Out of the Hurly-Burly; Or, Life in an Odd Corner

by Charles Heber Clark

  CHAPTER V.

  A LITTLE LOVE AFFAIR--COWARDICE OF MR. PARKER--POPULAR INTEREST IN AMATORY MATTERS--THE MAGRUDER FAMILY--AN EVENT IN ITS HISTORY--REMARKABLE EXPERIMENTS BY MRS. MAGRUDER--AN INDIGNANT HUSBAND--A QUESTION ANSWERED.

  Miss Bessie Magruder is the object upon which the affections of Mr. BobParker are fixed at the present moment. He met her, I believe, while shewas attending school in the city last winter, and what with accompanyingher to matinees, taking her to church and lingering by her side in theparlor oftentimes in the evening with the gas turned low, the heart ofMr. Parker gradually was induced to throb only for the pretty maid fromNew Castle. She has been very gracious to him during all the time thathe has devoted himself to her, and has seemed to like him so well thatthere is really no reason for doubting that when the climax of thelittle drama is reached and the question asked, she will droop hereyelids, crimson her cheeks with blushes and whisper "Yes."

  But Mr. Parker's courage has not yet been quite equal to thepresentation of the proposition in a definite form. When I asked him theother day, good-humoredly, if he had explained himself to Miss Magruder,he told me confidentially that he had not. At least a dozen times hehad prepared the question in a graceful and effective form, and aftercommitting it to memory he had started out with a valiant determinationto declare his passion in that precise language the very moment heshould encounter Miss Magruder.

  "The words seem all right enough when I'm not with her," sighed Bob."The very way I wrote 'em out appears to express exactly what I want tosay, and as I go along the street I repeat 'em over and think to myself:'By George, I'll do it now or die!' But as soon as I see her it seemsridiculous to blurt out a speech like that the first thing. So we beginto talk about something else, and then it seems 's if I couldn't breakright in abruptly on the conversation. Then I get to wondering how she'dfeel if she knew what I was thinking about. Then very likely somebodycomes in, and the chance is gone and I have to put it off. It worries menearly to death. I'll go down there some day soon and plump it right outwithout saying another word first; I will, by George!"

  It is an odd circumstance that every man who finds himself in theposition occupied by Mr. Parker should entertain the conviction that heis the first human being who ever suffered such embarrassment. Bob, mydear boy, you are traveling an old, a very old road, and all those roughand stony places whereupon you endure distress, and where your timidfeet stumble, have been passed for hundreds of centuries by love-sickwayfarers who were as eager, as unwise and as cowardly as you!

  It is very curious to observe how quickly the partiality of a youngman for a maid is perceived by their acquaintances, and with what zestthe gossiping tongues tell the tale. Women, of course, display deepestinterest and acutest perception in such matters. A movement made inthe direction of courtship by a young fellow sends a strong rippleof excitement circling over the surface of the little world in whichthey live; and there is something wonderful in the rapidity with whichthe involved questions of suitability, social standing and financialcondition are considered and settled. It is soon perceived whether thebusiness is a serious one upon both sides; and as the two chief actorsproceed slowly toward the moment when their hearts shall be unfolded toeach other, sharp eyes are watching them, and though they think they arekeeping their secret very fast from their friends, every step of theirprogress is perceived, and the gentle excitement of suspense increasesand intensifies day by day among the watchers until it culminates in theformal announcement that they are engaged.

  So they remain objects of general and tender consideration until thatother grand climax--the wedding--is at last attained; and the bride,with her orange blossoms and her veil, with her satin, her silver-wareand her sweetness, becomes the central figure of a happy festival whosegayety is tempered by the solemn thoughts which will come concerningthat great unknown future whose threshold is being passed. And then,when all this is over, when the lights are out, the wedding garmentsfolded away, the practical domestic life begun and the period of romancepassed, the interest which followed the pair from the first blossom oftheir love expires, and, as far as sentiment is concerned, their day--atime full of pleasant things, of grateful happiness in the present andjoyful expectation for the future--is done for ever. Thenceforward theirlives will be but prosy and dull to the world, however full to them theyears may be of serenity and peace.

  I have been making some inquiries concerning the Magruder family, inorder to satisfy my wife that Bob's prospective relations are "the rightkind of people." The expression, I know, is vague; and now that we havelearned something of the Magruders, my inability to determine preciselywhat qualifications are necessary in order to make people of the rightkind forbids the formation of a definite opinion upon my part concerningthem. But Mrs. Adeler will decide; women are always mistresses of suchsubjects.

