Sherlock Holmes Victorian Parodies and Pastiches

by Bill Peschel

  “You have seconds to avoid questions you can’t answer,” Holmes said, hustling me over to a baize door at the back of the landing. “That will take you down the servants’ stairs to the back door.”

  I pressed the key into his hand and said, “You might find this useful. It opens the inner door of the sideboard.”

  I fled through the baize door and down the narrow back stairs. I shielded my face from the servants like a leper. Some were well-mannered enough to ask if I needed assistance; the rest observed my flight without comment. Perhaps it was a regular occurrence in this household. With memories of the bloody scene haunting me, I reached the door opening onto the back garden and fled into the night.

  * * * *

  By the time the hansom reached my hotel, I fairly vibrated with anxiety and expected to pass a sleepless night. But the strain and nervous exhaustion had drained me. Fatigue was already pulling on my coattails as I unlocked the door to my hotel suite. The maid had left the gas jets on, turned low, and the dim golden light reminded me of that awful room. I turned off the jets and slipped into the bathroom where I made a hasty toilet. In the dark, I felt my way to my bed and slid under the cool covers next to my Livy. Before I could resume worrying about what tomorrow would bring, I dropped into a dreamless void.

  By first light I was a subdued wraith. With her usual cheerfulness, Livy wanted to know what had happened last night. I tried to satisfy her curiosity about the guests, the food and the talk without mentioning the gunfire and the casualties. I also said that I would have breakfast out, as I had a morning appointment that I must keep.

  The weather was as cool and still as the day before. The dampness was pervasive. But as I stepped out of the hansom onto Montague Street, the clouds broke and a weak sunlight chased the shadows into the alleys. It was the first change in the weather since we arrived, and I took it as a hopeful omen.

  Holmes received me at the breakfast table. It appeared he hadn’t started yet, as his place was surrounded by several covered plates.

  “You missed much excitement last night,” he said. “Have you seen the newspapers?”

  I shook my head no and sat down. He nodded to the pile beside him on the table. “Then you will be pleased to know that, as of the late morning editions, there has been no mention of the affray. You seem surprised.”

  “Baffled. A shooting in Mayfair would have merited attention from any American reporter who wanted to keep his position.”

  “Your luck was in last night. The derringer was not charged enough for the bullet to penetrate deeply. The bullet stopped at the breastbone. MacNaughton damned Alf as a blackguard and ordered his guests not to breathe a word to anyone. Someone will talk eventually, but for now it will have the status of malicious gossip. If you keep your nerve and deny everything, it will be difficult for anyone other than your enemies to believe that you would be mixed up in it. Clemens, are you all right?”

  I wasn’t and I expressed myself in forceful words before admitting, “My hat and coat! I left them at the house.”

  “And I spirited them away before anyone noticed,” Holmes said. “They are on the rack behind you. In the meantime, I believe this is yours.”

  He lifted one of the covers to reveal the dead man’s hand. Cradled in his palm were several sheets of manuscript paper rolled up with a ribbon. I considered myself lucky to be sitting down, because the relief assumed a physical aspect, and I wouldn’t have stood for long before such a scene.

  I slid the roll of paper tenderly from its grasp, inspected it closely to ensure that no decayed flesh was attached, and tucked it in my side pocket. Holmes gently restored the dome to the plate.

  “What perplexes me is who shot the blighter. And who was the woman?”

  Holmes purred like a cat at the cream. “MacNaughton had many partners in his criminal enterprises. One of them was Mrs. Alf Randall. In addition to her other talents, he has been carrying on with her for some time. I suppose it was inevitable that Alf would find out, especially if someone met up with him in a pub and tipped him a wink. To be on the safe side, a discrete note was also sent to Mrs. MacNaughton. There was an excellent chance that one or the other, or perhaps both, would show up for dinner and nature take its course.”

  “But, but how did you cipher that Mrs. Randall was . . . involved.”

  “The cook mentioned that MacNaughton received several visitors. All of them were men except for Mrs. Randall. One could assume she was a member of the ring, but her status was confirmed in the snatch of song you quoted. In your country, a bobtail is a horse with a docked tail, but among certain classes it has quite a different meaning over here. It led me to suspect a different relationship between MacNaughton and Mrs. Randall.”

  For the first time in two days, my relaxation and satisfaction was complete. I struck a match on my shoe and lit my cigar. My stomach growled, and I looked forward to my breakfast.

  Then I considered the covered dishes. If a hand was under one of them, what could be under the others was not worth considering.

  “Speaking of cooks, I’d like to take you to the Langham Hotel for breakfast,” I dropped my match and stood up. “But leave your friend.”

  SHERLOCK HOLMES VICTORIAN PARODIES AND PASTICHES: 1888-1899. Anthology format, introductions, notes and essays copyright 2015 Bill Peschel. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of the notes or essays may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission except in cases of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, email bpeschel@gmail.com or write to P.O. Box 132, Hershey, PA 17033.

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  “The Adventure of the Stomach Club Papers” ©2015 by Bill Peschel.

