Sherlock Holmes Victorian Parodies and Pastiches

by Bill Peschel

  I gasped, and Holmes, cracking a walnut, gazed into the fire for a moment.

  “It all comes down, then,” I said, “to the question, who are the people?”

  Holmes smiled grimly. “All men,” he replied, shortly; “and when I say all men, I mean all creatures who can reason.”

  “Does that include women?” I asked.

  “Certainly,” he said. “Indubitably. The fact that women don’t reason does not prove that they can’t. I can go up in a balloon if I wish to, but I don’t. I can read an American newspaper comic supplement, but I don’t. So it is with women. Women can reason, and therefore they have a right to be included in the classification whether they do or don’t.”

  “Quite so,” was all I could think of to say at the moment. The extraordinary logic of the man staggered me, and I again began to believe that the famous mathematician who said that if Sherlock Holmes attempted to prove that five apples plus three peaches made four pears, he would not venture to dispute his conclusions, was wise. (This was the famous Professor Zoggenhoffer, of the Leipsic School of Moral Philosophy and Stenography.—Ed.)

  “Now you agree, my dear Watson,” he said, “that I have proved that we see everything?”

  “Well—” I began.

  “Whether we are conscious of it or not?” he added, lighting the gas-log, for the cold was becoming intense.

  “From that point of view, I suppose so—yes,” I replied, desperately.

  “Well, then, this being granted, consciousness is all that is needed to make us fully informed on any point.”

  “No,” I said, with some positiveness. “The American people are very conscious, but I can’t say that generally they are well-informed.”

  I had an idea this would knock him out, as the Bostonians say, but counted without my host. He merely laughed.

  “The American is only self-conscious. Therefore he is well-informed only as to self,” he said.

  “You’ve proved your point, Sherlock,” I said. “Go on. What else have you proved?”

  “That it is the little things that tell,” he replied. “Which all men would realize in a moment if they could see the little things—and when I say ‘if they could see,’ I of course mean if they could be conscious of them.”

  “Very true,” said I.

  “And I have the gift of consciousness,” he added.

  I thought he had, and I said so. “But,” I added, “give me a concrete example.” It had been some weeks since I had listened to any of his detective stories, and I was athirst for another.

  He rose up and walked over to his pigeon-holes, each labelled with a letter, in alphabetical sequence.

  “I have only to refer to any of these to do so,” he said. “Choose your letter.”

  “Really, Holmes,” said I, “I don’t need to do that. I’ll believe all you say. In fact, I’ll write it up and sign my name to any statement you choose to make.”

  “Choose your letter, Watson,” he retorted. “You and I are on terms that make flattery impossible. Is it F, J, P, Q, or Z?”

  He fixed his eye penetratingly upon me. It seemed for the moment as if I were hypnotized, and as his gaze fairly stabbed me with its intensity, through my mind there ran the suggestion “Choose J, choose J, choose J.” To choose J became an obsession. To relieve my mind, I turned my eye from his and looked at the fire. Each flame took on the form of the letter J. I left my chair and walked to the window and looked out.

  THE LAMP-POSTS WERE TWISTED.

  The lamp-posts were twisted into the shape of the letter J. I returned, sat down, gulped down my brandy-and-soda, and looked up at the portraits of Holmes’s ancestors on the wall. They were all J’s. But I was resolved never to yield, and I gasped out, desperately,

  “Z!”

  “Thanks,” he said, calmly. “Z be it. I thought you would. Reflex hypnotism, my dear Watson, is my forte. If I wish a man to choose Q, B takes hold upon him, If I wish him to choose K, A fills his mind. Have you ever observed how the mind of man repels a suggestion and flees to something else, merely that it may demonstrate its independence of another mind? Now I have been suggesting J to you, and you have chosen Z—”

  “You misunderstood me,” I cried, desperately. “I did not say Z; I said P.”

  “Quite so,” said he, with an inward chuckle. “P was the letter I wished you to choose. If you had insisted upon Z, I should really have been embarrassed. See!” he added. He removed the green-ended box that rested in the pigeon-hole marked Z, and, opening it, disclosed an emptiness.

