiritual awakening is a process. Maybe it is what the whole process is about. We nurture our awakening spirits and know that we are finally free to live in grace, integrity, and dignity.

  Our Physical Selves

  Each of us has different ways of seeing ourselves. We are physical beings, and we are also spiritual. We are spiritual beings, and we are also emotional. As addicts, we are prone to alienation—the feeling of being apart from—and sometimes we even feel apart from ourselves, as if all these pieces of who we are don’t add up to one whole person. When we focus on what is real, we can begin to accept ourselves with all our contradictions. All these pieces of ourselves come together like a kaleidoscope, beautiful and colorful and always changing. We let go of the idea that the pieces need to line up perfectly for us to be okay. We can see amazing harmony in our lives just by being aware of what’s happening inside ourselves—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

  We talk a lot about how addiction affects our bodies, but the physical part of recovery is ignored to a surprising degree. We free our minds and spirits, turning them over to a higher power, but our bodies can be another story. Our physical, emotional, and spiritual lives are interwoven: We can think of them separately, but we cannot experience them separately. If we don’t deal with the physical part of our recovery, we run the risk of becoming disconnected from our spiritual path.

  Taking good care of our bodies can be a challenge. We go back and forth between indulging ourselves in ways that feel selfish or excessive and punishing ourselves or piling on restrictions in an effort to control patterns that feel like symptoms of our addiction. After long struggles with ways and means to drive ourselves back into healthy behavior, we find that what we really need to do is surrender! Often it’s when we help a newer member work the steps that we see how they apply to our lives today.

  Even though we may have beliefs about what a relationship with our bodies should be like, most of us feel we are not living up to that standard. There are lots of people who want to tell us how we should do it, but taking an honest look at how we relate with our bodies is new and scary. Too often we hold back from the freedom our program has to offer because we are not entirely ready to let go. We are aware of our imperfection, but see it as something we should control, not something we can surrender.

  Our sense of humor allows us to squeeze a positive attitude out of a negative self-image. When we are able to laugh at ourselves, we lighten up a little. We do the work, but we also learn to play. We see our defects, but we also see what there is to love about us. Balance in our lives is dynamic, like walking on a tightrope. It only works when we are moving. We are constantly in motion—and so is the way we see ourselves.

  It’s a Relationship

  A relationship with our bodies is just that: a relationship. It can be healthy and rewarding, or abusive and destructive. Mostly, it’s somewhere in between. We live and grow, get better and worse, and find that the process is rarely a straight line in one direction. Like any relationship, it requires communication and responsibility: paying attention to our bodies, giving them what they need, caring for them, and seeking help when necessary. For most of us, this does not come naturally. A member shared, “I needed to learn to treat my body like something other than my enemy.” Very few of us come to NA with education or experience in what is good for us. Even if we did know better, living through active addiction means we spent long periods of time abusing and neglecting our bodies.

  Our relationship to our bodies has been troubled: We spent a lot of time trying to escape them, after all. We pushed the limits, not only through combining drugs, overdosing, or substituting in order to get high, but in other ways as well: staying awake for days and then sleeping almost as long; not eating, or eating in bizarre and unhealthy ways; selling our bodies or engaging in unsafe sex; participating in or exposing ourselves to extreme violence. Our disease craves instant gratification, but learning how to take care of our bodies takes time, and so does healing. We may want results as soon as we start, but mostly they accumulate gradually.

  The quality of this relationship varies over time. Sometimes we care for ourselves and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we confuse what we look like with who or how we are, and think that changing our outsides will fix the void we feel inside. Poor self-care can be a sign that we are in trouble, either in terms of our self-esteem or our priorities. When we are not taking care of ourselves physically, chances are we are not taking very good care of ourselves emotionally or spiritually, either. On the other hand, mood changes can be a sign of a physical problem. When we notice a change in how we feel or react, it’s usually worth looking a little deeper.

  Some issues or life changes bring adjustments to our relationship with our bodies, like quitting smoking, going through pregnancy or menopause, or recovering from an injury. Taking a job that is more demanding than we are used to or working different hours can really affect how we feel and how we take care of ourselves. Emotional changes, too, like beginning or ending a romantic relationship, can change the way we see and relate with our bodies. Whether the changes are ultimately for better or worse is a choice we get to make.

  Caring for ourselves leads to other kinds of freedom, including increased energy, freedom of movement, self-esteem, and discipline. We develop the ability to take action in other areas of our lives. If we are resisting a larger change, then we are likely to resist the smaller changes that would make it possible. When we are not taking action on a particular area of our recovery, it’s often an indicator that transformation is coming. Breakdown often precedes breakthrough.

  Letting Ourselves Go

  In the Third Step we make “a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Most of us make that decision for the first time early in our recovery, but our desire for control expresses itself in many different ways. It is not a decision we make only once. Each time we return to it our resistance lessens, our commitment deepens, and our ability to let go increases. Some suggest that we are in a process of progressive surrenders. We take back control and let it go again, each time finding that we can let go a little more, and that some of what we took back last time we can now let go for good. Next time we look, we find that we are still holding on here and there: “I can turn over this part of my life,” we say, “but that other part is my job to handle.” Finding the line between personal responsibility and willful control is a challenge. One member shared that for her, “The real surrender is surrendering to the fact that I will be surrendering for the rest of my life.” It’s different for each of us. In fact, for most of us, the answers change over the course of our recovery.

  Feeling at ho
me in our bodies can seem to be beyond our wildest dreams. We feel too fat or too thin, too tall or too short, too old or too young. Some of us feel we were born in the wrong time, place, gender, or culture. We may hardly recognize the person we see in the mirror, or in photographs: “That can’t be me!” When something feels wrong inside, we look outside to explain it. Our sense of alienation surfaces in all sorts of ways. We may simply feel uncomfortable in our own skin.

  We bring these issues into recovery with us, but it may be a while before we see that they are important. Many of us will share at meetings about having been bone-thin when we got clean; what we talk less about is our response when our bodies start to heal and we begin putting on weight. Some of us find that once the weight starts coming on, it doesn’t stop. We might joke that we “put down the spoon and picked up the fork,” but it’s not always funny. We may feel deep shame or horror at the weight gain. Some of us consider using again to deal with it. We may stay clean but find that compulsive behavior—eating to discomfort, vomiting, fasting, abusing laxatives, experimenting with radical diets—brings its own problems, and its own rush. Obsession with our weight can also lead us back to control games with ourselves: We withhold food, exercise compulsively, and punish ourselves in order to drive ourselves “into shape.”

  Substitution can be a good tool for keeping us away from that first drug, or for helping us to replace destructive behavior, but it can also create its own problems. Obsessive and compulsive patterns other than using drugs often emerge after we get clean. Many of us find that our relationship to food is complicated. We may never have known how to eat properly, and in our addiction, frankly, other things were more important. We ate irregularly, or we ate junk food, or we didn’t eat at all. We got used to being hungry, or throwing up, or eating as much as we could whenever we could.