Level Up Your Social Life: The Gamer's Guide To Social Success

by Daniel Wendler

  When this happens, the experience is amazing. See, you’re not just playing a game anymore. You’re part of a team. It’s immersive, exhilarating, and the stuff that legendary gaming memories are made of.

  And it’s all built on needing your teammates, and knowing that they need you.

  Great friendships are built on the same thing. Another way to say “a great group of friends” is to say “A group of people who know they need each other.”

  Take me, for instance. I don’t need my friends every day. Most of the time, my friendships revolve around having fun together. But when the chips are down, when I’m at the end of my rope—I know I don’t have to do it alone. I know my friends are there to help. And my friends know I’ll be there for them when they need me.

  This might sound weird, because many people think it’s weak to need other people. And sure, you don’t need people in the sense that you’ll wither up and die without good friends. But if you want to live life to the fullest, you need good friends.

  You need friends who can remind you of your values and their goals, and encourage you not to compromise on the things they believe in. You need friends who can help cheer you up when you’re in a bad mood, or comfort you when life is hard. You need friends who can broaden your horizons, and show your new amazing things about life.

  It’s not weak to need these things. It’s human.

  And you don’t just need these things. You deserve them. That’s part of being human, too.

  And here’s the thing—other people need this too. And you can give it. You can be the person who believes in someone until they achieve their dreams. You can be the person who makes someone smile for the first time in a week. You can be the person who gives someone else their first taste of true friendship.

  This is my point. It’s fantastic to spend time with your friends hanging out and having fun. But if you don’t learn to lean on each other, you’re missing out on the full power of friendship.

  I know that phrases like “the full power of friendship” make me sound like a starry-eyed Brony, but trust me—once you’ve experienced what I’m talking about, you’ll understand why I’m so passionate. Giving you that experience is what this quest is all about.

  Quest 3.5 (Type: Collection)

  Quest Objectives:

  Practice needing someone, twice.

  Quest Description

  The easiest way to do this is to find someone who is good at a skill that you are bad at. Then, ask that person to teach you how to do that skill.

  For instance, if you’re terrible in the kitchen, ask your friend who loves cooking to help you make a great dinner. If you’re afraid of the weight room, ask your athlete friend to show you how to bench press. If you’ve never picked up a guitar before, ask your musician friend to help you play a few notes.

  Of course, you’re not going to become an expert in any of these skills in one lesson. But that’s not the point. The point is that you will experience being dependent on your friend. You will be fumbling, you will be needy—and you will be okay. You’ll get to overcome the discomfort of relying on someone else, and you’ll also get to experience the thrill of achieving something you couldn’t do on your own.

  Then the next time you really need to rely on a friend, you’ll remember that it’s okay to need people, and you’ll be more likely to reach out. That’s a great reward.

  Quest Rewards:

  Make a meaningful memory with a friend

  Learn a new skill

  Become more comfortable with relying on others.

  Side Quests:

  Ask a friend for advice on a problem that you are having.

  If you have a friend who is struggling in some area, ask them if there is anything you can do to help.

  Get three other friends together and play a 4-player game of Left 4 Dead!

  Looking For Group Level Six: The Sims

  I used to have a love-hate relationship with The Sims.

  I would love starting a new game of The Sims. I’d spend a long time designing my avatar to look like me, then I’d plop him into a new house and start navigating the tricky financial decisions of a new Sim (protip: save money on a dishwasher by hiding your dirty dishes in the front yard!)

  The next few hours would pass in a happy blur as I started a career, made a few friends, and settled into a routine. But pretty soon, I found myself bored and frustrated.

  See, once I’d passed the early stages of the game and found a good career, my game would quickly devolve into a tedious three-step process:

  Wake up, go to work.

  Come home, build my Sim’s happiness up to the bare minimum needed to perform well at work, and grind skills until nighttime.

  Go to bed and repeat step 1.

  While this was profitable for my Sim, it wasn’t very much fun for me. So inevitably, I would end up quitting in frustration (only to return a few months later when The Sims itch struck again.)

  This lasted until I had an epiphany: I had been trying to win The Sims. And The Sims isn’t made to be won. It was made to be enjoyed.

  When I realized this, The Sims became much more fun. I stopped trying to climb the career ladder or do everything “right.” Instead, I became playful and creative.

  I tried lots of fun experiments. Could a family of teenagers living with no adults survive on pizza and part time jobs? How many people could my Sim fall in love with? What if my Sim has AS MANY BABIES AS POSSIBLE?

  The result? I started having fun with The Sims again. Instead of trying to climb the corporate ladder, I was letting my imagination run free. Instead of worrying about optimizing my Sim’s performance, I let myself write a story with them. Instead of trying to rack up the Simoleans, I made AS MANY BABIES AS POSSIBLE.

