The Distance

by Alexa Land

  “I’d been wanting to fuck you all night, from the moment I opened the door and saw you standing there looking so damn sexy in your leather jacket and tight jeans.”

  He grinned embarrassedly. “The reason they were tight is because I put on weight. I wasn’t trying to be all seductive or anything.”

  “Like you have to try.” I traced his bare shoulder, and after a while I asked, “Do you have to get home?”

  “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to stay here tonight. I set the alarm on my phone for seven a.m., which will give me plenty of time to get home before Izzy wakes up. She almost always sleeps in on the weekends, thank God.”

  “I’d love it if you stayed.”

  Kai shifted a bit and pulled me closer. He was quiet for a minute before saying quietly, “Tonight was amazing, and I don’t just mean the mind-blowing sex. Thank you again for the great company, for cooking, for building the tent, all of it. I’m not used to the royal treatment, and I want you to know I appreciated it so damn much.”

  “You’re more than welcome.” After a moment, I sat up and said, “I almost forgot something.”

  I reached over him and found a small reading lamp in the drawer of my nightstand, then pulled the covers back and directed the light at Kai’s midsection, being careful not to shine it in his eyes. He chuckled and asked, “What are you doing?”

  “I was going to check out your other tattoo the next time I got you naked, remember?”

  “Oh, that’s right.”

  I panned the beam over the rows of text on his ribcage, then knit my brows. “It’s all in Hawaiian. What does it say?”

  “It’s a bedtime story my dad used to tell me, about a family of birds who lived on an island. One day, one of the birds decided to spread his wings, and he flew to another island across the sea. He was sad at first, because he missed the other birds. But eventually he realized he was never really that far from the ones he loved, because he carried them with him always, in his heart. It was meant to be an allegory about me growing up and moving out someday, but it took on a whole new meaning after my dad’s death.”

  I asked if he’d read it to me, and Kai closed his eyes and began reciting softly. The language was soft and melodic. I followed along with the words written on his body, and when he reached the end, I said, “I’ve never heard anyone speak Hawaiian before. It’s a beautiful language.”

  “I think so, too. My dad made sure my sister and I both learned it. The language was starting to fade out in our culture, since everyone speaks English on the islands now. In the last couple decades though, there’s been a push to teach it in schools in Hawaii as a second language. My dad would have been happy to see its resurgence. Of course, it’s not offered in schools here on the mainland, so I’m trying to teach Izzy myself.”

  “It’s great you’re doing that.”

  “It’s a part of who she is, so I think it’s important. My dad was proud of his Native Hawaiian heritage, and he made a point of teaching us about our culture and history. The language is a big part of that. I’m trying to do for her what he did for my sister and me.”

  “Is your mom Native Hawaiian, too?”

  “She is, but her side of the family didn’t embrace our culture the way my dad did.”

  I put the light away and wrapped myself around Kai. “Thanks for reading it to me.”

  “Thanks for asking.” When I tilted my head to look up at him again, he kissed me gently. After a while, he said, “This has been the best night ever. I don’t want it to end.” I didn’t either.

  Chapter Eleven

  Five Weeks Later

  “I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” I told Kai, rolling over in bed and switching the phone to my other ear.

  “Friday feels like it’s so far away.”

  “It does, although technically it’s Wednesday now since it’s midnight. Friday’s getting closer.”

  “Not close enough,” he said.

  For the past month, I’d tried so hard to take it slow, even though I wanted to be with Kai all the time. He and I had a standing date every Friday night, and after the Saturday races we’d always go back to his garage and tear each other’s clothes off. We spent the rest of each week apart, and the nightly phone calls after his daughter went to bed had become a tradition. Since I was letting him set the pace, Kai was always the one to call, and he did so without fail.

