I wasn't the type who could live with that. I know some women were okay with open relationships and that kind of thing but I'd lived through those nights at home alone, waiting for him. Not knowing if he'd come back at all and, if he did, whether he'd have the stink of another woman on him.
It'd taken me a long time to get over that pain. That feeling of being second best or not enough, and blaming myself. I couldn't and wouldn't go through that again.
Holden could say what he liked. He'd soon get bored and move on to someone else and, when he did, I wasn't going to let that hurt me at all. My heart would be so hardened against him that it'd be nothing at all.
Yet, there'd been something more. Those nights in his room that seemed so long ago they were almost like something I'd imagined. Holden had been a different person and so had I. We were such babies back then, with big dreams and no idea about the way that life knocks the wind out of you.
We'd both been misfits then. Too cool for our tiny town. Too weird to fit into their little boxes. It'd been harder for Holden. His family were looked down on and he’d had to pay a million times for crimes committed by his father or his uncles. When we'd go into a store, the owner would watch him like a hawk in case he pocketed a candy bar because he came from "that" family. Teachers would be nice to him when they first came to the school until someone on staff put the word in their ear. No one thought he was worth bothering with.
But Holden wasn't like the rest of his family. He had a spark in him that they didn't have. A spark that most of the dead-eyed people in town lacked. That's what made me notice him.
I'd been sent home from school for wearing ripped tights. That was against the uniform code.
"I think they’re hot," he said as I walked out of the classroom.
I shot him a smile and he shot one back and, from then on, we were inseparable. The two of us against the world.
"One day, I'll get out of this place and go somewhere I'm judged for myself," he'd say. "Not as the guy from the wrong side of the tracks. This town is shit. I need to get out. If people know my name, and they will, I want it to be with a smile on their face and good things to say about me. "
I was the only one he let close. The only one who understood him. I had my own issues. Not nearly so bad but I wasn't exactly prom queen either.
In those days, he only had eyes for me. He'd put his arm around me and we'd walk together through town, laughing at their stupid small-town stares and gossip. We'd had our secret places we went to get away from them.
I got jolted out of my thoughts by the sound of smashing glass.
"Drew? Was that you?"
He'd been unloading the dishwasher. We'd found a bunch of hidden glasses behind one of the couches that the cleaning staff had missed. I thought they would be safe with Drew but I'd been wrong. He seemed to have a special talent for smashing things.
"Clean it up," I said. "And try to get through the rest of the day without smashing anything. I'd hate to have to sack you."
I was a bit curt with him but he had to learn. If I was in charge, I couldn't have him smashing every glass in the place. And, if the other staff saw me go easy on Drew, they'd expect it too.
That reminded me, I hadn’t done the stock orders. I sighed and got to it. We'd been going through a ton of vodka lately, that's for sure. We'd run out on Saturday night. That was embarrassing, having to tell customers we had no vodka. I’d been tempted to serve them gin. Most of them wouldn't have known the difference anyway.
Those were the kinds of things I had to worry about, not an ex-boyfriend coming back into town with fool ideas in his head.
It wasn’t right for him to come back and stir up these feelings in me. He hadn’t asked me if that’s what I wanted. He’d just decided for himself. I’d have liked some say in the matter. They were my feelings after all.
By the time Alex came out of Violet's office, I'd finished the orders so I slipped in to have a cigarette with her. Screw Alex and his stupid talk. I couldn't smoke in the back alley. It stunk of piss.
"Sorry, I knew nothing about this until Alex told me. If I could change things, I would." She fidgeted with some papers on her desk.
I shrugged. I didn't blame her at all. She was only doing what Alex said. I perched on the arm of the sofa and lit my cigarette, taking a long draw.
"I'm okay. It's only one night. He can do what he wants, they both can — Holden and Alex. I'm tough enough to deal with it." I tried to blow a smoke ring but it broke apart before it even formed.
"Are you? Because if you need anything, you know you can count on me. You don’t have to be a tough chick all the time. If you want to come in here to scream and punch things, that's okay with me. Mainly, if you want to punch things, punch the sofa because, if it falls apart completely, I can get it replaced."
As she said that, she got up and threw the cushions off it.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Ah, I knew Alex would sit down so I took out all the crap I have stuffing the holes underneath it so he'd get stuck in the sofa hole. That way he'd realize how inadequate this thing is. They both got stuck actually. I nearly peed myself holding in the giggles."
She grabbed a bunch of stuff from behind the sofa — old cushions, a bunch of clothes from the lost and found, a couple of boards — and fixed the sofa up.
"'That's evil. I love it." It was a shit sofa, that's for sure. It was even worse than the one in my shitty share house and that was about fifty years old.
"Seriously though, you don't have to go through this alone."
"I know, but I'm fine."
Well, I hoped I was fine. Maybe that weird feeling creeping over me was just because I was getting a cold or something. It had nothing to do with Holden.
I stubbed out my cigarette but lingered. I had no motivation to get back to work.
"It's going to be huge, huh," I said. "Holden King playing here. I guess I'd better get used to hearing his name."
