Wrong Text, Right Love

by Claudia Burgoa

  Love you,

  Nyx

  To: S. Daniels

  From: P. Brassard

  Monday, June 8th

  Subject: Lease

  Would you mind giving me an explanation? This weird dude came out of nowhere, asking me to keep my voice down, offering me to cut the rent in exchange for my silence, and being just plain weird.

  I’m guessing you didn’t have a leasing contract. Not to worry, though, Nyx fixed that. I love you, but you know that I don’t like to be hanging by a promise that I can stay and then have this shitshow, because that’s what just happened. I don’t appreciate that the guy next door just barged into my apartment from the door you asked me not to use.

  Listen, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but next time at least give me a heads up and get a contract up front.

  Who are the DuPonts? I get that the guy owns the building, but does he have that much power that he can barge into my house? I’m confused by everything that transpired. Not only confused, but angry. I’m so worked up that I’m going to get my phone today.

  Persy

  To: P. Brassard

  From: S. Daniels

  Monday, June 8th

  Subject: (Re) Lease

  For a second, I thought we could handle things without a contract, but you are right, we need something that backs you up in case things don’t work out. I don’t trust Chad. That’s one of Clyde’s stepbrothers. I’ve talked about them, haven’t I?

  They are strange. He’s the worst, and I recommend you stay away from him. He’s a sociopath. Not the serial killer kind, but one of those intelligent people who can’t interact with other human beings. Sorry for putting you in that position. I didn’t think they would create any trouble.

  Who are the DuPonts? I don’t know. Should I research them?

  Let me know if you need anything. I’m here for you.

  Love,

  S

  There’s a knock on my door. I check the peephole, and it is the infamous Chad. Sheila always complains about Clyde’s stepbrothers. I know she hates them, but since this guy is my neighbor, I’m going to try to look past the hate she has for him.

  “What do you want?” I ask from my side of the door.

  He waves some papers and says, “I have the contract ready for you to sign.”

  I swing the door open. “So, you’re the legendary Chad.”

  His jaw twitches and answers. “She warned you then. I can be scary.”

  “I’ll make sure to buy a taser, in case you try to go serial killer on me,” I answer, taking the contract and glancing at it.

  Nyx always has my back, but I make sure it reads like a normal contract. Right from the first page, I notice that she initialed each page. She already read it and made sure that they did not change a thing. I grab a pen and sign it.

  “Who are the DuPonts?” I ask him, handing him the papers.

  He throws a sexy, cocky grin my way. This guy can’t be the Chad. He doesn’t seem like the guy Sheila complains about all the time. It’s not the hotness, but his blue eyes, though guarded, seem to radiate friendliness. I bet he’d help a grandma cross the street.

  “I just made up that shit to scare you,” he says.

  “Because you thought I was the cleaning lady?” I look at my arms. “Are you implying that because I have olive skin color—”

  He raises a hand. “Stop. Before you tell me anything, I’m part Latino, and I’m not suggesting that your skin color is the reason you’d be the cleaning lady. You’re in my brother’s house without permission, and usually, the cleaning crew comes Tuesdays or Wednesdays. I don’t know how many people arrive or who they are—it’s a company.”

  “No one told you I was moving in?” I ask, confused. That doesn’t sound like Sheila. She is so thorough.

  “My brother thought it’d be funny to blindside me,” he explains.

  “Wick?” I ask. “What kind of name is that?”

  He glares at me. “Now that we settled this discrepancy, please try to keep your voice at a normal tone. Apparently, I can only enforce the noise ordinance if you are throwing a party—or you don’t let me sleep after ten P.M.”

  I chuckle. “What can I say? I am a rule follower.”

  “Just remember, an eye for an eye is an ancient rule. I can play dirty and dish it back, Sweetheart.” With those last words, he leaves my house, and the unsettling feeling makes me fire an email to Nyx.

  To: N. Brassard

  From: P. Brassard

  Monday, June 8th

  Subject: An eye for an eye

  He told me that when he was leaving. Can we do anything about it?

  Also, I’ll buy you dinner tonight, but let’s visit Callie first. I need a phone.

  Love,

  P

  I’m concerned about his warning because Clyde never liked his stepbrothers. According to Sheila, they are awful. I’ve known Sheila and Clyde for years. They live in the same neighborhood that my grandparents used to live in.

  To: S. Daniels

  From: P. Brassard

  Monday, June 8th

  Subject: Chad

  Why would you send me to live next door to the sociopath? Also, aren’t they too old to be holding onto the grudge? Clyde is a very mature person. Maybe he should settle the animosity between him and his stepbrothers. Family counseling is a great solution. It’s been years since his mom married their dad. By now, the three should understand that they are going to stay together for a long time.

  From my perspective, I don’t think he is as bad as you suggest. He gave me this month for free and discounted the rent by more than half after the whole misunderstanding.