  We kept the conversation light and mostly just talked about our day. I’d tell him about the ever-present craziness at Nana’s house and what I was doing to help with her wedding planning, and he’d talk about what Izzy was up to and what he was working on at the garage. He’d gotten a couple more jobs from Ash, the DJ, who’d referred his friends as promised, and a few walk-ins after Kai and I repainted his garage a cheerful red and put up a flyer at the LGBT community center. The garage looked worlds better, even though the newly painted bay doors were tagged by some kid in the neighborhood at least a couple times a week, and Kai was forever painting over the graffiti.

  After chatting for a few more minutes, Kai said, “I guess I should let you go. It’s late.”

  We said goodnight and disconnected, and I got up and wandered around my room a bit, since I was wide awake. Eventually, I ended up at the window and perched on the narrow sill. I had a view of the backyard and studied Skye’s sculpture for a while. It was beautiful, and slowly coming along. He had an interesting approach, very much one step forward, two steps back as he pried off almost every piece he welded into place and kept making adjustments until it felt exactly right to him.

  Even though it was only partially completed, the sculpture stirred up a lot of emotions in me. There was so much longing and anticipation in those two faces and the way they were poised with their lips not quite touching. There was an underlying sadness too, at least to me. For all eternity, those two metal men would never be able to close that distance between them. They were frozen there, separated by just a few inches, but that was enough to keep them from what they both clearly wanted.

  That longing in particular resonated with me. I wanted to be in Kai’s arms more than anything. I’d done well for the past month. I hadn’t rushed him or pressured him into making whatever was happening between us into too much too fast. But God, I missed him like crazy when we were apart. He was all I could think about. Every week just became something to get through as I counted down the hours to Friday night.

  After a while, I stuck my bare feet into my sneakers, threw on a hoodie over my pajamas, and grabbed my keys. I tried to tell myself I was just going for a drive to clear my head. It was a lie. I drove straight to Kai’s neighborhood, like I was caught in a tractor beam.

  The pink house was dark, except for a light in the attic. I found a parking spot halfway down the block, and after a heated inner debate, I got out of the car and pocketed my keys. Damn it. This was the exact opposite of playing it cool, taking it slow, and all the other goals I was constantly working on. I knew I should get back in the car and drive away. I didn’t.

  I stood out on the lawn for a couple minutes, feeling like a stalker. If I hadn’t forgotten my phone, I would have texted him, probably something stupid like, Hey, so, I was in the neighborhood…. Instead, I decided to go old school and found a few pebbles in the flowerbed.

  I stood back and tried to toss a pebble at the window on the third floor, not too hard, because breaking the glass would be ridiculous. I missed entirely. In my defense, it wasn’t a big target, it was high up, and the porch was in the way. After a couple more of my attempts bounced off the wood siding, I sighed, found a few more pebbles and climbed onto the roof of the porch, like I had the day we’d painted the deck.

  My target was far more accessible now, and I bounced a pebble off the glass on my first try (or my fourth, depending on how I looked at it). I had to duck out of the way when it rained back down on me. Nothing happened, so I tossed another pebble, and then one more. I was gearing up to toss my final pebble when the wi
ndow slid open.

  I couldn’t see Kai from my angle, and he was probably looking out at the street and couldn’t see me, either. I felt like an idiot as I called in a loud whisper, “Um, hi. I was going to claim I was just in the neighborhood and decided to drop by, but that’s total bullshit.”

  I was shocked when Malia stuck her head out the window and smiled at me. “You must be Jessie.”

  I felt my face turning crimson as I stage-whispered, “Yeah, hi. Sorry about this. I was just looking for Kai.”

  “Can you get in here from there?” she asked, and when I nodded she said, “Come on up.”

  She ducked back inside, and I put the last pebble in my pocket and brushed my hands together to clean them off. I then jumped up, grabbed the windowsill, and pulled myself up. It was a lot of effort again. The first time, I’d tried to attribute it to the fact that I’d spent the day sanding and painting, but this time I just had to admit my upper body strength left a lot to be desired.

