I shake my head as I take a small drink of water. The water feels good on my sore throat and the washcloth helps my body cool. As my body finally begins to settle down, reality creeps back up on me. I haven’t had that nightmare in years; in fact, I haven’t even thought about that night in forever. I try to piece together what might have happened last night that triggered the nightmare for me. Something must have triggered it, why else would it suddenly appear after all these years? I can’t think of anything that happened at the club that would have caused it, except maybe the guy who tried to come on to Cara? But things seemed fine after that. I remember dancing with Nicholas afterwards…
“Are you okay, Kenzie?” his voice pulls me back to reality.
“I… I think so.”
“If you give me your hand, I’ll help you up,” he offers his hand to me to help me off the cool bathroom floor which I cautiously take. “I’ll wait in the bedroom, if you want to use the bathroom.”
I nod and watch as he leaves the room. Using a washcloth, I wipe down the toilet, thankful that I was at least able to get everything into the toilet without further embarrassing myself in front of Nicholas. After I use the toilet and wash my hands, I realize I need to do something about my breath. I find some mouth wash on the sink and gargle several gulps of that before spitting it out. There’s only one toothbrush in the drawer, which I assume is Nicholas’s, but seeing as there is no other, I use it vowing to buy him a new one. I splash cold water on my face, and after spending way too long in the bathroom, I open the door to find him pacing his bedroom floor waiting for me.
“Are you okay?” he asks immediately.
“I’m fine, thank you,” my voice is much weaker than I intended it to be.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I had a nightmare.”
“I gathered that, but this one seemed different than the one you had before.”
“It was.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“Not really,” I shrug and sigh heavily. I already bring so much baggage to this arrangement, I hate the idea of Nicholas knowing even more. What if he decides it’s too much? What if he decides he would rather have this arrangement with a girl who didn’t come with so much? He already knows I had an abusive ex and that I have no family that I want at my wedding, surely he knows there is more than I haven’t told him about my past. This baggage… this is the exact reason I knew I could never date again. It’s too much for anyone to deal with, especially for someone who needs the perfect woman by his side.
“Does… does it have something to do with what happened last night?”
“What happened last night?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Not really. I’m trying to figure out why… why I would have this specific nightmare. I haven’t had it in years, but I can’t figure out what would have happened last night to trigger it. Did something happen? Is that why I was in your bed? Oh my… did we…?”
OH GOD! If we had sex I would have remembered, right? Tell me I didn’t drink so much last night that I can’t remember sleeping with Nicholas. Glancing down I realize I’m wearing a men’s T-shirt, one that I’ve never seen before and is too big for me. This all but confirms we had sex last night. I’ve wondered what it would be like to have him make love to me but… God I had hoped if it did ever happen I would have remembered it! Is it even possible to have sex with someone and not remember any part of it?
“Kenzie, Kenzie!” Nicholas pulls me from my worrying thoughts. “We didn’t.”
“We didn’t? You’re sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” he chuckles. “We slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. Trust me, I prefer my women to be coherent when I… when we’re together.”
“Thank God,” I sigh and sit on the edge of the bed. The moment I see his eyes widen, I realize how awful my words sounded. “Oh… shit… Nicholas I didn’t mean—”
“No it’s fine—”
“No, I didn’t mean it to sound like it would be the worst thing ever if we had… slept together last night. I was… I was worried we had and that I wouldn’t be able to remember it.”
“So, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we slept together?” his eye brows raise as if he is considering the possibility.
“I’m not saying that… I would just hope that if it… if we… that we both would remember it,” I can’t believe we’re actually having this conversation.
“I agree and just so you know, Kenzie, I would never have taken advantage of you last night.”
“I’m sorry, I thought—”
“No, it’s understandable why you would. I’m sure you weren’t expecting to wake up in my bed, wearing my shirt with me sleeping next to you.”
“Yeah… about that. Can you clue me in as to what happened last night and how I ended up in here?”
“What’s the last thing you remember?”
I search my memory, trying to pull the bits and pieces of last night to the front of my mind. Unfortunately, there is so much still coming through from the nightmare, that I’m having trouble deciphering between last night and many years ago.
“The elevator… the foyer… we were… kissing,” I blush saying the words. We did a lot more than kissing—we were practically making out like two horny teenagers if I’m remembering correctly.
“We were,” he chuckles, but seems relieved that I remembered that. “I think I’m the cause of your nightmare.”
“You? How could you have caused my nightmare?”
“I… Fuck, Kenzie...”
“We got off the elevator…”
“I wanted to… we were both into it... At least I thought you—”
“I was,” I assure him, not wanting him to feel guiltier than he already seems to feel.
I don’t want him to think that he misread something last night; I may have had a little too much to drink but he wasn’t acting alone on the dance floor, or when we came here last night. Just remembering how it felt to kiss him and to have his arms around me, raises my body temperature even now. Never did I think that he thought of me like that; we’ve had a few kisses here and there, but nothing that comes close to comparing it to last night.
