by Tiana Laveen
“I think that’s a simplistic way of looking at it.”
“And who is this author of confusion?”
Their eyes locked.
“I think we sometimes make things harder than they have to be. Understand that God created trigonometry too, and that’s confusing as all get out. Just because I don’t understand it don’t make it wrong though. Just means I’m not going to be a mathematician anytime soon.”
“Alright, you’ve made a good point. I like the hell outta you, girl.” He set his cigarette in an ashtray and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “I’m so glad you stayed the night.”
“So am I.”
They lingered in bed, stealing a few more minutes… touching one another. He massaged her hand and she felt self-conscious when he looked at her knuckles. They were worn, hard and tired… years of packages rubbing against her skin, the heavy loads of both body and mind, toughening the flesh over time. He lifted her hand to his lips.
“It must be painful bein’ so pretty.” She said as she smiled at him, the words spilling out of her mouth as her pussy pulsed in response to his presence, the heat of his body, his smell…
“It must crush you to death to not see what I see. I’m afraid to go outside… you’re afraid to go inside…” She swallowed a lump in her throat. “Neither of us is safe. Can’t stay in the middle. Being in the middle means you’re stuck. We gotta move forward.”
“No such thing as straddling the fence.”
“That’s right.” He intertwined their fingers and raised them real high above their heads like ebony and ivory birds wings flapping in the wind. “There’s no fence, just a flood on one side and a lake of fire on the other. Blood is everywhere… blood on their hands… blood on my body, in my hair, mixed with the grass, grit, regret, dirt and the taste of copper along my tongue. I’m cut up on the inside. I stand close to the flow of my blood. It’s all coming together on the inside. I moved away to be baptized, but I wasn’t ready. Then you made sure I got caught in that rain. But I can never get away. I can never get clean.”
Though his voice never rose, the chill in the room grew, as if all the windows were suddenly open and Old Man Winter stormed down from the Northern sphere of the country to blow his frosty wrath in their faces. He clung to her so tight, her lungs worked overtime to keep from collapsing. Heavy, long limbs surrounded her and squeezed. Head down, dark waves of hair shrouding the beautiful face with broken spheres of glass for eyes… She could no longer see her reflection in them; they were hidden behind his curtain of tresses while he was tucked away, on the inside, and his heart of broken messes was scattered about like shiny raindrops.
Time marched on like a band with no music.
“I wanna stay with you forever, but I gotta get home, get cleaned up and ready for work.”
He nodded in understanding. They both moved slow as snails, leaving the comfort and safety of the big, warm bed and their all-encompassing embrace. Twenty minutes later, after freshening up in his bathroom and putting her clothes back on, she met him in the kitchen and accepted a piping hot cup of coffee he’d made in the meantime. Boy, did it smell good.
Soon, they were about to say their goodbyes by the front door when his phone rang. Motioning for her to wait, he dashed over to his cellphone. His scent was everywhere, intoxicating like a fine perfume.
“Hello? … Yes, I’m him … Okay, hi … Yes, I did … Oh, really?” He looked at a big clock on the living room wall. “Uh… yeah, sure. Why not?” He gave a nervous chuckle. “Okay… hmmm… yeah, same insurance…I see… uh huh, Kane… K.A.N.E. Westbrook, W.E.S.T.B.R.O.O.K. My email address is [email protected]. Yes… that’s correct… mailing address is exactly as you just said but I can fill it out online…Mmm hmm… all right now, sounds good and thanks again.” He disconnected the call and made his way back over to her.
“Everything okay?”
“That was one of the therapists I called yesterday. Well, not the actual therapist but her receptionist.”
She took a sip of coffee from the cup she still carried with her. His worries seemed to tumble down like a child’s blocks. The mounting anxiety, the fear, the sharp pain was palpable, oozing all over the place from the old, rusty cans of emotional soup that simmered inside him. Those cans had been re-opened and exposed to the light of the heart’s rays. She placed her hand on his shoulder.