  Mr. Magruder is apparently a man of leisure and of comparative wealth;his social position is very good, and he has enough intelligence andcultivation to enable him to get along comfortably in the society ofvery respectable persons. Mrs. Magruder, it seems, is rather inclined toemphasize herself. She is a physician, an enthusiast in the study andpractice of medical science, and a woman of such force that she succeedsin keeping Mr. Magruder, if not precisely in a state of repression, atleast slightly in the background. He married her, according to report,shortly after her graduation; and as he was at that time an earnestadvocate of the theory that women should practice medicine, a beliefprevails that he became attached to her while under her treatment. Shetouched his heart, we may presume, by exciting activity in his liver. Heloved her, let us say, for the blisters she had spread, and demandedher hand because he had observed the singular dexterity with which itcut away tumors and tied up veins.

  But if what Dr. Tobias Jones, our family physician, tells me is true,the sentiments of Magruder upon the subject of medical women haveundergone a radical change in consequence of an exuberance of enthusiasmon the part of Mrs. Magruder. Dr. Jones entertains the regularprofessional hatred for Mrs. Dr. Magruder, and so I have my privatedoubts respecting the strict accuracy of his narrative.

  He said that a few years ago the Magruders lived in Philadelphia, andMrs. Magruder was a professor in the Woman's Medical College. At thattime Magruder was in business; and as he generally came home tired, hehad a habit of lying on the sitting-room sofa in the evening, for thepurpose of taking a nap. Several times when he did so, and Mrs. Magruderhad some friends with her down stairs, he noticed upon awaking thatthere was a peculiar feeling of heaviness in his head and a queer smellof drugs in the room. When he questioned Mrs. Magruder about it, sheinvariably colored and looked confused, and said he must have eatensomething which disagreed with him.

  Ultimately the suspicions of Magruder were aroused. He suspectedsomething wrong. A horrible thought crossed his mind that Mrs. Magruderintended to poison him for his skeleton--to sacrifice him so that shecould dangle his bones on a string before her class, and explain to theseekers after medical truth the peculiarities of construction whichenabled the framework of her husband to move around in society.

  So Magruder revealed his suspicions to his brother, and engaged him tosecrete himself in a closet in the room while he took his usual nap on acertain evening upon the sofa.

  When that night arrived, Mrs. Magruder pretended to have the "sewingcircle" from the church in the parlor, while her husband went to sleepin the sitting-room with that vigilant relative of his on guard. Aboutnine o'clock Mr. Magruder's brother was surprised to observe Mrs.Magruder softly stealing up stairs, with the members of the "sewingcircle" following her noiselessly in single file. In her hand Mrs.Magruder carried a volume. If her brother-in-law had conceived the ideathat the book might contain the tender strains of some sweet singer amidwhose glowing imagery this woman reveled with the ecstasy of a sensitivenature, he would have been mistaken, for the work was entitled "Thompsonon the Nervous System;" while those lines traced in a delicate femalehand, upon the perfumed note-paper, and
carried by Mrs. Magruder, so farfrom embodying an expression of the gentlest and most sacred emotions ofher bosom, were merely a diagnosis of an aggravated case of fattydegeneration of the heart.

  I give the story literally as I received it from that eminentpractitioner Jones.

  When the whole party had entered the room, Mrs. Magruder closed thedoor and applied chloroform to her husband's nose. As soon as he becamecompletely insensible, the sewing in the hands of the ladies was quicklylaid aside, and to Magruder's secreted brother was disclosed thealarming fact that this was a class of students from the college.

  If Dr. Jones is to be believed, Professor Magruder began her lecturewith some very able remarks upon the nervous system; and in order todemonstrate her meaning more plainly, she attached a galvanic battery toher husband's toes, so that she might make him wriggle before the class.And he did wriggle. Mrs. Magruder gave him a dozen or two shocks andpoked him with a ruler to make him jump around, while the students stoodin a semi-circle, with note-books in their hands, and exclaimed, "Howvery interesting!"

  Magruder's brother thought it awful, but he was afraid to come out whenhe reflected that they might want _two_ skeletons at the college.