"It's a total win for Alex but I'm not sure if it's the best thing for the club. We don't have the capacity for something like this. Everyone in town will want a ticket but, by the time Alex gives out all the comps, there'll be like ten tickets left to sell on the door. That's going to make for some angry punters. And you know what they’ll do? Mill around downstairs. I hope he's intending putting on extra security that night because we're going to need it."
If downstairs was hammered, at least I'd be distracted. That had to be for the best. I wouldn’t even know what was going on or have time to think until it was all over.
"It's going to be hellish this week too. This is the week they are doing all the heavy work upstairs. It'll be all hammering and sawing and banging," she said.
"What? More than they're doing now? I didn't realize there was that much hammering involved in putting in a sound desk."
"Yep, not the equipment obviously but building the actual desk. Hamish has been going nuts. He has very different ideas to Alex about how things should be done. He thinks, as the sound engineer, he should be consulted more. They keep running to me to get involved but I'm not refereeing them."
Even with all her complaints, Violet was radiant. She had a glow I'd never have. I'd die an old maid without even cats to keep me company because I lacked the nurturing skills to be responsible for them. Not that I minded being single. It suited me just fine. Much better than being in a terrible relationship. Just, it would be nice to meet someone who made me that happy.
"So, you and Razer leave in a few days’ time?" I asked.
"Yeah, it's been too easy. Every venue we contacted wanted him. One of the towns even changed around their festival so the guys could headline. It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks but it might be nice. I can sit back and be a fan rather than running the show, you know? I can't even remember what that's like."
I laughed because I couldn't remember either. That was the trouble with a job like this. If you loved music and you worked with bands, what did you do in your spa
re time?
Talking with Violet settled me at least. I might get through my shift without yelling at anyone or destroying the place. So long as Holden King stayed the hell away.
Chapter 9
SWEAT DRIPPED DOWN my face and my arms hurt like a bastard but that punching bag had done me wrong and needed to be taught a lesson. The ringing of my gloves slamming against the leather gave me a sense of satisfaction that few other things could nowadays.
That bag had Holden King’s face on it. It always had Holden’s face on it. Since the day I started training at the gym over two years ago, every punch that welled up inside me had one aim.
I tried to wipe the sweat from my forehead but I only made things worse. I’d grab a towel after another round. It wasn’t time yet. I’d stop when that hard lump in my belly went away or at least softened enough for me to live with. That lump seemed to grow bigger by the day, though.
“Time to give it a rest,” called Bob. He was my trainer and the owner of the gym.
“In a minute.” Bob didn’t like to be crossed but I had a lot more in me, I just knew it.
He walked over and grabbed the bag so I had to stop.
“Not in a minute. When I say, stop, it’s time to stop. You know that.”
I grabbed the strap of my glove in my mouth and gave it a tug to loosen the Velcro. You didn’t argue with Bob.
“What the hell’s going on with you? I thought I’d knocked all of that nonsense out of you years ago. You were actually starting to get some discipline but that angry kid is back.”
I walked with him over to the stretching mats. He threw me a towel and I wiped myself down.
“Just going through a bad patch.”
I laid down on the mat and Bob held my ankles while I did my sit-ups.
“We have kids who want to go pro that don’t gun it like you do. You’re going to do damage if you don’t give it a break. You’re here to train, not for therapy.”
“Yeah.” I’d have said more but those sit-ups killed my abs and, now I’d stopped punching, the full effect of the pain came into my arms.
“Don’t ‘yeah’ me. I’m not having you get injured because you have a head of steam.”
Even though Bob said that, I knew it was the only thing I could do to get through this. I needed to direct all the anger and hurt inside me. I wasn’t the type to go out for coffee and long, analytical chats with my girlie friends. I hated talking about my emotions. I could work it out with the punching bag. It didn’t judge me. It took all the punches I could give.
“You’ll be in a world of pain tomorrow.” Bob handed me my water bottle.
That would be fine. I could handle the physical pain. It settled the turmoil.
“Hit the showers, kiddo. And look after yourself.”
I walked across the floor like my body didn’t ache all over. I’d never admit to the pain, not with Bob watching.
Chapter 10
"HOLDEN KING IS COMING into the bar tonight. Just thought I should warn you."
I gave Violet a nod of thanks. I needed that warning. I didn't like surprise pop-ins. I knew this was a bar and the whole point of it was that people popped in when they felt like it but that was only fine when it was other people. At least with some forewarning, I wouldn’t freak out like an idiot.
"Cool," said Drew, popping out of the storeroom. "That guy is awesome."
"He's only coming in to give the sound desk a run through with Alex, not to have buddy time with you, Drew. They want to make sure it's all working fine."
Drew's shoulders drooped as he walked back to his mopping. Really, did he think famous rock stars popped in just to see him? I'd have to play a few rounds of Galaga with him to put him in his place. A thorough beating would take him down a notch or two and stop me turning into a quivering mess.
"Are you leaving?" I asked Violet.
"Yep, there's nothing to do here. I'm so caught up on work that it's ridiculous, so Razer and I are having date night." She grinned as though she'd never been on a date before.