  I had a similar epiphany with my friendships.

  See, for a long time I was a social outcast. And even after I started to make friends, I still felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I was an imposter, and feared that my friends would reject me if they knew how awkward I really was. I was worried that if I made any social mistake at all, that my friends would turn their backs on me. I would be alone again.

  So I treated my friendships like a competitive game that I had to win. Instead of focusing on having fun together, I focused on avoiding social mistakes. Instead of showing my real self to my friends, I gave a sugarcoated version of myself that hid my flaws.

  Needless to say, this was exhausting. And eventually, I learned it was unnecessary. I learned that my friends didn’t mind if I made a social mistake. I learned that my friends weren’t afraid of my flaws, and I saw how much they appreciated me just being myself. I stopped treating my friendships as something that I needed to win, and I started treating them as something to enjoy.

  And not only has that reduced my stress considerably, but it’s also made me a better friend. After all, would you rather spend your time with someone who trusts you enough to be real with you, or would you rather be with someone who was afraid of your judgement? I think most people would prefer to be with someone who trusts them.

  Of course, trust is earned. There’s a time and a place for you to be your real self, and there’s a time and a place for you to be more filtered. It’s probably a good idea to work on making a good impression during a job interview or a first date.

  But with your good friends, you can stop worrying about winning. They already like you. You don’t need to impress them, and you don’t to be flawless. Just be you. Focus on enjoying the friendship, allow your real self to show—and then sit back and see what happens.

  Quest 3.6 (Type: Collection)

  Quest Objectives:

  Take a few minutes and write down an answer to these questions:

  If I was completely focused on impressing my friends and ‘winning’ our interactions, how would I behave?

  If I was completely focused on enjoying my time with my friends and being my real self, how would I behave?

  After you write down your an
swers, ask yourself which one sounds more like the way you normally behave.

  Quest Description:

  This quest is all about introspection, so do it in whatever way feels best to you. You might just write down some bullet points for each answer, or you could write a paragraph if that feels more natural.

  Once you finish with your answers, take time to reflect. Do you act more like you’re trying to impress your friends and avoid social mistakes, or more like you’re trying to enjoy your friendships and be yourself?

  Then, ask yourself why. And ask yourself if there’s anything you need to do to change that.

  Quest Rewards:

  Better insight into your relationships

  Opportunity to make needed changes.

  The chance to live a life that’s more in line with your goals.

  Side Quests:

  If you find that you are normally focused on “winning” interactions, spend a day trying to enjoy your interactions. See what happens.

  If you own a copy of The Sims, spend an evening playing creatively, without worrying about winning or achieving objectives.

  Read “Alice and Kev” (aliceandkev.wordpress.com). It’s a phenomenal example of the kind of storytelling that’s possible when you’re not trying to win The Sims.

  Looking For Group Level Seven: Modding

  During its heyday, the original StarCraft was flooded with an amazing variety of custom user created maps. While some maps were designed to be used in a typical StarCraft match, many of the custom maps pushed the limits of StarCraft’s scripting engine to provide gameplay that was completely new. There were RPGs where your character leveled over time, tower defense games where you fended off hordes of enemies, even maps that let you play chess and soccer within StarCraft.

  I would play these custom maps endlessly as a kid. And one day, I decided to make my own.

  I had no scripting or mapmaking experience, and I was about twelve at the time. So the deck was stacked against me. But that didn’t hold me back. I poured hours into StarCraft’s mapmaker, and eventually emerged with my masterpiece: StarCraft Rock Paper Scissors (StarCraft RPS for short.)

  Okay, so maybe “masterpiece” is too strong of a word. But it was a darn good map, and I’m still proud of what I was able to accomplish.

  I set up the map so that players would move their initial unit to one of three beacons, choosing rock, paper or scissors. Depending on their choice, they would then warp in a battle cruiser, a goliath, or a firebat (For those of you who haven’t played StarCraft: a battle cruiser is a spaceship, a goliath is a guy in a robot suit, and a firebat is a guy with a flamethrower.)

  I set up the units’ weapons so the battle cruiser killed the firebat, the firebat killed the goliath, and the goliath killed the battle cruiser. The outcome was always inevitable, but the losing player could add some excitement by running around and trying to dodge the winning player. It was a pretty clever design, if I do say so myself.

  Now, nobody is still playing StarCraft RPS today, nor did Blizzard ever offer me a job. But that map still sticks out in my memory, because StarCraft RPS was my first opportunity to really give back to the gaming community. I had been enjoying games that other people had made since I first got my hands on a controller. But now I could finally give someone else the enjoyment that games had given me.