  “I’ve never had a Z case. But P,” he observed, quietly, “is another thing altogether.”

  Here he took out the box marked P from the pigeon-hole, and, opening it, removed the contents—a single paper which was carefully endorsed, in his own handwriting, “The Mystery of Pinkham’s Diamond Stud.”

  “You could not have selected a better case, Watson,” he said, as he unfolded the paper and scanned it closely. “One would almost think you had some prevision of the fact.”

  “I am not aware,” said I, “that you ever told the story of Pinkham’s diamond stud. Who was Pinkham, and what kind of a diamond stud was it—first-water or Rhine?”

  “Pinkham,” Holmes rejoined, “was an American millionaire, living during business hours at Allegheny City, Pennsylvania, where he had to wear a brilliant stud to light him on his way through the streets, which are so dark and sooty that an ordinary search-light would not suffice. In his leisure hours, however, he lived at the Hotel Walledup-Hysteria, in New York, where he likewise had to wear the same diamond stud to keep him from being a marked man. Have you ever visited New York, Watson?”

  “No,” said I.

  “Well, when you do, spend a little of your time at the Walledup-Hysteria. It is a hotel with a population larger than that of most cities, with streets running to and from all points of the compass; where men and women eat under conditions that Lucullus knew nothing of; where there is a carpeted boulevard on which walk all sorts and conditions of men; where one pays one’s bill to the dulcet strains of a string orchestra that woo him into a blissful forgetfulness of its size; and where, by pressing a button in the wall, you may summon a grand opera, or a porter who on request will lend you enough money to enable you and your family to live the balance of your days in comfort. In America men have been known to toil for years to amass a fortune for the one cherished object of spending a week in this Olympian spot, and then to be content to return to their toil and begin life anew, rich only in the memory of its luxuries. It was here that I spent my time when, some years ago, I went to the United States to solve the now famous Piano Case. You will remember how sneak thieves stole a grand piano from the residence of one of New York’s first families, while the family was dining in the adjoining room. While in the city, and indeed at the very hotel in which I stopped, and which I have described, Pinkham’s diamond stud disappeared, and, hearing that I was a guest at the WalledupHysteria, the owner appealed to me to recover it for him. I immediately took the case in hand. Drastic questioning of Pinkham showed that beyond all question he had lost the stud in his own apartment. He had gone down to dinner, leaving it on the centre-table, following the usual course of most millionaires, to whom diamonds are of no particular importance. Pinkham wanted this one only because of its associations. Its value, $80,000, was a mere bagatelle in his eyes.

  “Now of course, if he positively left it on the table, it must have been taken by some one who had entered the room. Investigation proved that the maid, a valet, a fellow-millionaire from Chicago, and Pinkham’s children had been the only ones to do this. The maid and the valet were above suspicion. Their fees from guests were large enough to place them beyond the reach of temptation. I questioned them closely, and they convinced me at once of their innocence by conducting me through the apartments of other guests wherein tiaras of diamonds and necklaces of pearls—ropes in very truth—rubies, turquoise, and emerald ornaments of priceless value, were scattered ab
out in reckless profusion.

  “‘D’yez t’ink oi’d waste me toime on an eighty-t’ousand-dollar shtood, wid all dhis in soight and moine for the thrubble uv swipin’ ut?’ said the French maid.

  “I acquitted her at once, and the valet similarly proved his innocence, only with less of an accent, for he was supposed to be English, and not French, as was the maid, although they both came from Dublin. This narrowed the suspects down to Mr. Jedediah Wattles, of Chicago, and the children. Naturally I turned my attention to Wattles. A six-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl could hardly be suspected of stealing a diamond stud. So drawing on Pinkham for five thousand dollars to pay expenses, I hired a room in a tenement-house in Rivington Street—a squalid place it was—disguised myself with an oily, black, burglarious mustache, and dressed like a comic-paper gambler. Then I wrote a note to Wattles, asking him to call, saying that I could tell him something to his advantage. He came, and I greeted him like a pal. ‘Wattles,’ said I, ‘you’ve been working this game for a long time, and I know all about you. You are an ornament to the profession, but we diamond-thieves have got to combine. Understand?’ ‘No, I don’t,’ said he. ‘Well, I’ll tell you,’ said I. ‘You’re a man of good appearance, and I ain’t, but I know where the diamonds are. If we work together, there’s millions in it. I’ll spot the diamonds, and you lift ’em, eh? You can do it,’ I added, as he began to get mad. ‘The ease with which you got away with old Pinky’s stud, that I’ve been trying to pull for myself for years, shows me that.’