"Wow, you’re getting serious. I mean, screwing yourselves stupid is one thing but going out in public and being all lovey-dovey is something else. You aren't going to be one of those sick-making couples, are you?"
"God, I hope not. Smother me with a pillow if I get like that."
I didn't want to say it but she'd already had more than a few pillow-smothering worthy moments in the bar. You had to let that kind of things slip though if you wanted to stay friends with someone.
"We can come in if you want. Give you moral support."
I shook my head. "That's not going to make for a romantic date. This is the last place you guys will want to be. And besides, I don't need babysitting. I can cope with this. Go home and have a normal life for one night."
"Hell yeah, then I have holidays from Friday. This working ‘normal people’ hours thing is the best."
"Don't get too used to it. It's going to be hell night when the band room reopens. At least you'll be rested for it. Or will you..."
She just blushed and didn't answer. It'd be damn quiet around here without Violet but I envied her taking holidays.
"You do the rosters. You could give yourself a few days off."
Ha, if she only knew. Instead of having more freedom, I needed to prove myself.
"Yeah, not going to happen. As bar manager, I have to set a good example for the rest of the staff. I'm working more hours than ever. I guess once things get settled, I can take some time off but I'm not loosening the reins."
I didn't even want to let on how much I was working. My legs ached when I tried to sleep from standing on my feet all night and my back creaked like I was a 90-year-old woman. My vanity didn't let me wear comfortable shoes to work but I stuck to my boots and had even broken down and put some inner soles in them.
"Don't work yourself too hard. You need to take a break now and then."
I laughed. "That's rich coming from the biggest workaholic in the place."
"Yeah, I'm starting to see the error of my ways. There's a whole world outside this bar and you can't work yourself to death. Work/life balance, that's what it's all about."
"Yeah, get out of here or you'll have no work/life balance yourself."
Things had been quiet since we opened and I thought about leaving Drew in charge while I snuck into Violet's office for a nap. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately. It wasn't just the sore back and aching feet either. Too many old memories stirred up and spinning around in my mind for me to relax. By the time I got to sleep, it was almost time to get back up for work. I'd tried drinking before bed, even warm milk, but nothing worked. Then it’d be time to get up and start another day. Maybe if I had a decent sleep, this permanent bad mood would leave me.
But, leaving Drew in charge was way too risky. Maybe he'd be okay pouring a beer but anything more complicated would floor him. Not that there was anyone much in the bar to worry about but you never knew when a big group would come in and want something complicated.
Maybe I should start training him in bar work. Or I could roster more staff on so I could cover a break for myself. The easiest way to would be to get in a pest removal company and get that massive rat called Holden removed from my life.
The bar phone rang and I answered it.
Nancy. She'd started two weeks ago and was rostered to work.
"I can't come in tonight," she said. "I've got a cold."
"This is the third time you've had a cold since you started. That seems rather unfortunate."
Seriously did the girl even want a job? You can't just waltz in and work the days you wanted.
"It's a recurring cold," she said. "I can't seem to shake it off."
Someone giggled in the background.
"Fine, I'll work the entire shift on my own. That's okay. You take care of yourself."
“Thanks.”
She obviously didn’t get sarcasm. I slammed the phone down then regretted being so half-arsed with her. I should've
told her if she didn't come in tonight not to bother coming in at all. But no, I kept giving these slackers leeway. If I sacked her, I'd just have to find more staff with no guarantee that they'd be any better.
I searched the yellowing piece of paper taped to the wall with a bunch of faded phone numbers on it. I could call Babs and see if she was free but I hated calling people at the last minute. Still, it had to be better than facing Holden on my own. I tried her number. It rang and rang with no answer.
Sally had said she was going to her Mum's for the night so she wasn't available and Mark had given me the shits so much lately that I'd rather work on my own.
You'd think it'd be a lot easier to find people to work. I never remembered it being this bad. It made me think there was one common factor and that factor was me. I knew nothing about being a manager. I didn't know why Alex had even given me the job. If I said anything to Alex though, that would mean admitting that I couldn't control the staff.
I tried Babs again just to be doubly sure. As the phone rang, I tapped my pen against the wall.
If I worked the bar on my own, I'd have no escape route from Holden.
I'd play it cool when Holden came in. I didn't need to prove my point, I just needed to avoid him. That might be hard with the bar mostly empty but he'd be upstairs. If he came down, I could busy myself. I had to avoid talking to him, being close to him and looking him in the eyes. And his voice, best to avoid that too, even if he wasn't talking to me.
The next two weeks couldn't go fast enough for me. After the reopening gig, he'd have no reason to stay in town. He might say he'd stick around to win me back but he had a short attention span. It was all just talk.
"You're nervous, girl. Just admit it." Jackson had to have his say.
While it was true, I didn't appreciate everyone in the bar getting involved in my business. I sure as hell wasn't going to discuss my emotional state with him so I just gave him a dirty look.
He didn't care, he just nodded for another drink.
Rock Star Returns: Carlie's Story (Access All Areas, #2) Page 5