  Thank you for getting me the place—even though I might get killed by the guy next door.

  Love,

  P

  To: C. Brassard

  From: P. Brassard

  Cc: N. Brassard

  Monday, June 8th

  Subject: Phone

  Nyx and I want to invite you to dinner. Why don’t I pick you up around five, and we head to the cellphone store first? Afterward, we can go to one of those fancy restaurants you love so much. I’ll even let you be in the picture this time.

  Love,

  P

  To: P. Brassard, N. Brassard

  From: C. Brassard

  Monday, June 8th

  Subject: Phone line

  Fine, I’ll buy you a fucking phone, but I am adding you to my plan. Don’t expect me to pay for anything fancy like unlimited data or long-distance calls.

  Love,

  Callie

  Persy: Hey family, this is my new phone number. Make sure to save it.

  Eros: Why did you get a new number? I told you to give me the address of that asshole to recover your phone.

  Callie: Leave Jonathan alone.

  Nyx: I told you his name was Jonathan and not Joshua. You owe me three drinks.

  Persy: I needed a new phone, though. They couldn’t back up my old pictures—nor my contacts.

  Eros: Then you should’ve gone to your current cellphone company and got a new phone with the old number. I get that you are trying to teach Calliope a lesson about responsibility, but was it worth it? Half of your life was on that phone.

  Callie: She didn’t teach me anything. She’s just wasting twenty dollars of my hard-earned money a month.

  Eros: See, I told you it wouldn’t do much if you made her buy you a phone. Just do what I said and keep this one to make her suffer. God, I hate when I sound mature. You and Nyx are supposed to be the grownups of this group.

  Persy: You are not funny, but I love you.

  Eros: Love you, too, sis.

  Nyx: You don’t love me? I’m responsible—sign the contracts I sent you, Eros.

  Callie: P is his favorite sister.

  Mom: Children, stop! Eros, you are not allowed to have favorites. Persephone, call me when you have time. You can’t use the excuse that you don’t have a phone anymore.

  Persy: I’ll
call you after I’m done working. Love you, everyone.

  Nine

  Podcast Week 1 Season 3

  Wednesday, June 10th

  “Hello, all you beautiful people. I’m Persy, and this is Life with Persy. Each week, I’m answering your questions about your relationships with your cat, your significant other, your parents, your siblings, and your roommate, to name a few.

  “Need to get along with a nosey neighbor from hell? There’s always a solution.

  “Does that cute guy from Tinder come with more baggage than you bargained for? We’ll talk it up and dish it out here.

  “I’ll offer advice, tactics, and tools that you can use in your daily life to create your own slice of happiness.

  “Just a reminder, this podcast is not suited for work, but you can play it almost everywhere else on your favorite podcast listening devices.

  “This week we’ll be covering boundaries, some emails from our listeners, and breakups, so stick around.

  “Speaking of boundaries, I want to talk to you about my parents.

  “Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care.

  “Boundaries are imperative in a parent-child relationship. One of the most challenging aspects of growing up is setting limits, restrictions, and expectations with our parents as we grow older. I know what you’re thinking, it’s hard to teach our parents that they have to step aside and let us live our lives.

  “I don’t have a problem when they tell me I’m dating the wrong guy or that maybe I should be buying my own place instead of subleasing from my friends. No, I’m talking about making sure that their grown children aren’t around if they are planning on having sex in the middle of the day.

  “Guys, have you ever had a word ruined for you? For me, it’s juicy.

  “If I never listen to the word again, it’ll be too soon. The word is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Can you imagine listening to your dad say, ‘Look at this juicy pussy’ while going down on your mother?

  “You might say, ‘Persy, stay away from their bedroom.’ Well, I should tell them, ‘Parents, don’t do it in the kitchen!’

  “Listen, I’m happy to know that at their age—early sixties—they’re still having sex. Who wouldn’t want to have what they do?

  “I’m not single-shaming myself or any of my siblings, but I do hope that when the person we want to enrich our happiness with arrives, we have what they do.

  “As some of you already know, I spent Memorial Day week with the family. It’s a tradition my parents started years ago. No matter what we’re doing, where we’re living, or who we are with, we have to spend that week together. As I said, it was fun, but our parents should learn that the kitchen isn’t the place to have sex—when your children are around. I’m sure it’s parenting 101.

  “Do you know what Mom said when I caught her?

  “‘It’s a natural thing. We’re trying the book your brother gave us for Christmas, Sixtysutra: Sex in the Twilight Years. You should review it in your show or on your blog, Persy. It has really good information.’

  “Kill me now. Guys, I’m glad my parents’ sexual appetite is high, but I don’t need to witness it, am I right?

  “Now, for those listeners over sixty who have a hip replacement like my father, be assured that my mom, Edna, will have a few guest appearances during this season to tell us more about Sixtysutra and how to keep your sex life in tune after retirement.

  "And since we’re chatting about the older generation, our first email of today is from Not That Young.