  Mrs. Magruder then said that she would pursue this branch of theinvestigation no further at that moment, because Mr. Magruder's systemwas somewhat debilitated in consequence of an overdose of chlorate ofpotash which she had administered in his coffee upon the previous dayfor the purpose of testing the strength of the drug.

  Mrs. Magruder then proceeded to "quiz" the class concerning the generalconstruction of her husband. She said, for instance, that she had wonwhat was called the heart of Mr. Magruder, and she asked the studentswhat it was that she had really won.

  "Why, the cardia, of course," said the class; "it is an azygous muscleof an irregular pyramid shape, situated obliquely and a little to theleft side of the chest, and it rests on the diaphragm."

  One fair young thing said that it didn't rest on the diaphragm.

  Another one said she would bet a quart of paregoric it did, and untilthe dispute was settled by the professor, Magruder's brother's hairstood on end with fear lest they should go to probing around inside ofMagruder with a butcher-knife and a lantern, for the purpose ofdetermining the actual condition of affairs respecting his diaphragm.

  Mrs. Magruder continued. She explained that when she accepted Mr.Magruder he seized her hand, and she required the class to explain whatit was that Mr. Magruder actually had hold of.

  The students replied that he held in his grip twenty-seven distinctbones, among which might be mentioned the phalanges, the carpus and themetacarpus.

  The beautiful creature who was incredulous concerning the diaphragmsuggested that he also had hold of the deltoid. But the othersscornfully suggested that the deltoid was a muscle; they knew, becausethey had dissected one that very morning. The discussion became soexciting that thumb-lancets were drawn, and there seemed to be aprospect of bloodshed, when the professor interfered and demanded of thegirl who had begun to cry about the deltoid what was the result when Mr.Magruder kissed her.

  "Why merely a contraction of the orbicularis oris muscle; thus," saidthe student as she leaned over and kissed Mr. Magruder.

  Magruder's brother, in the closet, thought maybe it wasn't so verysolemn for Magruder after all. He considered this portion of theexercises in a certain sense soothing.

  But all the students said it was perfectly scandalous. And the professorherself, after informing the offender that hereafter when illustrationof any point in the lesson was needed it would be supplied by theprofessor, ordered her to go to the foot of the class, and to learneighty new bones as a punishment.

  "Do you hear me, miss?" demanded the professor, when she perceived thatthat blooming contractor of the orbicularis oris did not budge.

  "Yes," she said, "I am conscious of a vibration striking against themembrana tympanum, and being transmitted through the labyrinth until itagitates the auditory nerve, which conveys the impression to the brain."

  "Correct," said the professor. "Then obey me, or I will call my bicepsand flexors and scapularis into action and put you in your place byforce."

  "A GENERAL ATTACK ON THE SUBJECT."]

  "Yes, and we will help her with our spinatus and infra-spiralis,"exclaimed the rest of the class.

  Magruder's brother in the gloom of his closet did not comprehend thecharacter of these threats, but he had a vague idea that the life ofthat lovely young saw-bones was menaced by firearms and other engines ofwar of a peculiarly deadly description. He felt that the punishment wastoo severe for the crime. Magruder himself, he was convinced, would haveregarded that orbicularis operation with courageous fortitude and heroiccomposure.

  Mrs. Magruder then proceeded to give the class practice in certainoperations in medical treatment. She vaccinated Magruder on the leftarm, while one of the students bled his right arm and showed hercompanions how to tie up the vein. They applied leeches to his nose,under the professor's instructions; they cupped him on the shoulderblades; they exercised themselves in spreading mustard plasters on hisback; they timed his pulse; they held out his tongue with pincers andexamined it with a microscope, and two or three enthusiastic studentskept hovering around Magruder's leg with a saw and a carving-knife,until Magruder's brother in retirement in the closet shuddered withapprehension.

  But the professor restrained these devotees of science; and when theother exercises were ended, she informed the students that they woulddevote a few moments in conclusion to study of the use of thestomach-pump.

  Dr. Jones continued: "I shall not enter into particulars concerning thescene that then ensued. There is a certain want of poetry about theoperation of the weapon just named, a certain absence of dignity andsentiment, which, I may say, render it impossible to describe it in amanner which will elevate the soul and touch the moral sensibilities. Itwill suffice to observe that as each member of the class attackedMagruder with that murderous engine, Magruder's brother, timid as hewas, solemnly declared to himself that if the class would put away thosesaws and things he would rush out and rescue his brother at the risk ofhis life.

