I stormed from behind the bar and grabbed her by the hair, pulling her off him.
“What the fuck –” She tried to push me away.
“Get off him. Get your fucking hands off him, you stupid bitch.”
She screamed and the room went black. All I could see was her face, laughing at me.
I’d warned her. She should’ve left him alone.
Before she could say anymore, I punched her in the mouth. Her stupid mouth, with its stupid talking. She shouldn’t have had it where it wasn’t wanted.
She screamed again, and Alex pulled me away.
Holden put his arm around the girl, calming her and asking if she wanted her friends. Fuck him. It was me he should be comforting. I was the one who’d had to put up with all this shit.
“Get the lady a drink, Mark? Was it red wine?” Alex said without letting go of me.
I fought Alex, trying to loosen his grip on me. He should throw her out instead of giving her free drinks.
She smirked even though her lip bled, and that made me struggle more. I’d finish the job. I wanted to kill someone and I didn’t care if it was her, Alex or Holden. The whole fucking lot of them could die. She’d been being a stupid little bitch and deserved to get hit.
“Let me go,” I screamed but Alex carried me into Violet’s office and threw me on the sofa.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“You saw her. You saw what a creep she was being. She deserved what she got and more.”
Alex sat down on Violet’s desk. He folded his arms and looked serious. I was a teenager again, in the headmaster’s office, in trouble for fighting on school grounds.
They never understood. No one understood.
“Carlie, that’s the second time you’ve punched someone in this bar. The first time, I let it slide because it was before opening hours and you obviously had a history with Holden but this time you hit a customer. It’s not on. It’s totally not on. If you’re the bar manager here, I need you to act professionally. You are too fucking volatile and I have no idea what to do with you. Take some time off and sort yourself out. I don’t want you back until you have your shit together. I don’t want to sack you but, if she presses charges, I’ll have to.”
I sucked in my cheeks and glowered at him. “You started this, though, didn’t you? You were the one who wanted Holden to play here. You weren’t worried about what damage that would do. And now everyone is taking sides against me.”
He got up and walked to the door.
“Don’t make this about me. Or about Holden. Or even that girl out there. You can’t just punch people when things don’t go your way. You’ll be lucky if that girl doesn’t press charges. We aren’t taking her side; we’re cleaning up your mess. Get your temper under control or you’re out of a job.”
With that, he walked out the door. I wanted to pick up something and throw it after him but there was only a cushion. Alex could go to hell. The lot of them could.
I choked back a sob. I didn’t want to go back out there but I couldn’t stay in Violet’s office all night.
I could run up the back stairs to the band room. That way I could escape the club without seeing anyone. I needed to see Holden, though. I wanted him to pull me into his arms and tell me everything was okay. At the same time, if he did that, I’d fight him off. I couldn’t help myself.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t want him to try.
I walked out of the bar. Holden and that chick had both gone. My stomach churned, as I wondered if they’d left together. Holden’s jacket wasn’t where I’d hung it up behind the bar.
Even if they weren’t together, Holden hadn’t cared enough to wait for me. The dead weight of all my fears crashed around me.
My heart jumped when I saw him waiting outside. He leaned against the wall, staring at me.
“It’s not going to work,” he said.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach like I’d been hit.
“Not when you let every woman you meet maul you. How am I supposed to deal with that?”
He sighed. “I didn’t maul her. None of them mean a thing. I flash them a smile and they get a photo to post on their Facebook. I’d have shaken her off but you just made her more determined to hang around.”
“Right.” I was supposed to believe that?
“These are the people that support me. Don’t you understand that? I can’t treat them like trash.”
“Well, I can.”
But, even as I said it, the regret started. I’d gone too far. I didn’t need Holden or Alex to tell me that.
“Maybe I’m not right for you, Carlie. I just keep hurting you, over and over, even when I’m trying to make things right. You have to meet me halfway.”
A lump formed in my throat. It wasn’t even his words but the hurt in his eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you have a choice. Either you’re in this relationship, with all the scary shit that involves, or you aren’t in this at all. I know it’s not easy but I’m prepared to fight for you, to work my guts out for this thing between us but I can only do that if you are walking beside me, working at it too.”
I’d known it would never last between Holden and me. It’d been a fling, all hormones and lust. I’d let him walk away. I could commit my body, I could commit my time but I didn’t know if I could ever commit my heart.
“Just say yes, Carlie.”
I hung my head, not able to answer him and definitely not able to meet his eyes. I wanted to say yes to him and throw myself into his arms but I couldn’t. I stayed like that for a long time, long enough to hear Holden’s footsteps as he left me.
As I watched his back grow smaller in the distance, I realized it was over. There was no Holden-and-Carlie. I had nothing. Nothing but that cheap junk ring on my finger.
Chapter 24
I RAN AS FAR AS I COULD. From Holden, from the bar, from my messed-up life. I got home and stuffed some things in a bag then headed for as far away as I could. It was only when I got on the overnight bus that I realized I was going home. Not my home in the city but home to my parents. That worked. Holden would never return to our hometown in a million years, not now that he'd escaped.