“Well, what did she say?”
“She says that…” He slid his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels, chewing his lower lip. “She can get me in as early as this Thursday. She had a cancellation.” He swept his big hand through his hair. “I accepted the time slot.”
She leaned in and gave him a big, congratulatory kiss.
“I’m so proud of you, Kane.”
“Hey, uh, do you think… you can come by Thursday and just… uh, be here when I talk to her? She’s supposed to call at six-thirty at night.”
“I think I can manage that. Are you sure she’d want me there though? Maybe it would—”
“It would just make me feel more comfortable is all. Please.” She nodded in understanding. “We’re doing FaceTime.”
“All right, well, count on me to be here. If for some reason she wants to just talk to you, I can wait in another room until it’s all finished.”
He tossed her a half grin and opened the front door. She handed him the empty coffee cup.
“That sounds good. Thank you.” He placed the cup on a small table by the door.
“You’re welcome. I’ll talk to you later on today, but see you hopefully later in the week.” She stepped outside, feeling naked. He was supposed to be there with her, too.
One day, he will…
She spun around to give him a kiss and nearly stumbled when he moved far quicker than she could and wrapped his arms around her like a blanket. They kissed each other so passionately, it had to be rated R. The flavor of rich coffee in his mouth merged with hers. She finally walked away, waving at him. Standing in bare feet, he wore a friendly smile and a desolate blue gaze. When she got inside her truck, he waved one last time and slowly closed the door. Jessica lingered there a moment or two, gathering her thoughts, knitting them together to make something to wrap herself in. She struggled, desperately trying to make sense of her night, the beauty and oddity of it… The talks, the laughs, the serious discussions, the impassioned lovemaking. Her jumbled mind was in a whirlwind, the whole damn thing a puzzle that needed solved.
But that was a waste of time.
There was nothing further to lament over or sort out. This was the new reality. She was falling hard for a man that was like no other she’d ever dated, had or experienced. He was pure yet contaminated, a lovely mess.
We’ll take this journey together, Kane. Don’t worry, you’ll never be alone.
“This crazy ass bastard was using Crisco.” Alicia grabbed the salt shaker and gave it a hearty jiggle over her fries. Jessica placed her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. She’d agreed to meet up with Alicia for lunch during her break at the local Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers restaurant. The place was chock full of people. “I told him, ‘somethin’ smell like fried donuts… is somebody cookin’?”
Jessica finally lost her composure. Such sweet relief to let loose. Her body seized and her stomach ached.
“He wasn’t using Crisco as a lube! You’re making this up, Alicia!” Jessica spoke into a napkin and looked about, ensuring no one overheard her.
“Yes. He. Did! Then he came telling me that the other times we tried anal sex I screamed and hollered so much, he thought this would help more. Now my ass got a sign on it that says, ‘Slip and Slide’ and ‘Five dollar fish dinners on Fridays.’ Neva again, ya son of a bitch. Got me out here smellin’ like Kentucky Fried Chicken! I told him, ‘Do I look like some strips of bacon to you, mothafucka?!’ Dippin’ his hands in a damn tub of lard. Got me all the way fucked up.”
Jessica beat on the table as she filled to the rim with mirth. She grabb
ed the straw to her diet cola and took a much-needed swallow while Alicia played with her fries. She could feel the woman’s eyes on her, her steady glare, picking her movements apart.
“You ordered a coleslaw and chicken fingers and told them to hold the fries. You’ve picked all the batter off the damn chicken! Girl, you either depressed or got you a man. Spill it!”
Jessica sighed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She could barely get the words out with a straight face.
“Stop playing with me. The only reasons we don’t eat is if we’ve gotten bitten by the love bug and it’s all fresh and new, or we’ve got some bad stuff on our mind. You’re far too happy today so it has to be the first option. Don’t make me beat it out of you.”
“Fine, I’ll come clean. I’m seeing somebody.”