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  Footnotes

  [back] One swallow does not make a Spring: A variation of a quote by the philosopher Aristotle (384-322 BCE): “One swallow does not a summer make, nor one fine day; similarly one day or brief time of happiness does not make a person entirely happy.”

  [back] Coruscations: A flash or sparkle of light. From the Latin coruscate- for “glittered.”

  [back] Balaam’s ass: Balaam was an unscrupulous prophet who was bribed to curse Israel on behalf of the king of Moab. Balaam’s ass spoke to him when an angel appeared to make him obey the will of the Lord.

  [back] Mrs. Grundy: A figurative name for a priggish, conventional character who imposes her values on society. Inspired either by a minor character in Thomas Morton’s play Speed the Plough (1798), or a royal housekeeper, Sarah Hannah Grundy (1804-1863). At Hampton Court Palace, whose residents were given apartments as thanks for their service to the crown, Grundy was notorious for overseeing their behavior.

  [back] Mashers: Men who paid unwelcome attentions to women in public. “Fly” was a slang word meaning “highly skilled.”

  [back] Crummier: Although crummy meant lousy or terrible—and still does—it also described a pleasingly plump, well-developed woman.

  [back] Bloaters: A cold-smoked herring, named because they swell while being prepared.

  [back] Adduced: Cited as evidence. From the Latin ad- for “towards” and –ducere for “to lead.”

  [back] Pot-hat: Another word for a bowler, not to be confused with the top hat, nor the taller chimney-pot or stove-pipe hat.

  [back] Cheesemonger: A seller of cheese and other dairy products.

  [back] Burin-scratches: As a burin is a tool used in engraving, the connection with excessive drinking is not apparent.

  [back] With inked seams: Inking the seams disguised the fact that thread of a different color was used to repair his frock coat (which is a coat characterized by its knee-length skirt). Clearly Hoakes had fallen on hard times.

  [back] Manila cheroots: A cigar made from tobacco harvested in the Philippines. It was notable for being made from cheaper grades of the leaf and sold to foreign sailors who didn’t know (or could afford) better.


  [back] Millbank: A prison built on marshland near the Thames in London’s Pimlico area. It operated from 1816 to 1890, when it was demolished in stages until 1903 and the land redeveloped.

  [back] Scotland-yard: London’s Metropolitan Police. Although its original location was at 4 Whitehall Place, its rear entrance opened onto Great Scotland Yard, hence the name.

  [back] Popular Educator: A weekly magazine founded in 1852 by printer John Cassell (1817-1865) aimed at encouraging working-class readers to improve their education and employment prospects. Future Prime Minister Lloyd George said that reading it as a child in Wales helped shape his future.

  [back] “That blessed word Mesopotamia”: Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable tells of the old woman “who told her pastor that she found great support in ‘that comfortable word Mesopotamia.’” This might be a variation of a story about Anglican preacher George Whitefield (1714-1770), whose voice was so powerful that actor David Garrick said that “he could make men laugh or cry by pronouncing Mesopotamia.”

  [back] Out four days: As a prisoner, his hair had been cropped short as an anti-lice measure.

  [back] Camberwell: A district in the borough of Southwark in London, south of the Thames.

  [back] An uncommon occurrence: A nod to a similar situation in “The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor,” published in The Strand that month, when Lord St. Simon asked Holmes to discover why his bride disappeared immediately after her wedding.

  [back] Ulster: A long overcoat worn during the daytime. Until the 1890s, it was worn with a cape attached. Named for the Irish town where it was originally sold.

  [back] Whipthongs: A whip attached to a short stick used in fox hunting. The thong refers to the flexible leather braided section of the whip. It is located in between the handle at one end and the popper and the fall at the other.

  [back] Chemical diamond pin: The cubic zirconium of its day, this was a diamond created through a manufacturing process instead of by mining.

  [back] Playin’ the ’anky-panky: Moore and Burgess: George “Pony” Moore (1820-1909) and Frederic Burgess (1827-1893) were American music hall performers, notable for appearing as part of the New Christy Minstrel before forming the Moore and Burgess Minstrels in 1871. Hanky-panky: Trickery, double-dealing or cheating. Later, it would be associated with sexual intercourse.

  [back] Auscultated: In medicine, the act of listening to a patient’s chest with a stethoscope.

  [back] Phtisical: Tuberculosis or a similar wasting disease.

  [back] Four-line “whip”: In Parliament, a whip is a note sent by a political party official—usually the Chief Whip—to its members asking them to attend a particular session. A “four-line whip” is a particularly important summons. It gets its name from the four lines underscoring the opening word “Important” and the concluding sentence “Your punctual attendance is most particularly requested.”

  [back] Aphasia: An inability to speak or understand words after suffering brain damage.

  [back] Ostler’s sleeved vest: An ostler took care of visitors’ horses at an inn.

  [back] Settle: A long wooden bench with arms and a high back, placed before the fire to trap the heat.

  [back] Catarrhally: Catarrh is an inflammation of the mucus membrane in which the nose and air passages become filled with mucus.