I didn't bother texting my parents. They'd be asleep and were the types to wake up and answer the message. I didn’t want to disturb them. It'd be morning before I arrived. I'd let them know then. I curled up as best I could in the tiny seat, hugging my bag tight to me, and fell asleep.
I’d pulled that stupid ring off my finger intending to throw it as far away as I could but I couldn’t. I stuffed it into the bottom of my bag.
When I woke, the bus was on the outskirts of town. My neck ached and my back ached. I tried to stretch out in the narrow seat but there wasn't enough room. I needed to go to the toilet but the thought of crawling over the man asleep beside me to use the stinky bus toilet made me hold it.
The sun was strong already, making everything appear bleached out. The ugly farmhouses hadn't changed. The sign at the mill saying how many days since there'd been an accident said five. The house with the rusty tractor in the front yard still had the rusty tractor. Nothing had changed at all. The place had been frozen when I left, like a snapshot.
A bunch of high school kids waited at a bus stop. I bet they were exactly the same types. The bitchy girls who expected everyone to follow their rules. The rough girls who threatened to beat you up. The smart ones who planned to get out before the tentacles of this hell town wrapped around them and dragged them down into the murky depths forever.
I got out my phone and sent Mum a message, ignoring the list of missed calls. Mum would be full of questions but Holden King's name would not be mentioned in our house. I'd never told her what happened, not wanting to hear all the I told you sos and how Holden King was just trash, all the Kings were trash and would never amount to anything.
I'd never been able to make them understand that Holden was different.
After I messaged Mum, I went into the missed calls. Holden didn't have my number and if Alex or anyone else had given it to him, they were dead to me.
When I checked though, they were from Violet. There was a message too.
Are you okay?
I sent a reply, telling her I was out of town. I'd be out of town for a while.
Need anything? Alex said you were pretty upset last night.
Even though my anger tank overflowed with the pure rage I felt toward Holden, there was still a reserve for Alex. He'd set me up. Sure, I'd taken the money for watching Holden play but he’d known what he was doing and he tempted me into it. He had to share some of the blame. The two of them had zero respect for my feelings. No wonder Violet had chosen Razer over him.
We pulled into the bus depot in the middle of town. The middle of town being two streets of shops. I hoped Mum would be there to pick me up. I could walk to the house but there was a strong possibility that I'd run into someone I knew and they'd be all chatty and asking me about my life since I left town. Screw that bullshit.
I pushed my way off the bus and ran into the bus depot toilet. It hadn't been cleaned in a long time. I blocked my nose and hung my bag up, well away from that floor.
When I came out, I searched for Mum. I spotted her across the road next to the car. Talking to Mrs. Harrison, my Year Nine teacher. Holy crap. That was the last thing I needed.
I hid behind the bus and lit up a cigarette while Mum chatted. She'd be telling the old busybody all about how I was back in town. The thought of just keeping her mouth shut about my private business never occurred to Mum. Everyone would know I was back in town within five minutes and, believe me, there'd be no welcome parade. Just gossip and bitching. Sure, they'd be nice to my face but that meant nothing.
Finally, Mrs. Harrison walked off, so I ran over and jumped in the car before Mum could start talking to anyone else.
"You just missed June," Mum said. As though meeting June would be the highlight of my day. "You look done in. I bet you'll be glad to have a nice shower and sleep in your own bed."
I was going to protest, then it struck me she was right. The mank radiated off me after that bus ride. A shower would be perfect and then sleeping in a real bed. My back might never be the same after that bus.
"Thanks for picking me up," I said.
"Of course. You never come home. I was just saying to your father the other day that we never hear from you."
A tinge of guilt went through me. I never did contact them. If I called, Mum would talk for hours. All the small gossip that didn't interest me. Who'd gotten married, who'd had babies. I had zero interest in that kind of thing. I couldn't even remember half the people she talked about.
Oh. My. God. She had the radio on. They were playing that song. I reached over and switched it off.
"That was Holden King, you know. Did you know he's doing well with that band of his? I always said he wasn't like the rest of his no-good family."
I opened my mouth to remind her that she'd actually always said the exact opposite. Amazing how a bit of fame changed a person's history. Then I shut up. I didn't want to get into an argument within five minutes of arriving home and if Mum wanted to believe that, she could.
Mum chatted in the car all the way home, so I didn't need to think. Just an occasional "yeah" was enough. I could barely keep my eyes open.
Now that I was home, I had no idea what I'd do. I showered and crawled into bed, wanting the oblivion of sleep, but the image of Holden kept floating back to me. I had a wealth of anger to hold onto but, in my dreams, it was like we'd been at first. All wrapped up in each other and believing that nothing would ever come between us.
It didn't help that my room held the scent of those days. That cheap body spray I'd douse myself in, that smell would probably never leave. Added to that, Mum was cooking. Making a roast, to celebrate my homecoming. That was something I'd missed. I couldn't even remember the last time I’d had a proper meal. Lying in bed, trying to sleep, it really did feel like I'd slipped back into my teenage years.