  When I finally climbed in the open window, I had to catch my breath for a moment and sat on Kai’s desk. His sister flashed me a big smile. She looked a bit like her brother with her thick, dark hair and clear olive skin, but only a bit. “Do you guys do this often?” she asked. “It’s very Romeo and Juliet.”

  I shook my head. “I climbed in through that window once when we were painting the deck and couldn’t get to the back door, but aside from that I’ve never come over.”

  She sat on the desk chair and said, “Yeah, that part I noticed! I’ve been begging Kai to let us meet you for weeks. Why haven’t you come to dinner? Don’t you want to meet the family?”

  “I do, but Kai’s worried about introducing Izzy to people who aren’t going to be around long.”

  Malia leaned back and crossed her ankle over her knee as she studied me. She was wearing black yoga pants and a tank top under a black Ramones t-shirt. She’d cut the neck out of the tee, which I thought was cute and very eighties-retro. “Why won’t you be around long?”

  I looked down and realized I was wearing red pajamas with cartoon cats in tiaras all over them. Lord. I told her, “I want to be, but Kai might get tired of me.”

  “He might get tired of you? What about you getting tired of him?”

  “That’s impossible,” I admitted quietly. “I’m crazy about your brother. But he and I are supposed to be taking it slow, and that’s why he hasn’t introduced me to the family yet.”

  “He’s crazy about you too, so I don’t get it. You guys have been seeing each other for weeks! When was he going to let us meet you, after six months? A year? I mean, getting Izzy involved is one thing. I know he worries about people breaking her heart the way the asshole who gave birth to her did. But it makes no sense that you, me, and Kai haven’t met for coffee or something!”

  “I’m not sure what his reasoning is, but I wasn’t going to push.”

  “Maybe you should, though. My brother’s clueless when it comes to relationships. An occasional push might be just what he needs.”

  I asked, “Um, is Kai downstairs?”

  “No, he’s staying at the garage tonight because he wanted to work late on an engine overhaul. I came up here to borrow his rowing machine, since I couldn’t sleep and wanted to tire myself out.”

  “I messed up. I was talking to him half an hour ago and just assumed he was home.”

  She reached over to the dresser, picked up a phone, and fired off a quick text. “I just let him know you’re here.”

  “Thank you. Do you want me to wait outside for him?”

  “God no, I’m thrilled that I finally have a chance to talk to you! I’ve been looking for you whenever I take Izzy to her ‘intro to instruments’ class at the art center.”

  “That class is on Mondays and I volunteer on Thursdays. I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to meet when we were both there on Valentine’s Day.”

  Malia’s phone beeped, and she glanced at the screen and grinned. “Kai’s on his way home. He told me not to embarrass him. I wonder what he thinks I’m going to tell you.”

  I grinned, too. “If anyone knows his secrets, it’s you.”

  “Such as they are. His love life was nonexistent before he met you, he’s totally boring when he’s drunk so there are no good stories there, and his idea of a big night is futzing with the engine on that old Mustang. If I want to embarrass him, I have to go way back into the archives. For example, I could tell you about the summer when we were six and he wanted to be a superhero, so he wore a bath towel cape and his underwear on the outside of his pants for literally the entire month of August.”

  I laughed at that and said, “Please tell me there are pictures.”

  “Oh yeah, I made sure to hang on to those bad boys. I could also tell you about the five or six weeks when we were ten that he spoke with the worst British accent. He sounded like a cockney New Yorker with a lisp. It was truly awful.”

  I grinned at that and asked, “Why did he want to be British?”

  “Because he saw the first Harry Potter movie and became obsessed with it.”

  “That’s so cute! Did he like the books, too?”

  She looked surprised. “No, reading was almost impossible for him at that point with his learning disability.”

  “What learning disability?”

  Malia knit her brows. “Kai’s severely dyslexic. He didn’t tell you?” I shook my head. “That’s why it takes him so long to answer a text. Both reading and writing take a lot of concentration, and he usually still mixes up letters.”