  “I was not allowed to go further. Wattles’s indignation was great enough to prove that it was not he who had done the deed, and after he had thrashed me out of my disguise, I pulled myself together and said, ‘Mr. Wattles, I am convinced that you are innocent.’ As soon as he recognized me and realized my object in sending for him, he forgave me, and, I must say, treated me with great consideration.

  “But my last clew was gone. The maid, the valet, and Wattles were proved innocent. The children alone remained, but I could not suspect them. Nevertheless, on my way back to the hotel I bought some rock-candy, and, after reporting to Pinkham, I asked casually after the children.”

  HOLMES IN DISGUISE INTERVIEWS WATTLES

  “‘They’re pretty well,’ said Pinkham. ‘Billie’s complaining a little, and the doctor fears appendicitis, but Polly’s all right. I guess Billie’s all right too. The seventeen-course dinners they serve in the children’s dining-room here aren’t calculated to agree with Billie’s digestion, I reckon.’

  “‘I’d like to see ’em,’ said I. ‘I’m very fond of children.’

  “Pinkham immediately called the youngsters in from the nursery. ‘Guess what I’ve got,’ I said, opening the package of rock-candy. ‘Gee!’ cried Billie, as it caught his eye. ‘Gimmie some!’ ‘Who gets first piece?’ said I. ‘Me!’ cried both. ‘Anybody ever had any before?’ I asked. ‘He has,’ said Polly, pointing to Billie. The boy immediately flushed up. ‘Ain’t, neither!’ he retorted. ‘Yes you did, too,’ said Polly. ‘You swallered that piece pop left on the centre-table the other night!’ ‘Well, anyhow, it was only a little piece,’ said Billie. ‘An’ it tasted like glass,’ he added. Handing the candy to Polly, I picked Billie up and carried him to his father.

  “‘Mr. Pinkham,’ said I, handing the boy over, ‘here is your diamond. It has not been stolen; it has merely been swallowed.’ ‘What?’ he cried. And I explained. The stud mystery was explained. Mr. Pinkham’s boy had eaten it.”

  Holmes paused.

  “Well, I don’t see how that proves your point,” said I. “You said that it was the little things that told—”

  “So it was,” said Holmes. “If Polly hadn’t told—”

  “Enough,” I cried; “it’s on me, old man. We will go down to Willis’s and have some Russian caviar and a bottle of Burgundy.”

  Holmes put on his hat and we went out together. It is to get the money to pay Willis’s bill that I have written this story of “The Mystery of Pinkham’s Diamond Stud.”

  Sherlock Holmes Again

  John Kendrick Bangs

  Illustrated by Peter Newell

  This example of the Bangsian fantasy genre—discussed in “The Stranger Unravels a Mystery” in the 1897 chapter—appeared in The Enchanted Type-Writer (1899). The book consists of stories narrated by James Boswell, who runs a newspaper in Hades, transmitted to the author by means of an old typewriter. The artist was Peter Newell (1862-1924), better known for his light-hearted magazine illustrations and his children’s books The Hole Book and The Slant Book.

  I had intended asking Boswell what had become of my copy of the Baedeker’s Hades when he next returned, but the output of the machine that evening so interested me that the hand-book was entirely forgotten. If there ever was a hero in this world who could compare with D’Artagnan in my estimation for sheer ability in a given line that hero was Sherlock Holmes. With D’Artagnan and Holmes for my companions I think I could pass the balance of my days in absolute contentment, no matter what woeful things might befall me. So it was that, when I next heard the tapping keys and dulcet bell of my Enchanted Type-writer, and, after listening intently for a moment, realized that my friend Boswell was making a copy of a Sherlock Holmes Memoir thereon for his next Sunday’s paper, all thought of the interesting little redbook of the last meeting flew out of my head. I rose quickly from my couch at the first sounding of the gong.