The day he me horseback riding, the kiss we shared after that and when he proposed was… amazing but last night it was on a completely different level. Dancing together, being with him like that, just felt so right and… natural. It felt natural to have his arms around my waist, my back pressed to his chest and his lips on my neck. It was as if the contract didn’t exist between us and we were just a normal couple.
I thought it was just me, but when I felt Nicholas press against my ass, I knew I wasn’t the only one caught up in our dance. I expected it to end there; that he would pull back when we arrived back at the condo, but the moment we entered the elevator everything heated up between us again.
“I… you went to unbutton my shirt and your fingers brushed against my chest…“ Nicholas pulls me from my heated memories of arriving home last night.
“Okay?” I’m not understanding what the issue is.
“I knew if you touched me, things would be over before they even started. I wanted you so much last night… but I wanted to take my time with you.” He blushes and looks away, something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him do before. “The last thing I wanted was to end things too quick, so I stopped you…”
“You held my hands,” reality and the nightmare are starting to make sense in my head now.
“Yes,” his eyes are on the floor, and he is shaking his head no almost as if he is trying to erase his actions.
“Nicholas…”
“I’m so sorry, Kenzie. I… I didn’t know—”
“Of course, you didn’t know—you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong—”
“How can you say that?” his eyes finally meet mine, and I can see he is angry, but I don’t think for a second that his anger is directed
at me.
“I fucking did that,” he gestures toward the bathroom, “to you! I… God, Kenzie, you scared the fucking shit out of me last night. I fucking did that to you!”
“Nicholas…”
He is back to pacing the floor of his bedroom and running his hands through his hair; he doesn’t even respond when I call his name. I watch him going back and forth, not sure what I should do. I know I need to tell him what happened and why I reacted the way I did, but I’m scared to. I’m scared that if I tell him he is going to decide it’s all too much.
This whole thing was supposed to be simple; we weren’t supposed to even get this close. I never thought when Bridget approached me that I would develop a friendship with someone she set me up with. I never considered that my past would have any place in the dates she would set up. I can feel myself almost start to panic when I think of the possibility that Nicholas might want to cancel our new arrangement once he realizes that I’m too much. It’s not even the thought of losing the financial security, a safe place to live, a college education… it’s the idea of losing him and this friendship…
“Kenzie, if you want to… if I… if you don’t want to live here any longer. I’ll understand,” once again his eyes are on the floor.
“Do you… do you want me to move out?” my voice is barely above a whisper. I’m almost afraid to ask the question, not knowing what his answer will be.
“Fuck, no! Of course, I don’t want you to leave!” his voice leaves no doubt in my mind that he is being honest. “But after what I did… I… I can understand if you want to leave.”
I stand up from the bed and meet him halfway through his next pace; I take his hands in mine and squeeze them. Of all the things to happen the day before our wedding, this was definitely not one of them. I didn’t expect Nicholas to be standing in front of me with so much guilt over something he had no control over.
“I don’t want to move out,” I say firmly hoping that my words sink in.
“You don’t?” I see the surprise in his eyes when he looks up.
“You didn’t do anything, Nicholas,” when he opens his mouth to disagree, I quickly continue without giving him a chance to argue with me. “My reaction last night? That was all me—that wasn’t about you. I didn’t think you were going to hurt me last night, not once. When you held my hands… it brought back…”
“I get it,” he wraps his hands around my waist and slowly pulls me toward him.
He watches my reaction, I guess he thinks I’m going to push him away or stop him. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him close to me so I can kiss him. The kiss is gentle and soft but instantly has both of our bodies relaxing. I can feel the tension leave him as he begins to rub circles on my lower back.
“Will you tell me what happened?” he whispers.
“Will you tell me about your nightmares?” I ask in return.
“I… yes, I will,” he sighs.
“Okay,” I agree.
“Let’s try to get a little more sleep before we…” he suggests.
“I don’t know that I can. I usually can’t fall back to sleep after a nightmare.”
“I know; I can’t usually either. But we have a long couple of days ahead of us, and it’s only four o’clock in the morning. Even if you just lie down, you might feel better.”
“Okay.”
I only have a moment to wonder if I should return to my bedroom to try to sleep, not sure what Nicholas was suggesting before he leads me back to his bed. In a weird way, I’m sort of relieved that he didn’t suggest I go upstairs to my bedroom. I guarantee I wouldn’t have been able to go back to sleep if I were up there by myself. When my head hits the soft pillow, I realize just how tired I really am. Whether it was from staying out late last night or the nightmare, I’m not sure, but surprisingly sleep easily finds me once I close my eyes.
I wake up some time later feeling incredibly hot; it takes me a few seconds to realize the reason I’m so hot is because his arms are wrapped around me, and his chest is pressed against my back. I quick glance at the clock tells me we’ve been sleeping for almost six hours now, which surprises me because I can’t remember the last time I slept in so late.