“I knew it!” Alicia said with a big, pretty smile. “Melissa said you hadn’t been home as much, but she likes that because now she can bring that man up in there that you don’t like.” Jessica grimaced as their mutual friend let the cat out of the damn bag. “Oh, shit… I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”
“Her ex-husband has one more time to come bangin’ on my door at three in the morning. She had a restraining order on him, but then turned around and spoke to him on the phone the other night for over an hour. If they get back together, she better not ask me for shit else… after all he put her through.” She huffed then went to town on her diet cola.
“I don’t give a shit about all that silliness Melissa is doing, Jess. If she wanna ruin her life and not listen to sound advice that we’ve all given her then I realize I just have to wash my hands of this. Melissa is smart, she’ll figure it out, but don’t drive yourself crazy trying to be her safety net.” Jessica reluctantly agreed. “What about you?! What’s his name, chile? What is he workin’ with and is the bastard treating my girl right?! He gotta be. You’re glowing!”
“Girl, his name is Kane, he’s an amazing person and we’re having such a nice time together. I don’t know where this’ll go, but I’m enjoying the ride.”
“I love that. You are so deserving, Jess.” Alicia cocked her head to the side and batted her big, pretty eyes. “So how long y’all been seeing each other? Where’d you meet?” Jessica scooped up a spoonful of coleslaw and ate. The peppery seasonings tickled her throat. Reaching for another sip of the watered-down cola, she swallowed, buying time. She clasped her hands on the table and began the sordid tale, from top to bottom. When she was finished, Alicia’s lips were pursed like a disgruntled Donald Duck.
“He is like an online order for a new Rubik’s Cube that arrived already scrambled. I’m watching this mothafucka.”
“What do you mean?”
“We only deal with pre-assembled mothafuckas ’round here. This ain’t no Build a Bear Convention.” Jessica shook her head. “We are all too old for this shit. Why can’t we have it all? Oh, he’s cute, but has a little dick. He’s nice, but he live wit’ his mama. Or, he’s paid, but his breath smell like he been eating chunks of shit all day… Always some damn catch! You ain’t gonna be dating no sick and shut in, ya hear me? This ain’t the church of the disabled and invalid prayer line. At this rate, you may as well have got with that lunatic down there on the corner wearing the spacesuit talking about the White Devils. His number is 1-800-Run-it’s a-Hotep.” Jessica burst out laughing again. She tried not to, but couldn’t win.
“Are you sure that wasn’t my cousin Anthony you’re talking about? Fits him to a ‘T’.”
“I don’t know, but this guy you’re talking about had better call Tyrone and get his ass together. I’m livin’ in a box! I’m a livin’ in a cardboard box!”
“Oh my God, I forgot all about that song. You ain’t got any sense, Alicia!”
Alicia had a way of making things sound far funnier than they ever could be.
“Other than that, he sounds like he’s worth getting to know.” They both burst out laughing then. “He likes you a hell of a lot, don’t he?” the woman whispered, getting serious.
“It seems so.”
“And he White, too, huh? Have you ever dated a White man before?” She raised an eyebrow.
“No. This’ll be my first. Funny though, I honestly don’t think about him being White most of the time. Have you ever dated a White man?”
“Yes, I’ve dated a few. A couple of them actually had potential. Neither relationships went anywhere though.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well…” The woman hesitated, as if she had to figure out what she even wanted to say. “One of ’em, Gary, was nice looking and really sweet. But he had an ex-wife who was making his life hard regarding visitation with his children. It became too much drama for me.” Jessica nodded in understanding. “He was caught between a rock and a hard spot. The second one, Teddy… his real name was Theodore but that’s what everyone called him… he was handsome in his own way, rugged, hella romantic, smart, goooood in bed. Baby, I’m talking lip smackin’ good!” She chuckled lightly. “But his, uh, his family…” Her smile faded once again as she looked down at her fries then shoved them away. “Well, they didn’t take too kindly to him dating a Black woman.” She forced a new smile. “Found out after we’d broken up about it that he’d planned to ask me to marry him… had bought the ring and everything. I really liked him, Jess… I liked him a whole lot.”