  “Got a Holmes story, eh?” I said, walking to his side, and gazing eagerly over the spot where his shoulder should have been.

  “I have that, and it’s a winner,” he replied, enthusiastically. “If you don’t believe it, read it. I’ll have it copied in about two minutes.”

  “I’ll do both,” I said. “I believe all the Sherlock Holmes stories I read. It is so much pleasanter to believe them true. If they weren’t true they wouldn’t be so wonderful.”

  With this I picked up the first page of the manuscript and shortly after Boswell presented me with the balance, whereon I read the following extraordinary tale:

  A MYSTERY SOLVED

  A WONDERFUL ACHIEVEMENT IN FERRETING

  From Advance Sheets of

  MEMOIRS I REMEMBER

  BY

  Sherlock Holmes, Esq.

  Ferreter Extraordinary by Special Appointment to his Majesty Apollyon

  ———

  WHO THE LADY WAS!

  It was not many days after my solution of the Missing Diamond of the Nizam of Jigamaree Mystery that I was called upon to take up a case which has baffled at least one person for some ten or eleven centuries. The reader will remember the mystery of the missing diamond—the largest known in all history, which the Nizam of Jigamaree brought from India to present to the Queen of England, on the occasion of her diamond jubilee. I had been dead three years at the time, but, by a special dispensation of his Imperial Highness Apollyon, was permitted to return incog to London for the jubilee season, where it so happened that I put up at the same lodging-house as that occupied by the Nizam and his suite. We sat opposite to each other at table d’hóte, and for at least three weeks previous to the losing of his treasure the Indian prince was very morose, and it was very difficult to get him to speak. I was not supposed to know, nor, indeed, was any one else, for that matter, at the lodging-house, that the Nizam was so exalted a personage. He like myself was travelling incog and was known to the world as Mr. Wilkins, of Calcutta—a very wise precaution, inasmuch as he had in his possession a gem valued at a million and a half of dollars. I recognized him at once, however, by his unlikeness to a wood-cut that had been appearing in the American Sunday newspapers, labelled with his name, as well as by the extraordinary lantern which he had on his bicycle, a lantern which to the uneducated eye was no more than an ordinary lamp, but which to an eye like mine, familiar with gems, had for its crystal lens nothing more nor less than the famous stone which he had brought for her Majesty the Queen, his imperial sovereign. There are few people who can tell diamonds
from plate-glass under any circumstances, and Mr. Wilkins, otherwise the Nizam, realizing this fact, had taken this bold method of secreting his treasure. Of course, the moment I perceived the quality of the man’s lamp I knew at once who Mr. Wilkins was, and I determined to have a little innocent diversion at his expense.

  “It has been a fine day, Mr. Wilkins,” said I one evening over the páte.

  “Yes,” he replied, wearily. “Very—but somehow or other I’m depressed tonight.”

  “Too bad,” I said, lightly, “but there are others. There’s that poor Nizam of Jigamaree, for instance—poor devil, he must be the bluest brown man that ever lived.”

  Wilkins started nervously as I mentioned the prince by name.

  “Wh-why do you think that?” he asked, nervously fingering his butter-knife.

  “It’s tough luck to have to give away a diamond that’s worth three or four times as much as the Koh-i-noor,” I said. “Suppose you owned a stone like that. Would you care to give it away?”

  “Not by a damn sight!” cried Wilkins, forcibly, and I noticed great tears gathering in his eyes.

  “Still, he can’t help himself, I suppose,” I said, gazing abruptly at his scarf-pin. “That is, he doesn’t know that he can. The Queen expects it. It’s been announced, and now the poor devil can’t get out of it—though I’ll tell you, Mr. Wilkins, if I were the Nizam of Jigamaree, I’d get out of it in ten seconds.”