Level Up Your Social Life: The Gamer's Guide To Social Success

by Daniel Wendler

  And if you’re not exercising at all, you’ll benefit from doing even half of what the CDC recommends. So try to start by doing just 15 minutes of walking five times a week, or going for a run just twice a week. Remember, the important thing is to pick something that you can stick with—so start slow and easy. If the very idea of exercise fills you with dread, start by walking for just ten minutes, three times a week. You can always build from there.

  You can also try to make exercise more fun. For instance, you might join a class at the gym, or download an app like “Zombies Run.” I personally like playing Hearthstone on my phone while using the cardio machines at the gym. I also love Dance Dance Revolution, because it’s fun and a great workout. You can also try being active by doing things that don’t feel like exercise, such as gardening. Experiment until you find something that works for you.

  The important thing is to start and keep going. If you make a habit of exercise, you’ll have more energy and a better mood, and that will pay big dividends when it comes time to be social. Plus, you might live longer, lose weight, and just generally be better off. The right exercise for you is the exercise you can stick with. So start exercising, and stick with it.

  Oh, and one more thing. While exercise is very important, there are plenty of other ways that you can take care of your “hardware.” Eating right, quitting smoking, sleeping 8 hours a night, getting regular checkups at the doctor—all of these things will help you out a lot. While the quest today will focus on exercise, here’s a quick checklist for the other stuff:

  Are you are getting 8 hours of sleep per night? If not, Google for “sleep hygiene” and read up on tips to help you sleep better. You should also try going to bed earlier.

  Are you eating breakfast? If not, stop skipping breakfast. You’ll gain more energy by taking ten minutes to eat breakfast than you would by getting ten more minutes of sleep.

  Do you have unhealthy habits you can’t seem to stop (smoking, eating lots of junk food, etc)? If so, book an appointment with your doctor or a therapist. They should be able to help.

  Quest 1.6 (Type: Monthly)

  Quest Objectives:

  Exercise at least one hour a week

  Keep it up for at least a month

  (Optional) Exercise 2-3 hours per week.

  Quest Description:

  If you haven’t exercised in a long time, you might just want to start with ten minutes of walking each day. If you feel like you’re in pretty good shape, give yourself more of a challenge. The most important thing is to pick something you can stick with, which means picking something you don’t hate. Start easy and get harder as you go along. (You can talk with your doctor or a trainer at the gym if you’re not sure where a good place is for you to start.)

  I recommend you do some research into the different types of exercise available. I used to hate exercise until I found out how to make it fun. Once I discovered sports like fencing or swing dancing, exercise became much more enjoyable for me. A friend of mine hated exercise until she discovered Couch to 5K and then she became really motivated to run. There are a ton of different ways to be active. Instead of starting with something you know you’ll hate, look at your options and try to see if there is something that interests you.

  Remember, your exercise doesn’t need to feel like exercise to count. Go walking in a park or take the stairs instead of an elevator—every bit of extra movement adds up.

  Your goal is consistency. If you stick with this for a month, you’ll probably stick with it long term. Don’t give up. So start small, start slow, but show up every time. Your hardware will stay healthy, you’ll have more energy and a better mood, and the social payoff will be huge.

  Quest Rewards:

  More energy

  Happier mood

  Better health

  Side Quests:

  Exercise with a friend! Ask someone if they would be interested in exercising with you. For instance, you might find someone who would be a good running partner, or someone who would be willing to take an exercise class with you.

  Improve your diet! I don’t recommend you try to dramatically overhaul your eating all at once (because you won’t stick with it). But see if there is a single change you can make that will have a big impact. For instance, I stopped buying chips at the grocery store. When I had the chips in my house, I would always eat them. But if the chips never made it home with me, then I never really missed them (and my body certainly didn’t miss the calories!). I also switched to diet soda and saved hundreds of calories each week. Start with simple changes like that, and build over time to improve your diet.

  Set yourself a fitness goal and work out a bit harder every week until you reach it. It’s best if your goal is something that you can achieve in a month or two of good effort—after all, you can always give yourself a new goal.

  Level Seven: It’s Dangerous To Go Alone

  In video games, the hero always seems to instantly adapt to the fact that their life has been turned upside down. Gordon Freeman is a nerdy scientist. Link is a dweeby kid. Mario fixes pipes for a living. None of them start their games as heroes or warriors.

  Yet fifteen minutes into the game, they’re killing enemies, dodging traps, and on a mission to save the world. And none of them seem fazed by this! It’s like they’ve flipped a switch and effortlessly engaged hero mode.