And then there’s the fact that Nicholas is sleeping in the same bed with me… again. He told me a few weeks ago that he doesn’t sleep with women because of his nightmares, yet this is the second time he slept next to me. Last night I kind of understand, given the apparent mess I was, but I’m not quite sure what to think about him wanting me to sleep in his bed after my nightmare. Regardless of whatever his reason was, I have to admit it feels nice to have his arms around me. I feel safe and protected; neither of which I have felt for a very long time.
“You okay?” he asks.
“I didn’t realize you were awake,” now I have to wonder how long he was lying there watching me.
“I just woke up a few minutes ago,” that makes me feel a little better.
“What time do we need to leave today?”
“We need to be at the airport by two; we should arrive by three-thirty or four o’clock depending on how quickly we are approved to take off. My parents are meeting us at the airport but everyone else is flying in tomorrow. I have the entire floor of the hotel reserved for the night, so we have plenty of rooms for everyone.”
“You reserved the entire floor of the hotel?”
“It was better for security purposes,” I feel him shrug against me as if it were no big deal.
“I should get up.”
“Stay, I want to talk about last night.”
I nod, knowing that we can’t avoid this conversation forever and roll over so we’re facing one another. His arm remains around my waist, while the other is under my head acting as a pillow. Our legs are intertwined and only a few inches of space separate us. I expect to feel awkward lying in bed this close to him, but surprisingly I don’t. It kind of just feels right…
“Nicholas… I—”
“Before I was adopted by Theodore and Vivienne, I had a pretty rough time,” Nicholas decides to start with this story first, which is more than okay by me. “I was born to a young, single woman, who was a high school dropout and couldn’t maintain a job. I don’t remember much about my time with her… some images here and there of the shitty apartment we lived in, memories of a neighbor who used to watch me on the rare occasion she actually had a job… and the bathroom…”
“You don’t—” I can tell how hard this is for him.
“I do,” his eyes meet mine briefly before looking somewhere over my shoulder. “She used to punish me by putting me in the bathtub filled with hot water. I don’t remember when it started, but I still have memories of being forced to sit in the tub with water burning my legs. I suppose I was fortunate, I don’t think the water was ever so hot that it caused blisters since I don’t have any scars from it.”
“I…”
My heart breaks for him as I picture a small, scared little boy being forced into a hot bathtub by the woman who is supposed to protect him.
“Anyway…” he clears his throat before continuing. “One day… I was five, almost six, she picked me up from the neighbor’s apartment and brought me home. She brought a happy meal home—you have to understand, for me, that was a true rarity. I think it was the second time I ever had one; she always said she didn’t have extra money for it. Afterwards, she told me it was time to get ready for bed and that I needed to take a bath. I still remember the smile on her face when she said it, because it was so unlike all the other times she would bring me in there… to be punished.
“When I didn’t get in the tub right away, she put her hand in the water and told me that it was perfect—not too hot and not too cold. I remember being so relieved when I stepped into the tub and it wasn’t hot. I played for a little while before she told me to lay on my back so she could see me float. I did as she asked, closing my eyes… the next thing I knew… her hand was on my chest pushing me under the water—”
“Oh my God,” I gasp.
His hand grips my hip tightly, as if he needs to hold onto me. I wrap my arm around his waist and tug him a little closer to me until there’s no space left between us. I want to say something, but how the hell do you respond to someone telling you that their mother tried to kill them?
“I remember fighting against her hold… taking in gulps of air and hearing her yell when I was able to get to the surface… she kept pushing me back under. I remember watching her from below the water… she was screaming, but then would smile down at me,” he shudders against me.
“She must have been yelling pretty loud because the next thing I knew I was being lifted out of the water. The neighbor had heard her screaming about releasing the devil or something like that. She had to break into the apartment because the door was locked. My… birth mother… she kept trying to grab me and put me back in the tub. She kept screaming that the devil was inside of me and needed to be released.”
“Nicholas…”
“The cops came and brought me to the hospital, I was released that night into the Parker’s care. They had been approved as a foster home and were willing to take in emergency placements. It was supposed to be temporary, just until they could find a permanent placement for me.”
“But they decided to adopt you.”
“Despite my recurring nightmares that kept everyone up at night, they did,” he finally looks at me and smiles sadly. “I celebrated my sixth birthday with them only a few months later, during which they asked if I wanted to stay with them forever.”
“What happened to her?” I whisper, almost afraid to ask, but at the same point needing to know.
“She killed herself in a psychiatric facility a few months after…” he pauses. “From what my parents were able to find out, she had severe post-partum psychosis. I don’t remember, but they said she had been pregnant. About a year before… she… the baby was stillborn. She didn’t have any prenatal care before… they don’t know if she even knew she was even pregnant. They think that triggered the psychosis…”
The Arrangement Duet Box Set Page 42