  It was thrilling to play a game of StarCraft RPS with someone, and have them come back for a rematch. They had an entire ocean of custom games to play, and were choosing to play mine—again and again. That experience of giving back is one of my fondest StarCraft memories.

  Since you’ve made it this far in the book, you know the social application is just around the corner. And this time, I’m going to give you a challenge.

  If you’re like most of my readers, your goal in reading this book was to become more socially confident, and develop a great group of friends. And that is a fantastic goal, and I hope you achieve it.

  But I also hope you don’t stop there.

  See, there’s lots of people in the world still looking for that group of friends. There’s lots of people who don’t have many friends, who worry they don’t fit in, who would absolutely love it if you invited them to hang out sometime.

  So invite them to hang out.

  It’s pretty easy—just keep your eyes open for folks that look like they need a friend. And then be a friend to them.

  Ask if they’d like to grab lunch or see a movie sometime. Invite them along next time you plan a group event. Strike up a conversation next time you see them. Of course, sometimes they’ll turn you down. Maybe they prefer solitude, or maybe you just don’t click together. But if you keep being friendly towards folks who need a friend, you’ll find others who accept your invitations with enthusiasm.

  This shouldn’t be a charity project. Most of the time folks who don’t have many friends are actually pretty awesome—they just need someone to give them the chance. So if you reach out, you’ll be rewarded.

  Some of my best gaming memories came from sharing StarCraft RPS with others. I hope you’ll find that some of your best friends come from the people you reached out to.

  Quest 3.7 (Type: Collection)

  Quest Objectives:

  Deliberately reach out to ten people

  Quest Description:

  Yes, that’s a lot. But this is the last quest of the book, so I think you’re up to the challenge.

  When you think about folks who might appreciate a new friend, are there any specific people who come to mind? If so, your quest is pretty simple – just invite those people to spend time with you. Start with one, and build from there.

  If nobody comes to mind, then your quest has two parts.

  Keep your eyes open. Try to look for people standing by themselves during social gatherings, or folks who never seem to have any plans for the weekend. You might also keep your eyes peeled for people who look sad or anxious. Or just look for the folks who mention that they’re interested in hanging out and making new friends!

  Reach out. Strike up a conversation and try to establish some common interests. If there’s a connection, consider inviting them to hang out sometime.

  Technically, once you’ve reached out to ten people, this quest is complete. But out of all of the quests in the book, I think this is the best one to never stop doing.

  Make this a lifelong quest. Keep your eyes permanently peeled for folks who are in need of friends, and do your best to be a good friend to them.

  If you do, you will make a huge difference in the world—and you will be rewarded with an amazing group of friends.

  Quest Rewards:

  Make a big impact in the lives of others

  Create meaningful friendships

  Build connections wherever you go.

  Side Quests:

  Has anyone ever reached out to you? Maybe someone befriended you when you felt lonely, or gave you a listening ear when you needed support. If so, send them a thank-you email or phone call.

  After you’ve reached out to a few different people, plan some kind of event and invite all of them. Spark some friendships between your new friends!

  Write down a description of the kind of friend you want. Then be that friend to other people.

  Appendix 1: Cheat Codes

  At the back of any good strategy guide are the cheat codes.

  These “cheat codes” are quick social skills tips that are easy to learn and easy to apply. They’re not cheats in the sense of being sneaky or underhanded—everything here is ethical. But just like a cheat code is easy to use but has a big impact on your game, these social cheat codes are easy to learn and have the potential to really help you out.

  Eye Contact

  It’s important to give the right amount of eye contact. Too much, and people think you’re staring at them—which is creepy and weird. Too little, and you come across as dishonest and shy.

  But how much is the right amount? And how do you keep track of your eye contact wh
en you are already focusing on all of the other parts of the conversation?

  There’s two rules of thumb that I find work pretty well. Try both and see which one works better for you.

  The first rule of thumb is to look at them when one of you is talking, and look away when you are thinking. This is what I normally do, and it usually creates the right balance of looking towards and looking away. I also find it helpful to break eye contact when I’m thinking, since it helps me concentrate.

  If that doesn’t work for you, a second rule of thumb is to give the other person about the same amount of eye contact they give you. That means you should look at them when they look at you, and look away when they look away.

  Of course, if you look away at the exact instant the other person looks away, they’ll probably notice you are copying them. So I recommend you follow the other person but with a delay. If they look at you, wait a moment or two and then look at them. If they look away, keep looking at them for a few seconds and then let your gaze drift away.

  No matter which rule of thumb you pick, remember that you don’t need a precise amount of eye contact—you just need to be in the right ballpark. So don’t worry about following these rules perfectly. If you make a reasonable effort, you should be in the right ballpark.