On the shelf on the opposite wall, a row of stuffed toys watched over me. Mum must've got them out of storage and put them up there. The teddy with the chewed off ear and the blue dog that was missing an eye. Old tat but I was glad she hadn't thrown them out. Some of my old dresses still hung in the wardrobe too and a few boxes were stacked in the corner.
He'd said I'd been to blame too. That made me so angry. Sure, I'd not been the best girlfriend to him but I'd never looked at another man. Hell, we'd been so young, so naive. Running to the city, thinking Holden would get his big break and life would be roses. The stupid thing was, that it did happen. We went from living in a room with a shared bathroom and a broken bed, to him being signed to his label in the blink of an eye. At the time, it’d seemed like we'd be in that room forever but it'd barely been months. While it'd been squalid and freezing cold, we'd had each other. Holden had a part-time job handing out fliers for a night club and I did some bar work. He got together his band and started playing.
It didn't take long for them to build up a buzz and then the groupies started hanging around.
A lump formed in my throat even thinking about that.
Growing up, I'd been a freak. People laughed at me but I didn't give a shit. I knew I was about a hundred times cooler than anyone else. I'd much preferred being laughed at than looking like any of them. That wasn't hard when everyone else dressed like they were going to milk the cows. I had the Goth girl makeup and short punk plaid skirts, and I’d liked how I looked.
But all that changed when we hit the city.
Even before Holden noticed the girls around him, I did. I noticed the way they dressed and the way they moved. I compared myself to them and I always came up wanting.
It made me want to go back in time and find young Carlie and tell her to settle the fuck down. It was just hair and makeup and fancy clothes. That didn't make you any better or worse than anyone else. Back then, I'd felt like a country bumpkin. Nothing I owned looked right. I hacked off all my hair, thinking that would make me cooler, then instantly regretted it. I didn't have the money to spend on fancy hairdressers or new clothes or even a new lipstick.
All that insecurity, plus going out drinking far too much, turned me into a raging bitch. I'd go nuts any time Holden so much as looked at another woman. I'd strike out at him or at the woman. Then I'd go home and cry.
I'd been a bitch, that's for sure. It still didn't excuse what he'd done and I couldn’t forgive that. I'd never get to sleep with all the recriminations running through my head on repeat. I jumped out of bed and put that plastic ring back on my finger. I don’t know why I even did that but I felt better when I wore it.
Chapter 25
"SHOULD WE TELL HER?" I heard Mum say from the kitchen.
I'd been home three days and had barely come out of my room. I knew I should sort my life out but all I wanted to do was sleep. When I was asleep, I didn't have to think about anything.
"She's sure to find out if she goes anywhere in town, so it's probably best coming from us. It's not like she's had anything to do with the boy for years anyway," Dad answered.
That made me sit up. When he said "the boy", he obviously meant Holden. Had something happened to Holden? An icy finger of fear struck my heart. No, nothing could happen to Holden. It couldn't. Holden was my constant. Even if I never saw him again, I had to know that he was safe out there in the world somewhere.
I jumped out of bed, needing to know, even if it was the worst. My legs shook and my heart pounded.
"Hey, honey, you want some eggs? I was just making some for your dad. Good to see you up early."
Mum smiled at Dad in that way she had, like I didn't know she'd been bitching about me sleeping so much. Like I gave a damn about eggs or sleeping. I sat down in case the news was bad.
"What's happened to Holden?" I gasped the words out, not sure if I really did want to know.
Dad grew seri
ous for a moment. He grabbed my hand.
"There's been an accident —"
That was it. The thing I'd been dreading. That icy hand squeezed my heart tight. The pain in my chest became unbearable.
"— no one knows what happened, some idiots fooling around with guns. His father got shot. It might've been an accident."
Fuck, it was his father? Holden was okay?
"Hardly likely with that family," Mum added. “There’s been trouble brewing down there for weeks. I told you it wouldn’t end until someone was in hospital. At least it was one of their own and not an innocent bystander.”
Holden had known, that night at the bar when he’d got the message from Tommy. Then he’d been on his phone again the night I left which wasn’t like him. I hadn’t even asked him what that’d been about. I’d been worried about my own shit.
Why hadn’t I asked him? I’d been too tied up in my own selfishness. Holden might’ve needed my support, just someone he could talk to about it but instead of being that person, I’d thrown a fit about that stupid girl.
Mum put a plate of eggs in front of me. I stared at them, the after-effects of the shock making me far too nauseous to consider eating eggs.
"But Holden is okay?"
Mum laughed. "Of course he's okay. He's a million miles away from this place. And good for him. If I was part of that family, I'd run away and forget they ever existed too."
She seemed to forget that I'd run a million miles away with him.
"He'll be home for the funeral," Dad said. "Even if he left them long behind, he'll be home for the funeral. He knows what's right."
"He'd be a fool to come back. He's respectable now. If he comes home for the funeral, the press will get wind of it. Then all that dirt and scandal will be dragged up." She sat down at the table. "Eat your eggs, Carlie, you're getting far too thin for my liking."
"She's all muscle," Dad said. "You want to be careful you don't get too bulky. It's not womanly."
Rock Star Returns: Carlie's Story (Access All Areas, #2) Page 12