  Unfortunately, real life growth doesn’t work that way. Real life change is often painful and slow. And real life change is hard to do alone. There’s a reason why Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous are so popular—they’ve realized that if you try to change your life without any help, you’re more likely to fail.

  In other words, it really is dangerous to go alone.

  By this point in the guide, you might be feeling a little of the pain that comes from making a life change. Being more social doesn’t happen overnight—it requires unlearning old habits, building new skills, and being willing to challenge yourself. It might be tempting to think “I’ll put this on pause for now”—and then never come back to it!

  In other words, this is the point where you might benefit from a little support.

  That’s what today’s quest is about.

  Quest 1.7 (Type: Monthly)

  Quest Objectives:

  Find someone you feel comfortable talking to about your social goals.

  Make a commitment to connect with them at least once a week for at least a month.

  Quest Description:

  It’s up to you what your conversations with this person looks like. It could be as simple as you telling them how you are doing socially, and them giving you encouragement. Or you might have them help you plan social activities, or coach you on conversation skills. You could meet them in person, have a phone call, or even just share emails. Figure out what would be most helpful for you, and do that.

  You have two options to find this person.

  First, you can look for someone you already know—perhaps a trusted friend or family member. Make sure this is someone you can be honest with, someone who cares about you, and someone willing to help. You might even provide mutual support—for instance, maybe they can help encourage you socially, and you can encourage them with their fitness or academic goals.

  If someone is immediately coming to mind as you read this, then you should probably talk to that person. If nobody is coming to mind, or if you feel awkward talking about your social growth with someone that you know, then this might not be the best option for you.

  Your second option is to book a session with a professional therapist. Therapists are skilled at helping you achieve your goals, and they can also help you break through mental blocks or unconscious fears that hold you back from social connection. Especially if you are struggling emotionally (for instance, with depression or anxiety) a therapist is a great option.

  While therapists do usually cost money to see, your health insurance might make therapy more affordable, and many therapists also offer “sliding scal
e” discounts for people struggling financially. Also, if you are a college student, most colleges offer free or low-cost counseling to students. So don’t assume that money will be an obstacle.

  Not sure how to find a therapist? A good place to start is usually by googling for “therapist in [my city]”. You can also google for a therapist that focuses on your specific issue or group, for instance “anxiety therapist” or “therapist for teenagers.” Look at a few of the websites that come up, and contact the therapist who seems like the best fit for you. Many therapists will offer a free phone consultation, so you can chat with them on the phone and see if you like them before you commit to a full session.

  Whoever you pick, stick with it for at least a month. If you try someone and it doesn’t work out, try someone else. I know it feels awkward to ask someone else for help—but trust me! Having someone in your corner makes it much more likely that you’ll succeed.

  Quest Rewards:

  Advice and encouragement

  Greater chance of social success

  Luke Skywalker had a mentor (Obi-Wan) so you will basically be like Luke which is super cool.

  Side Quests

  Look for online support. A good place to start is Reddit.com/r/socialskills. /r/socialskills is an online community of 100,000 people that I moderate, and an excellent place to get advice and help as you become more social. You can also try 7 Cups of Tea (7Cups.com) which is a website where you can give and receive supportive listening.

  Look for an in-person group that will be supportive of you. Meetup.com sometimes has “introvert” or “social anxiety” meetups. While they might not fit your situation exactly, the people in those groups would probably support your desire to become more social.

  Try being your own support. Go to FutureMe.Org and write yourself some encouraging letters. You might want to set it up so that one arrives every week, or every month.

  Stage Two: Multiplayer

  Multiplayer Level One: Pong

  When you ask people what the first video game was, most people will tell you “Pong!”

  Most people are wrong.

  Pong was actually pretty late to the party. In 1952, a computer version of Tic Tac Toe (called OXO) was developed, and Spacewar, the first shooter game, was developed in 1962. It wasn’t until 1972—two decades after OXO—that Pong was released.

  However, Pong is the game that is remembered. No doubt, this is mainly because of Pong’s popularity. Pong was so successful that many people would visit their local bar just to play Pong, which is pretty impressive considering that Pong is just two lines and a glowing dot.

  My introduction to Pong came decades later—not at a bar in the 70s, but on my TI-83 calculator in the 90s. See, the TI-83 calculator could run games, but only very basic ones. So old classics like Pong had a rebirth on my calculator, and I spent hours pinging that ball back and forth.

  Around the time I discovered calculator Pong, I also started working on my social skills. And I noticed a lot of similarities between the skills required for Pong and the skills required for good conversation.