  “He’s never texted me. He just calls. I thought it was because he’s kind of old-school.”

  She looked concerned. “Maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, although I have no idea why he’d keep it a secret.”

  “Neither do I. It’s not like I’d judge him for it.”

  “Yeah, you hardly seem the type. I mean, I know he’s self-conscious about it, because some people are assholes and assume he’s stupid when they see his writing, or when they see him struggling with reading. But Kai’s incredibly smart. His brain just processes written language differently than yours or mine.”

  “I actually think he’s a genius, literally, given what I’ve seen him do with his engines. It takes a brilliant mind to come up with the stuff he does.”

  His sister looked like she was trying not to get emotional, but her voice was a little rough when she said, “I always hoped Kai would find someone who could appreciate him for who he is. It sounds like you really do, and I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. You even managed to break through that shell of his! He’s so closed off with strangers that I used to worry he’d never find someone.”

  “Your brother is an amazing person. He probably told you that we had a lot of conflicts when we first met, and I’m so grateful we got past them.”

  Malia nodded. “He tells me pretty much everything. At least, I thought he did. It’s news to me that he kept his dyslexia from you, though.”

  “Why wouldn’t he trust me with something like that? He had to know I wouldn’t think any less of him,” I said.

  Malia sighed. “Now I get why he didn’t introduce us. I told you he was dyslexic within a few minutes of meeting you. It didn’t even occur to me that he’d keep it a secret. He used to be so embarrassed about it when we were kids, and he got teased mercilessly. I guess he’s still self-conscious about it, and that makes me sad.”

  “I got teased when I was a kid, too. He was so compassionate when I told him about it. I wish he would have let me return the favor.”

  I heard the throaty purr of the Impala’s big engine as it pulled into the driveway, and a moment after it cut out, a door downstairs opened and closed. “Damn, he hauled ass getting here,” Malia said. “He really didn’t want to leave us unsupervised for longer than he had to.”

  “I hope he’s not too mad at me for dropping by like this.” I slid off the desk, and when Kai appeared at the top of the wooden ladder a few seconds later, I said, �
�Hey.”

  As he climbed into the room, Malia said, “Don’t be mad at your honey. He was being all romantic and doing a Romeo and Juliet thing. He tossed pebbles at your window and climbed up on the roof of the porch, but then he found me instead of you. I was up here borrowing your rowing machine.”

  His expression was unreadable as he stared at me. “We’ve been quiet,” I said. “I don’t think anyone else knows I’m here.”

  As if to totally contradict me, Izzy’s little voice called, “Daddy?” from the second floor.

  Kai shot us a look and climbed back down the ladder, and I whispered, “Shit, I totally screwed up. I’d better go.”

  I started to climb out the window, and Malia jumped up and whispered, “Izzy heard his engine, that’s why she called to him. She’s really attuned to that sound.”

  “I bet I woke her, though. She wouldn’t have heard it if she was fast asleep. Please tell Kai I’m so sorry.”

  I dropped onto the porch roof as lightly as I could, and Malia stuck her head out the window and said in a loud whisper, “Don’t just run off. Wait and talk to my brother.”

  “That’s not a good idea. I messed up by coming here, and I’m going to go before I make it even worse. Take care, Malia. I’m glad I got to meet you, although I wish it had been on Kai’s terms.”

  I lowered myself to the lawn and ran to my car, cursing myself the whole way. Coming to his house had been an incredibly stupid idea. It could just as easily have been Izzy who’d discovered me, and I knew Kai didn’t want to introduce us yet. What had I been thinking?

  *****

  I was still angry with myself as I sat up in bed, cocooned in my blanket maybe an hour later. The moment I deviated from the plan, I’d messed everything up. Showing up unannounced in the middle of the night at someone’s house, especially someone with a family, was most definitely not playing it cool, or taking it slow. It threw a spotlight on my neediness, on that lonely part of me that was so desperate to be in a relationship.