  [back] Truckle bed: A low bed with wheels that can be slid under a larger bed.

  [back] Gentian quinine: Vamp: Used as a verb, it means to improve or renovate. Gentian: A liquid distilled from gentian plants, now used to make Angostura bitters, and as a flavoring in aperitifs, liqueurs, and tonics. Quinine: An alkaloid derived from the bark of the cinchona tree later used to treat malaria. Bread pills and gentian quinine were once believed to be effective medicines to aid the digestion, but by this time were considered quack remedies. Bread pills were still used as a placebo, given to patients who insisted they needed to take something for their ills.

  [back] Coroner’s jury: A jury at an inquest that hears evidence and determines if there was a crime and who should be charged with it.

  [back] New Cut: A street that runs between Waterloo Road in Lambeth to Blackfriars Road in Southwark. It is most notable for its weekend market, when hundreds of hucksters thronged the street, selling all kinds of goods and services to the lower classes, in the process creating a distinctive clothing style and attitude.

  [back] Aether nit. cum cinch: Aether nit. is spirit of nitrous ether, commonly called sweet spirit of nitre. It was used to treat fever, as an antispasmodic, and to increase the flow of urine.

  [back] Salisbury and Gladstone: Two British politicians who dominated British politics during this era. Robert, Marquess of Salisbury (1830-1903) was prime minister three times and William Gladstone (1809-1898) served four times. Not knowing them was like not knowing who Queen Victoria was.

  [back] Slating: Slang for criticizing or cutting up.

  [back] William Watson: Now forgotten, poet William Watson (1858-1935) was celebrated in his time. He was passed over twice for the poet laureateship, the first as a result of a nervous breakdown, and the second because his political poems offended the prime minister.

  [back] Chambers: In the legal profession, chambers are rooms used by barristers or a judge. They have an outer door—traditionally made of oak—and an inner door, creating a vestibule in between. This design reduced air infiltration from outside and provided a measure of privacy.

  [back] Donner und Blitzen: Literally “thunder and lightning” in German. It also was used as a mild oath by German characters in English fiction similar to “Gott im Himmel” (God in Heaven) and the French “mille tonnerres” (a thousand thunders).

  [back] Fusees: A conical-shaped gear used to help spring-powered watches keep time.

  [back] Tape machine: Some gambling halls accepted bets on horse races and used tape machines, connected to the telegraph, to receive the race results.

  [back] Durrant’s Press Notices: In 1879, Lithuanian Henry Romeike opened the first agency in London to collect and redistribute newspaper and magazine articles to its clients. Durrants Press Cuttings was still in business until 2010, when it acquired online media company Gorkana and assumed its name.

  [back] South Norwood: Conan Doyle’s home in southeast London from 1891 to 1894.

  [back] Auld Licht Something: A reference to Barrie’s book Auld Licht Idylls (1888).

  [back] Irkoutsk: An archaic spelling of Irkutsk, one of the largest cities in the Siberian region of Russia.

  [back] Nihilist: A Russian political movement—the name means “nothing”—that rejects all authority and advocates violence to bring about change. The group rose in notoriety after they assassinated several government officials. They tried to kill Tsar Alexander II several times before succeeding in 1881, days before he would announce a move to a constitutional democracy. This event created one of the more fascinating “what if’s” of history, because his son Alexander III revoked the plan and clamped down on dissent, indirectly leading to the Russian Revolution.

  [back] Charing-Cross Station: A railway station in the City of Westminster. It is located at Charing Cross Road and the Strand.

  [back] Scarlatina: Scarlet fever, an infectious disease that commonly affects children. Midshipmen in the Royal Navy were typically boys who, until the mid-19th century, entered the service as young as 12 years old.

  [back] Mess-jacket: A formal jacket that ended at the waist, used in the military to wear to formal evening occasions such as dinners or balls. The mess describes the area where military personnel eat. In use since the 15th century, the word is derived from the Old French mes for “portion of food.”

  [back] Fortnightly Review: An intellectual literary and political magazine co-founded Anthony Trollope in 1865 that published articles by literary figures such as George Meredith, Dante Gabriel Rossetti, and Algernon Swinburne.

  [back] Moujik: The word is an archaic Russian spelling of peasant, so a moujik blouse is a loose-fitting s
hirt peasants would wear.

  [back] Times: A daily newspaper founded in 1785. This is the “original” Times, its name appropriated by newspapers around the world, including The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times. The leading article refers to the newspaper’s top story, infused with the editor’s distinctive voice and opinions.

  [back] Worsted: Worsted is a smooth yarn spun from wool, typically used for suits. From Worstead, a parish in Norfolk that was a manufacturing center for cloth in the 12th century.

  [back] Beer and skitties: An idiom referring to the fun times one can have down at the pub. Skittles is an early version of ten-pin bowling that used nine pins set up in a square pattern. The phrase “Life isn’t all beer and skittles” comes from Tom Brown’s Schooldays (1857) by Thomas Hughes.