  See, in a game of Pong, each player controls a paddle that travels up and down the screen. Players use their paddles to hit a ball back and forth, and score points when the other player fails to hit the ball.

  Conversation resembles Pong in many ways, but with one crucial difference. In Pong, one person hits the ball, then the other person hits the ball, then it goes back to the first person who hits it again. In conversation, first one person speaks, and then the other person speaks, and then the first person speaks again. Instead of a ball, the conversation is the thing that moves back and forth between the two “players.” So for instance,

  You:

  “Hey, good to see you! How was your weekend?”

  It is now the other person’s turn to speak, so you’ve sent the “ball” to them.

  Them:

  “Oh, nothing much, I mainly slept in and did some chores. Did you do anything fun?”

  They’ve answered your question and asked you a question, so now it’s your turn to speak—the ball is back on your side of the screen.

  But here’s the crucial difference. In Pong, you lose when you miss the ball, and you win when your opponent misses. But in conversation, you win when both of you hit the ball, and you lose if either of you miss.

  Essentially, conversation is like a Pong game where the goal is to keep the volley going as long as possible. In order to “win” a conversation, you want to respond to what the other person says (returning the ball), and you want to make sure your response makes it easy for them to respond (aiming at their paddle so they can return the ball.)

  Responding to what the other person said is pretty straightforward. If they ask a question, you want to answer it. If they make a statement, you want to acknowledge it in some way.

  Making it easy for them to respond is a little more complicated but still pretty easy. Essentially, it means that you need to add something new to the discussion, and build on what they said. So perhaps you share an anecdote that relates to what they said, or you ask them a question, or you give them a few more details than they asked for.

  Let’s give an example.

  Let’s say someone says, “I hate this weather! It’s so hot I can barely breathe.” By saying this to you, they’re trying to make a connection happen. To use the Pong metaphor, they’re sending a ball your way. How do you respond?

  A bad option would be if you ignore them. In that case, the ball sailed right past your paddle—not good.

  A better option would be if you said “Yes, it’s really hot!” In this case, you gave a response, so it’s better than ignoring them. But you didn’t make it easy for them to respond. They will probably struggle to think of something to say next, and the conversation will die out.

  The best option would be if you said “Yes, it’s really hot. I would love some ice cream!” Ok, this response won’t win you any awards for eloquence. But it keeps the conversation going. You responded to them, and you offered up a new idea (“ice cream!”) Now the other person can respond by talking about ice cream, or describing their favorite ways to keep cool.

  Ok, I know I threw a lot at you. But it will make more sense as you practice it. And this is crucially important, because you can use this technique in almost all of your conversations. So to recap:

  When it’s your turn to talk in a conversation, make sure that you respond to what the other person said (hitting the ball), and add some new information or ask an interesting question so it’s easy for them to respond to you (aiming the ball at their paddle so they can return it easily.) That 1-2 formula for talking in a conversation is a surefire way to make your conversations flow more smoothly. And who knows? Maybe it will give you a new appreciation for Pong, too.

  Oh, and one final note: Once you master this technique, you can also use it to gauge whether or not other people are interested in talking with you. If the other person is “playing Pong” by responding to your comments and adding new information, you can be pretty confident that they want to talk to you. But if the other person keeps missing the balls you’re sending their way, probably they just want to be left alone and you should find someone else to talk to.

  Quest 2.1 (Type: Collection)

  Quest Objectives:

  Play “Conversational Pong” for ten conversations. Instructions:

  In each conversation, do your best to respond to what the other person said (hitting the ball)

  Also, do your best to add new information or ask a good question in every response (aiming the ball at the paddle).

  (Optional) Keep track of how long you can keep a conversational volley going. Try to beat your high score!

  Quest Description:

  The easiest way to practice conversational pong is in chat rooms. Real-world conversation requires fast responses and online chat gives you more opportunity to think through what you’re going to say (which is great for practice.) Of course, if you pr
efer to practice in your real-life conversations, that’s fine too.

  If you need a chat room to practice in, I recommend you head to the /r/socialskills IRC chatroom (located at https://kiwiirc.com/client/irc.snoonet.org/socialskills/). Ask if anyone would like to do conversation practice with you. Spend at least ten minutes chatting, and practice your “conversational pong” skills. At the end of the conversation, ask your partner for honest feedback.

  Warning: Don’t force someone to stay in a conversation forever. If the other person doesn’t seem interested in continuing the conversation, it’s okay to stop playing conversational pong with them and let the conversation die. It’s better to have a short conversation that feels great than a lengthy conversation that drags on far too long.

  Quest Rewards:

  Smooth, flowing conversations

  More confidence in conversation