  "He was saved the necessity of thus imperiling his safety. Magruderbegan to revive. He turned over; he sat up; he stared wildly at thecompany; he looked at his wife; then he sank back upon the sofa and saidto her, in a feeble voice:

  'Henrietta, somehow or other I feel awfully hungry!'"

  "Hungry! Magruder's brother considered that, after that last performanceof the class, Magruder ought to have a relish for a couple of rawbuffaloes, at least. He emerged from the closet, and seizing a chair,determined to tell the whole story. Mrs. Magruder and the classscreamed, but he proceeded. Then up rose Magruder and discussed thesubject with vehemence, while his brother brandished his chair andjoined in the chorus. Mrs. Magruder and the class cried, and saidMr. Magruder was a brute, and he had no love for science. But Mr.Magruder said that as for himself, 'hang science!' when a woman becameso infatuated with it as to chop up her husband to help it along. Andhis brother said he ought to put in even stronger terms than that. Whatfollowed upon the adjournment of the class is not known. But Magruderseems somehow to have lost much of his interest in medicine, and sincethen there has been a kind of coolness between him and the professor."

  I shall repeat this extraordinary narrative to Mr. Parker. He oughtto be aware of the propensities of his prospective mother-in-lawbeforehand, so that he may not encounter the dangers which attendher devotion to her profession without realizing the fact of theirexistence. Admitting that Jones adheres closely to truth in hisstatement, we may very reasonably fear that Mrs. Magruder would nothesitate to vivisect a mere son-in-law, or in an extreme case to removeone of his legs. A mother-in-law with such dangerous proclivities oughtnot to be accepted rashly or in haste. Prudence requires that she shouldbe meditated upon.

  * * * * *

  "I want to ask you a question," observed Mr. Parker, as we sat out up
onthe porch after tea with Mrs. Adeler. "I notice that you always say 'isbeing done,' and not 'is doing.' Now, which is correct? I think you'rewrong. Some of those big guns who write upon such subjects think so too.Grind us out an opinion."

  "The subject has been much discussed, Bob, and a good many smart thingshave been said in support of both theories. But I stick to 'is beingdone,' first, because it is more common, and therefore handier, andsecond, because it is the only form that is really available in allcases. Suppose, for instance, you wished to express the idea that ourboy Agamemnon is enduring chastisement; you would say, 'Agamemnon isbeing spanked,' not 'Agamemnon is spanking.' The difference may seem toyou very slight, but it would be a matter of considerable importance toAgamemnon; and if a choice should be given him, it is probable that hewould suddenly select the latter form."

  "Just so," exclaimed Mr. Parker.

  "You say again, 'Captain Cook is being eaten.' Certainly this expressesa very different fact from that which is conveyed by the form, 'CaptainCook is eating.' I venture to say that Captain Cook would have insistedupon the latter as by far the more agreeable of the two things."

  "Precisely," said Mr. Parker.

  "And equally diverse are the two ideas expressed by the phrases'The mule is being kicked' and 'The mule is kicking.' But it is tobe admitted that there are occasions when the two forms indicate aprecisely similar act. You assert, I will say, that 'Hannah is hugging.'"

  "Which would be a very improper thing for Hannah to do," suggested Mr.P.

  "Of course it would; but there is an extreme probability that you wouldindicate Hannah's action under the circumstances if you should say,'Hannah is being hugged.' It is in most cases a reciprocal act. Orsuppose I say, 'Jane is kissing'?"

  "And her mother ought to know about it if she is," remarked Bob.

  "It is nearly the same as if I should say, 'Jane is being kissed,' forone performance in most cases presupposes the other. It will not,however, be necessary for you to attempt to prove this fact by practiceanywhere in the neighborhood of the Magruder mansion. If you find itnecessary to explain to Miss Magruder my views of this grammaticalquestion, it will be better to confine your illustrations to the case ofCaptain Cook. But you can safely continue to say, 'is being built.'Nobody will object to that but a few superfine people who are so farahead of you in such matters that they will be tolerably sure to regardyou as an idiot whichever form you happen to use, while if you adopt theother form in conversation with your unfastidious acquaintances, youwill be likely to confuse your meaning very often in such a manner as toimpress them with the conviction that your reason is dethroned."