Pain was laced all over the woman’s face. A kind of pain that was still sore, red, pulsing, just like the thick scar on Kane’s thigh.
“You never told me about this, Alicia. I’ve known you all this time.”
“I know.” Alicia sighed. “It was a long time ago. Can’t do much about it now. Anyway, back to you. You let me know all that happens because I’m going to ask.”
“I know you will!”
Jessica chuckled, but barely. Alicia’s pain was still filling their space. Worse yet, her story clung to the walls within her heart like glue. The sticky details dangled there, begging to be examined, reviewed and believed. With the way Kane made his family seem, now she had a new issue to contend with. Would they even deem her as worthy?
She hugged herself as Alicia started speaking of a new fellow teacher at her school, rambling on about the woman already starting trouble. Jessica nodded and smiled at just the right moments, but the warning alarm blared in her ears, stealing her peace of mind. Kane didn’t seem to give a damn about anything his family said, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still love them, or want them to one day mend the broken fence.
Ain’t no fence… Just like they’d said in bed, there was a big flood on one side, and a raging river of fire on the other. That was it.
And there wasn’t no way she could just stand in the middle…
She had a few options: Swim or drown, burn or fly.
But how could she do any of these with her limbless spirit and clipped wings?
No sense in worrying about it until I cross that bridge.
I just hope it isn’t over troubled waters…
CHAPTER TWELVE
Asking For a Friend
Thursday evening…
He’d changed clothing twice. Not because he didn’t like the outfit, but his first shirt had been soaked through with sweat until it clung to his skin. His eyes were now glued to the phone he clutched it in the palm of his hand and it seemed every sound, tinkling, any hint of a noise tested his resolve.
Kane closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. A feeling of cool relief rushed over him when the familiar sound of a truck pulling up out front shoved his fretfulness to the side. It wasn’t long before he heard the truck door close. He wasted no time opening the front door of his home to let his baby inside. She walked up in a burgundy turtle neck and jeans, carrying a six-pack of beer in one hand and a plastic white bag in the other.
“Hi!” Her voice was bubbly and full of cheer. How could he feel anything other than happiness at the sound of it? Big, beautiful cheekbones lifted as her smile filled his heart and her energ
y engulfed the room. Closing and locking the door behind her, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a greatly desired embrace.
“Hey, baby,” he said breathlessly against her neck. His body tingled from her touch, her heat, her presence. The hair against her nape blew as he spoke, then breathed. Inhale. Exhale. “I missed you.” Today she had pulled her tresses back in a low ponytail with a sparkly red scrunchie. He caught a whiff of her perfume –sweet, comforting and earthy, like lavender and white musk.
“I missed you, too.” When she pulled away and looked into his eyes, he could see she was concerned. It became about him. He hated that. Was it that obvious that he was hanging on by a thread? Of course it was. “You’re a nervous wreck, Kane.” Before he could decide how to even address what she said, she walked into the kitchen and he followed behind her. “We’ve got a few minutes to spare unless the therapist calls early.” The woman placed the beer in the refrigerator then removed two take-out salad containers and bowls of soup.
“You didn’t have to do all of this, Jessica.” He sat down beside her at the kitchen table, crossing his arms. “You’re too good to me.” He reached for his cigarette he’d had already lit and left resting in an ashtray on the table.
“I knew you hadn’t eaten anything, Kane. I didn’t even bother askin’. I can tell the stove is cold as an ice cube and that microwave probably hasn’t been turned on all day.” She prepared the table, popping lids off their food, unwrapping plastic utensils and setting things up just so. “This here is chicken noodle soup. Those are Caesar salads with grilled steak in yours, and grilled chicken and shrimp in mine.”