  Persy,

  My husband of thirty years is having an affair with our daughter’s best friend who is only twenty-three years old. I’m in a state of utter shock and denial. He doesn’t want the divorce, but he wants to keep seeing her. His excuse is that we do not have enough sex. What can I do now?

  Signed,

  Not That Young

  “Man, this is hard. I am just as astonished as you are my dear Not That Young. I wish I could be there to hug you.

  “Of course, you’re in shock, and there’s not much you can do while you’re trying to navigate through this unbearable situation. The one person you trusted for so many years betrayed you and wants to continue his affair. There’s no excuse for what he’s doing to you. He should’ve opened the channels of communication and told you what he needed.

  “During Season 1, Episode 7, I told you about my parents’ separation a few years back. They realized they were growing apart, and before they caused any irreparable damage, they took a break and opened those channels of communication.

  “They were able to find each other at the end of their self-exploration, and they are happy. I think it was smart for them to take a step back.

  “Their relationship is one of the reasons I focus on couples and sex therapy. It’s beautiful to see people grow independently and as a couple. Some of those partners come to me, hoping to fix their romantic relationship, and when we’re done they might be going their separate ways, but they remain friends. It’s part of a cycle.

  “Every couple and every person is a different world. You’re entitled to your emotions, and if you feel like this is the end of your relationship, there are plenty of paths where you can walk and people out there for you to discover. Please, never doubt that you can start again.

  “I hope you’re seeing a therapist, and if you’re not, my advice is to look for one as soon as possible. You have to deal with the pain and start healing, so you can make the right decision—for you.

  “Separations are devastating, and after thirty years of marriage, you need to be mindful of your body and your mind. Don’t think twice; reach out to your loved ones. Call your best friend, your sister, even your daughter. You need your tribe to be there for you.

  “Speaking of splits and painful breakups, my sister Callie just broke up with her boyfriend. Nyx and I are having a breakup party for her this Friday. I already have a care kit for her. Wine and this month’s The Sexy Life of Persy subscription box.

  “Have you ordered your box yet? It’s the perfect kit to start your summer.

  “If you are looking to give something to your best friend, your mom, or yourself, just go to my website and order one.

  “This month’s toys are my favorites. I’ve been getting a lot of playtime with the finger tickler. Guys, if you have to have a toy this year, it’s the Clit Tickle. It feels warm and buzzy and so good. It is fantastic. Every time I use it, I come so hard—and it makes me want to have sex. As I always say, if you know how to bring yourself to the edge and fall, you can teach your partner how to do it, too.

  “Included in my box is my latest read, Learn What Makes You Feel Good in Bed. Remember, that’s our Book Club read for August. Make sure to join my social media group so we can interact during our Book Club week.

  “Setting aside our favorite toys, let’s discuss breakups. The phone line is open, and I’m here to listen and give you tips…”

  Ten

  Her

  Wednesday, June 10th

  “Are you a professional liar?” I jump when I hear the Grump Next Door speak.

  “What is your problem, Chad?” I ask, and I wish I knew his last and middle name.

  Wouldn’t it be fun to call him the same way parents call their children when they are upset?

  The way my parents did when I was little and running around with Nyx, “Persephone Nerisse Joy Brassard, stop that nonsense right now!”

  If I ever have children, I’m going to middle name the fuck out of them. At least give them two. It gives parents’ time to get into character, before lecturing their kids.

  “You just threw out a big lie to make your listeners order that Kamasutra book for the elderly.”

  I laugh. “Obviously, you haven’t met my parents. They have more than one sex book in their library. Also, were you listening to my show?”

  “It is hard not to listen when you are so fucking loud,” he argues. “You are lucky that I stayed quiet beca
use, man, your advice is shitty.”

  “I’m a certified therapist.” I glare at him, standing up and walking closer to him. “My advice is sensible but generalized. I don’t know my listeners well.”

  “Well, Mr. Waiting for The Right Man needs to stop pining for his best friend and just put himself out there. I can’t believe you told him to bare his feelings. What’s the point?”

  I stare at him. “Are you a relationship expert?” I ask.

  He shakes his head, “No, but you could’ve just given him the apps you are using to look for Mr. Right.”

  “That’s not good advice,” I refute. “What would you do if you were in his shoes?”

  He blinks.

  “Do you go and look for another guy, instead of trying to figure out if your best friend is the one?” I ask rhetorically.

  He lifts his palms up in the air and looks at the sky. “You are crazy. First of all, I’m not into guys, but if I was, yes, I would just look for someone else. It’s clear that the best friend is not into him.”

  “No, it’s not clear. Wouldn’t it be best to know for sure, before you move on?”

  “Clearly you don’t know men. We are pretty simple creatures. If his best friend was gay and into him, they’d be having sex right now.”

  I huff. “Well, if you don’t like my advice, why don’t you start your own show?”